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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP won't shut up about new boss

84 replies

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 12:10

I'm being unreasonable- purely because if his new boss was a man I wouldn't think much of dp talking about him, although I'd probably be a tad confused as dp does not shut up about his new boss. Not his new job, not his new colleagues but his boss. It's probably because she's the person who calls the shots etc but he's never gone on about his old boss's to this extent. If there was something going on or he fancied her, he'd probably not mention her to me, right? So it shouldn't annoy me at all, but it does!
Totally irrational but now everytime he mentions her- which is a lot I feel a tad uncomfortable. Maybe he just looks up to her because she's the same age as him and has managed to work her way up the ladder very quickly.
Oh god, I'm pathetic but I do wish he'd talk about something else.
Would I be unreasonable to ask him why he doesn't shut up about her?

OP posts:

Number3cometome · 16/03/2015 13:58

You may be better off suggesting some relationship help - like couples counselling?

championnibbler · 16/03/2015 13:59

this relationship has doom stamped all over it, i'm afraid.
i'm sorry to say that it looks very much as though he doesn't love you or care out you.
get rid, he's making an eejit out of you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2015 14:01

he'll know I'm sucspicious and that'll be it. You should be on the same side as your partner in a relationship. You two are not. It's miserable and should be enough to end things. Unless he's willing to be honest, upfront, get some counselling, change what's happening. You clearly know he's not going to do that...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/03/2015 14:03

How long have you been a couple, how old is DD? If he has given you no cause for concern since she was born, the mentionitis may be an annoying but harmless phase. If he makes you feel like less of a partner and more of a nursery worker with additional domestic responsibilities then aside from Emma he is already treading on thin ice.

It may be he is unused to a female authority figure - it may be that he's in awe of her.

When he gets in this evening ask him how he thinks the job is going and say to him you have noticed he mentions the new boss by name an awful lot. Don't put words in his mouth see how he reacts. If he blusters and says you're imagining it say no you are not and he never used to go into such detail about his former boss.

Number3cometome · 16/03/2015 14:04

this relationship has doom stamped all over it, i'm afraid.
i'm sorry to say that it looks very much as though he doesn't love you or care out you.
get rid, he's making an eejit out of you.

Hmmm, ok could have possibly said it in a more tactful way, but yeah, I agree.

Been there, done it, had eejit tattooed on my head for 13 years.

Managed to get rid of that now. Won't happen again!

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 14:13

Maybe it is doomed. I don't know. He's very doting, does a lot for me and dd. he gets up at 5am with her, gets her ready, gives her breakfast etc so I can lay in a bit, he gives her a bath when he's home and puts her to bed etc. he does do a lot for me and seems very loving but he always has done really even when he was messaging other women. He cheated on his ex and she had no idea, he's very good at hiding things and knows how to make himself look like the perfect partner even when he's being a cheating prick. It's the fact he's so good at pretending that worries me, if if never stumbled across all his messages on his laptop when he was out I probably would have never known.
We've been together 4 years, dd is 2.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2015 14:17

It's done Sugarfree this is not way to live.

I don't want to be all drama at you but I have a friend, whose DF cheated on her DM her whole childhood. All the children, including her, have MH issues, abandonment issues, relationship issues. Their DM was never really happy and secure. Miserable situation. At one point one of the children was keeping his secrets. Bleaugh.

championnibbler · 16/03/2015 14:17

ok you say he's very nice which is great
but
he emotionally cheats on you.
you say he's been a cheating prick.
i couldn't live like that.
i couldn't waste my life on someone like that.
life is too short and too precious.
but this is your life and it's your decision of course.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/03/2015 14:19

Can a cheating prick change his habits, you know him we don't - I usually place a lot of store by listening to that gut feeling.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 16:10

You don't trust him one inch, based on his previous behaviour. It proves the point that simply brushing cheating under the carpet so that life can go back to "normal" simply does not work. After the period of hysterical bonding is over, you remember that you are trying to trust an untrustworthy man and how can that ever be ?

