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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DM "no"?

63 replies

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 19:02

My mum is my best friend. I absolutely adore her - we've been through a lot together.
Ive recently found out that im pregnant (omg) and obviously told her. She told her partner - she's been with him for about 9 years now. I'm totally cool with her telling him as I do like him (for the most part) but she called me and asked me if its ok for him to be called "grandad"? I said it might get a bit confusing as our child (which is the size of a poppyseed right now!) would have 3 granddads... But obviously I wasn't going to decide immediately as we have loads of time to think about this.

I feel uncomfortable having him as "granddad" because he's been difficult wanting to move in with mum, isn't making any attempts to marry her (despite them being engaged for the most part of 8 years) and also bailed out on Christmas at mine and my husbands at the last second which understandably upset my mum.
He makes her laugh and she adores him, but she did get to a point where she thought she was going to have to break it all off because he just wasn't showing any signs of actually moving in. He's had a hard time with jobs - usually he gets passed over for a much younger candidate. He finally found his ideal job as a fish monger (he adores fish!) but then being in such a cold environment made his angina bad :(
When he and my mum got together, he made it clear to her that he didn't want to be a "stepdad" - which was fine by me as I didn't need a father figure at 20 and my dad was enough. As the years went on, he grew closer to myself and my brother and we supported him when his mother and father died.

I sort of feel that mum has put me in an awkward situation because I don't think my "stepdad" should have the title of "granddad"... But then again, why not? Does it really matter?

On the other hand, my dad's wife is ambivalent about what she's called and they have said "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it".

What have others done?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 22:57

Shan - thank you for your contribution but im not here for a psycho-analysis. Simply some advice about what my DC could call my mums partner.

OP posts:
ShanVanVocht · 14/03/2015 23:00

Then perhaps you shouldn't have talked quite so much about your feelings about him and how they are the reason you are even asking the question? Hmm

They will call him what they want to, unless you force the issue to suit yourself which you seem intent on

Original poster
Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 23:03

Jeez... You are the only person on this thread who is intent on making me out to be some nasty person.

Again, thank you for your contribution but you're barking up the wrong tree.

As I have already said before, I will probably let my DC decide so kindly refrain from your passive aggressive comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 23:05

And I spoke about my feelings because they are the REASON why I feel uncomfortable giving this man the role of "grandfather"!

OP posts:
Charlotte3333 · 14/03/2015 23:12

DS1 was 2 when my Mum remarried and we decided he would be 'Papa' rather than Grandad. DS1 already had two Grandads; my Dad and Ex's Dad, and I felt a little uneasy at the thought of her DH being called Grandad, too.

He's Papa Alan to both DS' now and no less a part of their lives than their Grandads. Papa Alan's Mum is known as Nanna Margaret and the boys don't seem to confuse her with any other Grandparents. We see quite a bit of her and she dotes on the DC's as though they were her own Great-Grandchildren. Extended families can be tricky; DS2 calls DS1's Dad's parents (who we also see quite often) Grandma and Grandad. They love seeing both children, and treat them equally regardless of biology. It doesn't always have to be awkward, though.

Original poster
Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 23:19

Papa is cute :) mums partner is from East london, so perhaps we can come up with a suitable cockney nickname for him :)

OP posts:
TheHiiTCrowd · 14/03/2015 23:25

Are you a step grandparent who's been put at a distance by an chance shanvanvocht ?

Gwenci · 14/03/2015 23:33

It's funny that people have left DC to decide for themselves what to call people. Does this work? I rather assumed DC would call people whatever their parents referred to them as?

I only ask as this is what my MIL suggested when DH and I asked her what she and FIL would like to be known as. DD was their first grandchild so no precedent, whereas my parents were already Grandma and Grandad. MIL said she didn't want to be anything. (But then her response when we told her she was going to be a grandparent was to say 'oh. Right.' Then ask BIL about his upcoming holiday!) When pushed she said DD could just call them Janet and Alf. We thought this was really distant so DH and I refer to them as Granny Janet and Grandpa Alf and assume DD will do the same.

Might've been interesting to have left it and see what DD came up with! At the moment they'd just each be called 'teeth' like everything else!

Original poster
Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 23:37

I think they must pick up a bit from you as where else would they get it from? But I also remember trying to call my mum Mum, not Mummy... But it just stuck... We tried to get me out of it, but I couldnt... I'm determined my DH will be Daddy and not Dad Grin

Haha, teeth could be an interesting nickname!

OP posts:
WandaDoff · 14/03/2015 23:43

The world is full of unusual family setups these days.

If he wants to be involved and you are comfortable with it, then an extra person willing to make an effort for your child can't hurt IMHO Smile

jaynebxl · 14/03/2015 23:46

Children go with whatever you call someone. We have a grandad who is married to my mum but has never been my step dad as I was over 30 when he married her. I call him grandad too when I introduce him to people because it makes life easier and I've never called him step dad. My mil has a bf who we are not close enough to to call him a grandad so we all use his first name and call him Ron. My kids have grown up thinking in our family we have Nanny and Grandad, Granny and Ron. For ages they thought Ron was another way of saying grandad. They really do take their cue from you. And in my experience someone can be a great grandad without having any kind of stepfather role with you.

BestIsWest · 14/03/2015 23:52

DD had 3 Grandads. Now Step FIL wasn't always kind to DH when he was younger nor was he very complimentary to me but he had a magical bond with DD. She called him Grandpa xxx (his first name) and she adored him. He died when she was 7 but I'll always be glad they had that relationship. She still has a framed photo of him and her together in her room.

CapnMurica · 15/03/2015 00:15

For me, my parent's partners have never been step parents because I was well into my twenties before they met them. Therefore, it would seem strange that I call mum's partner his name but my kids call him grandad?

I just call them 'nanny's friend X'. Although they do live together now so I guess I will have to field those questions when they come!

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