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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say that it's often the crap mums who get spoiled on Mothers Day

95 replies

Springtulip · 15/03/2015 13:38

It's something I've noticed over the years. The mums who do everything for their kids, (I'm thinking more grown up kids) and their grandkids, the ones who are always there to lend a hand, babysit, just in general do what they can to make their kids lives easier, are often the ones who don't get made a fuss of on Mother's Day. Where as the ones who don't get involved and never lend a helping hand, never babysit (I've known loads who don't) and weren't even very good mums when their kids were little, get pampered, took out for meals, made a fuss of.
I'm not saying this is the case for everyone but I have noticed it quite a lot. Anyone else agree.

OP posts:

quietbatperson · 15/03/2015 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 15/03/2015 19:38

Or alternatively, the mums who ran themselves ragged after their kids and continue to do so for their grown up offspring, have succeeded in raising lazy, selfish, utterly self absorbed individuals - who take them for granted on Mothers Day just as much as they do every other day of the year? #missingmymumandbitter

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/03/2015 19:38

So the fact that my dses (aged nearly 18, nearly 20 and 21.5) bought me nice, thoughtful presents means I am a crap mum, who is not there for them, wouldn't help them out and doesn't care if their life is harder when I could make it easier, and they are trying to buy my love.

What a sad, horrible thread.

WastingMyYoungYears · 15/03/2015 19:50

This thread is a bit misjudged , there's no need to piss on anyone's chips.

Original poster

Springtulip · 15/03/2015 19:50

SDt..... Well I must be a crap mum too because I got nice thoughtful presents off mine too..... I didn't say everybody did I.
It's not a sad horrible thread at all, it's thought provoking. Only those who choose to interpret a thread in a way that's isn't what the OP is trying to convey make a thread nasty.

OP posts:

WastingMyYoungYears · 15/03/2015 19:59

The plural of anecdote is anecdotes, not data.

LouiseBrooks · 15/03/2015 20:00

Springtulip I think there's a lot of truth in what you say. I've seen it within my own family with a close relative who has been a pretty crap mum really. She has always put her own needs before the children, spent money down the pub but can't afford things that they need, even refused to go to parents' evening on more than one occasion because it clashed with a regular weekly social engagement she has. I've seen her kids in tears when they were young because they were let down constantly, promised things (nothing big and not expensive) then told at the last minute they couldn't have them. Now they are in their late teens Mothers Day is full of their FB posts about her being an amazing mum etc (although they still moan at times, so maybe they feel obligated to do this.)

I think some people have misunderstood your thread. You haven't said at all every mother who gets good stuff is a crap mum, just that it happens and you are right.

Philoslothy · 15/03/2015 20:00

I do think that you are pissing on everyone's primroses. My mother was shit, as a adult I have never made much of an effort. My step son's mother however is probably the most thoughtful earth mother type that you can meet, we have always encouraged her son to make a fuss of her and he is now practically an adult.

In a similar fashion Mother's Day is a big event in our house, not because I am needy or insecure but just because we are a very demonstrative family who love an opportunity to buy stuff.

WastingMyYoungYears · 15/03/2015 20:06

I actually think it's really healthy to show DC that it's nice to make a fuss of people who they love (and who love them) on birthdays, at Christmas, on Mother's Day etc.

Original poster

Springtulip · 15/03/2015 20:14

Thanks Louise. I certainly haven't said every mother who gets good stuff is crap, what a stupid assumption that'd be. I got some nice pressies myself and I like to think I'm a good mum. But as usual on mumsnet you always get the ones who seem to only pick out the bits of the thread that suits them so they can attack you and choose to ignore other very relevant parts.
I'm pleased that you and quite a lot of others got what I meant.

OP posts:

Philoslothy · 15/03/2015 20:18

But you must think most mothers who get a good amount of gift age are a bit shit and as there will be lots of mothers reading and posting on here who got lots of gifts you must be including some of us.

I am not offended, I already know that by MN standards I am a parenting failure.

ilovechristmas1 · 15/03/2015 20:22

oh for goodness sake the thread is pretty easy to understand (if they have managed to read it and not skim),some people just like an argument op

SharkCat · 15/03/2015 20:28

sometimes in that case is because they are seeking approval of the parents

mildlyacquiescent · 15/03/2015 20:28

My child's present to me was "letting" me give her a footrub at bedtime.

What kind of mother does that make me?

Original poster

Springtulip · 15/03/2015 20:29

No I don't think that at all Philoslothy

OP posts:

AliceLidlLovesWindlePoons · 15/03/2015 20:34

I think I know what you mean OP.

I posted yesterday about DH's Mum, who has been absolutely awful for years, sending him a message to say she would like "a lovely text" today and going on to tell him what she would like that text from him to say. That's not all she wanted, but she decided this would be a nice extra.

She's always been very high maintenance and it has been known to happen in that past that if she didn't think her card or present was good enough, FIL would ring up to shout abuse at us and DH would go out and buy her something 'better', usually something she had already had her eye on and decided we could buy for her.

In addition, the card and present could be perfect (cards always had to have a long poem in them, preferably a poem one of us made up but if not then it had to be one of those Helen Steiner Rice epics of gushiness) but if we didn't spend precisely the right amount of time visiting her to hand all this lot over, we'd get a phone call half way home telling us she was in tears and we'd ruined her day.

