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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my DM "no"?

63 replies

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 19:02

My mum is my best friend. I absolutely adore her - we've been through a lot together.
Ive recently found out that im pregnant (omg) and obviously told her. She told her partner - she's been with him for about 9 years now. I'm totally cool with her telling him as I do like him (for the most part) but she called me and asked me if its ok for him to be called "grandad"? I said it might get a bit confusing as our child (which is the size of a poppyseed right now!) would have 3 granddads... But obviously I wasn't going to decide immediately as we have loads of time to think about this.

I feel uncomfortable having him as "granddad" because he's been difficult wanting to move in with mum, isn't making any attempts to marry her (despite them being engaged for the most part of 8 years) and also bailed out on Christmas at mine and my husbands at the last second which understandably upset my mum.
He makes her laugh and she adores him, but she did get to a point where she thought she was going to have to break it all off because he just wasn't showing any signs of actually moving in. He's had a hard time with jobs - usually he gets passed over for a much younger candidate. He finally found his ideal job as a fish monger (he adores fish!) but then being in such a cold environment made his angina bad :(
When he and my mum got together, he made it clear to her that he didn't want to be a "stepdad" - which was fine by me as I didn't need a father figure at 20 and my dad was enough. As the years went on, he grew closer to myself and my brother and we supported him when his mother and father died.

I sort of feel that mum has put me in an awkward situation because I don't think my "stepdad" should have the title of "granddad"... But then again, why not? Does it really matter?

On the other hand, my dad's wife is ambivalent about what she's called and they have said "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it".

What have others done?

OP posts:

guiltynetter · 14/03/2015 19:50

this has happened to me! my advice would be - sort it now! my OH's mum has been with her partner around 2 years. when I was pregnant she text my OH asking if we would be calling her partner grandad. we felt the answer should be no - theyve not been together that long, she already would have 2 grandads, and he already has young grandchildren so it's not like he's missing out on anything. he's not very kids orientated anyway. my OH said he would approach the situation with his mum next time he saw her. well he never did and now my daughter is 9 months and when we go round his mum will say things like 'go to grandad name' and i think arghhh! frustrating :-/

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 19:53

I also want to know he's going to stick around... Is that fair :-/ ?

And yes, the point that he said he didn't want to be a stepfather to us keeps niggling away at me. I'll probably always refer to him as jim, or "mum's partner jim" as that's what I'm used to... So maybe it'll just become "Grannie and Jim"... My MIL an FIL sign cards from "Mum and Dad A" which is think is adorable, but they are the ILs...

Perpetual - I think you're perfectly within your rights to be apprehensive about your mums DP - as you say, it's such early days.

And I do agree that what's important is that my baby's life is filled with love regardless of the labels.
And yes, perhaps mum is wanting to keep her DP and make him more committed.., what was strange was that when she told me, she said he was "so excited for me" (as in her becoming a Grannie)... And yes it is exciting to become a grandparent and of course she can be excited and congratulated, but he didn't congratulate me... Or am I now being unreasonable

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 20:02

Gooo - I think my dad would be hurt tbh. I told mum I was pregnant and was hesitant about telling my dad. Then when mum told me she had told Jim and he wanted to be grandad, I felt quite upset and immediately called my dad to tell him the news too! Dad won't know that mum knew first though.

Sorry for a bit of x posting - im at work so halfway through posts and then have to run away!

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Holepunch · 14/03/2015 20:03

It sounds like it's your mum who wants him to be granddad, rather than him, just like she'd like him to move in, get married and maybe (?) have been stepdad. He's excited for her becoming a GM, but he's not excited about becoming a GP himself because that's not how he sees it.

I don't think it will be a problem because it will be confusing for Dc, lots of children have numerous GPs these days but if he doesn't behave as a GP, then he doesn't get the name IMO.

FuckItBucket · 14/03/2015 20:06

My son has 3 grandads just from me. Bio dad, adoptive and step

Bio dad isn't in picture. He knows my dad is his grandad and he calls my stepdad his own version of grandad

He got with my mum and not long after I was pregnant. He isn't my stepdad but he sure is my sons grandad

Springtulip · 14/03/2015 20:07

Personally I wouldnt, when my DM married again to Bob, that was what my kids called him. They had 2 grandads, who weren't really all that committed to them tbh. It was ironic really because Bob was the one who acted like a grandad rather than my own DF and FIl. But Bob was Bob and my kids thought the world of him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/03/2015 20:12

I wonder if your mum has suggested this as some sort of an 'anchor', to tie him to her family in the hope that he will actually make some sort of commitment to her?

