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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do something nice and it's still bloody wrong!!!!

77 replies

utahforever · 15/03/2015 16:09

I'm so cross that I have hung up on my mother, first time in 45 years.

First off, I am not bothered about today for me as I don't really do cards, gifts, etc - I know my ds loves me and would much rather a hug Grin

However my mother doesn't believe in this, and thinks that only visits and presents show how much she is loved. Therefore we have visited the last two weekends (40 mins each way) for a spontaneous visit and a birthday visit. We normally visit every 2-3 weekends - ds has orchestra and swim training on saturday mornings and sunday afternoons, so we fit it in as best we can. We both work Mon-Fri and look forward to spending some time with each other at the weekends, shopping and general stuff around the house.

My parents knew that we wouldn't be over this weekend, and I said that I would ring on Sunday when we spoke on Friday. Unbeknownst to her I had ordered some flowers and a card to be delivered today.....so I hadn't rung so far to give them a chance to come - probably my biggest mistake!

Just had a sobbing phone call saying that it would have been nice if we had come, she's been waiting and listening for the phone. Oh, the flowers are nice but it's not what she wanted. Now I feel so crap about something that I thought was nice, but maybe I shouldn't have bothered Sad

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 15/03/2015 20:38

Inspacedont assume you know anything of my family dynamics.My mother was very domineering.Nothing was good enough so in teh end for my sanity i had to things my way.I couldnt put her ahead of my kids.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 20:38

It doesn't. It's up to you. Would she like to see more of you though? If not, fine!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 20:39

You didn't mention that before dustarr

firesidechat · 15/03/2015 20:41

After hearing all these Mother's Day stories on here for the past week +, I honestly wish they could bring out a law to ban the bloody thing. All it causes for some people are unreasonable expectations and disappointment.

Personally I share your view of it op and think your mum is being ridiculous to cry down the phone at you. A delivery of flowers is a lovely thing.

I haven't seen my children today, but they have done more than enough - a card and small present a few days ago from one and a card from the other one and a text from both this morning. I've had a lovely day with my husband and all is well. I know I am loved, I don't need Mother's Day to tell me that.

Bogeyface · 15/03/2015 20:42

I read on here the other day....

If you are damned if you do and damned if you dont then do as you damn well please!

Babymamaroon · 15/03/2015 20:45

Ptolemys - I'm not sure I entirely agree with "your mum's happiness is not your responsibility". Surely in a loving family, you'd hope everyone wanted each other to be happy? I think we all, both parents and children, have a responsibility to make sure everyone is happy. Within reason obvs...but nonetheless that duty is the crux of a happy family.

MayLuke83 · 15/03/2015 20:51

Gosh, visiting parents three times a week? I live close to both DM and MIL but that would be completely too much. Yes parents are important but as is independence and privacy as adults! OP I don't think you were unreasonable! You were being very thoughtful...sometimes others have different expectations and it can be really tough!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/03/2015 20:53

No, we're not responsible for the happiness of our parents.

We can enrich and enhance what they already have but nothing more if they select otherwise.
.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 21:05

What has seeing my mum a lot got to do with privacy? She doesn't follow me into the toilet or bedroom, she pops in for a sherry or cup of tea!

ArcheryAnnie · 15/03/2015 21:22

Oh good god, if I thought that my DCs were going to stay near me for fear that I might get lonely, I would be having words.

Yes, this, MrsWembley. It's entirely possible that DS will live with me when he's an adult (it's a very common practice in one half of our family background for boys to stay at home and eventually take over the household with their own families), but whether he does or he doesn't, bloody hell, he will be a grown up and I actively hope he will have too much of a life to be in my pocket all the time. My dearest wish is that he finds people in his life (partner, children) that he will grow to love more than he loves me. (He will always have the biggest place in my heart - but that's my issue, not his.)

WineCowboy · 15/03/2015 21:31

DH had that treatment today aswell despite us spending loads of time with them over the last few weeks. And I don't think 40 mins is that close to be honest.