I agree that this relationship is doomed. Even if he isn't up to anything with "Emma" this is a horrible way to live.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 16:11

Some serial cheaters are perfectly nice. Beware the charming man.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/03/2015 16:19

He may be a good attentive dad but a trustworthy partner, not so much.

Just going back a bit, you say i just feel responsible in a funny way, in what way OP?

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 16:46

I myself point out to him a lot that he's a great dad and that does make my life easier but that doesn't make him a great partner. He says he does a lot for me in regard to dd which he does but a relationship is more than that.
I feel a bit responsible because I did nothing about his lies before, I feel like I've lost my chance to go "screw you, you liar I'm leaving" I feel like if I leave him I'm the one breaking up our family. My parents split and I remember myself feeling so torn when my dad left, I remember feeling so heartbroken. When I was with my mum I cried for my dad and when with my dad for my mum, I couldn't bare to see my dd go through that because I wasn't good enough for her father and/or I wouldn't put up with his lies.
Wrong isn't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 16:48

Oh god :'( what a mess

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 16:49

I have known many relationships split up some time after damaging revelations. Don't beat yourself up about that. If you feel you have tried and his behaviour is still such that he is unable to reassure you that he can be trusted, then surely the best thing to do is call it a day.

he can still be the great dad he is when not in a relationship with you

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 16:51

Oh, and do remember that you can end a relationship for whatever reason you like

Just because you swept it under the carpet before doesn't mean you are bound to live the rest of your life like this. You only get one.

Felyne · 16/03/2015 17:59

"He says he does a lot for me in regard to dd which he does" - this is just being a parent, surely? It's not stuff he does 'for you', it's stuff that has to get done because he is a father! I'd guess he's trying to make himself look like a saint so you feel less justified in being upset about all the other stuff.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 20:01

felyne your right. I have pointed this out to him and he's even occasionally used the "I do far more than other men, you're lucky" line!
Sooo, he had a meeting with Emma today, he even managed to tell me what she had for lunch- guessing the meeting involved getting lunch which to be fair he's done coffee/lunch with previous bosses, but spare me the pointless details?! Her jacket potato with mince cost her £5 apparently- yes it's a rip off but shut the fuck up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 20:05

And now he's done his usual "I'm going to go an sit on the toilet for half an hour with my phone" thing.
Another one of these things that for a normal couple with no trust issues is nothing to even notice but to me is where he spent most his time chatting up women online...sat on the toilet doing a poo. Those lucky lucky women.

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 16/03/2015 20:30

I've never said this on a thread before - but please leave this relationship. The anguish he is causing you is so apparent from your posts.

He'll never change. He's cheated on you before and now he fancies his boss. This is your life forever unless you end the relationship, or unless you stick around long enough for him to leave you for one of his women.

He can still be a good dad to your DD even if you live apart. Showing your DD that it is right to stay with your DH no matter how unhappy you are is not the way, is it? The young you would not have wanted your mum to stay where she was unhappy.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 20:34

Did you not feel like pulling him up on it tonight ?

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 20:42

Not particularly- dd went to bed late & I've spent the day with my head in the toilet with sickness bug. I just know he will try & make me feel silly & say it's nothing.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 20:46

Well, you are not silly and it is not nothing.

This man should be bending over backwards to promote your trust in him after you did him the massive favour of sweeping his previous indiscretions under the carpet.

EponasWildDaughter · 16/03/2015 20:49

Do you believe it's nothing?

Will you ever actually trust him fully again?

If the answer to either of these is 'no', then that is that. You don't need him to tell you you're right or wrong about him! He's not going to validate your concerns.

He has no business telling you you're silly and it's nothing. If you don't trust him and you want to end the relationship then that is entirely your right.

He's never going to say to you 'y'know what, you're right, i'm an untrustworthy husband and you should leave me', is he?

TRexingInAsda · 16/03/2015 22:14

When I read the thread title I thought 'bet it's a female boss'. You say in a relationship without trust issues this wouldn't be a problem to notice - I disagree. I trust my dh 100% because he doesn't do shit like this! A sudden severe case of mentionitis about a female boss - it's not normal or ok and I'd be telling him to get over it, immediately.

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