The reason I posted about this yesterday was because I was telling someone about Mother's day 2007. We buried our stillborn baby four days before Mother's day and wanted to ignore the day in all honesty. MIL had said she didn't want to acknowledge the day because her own mother had died just over a year before, but changed her mind without telling anybody and we got a phone call with FIL ranting at us for ruining her day. When we pointed out she hadn't wanted anything and that we were having a hard time ourselves we were told that they had forgotten about our baby but DH was still expected to do something for his mother because she was inconsolable that all four of her adult children had 'forgotten' her and he should have known better.

DS spent his childhood being told he had to make her happy or she would have a breakdown and everyone would blame him.

This is the type of person I think the OP is talking about. Not everybody, just people like this. OP did say 'often the case' not 'always the case'.

And it's true in MIL's case, the OP is right. The whole family knew how bad it would be if she was unhappy about one little detail, so everybody went overboard to try and prevent the drama, not because they felt that she deserved a lovely day.

AledJones · 15/03/2015 20:41

Lots of people determined to misunderstand the OP here.

I hear what you're saying, tulip. My sil is, let's just say a "difficult" personality - almost impossible to buy gifts for, as we've heard her slagging off other people's efforts over the years and we're terrified of getting it wrong. God forbid if a birthday present ever arrived late - my brother once informed my parents that sil didn't consider it worth receiving a gift late as there was "no point." This was just as they were handing over a fragile glass object that they hadn't wanted to post, for obvious reasons.

One Christmas a while back we watched db present her with her gifts of: cashmere sweater and scarf, iphone, ipad, complete set of Clarins products, Chanel No 5, a spa day at Champneys, real suede gloves, various bits of jewellery, plus a few other bits and pieces. "She deserves it," he said, as we tried to work out how/why. as she's a complete and utter bitch to him.

evmil · 15/03/2015 20:46

YANBU but I wouldn't say it is only the crap mums, however it does surprise me that some awful mums appear to get spoilt rotten on mothers day.

I have a 15 yo living with me at the minuet. She has 7 boys and he's the youngest by about 5/6 years. He lived with his mum until he was 11 but because of abuse from her boyfriend and general neglect from her he moved in with his older brothers. They struggled with him which is why he is with us now.

Anyway, he got a phone call from his older brother at 9am this morning reminding him to give his mum a ring as it was mothers day and to be ready at 2pm to be picked up ready for the family meal at an expensive restaurant (he didn't go in the end as his eldest brother turned up to pick him up and 15yo was, understandably, in a foul mood and ended up arguing with his brother who told him not to bother coming if he was going to ruin it ). He then got a rant phonetical from him mum about his lack of effort on 'her special day'

The worst bit is she clearly doesn't care about him at all. She does have limited access due to social services but even when she is supposed to see him she never turns up, will leave him waiting for ages, doesn't send birthday/Christmas cards ect. The last time she contacted him was a month ago when she wanted money.

On the plus side, he's cheered a bit since earlier. Oh, and he bought me and DH a thank you card and handed it over saying 'if I have to get my mum something i may as well get you something as well'. He did write a really nice passage in it though and me and DH were not expecting anything so are touched.

SallyMcgally · 15/03/2015 20:50

I think you have a point OP. I sent my Mum a Meg Rivers cake and biscuits and my sister took her out for dinner. I didn't send a cad because I don't want to sign one saying how wonderful she is as a mother. She isn't. She's desperately narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and bad tempered. But it's easy to make her happy for a short time with actions like that. That makes life a little easier for my DF too.

Leafitout · 15/03/2015 21:06

Yanbu I know a mum of four kids who is constantly drunk, turns up at school pick up time falling out of her car drunk, drinks at home and falls asleep leaving the kids to fend for themselves. Bearly takes any notice of them palming them off on everybody. She is so selfish and a shit mum. Cheats constantly behind her partners back, slags off her partner behind his back but yet he will do anything for her! She gets four desperate cards from the kids for dads birthday and woe betide if your ever forgot her birthday card! She is such a drama queen and feels it is her entitlement to the best of everything. She refuses to cook at xmas so he has to book a restaurant every year at her wish. And she is spoiled rotten on Mother's Day!
I was so happy that I got " I love you mum" and a cup of coffee in bed that's all I needed.

Leafitout · 15/03/2015 21:07

Separate

revealall · 15/03/2015 21:09

YANBU
I see this at work too.
But even if I didn't my Facebook page today confirms confirms it.

There is a definite split between the " I am such a lucky mumma" posts that lists all the attention they got with trophy photos of whatever meal was cooked/ paid for .....and the ones who went for a walk or went out and posted photos that were of their children/ mothers/ grandparents etc.

wanttosqueezeyou · 15/03/2015 21:12

Not in my experience. YABU.

RabbitSaysWoof · 15/03/2015 21:14

Alice I am at your IL's selfishness.

Original poster

Springtulip · 15/03/2015 21:23

I'm so pleased that so many of you get what I mean. Alice I'm so sorry for your loss . Your inlaws sound horrendous, unbelievably insensitive.
I will say again, I really am not saying that everyone who gets lovely cards and gifts from their grown up children is because they weren't good mothers. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm talking about a specific type, who get lots of fuss made when they've done nothing to deserve it. Unfortunately there are a lot.

OP posts:

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