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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do something nice and it's still bloody wrong!!!!

77 replies

utahforever · 15/03/2015 16:09

I'm so cross that I have hung up on my mother, first time in 45 years.

First off, I am not bothered about today for me as I don't really do cards, gifts, etc - I know my ds loves me and would much rather a hug Grin

However my mother doesn't believe in this, and thinks that only visits and presents show how much she is loved. Therefore we have visited the last two weekends (40 mins each way) for a spontaneous visit and a birthday visit. We normally visit every 2-3 weekends - ds has orchestra and swim training on saturday mornings and sunday afternoons, so we fit it in as best we can. We both work Mon-Fri and look forward to spending some time with each other at the weekends, shopping and general stuff around the house.

My parents knew that we wouldn't be over this weekend, and I said that I would ring on Sunday when we spoke on Friday. Unbeknownst to her I had ordered some flowers and a card to be delivered today.....so I hadn't rung so far to give them a chance to come - probably my biggest mistake!

Just had a sobbing phone call saying that it would have been nice if we had come, she's been waiting and listening for the phone. Oh, the flowers are nice but it's not what she wanted. Now I feel so crap about something that I thought was nice, but maybe I shouldn't have bothered Sad

OP posts:
watchingthedetectives · 15/03/2015 17:39

I phoned my Mum and asked her what she had got - she said 'a lovely phone call from you'

The blasted flowers haven't arrived yet but she didn't seem at all put out - I think this is how it should be.

Too much angst on here for a slightly manufactured celebration

Original poster
utahforever · 15/03/2015 17:46

Yep I agree with the angst. To me it is just another day.....she knows I love her and I bring her gifts and flowers a lot of the times we visit. She just seems very insecure and constantly seems to measure herself against other people and what they have received, rather than being happy and confident in herself.

OP posts:
VodkaJelly · 15/03/2015 17:51

My ds is 19 and lives about 10 mins away, I have had neither a card or a phone call, meh, I will live, I don't understand all this angst over 1 day

honeyroar · 15/03/2015 18:00

I think Mother's Day amplifies things and can make people that are unhappy about things feel extra sad.

I can't have children. Most of the time I can deal with it. That's life. But Mother's Day, every year without fail, makes me feel like crying. My lovely stepson always sends a card, which is lovely, but the whole day and seeing everyone else's posts on Facebook etc. just makes me feel a failure. I know I'm not, I know I'm not the only one, but this big commercial day just rubs it in. Like Valentines day does for single people..

I would think that Mothers Day, and seeing all her friends being taken out by their daughters etc is probably making your mum feel bad. She probably has a point. The flowers were lovely, but what she really wanted was to see you and her family. 40 mins is not that far away, and why not miss out on your routine for one day if it makes your (i would think) ageing mother happy. I think that she is probably already hurting that she only sees you every few weeks, and Mothers Day has just rubbed it in.

miniavenger · 15/03/2015 18:46

SIBU, not you OP, in being upset that you aren't there today. She said she would prefer you there last weekend and not this weekend and now she's guilting you about not coming over. I completely get why you'd wait on calling but if she is insecure it's probably been playing on her mind, probably for the future with things like this and others just call her early even if she won't have got her gifts then hopefully she won't be as bad.

But don't feel bad about not going, she is unreasonable about that.

dustarr73 · 15/03/2015 19:11

The thing with people like that if you call her next year ,it will be just something different.I would scale back the visits and say to yuor mum your si=on has other things to do.So teh Saturday visits 3 times a month are going to stop.As will all the occasions including Christmas.My mam was like this and i had to do a cull and just put my foot down,Hard as it was it was as much fr her benefit. as mine.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 19:26

Wow dustarr what a lovely child you sound Hmm

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 19:30

I must say I really am surprised how many of you keep their mum at arm's length like this. My mum sees me or ar least her grandchildren about 3 times a week, and she would be pretty sad if she didn't. She wouldn't complain, she would just be inwardly sad at not being a part of our lives. It's not always easy, but family is important, especially grandparents.

