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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do something nice and it's still bloody wrong!!!!

77 replies

utahforever · 15/03/2015 16:09

I'm so cross that I have hung up on my mother, first time in 45 years.

First off, I am not bothered about today for me as I don't really do cards, gifts, etc - I know my ds loves me and would much rather a hug

However my mother doesn't believe in this, and thinks that only visits and presents show how much she is loved. Therefore we have visited the last two weekends (40 mins each way) for a spontaneous visit and a birthday visit. We normally visit every 2-3 weekends - ds has orchestra and swim training on saturday mornings and sunday afternoons, so we fit it in as best we can. We both work Mon-Fri and look forward to spending some time with each other at the weekends, shopping and general stuff around the house.

My parents knew that we wouldn't be over this weekend, and I said that I would ring on Sunday when we spoke on Friday. Unbeknownst to her I had ordered some flowers and a card to be delivered today.....so I hadn't rung so far to give them a chance to come - probably my biggest mistake!

Just had a sobbing phone call saying that it would have been nice if we had come, she's been waiting and listening for the phone. Oh, the flowers are nice but it's not what she wanted. Now I feel so crap about something that I thought was nice, but maybe I shouldn't have bothered

OP posts:

Pico2 · 15/03/2015 16:12

There is hardly any point trying with people like that, you'll never get it right.

pudcat · 15/03/2015 16:16

How horrible for you. I would love having flowers delivered. Tell your Mum to join the long list of ungrateful Mums on here who have moaned about today. I would not even try next time.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 16:18

Mmm. I can see how she feels, a bit. You often only visit once every three weeks even though she's only 40 mins away? She's probably missing you all terribly.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 16:19

Oh crap, she sounds very needy.

Good for you for hanging up, don't call back.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 15/03/2015 16:21

I wouldn't bother at all next year, that'll put her right

emotionsecho · 15/03/2015 16:22

Wait for the dust to settle and then visit your mum, get her on your own and talk it through with her. Let her know you were equally hurt and upset by her reaction and hopefully you will be able to compromise.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 16:24

Blimey- 'good for you hanging up', 'don't call back', . I must be the only one who actually asked my mum what she would like and have actually visited her on Mother's Day!

PrincessOfChina · 15/03/2015 16:25

That's pretty needy. She sounds as though she has no respect for your need to just be a family.

Does she visit you?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 16:27

But but but they can be a family every other day of the year! It's MOTHER's day!

Original poster

utahforever · 15/03/2015 16:28

I appreciate that she probably does miss us, however she has my dad and her health and lots of opportunities to do things. My dad is fine about the situation as he has lots of things to occupy himself, however my mum just seems to 'wait' between visits.

We have never done a Christmas, New Year, Easter, or Bank Holiday by ourselves, my ds birthdays were always together until I put my foot down a couple of years ago - he was 9. I love my parents and want them to be happy, but not at the expense of my family. Having no choice in whether you will spend a Holiday season with someone is very restrictive - we would probably still choose to visit......but we are never given the choice - it is expected.

OP posts:

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 15/03/2015 16:28

PS - you are a mum too, when did her needs trump yours, and doing anything out of duty was never a nice prospect

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 16:28

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Not all of us have find Mother's Day necessary.

This Mother 'sobbing' down the phone and making her daughter feel guilty for not visiting sounds needy and shouldn't be indulged.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 16:30

Maybe you're right- I just think it's a bit harsh not visiting your mum on Mother's Day. Sorry.

PtolemysNeedle · 15/03/2015 16:31

I would start making less effort, and if you don't want to visit, then don't. You can't please some people, and your mums happiness is not your responsibility. You did a nice thing for Mother's Day, and your mum was rude not to appreciate and accept it graciously.

Original poster

utahforever · 15/03/2015 16:34

Part of me agrees inspace however we were there last weekend at their request to celebrate two birthdays, and I said that I would have preferred to wait until this weekend then we could have celebrated altogether. No, no, that's fine I'm told - well it obviously wasn't!

OP posts:

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 15/03/2015 16:34

It's one day people, one day!!!

No one will die if shit doesn't happen on that day, commercialism at it's worst

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 16:38

Ah well, if you had offered to visit that's different. But I think we underestimate how important we still are to our parents and they hope that on this one day of the year we're putting them first and appreciating them. I can understand that. She's probably feeling very jealous of all the mums being taken out for lovely lunches etc. maybe I'm just soft

PintofCiderPlease · 15/03/2015 16:38

Well I can see why you don't really do any sort of cards, gifts etc after this type of over the top controlling behaviour for so many years!

Marshy · 15/03/2015 17:20

In the circumstances you've described you've done your best op and the sobbing down the phone is way ott.

What's that all about then? What's going on do you think?

Trills · 15/03/2015 17:26

I wish people wouldn't bloody say "it's fine" when it's not.

Bakeoffcake · 15/03/2015 17:29

She does sound ridiculous, but if I were you, I'd have phoned her this morning and told her a delivery would be arriving, then she wouldn't have spent all day "fretting" you'd forgotten about her. You shouldn't have to do this, but she sounds like she might need it!

My dd is at uni and phoned about 11ish, asking if I'd got her card. I hadnt and reassured her it didn't matter. She was quite upset and said she was going to complain to the website she'd ordered it from. Well, she'd only gone and ordered it for NEXT Sunday.

Fauxlivia · 15/03/2015 17:30

You are a mum too and have every right to spend the day at home with your own child.

I'm another one who thinks that passive aggressive thing of saying it's fine and then sulking, should not be indulged. She's ruined your day with this childishness.

CuppaSarah · 15/03/2015 17:32

I've had a very similar phonecall today too. My mum made plans s with my sister. I said we'd do mother's day just for her next weekend and spend today with my dd. But apparently not calling as I knew her dp was on nights so she'd be asleep has hurt her beyond words. Also not posting a declaration of love in Facebook means I don't love her. I'm apparently distant and don't want a relationship with her and all sorts of nasty rubbish. But on Tuesday all this was absolutely fine with her, when we met up and discussed the mothers day plan.

You can't please some people. If I were your mother I would be over the moon with the flowers and seeing you so often, you do brilliantly to fit her in so much.

emotionsecho · 15/03/2015 17:32

I think you need to speak to your mum, particularly in view of your recent post and the expectations to visit on every occasion. You are right you should not be doing this at the expense of what your family would prefer. I am not suggesting you never spend these occasions with them just not every single one.

You arranged flowers and a card for your mum and were going to phone her, I think her reaction was melodramatic and rather childish. Why should you, as a mother, not want to spend the day with your own children. Her behaviour was hurtful to you, had you completely ignored the day it would be understandable but you didn't.

I am sure a compromise can be reached but you need to sit down and talk it through with her calmly and reasonably.

ArcheryAnnie · 15/03/2015 17:34

I am sitting here hoping that I will never behave towards my son the way that your mother behaves towards you.

Does she visit you?

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