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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my DM "no"?

63 replies

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 19:02

My mum is my best friend. I absolutely adore her - we've been through a lot together.
Ive recently found out that im pregnant (omg) and obviously told her. She told her partner - she's been with him for about 9 years now. I'm totally cool with her telling him as I do like him (for the most part) but she called me and asked me if its ok for him to be called "grandad"? I said it might get a bit confusing as our child (which is the size of a poppyseed right now!) would have 3 granddads... But obviously I wasn't going to decide immediately as we have loads of time to think about this.

I feel uncomfortable having him as "granddad" because he's been difficult wanting to move in with mum, isn't making any attempts to marry her (despite them being engaged for the most part of 8 years) and also bailed out on Christmas at mine and my husbands at the last second which understandably upset my mum.
He makes her laugh and she adores him, but she did get to a point where she thought she was going to have to break it all off because he just wasn't showing any signs of actually moving in. He's had a hard time with jobs - usually he gets passed over for a much younger candidate. He finally found his ideal job as a fish monger (he adores fish!) but then being in such a cold environment made his angina bad :(
When he and my mum got together, he made it clear to her that he didn't want to be a "stepdad" - which was fine by me as I didn't need a father figure at 20 and my dad was enough. As the years went on, he grew closer to myself and my brother and we supported him when his mother and father died.

I sort of feel that mum has put me in an awkward situation because I don't think my "stepdad" should have the title of "granddad"... But then again, why not? Does it really matter?

On the other hand, my dad's wife is ambivalent about what she's called and they have said "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it".

What have others done?

OP posts:

ShanVanVocht · 14/03/2015 19:04

Just leave it alone. It will happen naturally when your child starts to talk and name people for themselves. It really doesn't have to be a big deal, and certainly isn't worth any angst at this point.

MuddlingMackem · 14/03/2015 19:06

My nana's second husband was very much our and our cousin's granda, even though he very much wasn't my mam's step-dad.

Your mum's partner will know your child from being born and will be part of its life in a way he hasn't been for you, so it's very possible to be a grandparent without having actually been a step-parent to the granchild's parent. If that makes sense. :)

PannaDoll · 14/03/2015 19:08

I think it was a strange thing for your mother to request. I would dodge the issue and see how you feel about it further down the track.

mayfridaycomequickly · 14/03/2015 19:10

It really doesn't matter - ds has 2 grandas and differentiates in his own way. Some of his friends have 3 or 4 gramps / grandad/ grandas.

GuybrushThreepwoodMightyPirate · 14/03/2015 19:11

I had a similar situation with my mum's DP/DH. They got married shortly after DD1 was born. Whilst he will never be my stepdad, he adores the DC and is certainly their grandpa, he is called by his name with grandad in front to differentiate from the two bio grandads iyswim. You need to be comfortable with it though. I drew the line at his children being uncle/auntie to my DC.

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 19:12

I hadn't thought about "leaving it alone" as my child will work it out his/herself tbh. It's something that's always worried me since I was a teenager about how strange the set up will be when I have children of my own... But then they'll know nothing different.

I just feel he should "earn" grandfather rights and he hasn't done a brilliant job with my mum over the years...
I'll deff dodge the situation for now! I have plenty of time to sort it out!

OP posts:

TheHiiTCrowd · 14/03/2015 19:14

Do you call him 'jim' . I wouldn't worry. I bet you anything your children will pick up on what you call him and refer to grandma and *jim.

My xfil used to write cards from granddad and grandma to my children, from him and his wife. I always wrote the cards and thank you letters back to granddad and *Joan.

I never argued with them about it but the granddad label won't take off if you're not behind it. Because you will be saying 'right, we're off to grandma and jim's house now' etc etc and your children will pick up on your labels.

TheHiiTCrowd · 14/03/2015 19:15

i mean, what ever his given name is.

ShanVanVocht · 14/03/2015 19:15

He will earn grandfather rights from the child (or not). Don't confuse his relationship with the child with his relationship with you or your mother. They aren't the same thing.

LittleMissRayofHope · 14/03/2015 19:16

My situation is slightly different but close.

My dad announced many moons ago he was gay and has now been living with his partner (let's call him Fred) for 10 years. Totally cool about it. Happy for them. Like the guy. I involve him in my life exactly the same way I would if dad had met a woman.

I now have 2 dc. My dad is grandpa. Fred is Fred. This has happened totally naturally. Whenever Fred has come up in conversation I call him Fred. So 'we're going to grandpa and Fred's house' 'we can go with Fred to feed the ducks'
Fred wasn't too pleased at first. He felt he should be grandad. But I call him Fred. So dd always heard him be called Fred and has followed suit.

The question was asked when I was pregnant with my first. And I answered 'see what they say when they are old enough!' And that is how it has been.