Flipchart · 15/03/2015 19:33

Mmm. I can see how she feels, a bit. You often only visit once every three weeks even though she's only 40 mins away? She's probably missing you all terribly.
Blimey, I see that as virtually living in mums pocket!!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 19:39

Really? Why?

KiteKit · 15/03/2015 19:41

Crikey Inspace there is simply NO way I could live like that. I think you are not at all taking into account that some relationships are not that harmonious. I live a 3hour drive from my parents and did not go home today out of choice for a number of very complex reasons. I did send a card and a small gift and phoned her this morning.

It is not always as simple as your view would seem.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 15/03/2015 19:42

OP YANBU, IMO you have absolutely nothing wrong. Honey did you miss the part about the OP and family having visited the last two weekends and having suggested they do today instead of one of those and were told not to?

Visiting every few weeks when it is a 40 min drive each way is not "holding at arms' length" for heaven's sake!

exexpat · 15/03/2015 19:44

Once every three weeks when it's a total of 1 hour 20 minutes driving time, you both work full time, and your DS has weekend activities on both Saturday and Sunday - that sounds to me like a pretty big chunk of your very limited free time at weekends.

Are you an only child? It sounds like she is very needy, and you are the focus of all her attention.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 19:49

Kitekat I'm not suggesting you see your parents a lot if you don't get on, of course.but I get on reasonably with my mum and see her a few times a week. She visits her 92 year old mum and takes her meals daily and does her washing. Horses for courses I guess. We're obviously a fairly close family. Shrug. That's wrong now, is it?

KiteKit · 15/03/2015 19:58

No, I am not saying it is wrong, whatever works for each family is the essence but you were pretty quick to pass judgement on anyone whose arrangements were different to yours. That's all.

As it happens I do get on with my family, but that is because I have given myself the space to allow this to happen. My mum was the type who lived 15mins from my grandparents and we all lived in each others pockets when I was a child / teen etc and it it not for me now that I am an adult. We have a better relationship as a result (speaking from my perspective of course, my mum would probably love us to live next door!)

MrsWembley · 15/03/2015 20:00

InSpace, how close are you to your mum? In physical terms, that is, not emotionally!Wink

I am 1&2/2-2 hrs away from mine and see her for a few days around each school holiday. Is this too little? Should I be haring down the motorway every weekend at the expense of my personal life?

OP, you need to have 'the conversation with your DM. And ignore the sulks. If she choses to act like a petulant child then talk to her like that.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 20:21

We all live in the same town. I have thought about moving away but decided not to, because I think my kids benefit a lot from living close to grandparents, and my and my husband's parents get to see their families. Obviously if you have no choice but to move away, then of course you can't be that close, which is only right and proper. But I also know lots of people who have moved away out of choice, which can leave behind some very lonely grandparents. I'm not judging anyone, but I do think people should be fully aware of their impact on their families.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 20:25

InSpace

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 20:29

Arse of a phone!Angry.

Don't assume others have a relationship like your's with their Mother?

MrsWembley · 15/03/2015 20:30

Oh good god, if I thought that my DCs were going to stay near me for fear that I might get lonely, I would be having words.

It's a great, big world out there and I know that family is important but, seriously, children should be encouraged to go out and live their lives to the full, not stay chained to their mother's apron strings.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 20:31

I'm not. I said up thread that obviously if you don't get on, then you won't visit much.

redexpat · 15/03/2015 20:32

I wish people wouldn't bloody say "it's fine" when it's not.

This. Does my head in when people insist that nothing's wrong then sit there with a face on. Spit it out FFS!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 20:34

She did encourage us Mrs Wembley- I moved abroad when I was 18 and my sister moved away. But we both moved back when we had children when we realised to good it could be for all involved. My parents never tried to persuade us to stay. Hmm

MrsWembley · 15/03/2015 20:34

I get on with my mum, it's just that we have chosen to live in different parts of the country! Ffs, how does this mean I don't get on with her!

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/03/2015 20:38

OP, she knew you weren't visiting this weekend so to cry and guilt trip you down the phone today was VU and you were right to end the call.

You did a lovely thing in ordering your mum flowers to be delivered today.

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