I detest the neediness of my mil, she has NO idea what our daily life consists of and is really selfish about demanding his/our time.

I think you did a nice thing sending her flowers, don't worry about it, it's her issue not yours. I can't stand pandering to needy people, it makes me SO SO SO mad and furious.

It's ok to try to make people happy but you are not responsible for her happiness.

WineCowboy · 15/03/2015 21:33

Oops x post classy!

youarekiddingme · 15/03/2015 21:35

I agree she shouldn't expect visits - it's too much pressure on you and your a mum too and have a right to spend MD how you choose.

My mum was the opposite. (Hoping this makes you laugh!) Usually we have tea and cakes round hers - informal doing it at x time if you can make it. (Always at a time she knows would suit us all - evening!)
Her and my dad are on holiday abroad atm. I text her this morning to say happy MD and hope they are having a lovely time. I never text when they are away. She replied thanks, having a lovely time, happy MD to you too, please don't text anymore as it costs me money Grin

thatsucks · 15/03/2015 21:35

OP your mother is in the wrong, not you. I really really sympathise x

Kittymum03 · 15/03/2015 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWembley · 15/03/2015 22:02

Someone once told me (or I read it around these partsWink) that you'll never know how much your mother loves you until you have your own children.

But yes, this doesn't make you responsible for their happiness. I know my mum loves me, she knows I love her. OP, I take it your DM knows you love her? Is there some backstory that might explain her neediness?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 22:26

But knowing someone loves you is no substitute for spending time with them. Check out the other thread about a mum terrified her boys will forget about her.

firesidechat · 15/03/2015 22:40

I know my children love me and they spend time with me. I don't need to see them on a "special" day to feel loved and appreciated. Honestly, who wants to go out for a meal on the same day as every man and his dog, just because someone (card companies? whoever?) tells me to.

InSpace I think you are well out of order for trying to guilt trip the op. She has done nothing wrong and grown ups crying down the phone because they only got flowers and a card is pathetic and manipulative.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/03/2015 23:07

Fireside don't be so ridiculous- none of my recent posts are even aimed at the OP. I'm not guilt tripping anyone!

Kittymum03 · 16/03/2015 02:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 16/03/2015 02:24

My mother probably wouldn't care if she ever saw me but she'd see the GC every day if she could :o

I live five hours away though so we only see them once a month or so. PIL live closer and we see them once or twice a week.

Op she is BU since she said she didn't want you to visit her!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 16/03/2015 07:11

Kitty that is really hard

AliceMcGee · 16/03/2015 07:20

I think you should have made the effort to visit on mother's day when you know it is so important to her and you live relatively close

CrystalCove · 16/03/2015 07:21

It sounds like this says more about your overall relationship than anything else and there's probably more to it. We are all different. If I'm reading it right the thing I think YABU about though is putting your foot down about her spending time with you on your DSs birthday - when my Mum was alive I wanted her there, as did my DSs. But all families are different, I just get this what I feel can be preciousness about "family time" on family occasions. I'm not saying this is you btw OP but I've seen it on here so many times it's really sad. Meanwhile in real life Grandparents are there on birthdays etc.

Phoenixashes · 16/03/2015 07:49

YMDANBU

I've had this. One time (my first Mother's Day) I tried to see my mum the day before but she said she would be out. So in order that she got her cards/gifts I left them with Dbro to give to her (he lives five minutes from her house). Apparently, I was wrong because I hadn't called to check she was in and got a major verbal bashing. She even refused to except the the gifts until I came and gave them to her! Another time as a mother's day gift I bought a joint present for both her and my DG (high tea at a exclusive hotel). I then got a tirade of text messages and phone calls from various my mum and relatives, telling me how very dare I buy a joint gift...

For all those saying you should have made an effort to go...why? The OP had already said that they had spent a number of weekends with her parents and it was discussed prior to yesterday that were not going to go. Why didn't the OPs mum visit her instead, if it was so important for her to see them all? After all, the OP is a mother too.