I would leave it alone. It will happen how it happens. But if your really uncomfortable about it at the end of the day. It's your child. Ultimately, it is your choice

twinkletoedelephant · 14/03/2015 19:17

My children call dhs step mum grandma and her mum and dad grandma and grandpa they had one Nana ( my mum) and still have a nanny x as well as had a nanny y.

The more people that love and show affection towards our children the better the children work it pur for themselves.

They also call my brother in laws parents nanny xx as their cousin all do so they just follow along she dosnt mind and treats them all the same :-)

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 19:18

Haha - I re-read my OP as I thought it was a typo! Ive had to correct "Jim" to "him" LOL.

I call him by his first name. Perhaps grandpa *jim will do...

OP posts:

TheHiiTCrowd · 14/03/2015 19:18

he made it clear he didn't want to be a step dad

Wow. Well I agree with your reservations. If he was clear about not wanting to be your step dad then I don't think step granddad is appropriate.

My x's step mother had fallen out with her own children so I felt the fake grandma label would have been ridiculous and I just rolled my eyes at them trying to push it.

twinkletoedelephant · 14/03/2015 19:18

The will however never call the woman who married my father nanny grandma or anything other than her first name..... Ever

I may reconsider in many years when she bothers to learn their names

gobbin · 14/03/2015 19:19

How about How about three different grandad names for each such as Grandad, Gramps, Grancha, Pops, Bamps etc. There will be other regional variations I don't know.

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 19:20

I just don't want to confuse my children if my mum doesn't stay with him... And I don't see him being an amazing grandpa either... But we'll see I guess!

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 14/03/2015 19:21

I agree let it happen organically. but if she wants an answer could you maybe compromise on Grandad (his name)?

when dd was born my step kids (who adore my parents) asked what they were meant to call my parents now dd was here. I asked them what they wanted to call them and my gorgeous dsd asked of it would be ok to call them Granny and Grandpa as she didn't want dd to be confused. as the last 18 months have gone on they have adapted it to Granny mum's name and Grandpa dad's name.

Quitelikely · 14/03/2015 19:22

I think it's fantastic that he wants to be a grampa to your new baby.

In all honesty a baby cannot be surrounded by too much love or positive healthy relationships.

I'm in the yes camp

PerpetualStudent · 14/03/2015 19:27

I'm in a similar, but more recent situation - pregnant with my first DC, and my mum has a partner of about a year. I'm 28 and hadn't lived at home for years when he came on the scene, so our relationship has zero step parent connotations. Truth be told I think he's a bit of cock-lodger, but I love and respect my mum and can see she is happy so I leave it.

The idea of him being my new baby's 'Grandad' makes me go into primal defensive mother mode though! My DF and FIL are awesome people who me and DP love and owe a lot to, and I just don't think it's fair to give this new bloke a name that puts him on the same level...

So,I think you're totally within your rights, as other PP's have, to encourage calling your mum's DP by his given name. At the end of the day, the children will probably choose whatever they fancy, but I don't think it's down to your mum and her DP to put in requests in advance.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/03/2015 19:30

There are families who have a Grandpa John and a Grandpa David. I have a friend who calls her step-father by his first name. Her boys call him Papa. That's name/title they thought up for themselves. Or rather, the oldest did and the younger followed suit. I think it's rather nice.

Eva50 · 14/03/2015 19:32

My dsd's little boy calls me Granny and I sign cards to him from Grandad and Granny. Dsd buys me "Mum" birthday cards and "Dad and Mum" christmas cards but I always sign cards to her as Dad And Eva as she has another Mum and I wouldn't want to tread on toes.

MyNameIsSuz · 14/03/2015 19:36

Hmm, I think perhaps see how he is with the baby as to what kind of relationship they will have. My stepdad is grandad, and my boy has three grandads, though the situation is different to yours as my mum and stepdad have been married since I was a child. That said, I never liked my stepdad, but he's actually been a brilliant grandad and my boy adores him, he totally deserves to be grandad for the way he treats him.

MyNameIsSuz · 14/03/2015 19:37

Oh and I mean, seeing them together has changed the way I see him too and we have a much better relationship. Wait and see, children can change things.

pluCaChange · 14/03/2015 19:42

Maybe it's your mother's initiative, as a means to making "Jim" declare himself and commit more to her? If that's the case, your mother might be a bit pushy and awkward about this, but just refer her back o his not wanting to be "stepdad"...

GoooRooo · 14/03/2015 19:49

My DH's step mother calls herself 'Nanny Sue'. We have had to hide this fact from both my mother and his because both would be put out about it. We rarely see her and she has no contact with our mums so we've let her get on with calling herself whatever she wants. This might get more tricky as DS gets older.

My dad's GF gets called by her name and there's no way she's being a Nanny.

How would your dad and the other grandfather feel about your stepdad being Grandad?

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