It sounds like it's more her suggestion than his... if he even knows about it. Somebody who doesn't want to be a stepdad surely wouldn't be rushing up to be a granddad either.

Jessica147 · 14/03/2015 20:15

I had 6 granddads (DMs dad, DFs dad, DStepdad's dad, DStepmum's dad, Dstepmusms's stepdad, DFs granddad). I don't remember being confused by it. I do remember DMs dad saying "aren't you lucky to have so many granddads?" when I was about 5.

I would wait and see what happens, go with what he instigates.

natwebb79 · 14/03/2015 20:17

My DS' have 3 nannies (including my stepmum). They just call them 'Nanny (first name) and there's no confusion at all.

FishWithABicycle · 14/03/2015 20:19

It sounds to me that your mum is trying to use this happy event to make him feel more commitment to your family. It's not going to work, and could end up hurting your DC if someone they've grown up calling"grandpa" just isn't that interested in them.

You've got plenty of time. At some point over the next 8 months you just need to be alone with him, without your DM present, and just say to him something like "it's lovely seeing how excited mum is about becoming granny, but we don't want to go along with railroading you into something you aren't comfortable with so we won't force you into being called grandpa unless that's what you want - would you rather we brought this nibblet up calling you Jim?"

tilliebob · 14/03/2015 20:20

My kids have always had 3 grandads and 3 grans and it's never been an issue the lucky wee souls. In fact when my eldest dcs were born they also had 2gt Grans and 1gt Grandad too. I was never going to have step FIL as a grandad but that's how it worked out and he's just so delighted with them that it's lovely to see

florentina1 · 14/03/2015 20:20

I refused all my mums repeated efforts and hints to call her partner grandad. Everyone calls him by his first name. I was massively hurt by mums insistence. My dad died when my eldest was a baby and he will be the only grandad for my children.

Stick to your guns.

Totality22 · 14/03/2015 20:25

Are you reservations based on the fact you don't actually see him as a long term partner for your Mum? (based on what you say in the first post it sounds as though your Mum is ready to make that commitment and he isn't)

Quite frankly I'd not be introducing my kids to a bloke as "grandad" if he wasn't even living with my mum unless both parties were completely happy with the situation

alleypalley · 14/03/2015 20:25

*I think it's fantastic that he wants to be a grampa to your new baby.

In all honesty a baby cannot be surrounded by too much love or positive healthy relationships.*

Not always. My dsis's MIL wanted to be grandma to my dn. All well and good until her 'real' grandchild came along, then she lost interest in my dn and he had to deal with and process the rejection. (I appreciate this is not always the case).

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForThud · 14/03/2015 20:28

My kids had 3 grandmothers and were perfectly able to understand the situation.

OTOH, he does sound like he's got to prove his worth to you a bit before you'll find the idea a natural one. No need to rush these things, it'll develop in its own time.

rebelfor · 14/03/2015 20:37

I'd let your child establish a relationship with them and for them to decide what they call him.

My grandparents separated before I was born and both had new partners.

We were instructed, by my mum, to only address the partners by their first names. I loved my nan's partner, and he was to all intents and purposes my 'granddad' for almost 30 years, but I was never allowed to buy him a granddad card, or call him by that name.

It upsets me now to think I never told him I loved him, and he was like a beloved granddad, because it would have upset my mum for being disloyal to her real dad.

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 20:57

Rebel - that's very sad :(
I think I would like my child to feel like he/she could call mums partner what they want and it shouldn't be up to my mum.
Before this partner, mum had married a man who wasn't very nice but he was around for so much of my life and in a funny way (despite his abuse), I saw him as a better father figure than my actual father... I still think about my "ex-step dad" a lot and we are in very vague contact. But that's also another thread!

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ShanVanVocht · 14/03/2015 21:29

It's not odd to not want to be a step parent if the "child" is already an adult. IT's quite normal in fact. Especially if they have already had a step-father already.

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 21:41

Thing is - I don't mind him not wanting to act as a stepdad... I was 20 when he started dating my mum... Its more the fact he made a point in saying so which has put me off a bit.

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Vikkijayne2507 · 14/03/2015 21:48

My grandparents separated before I knew about it. I always called them grandad and pat. Nanny was seperate. I never thought if it as anything odd even tho I have another standard nanny and grandad. When my son was born a year ago they sent him Xmas gifts with great grandad and nanny on. I felt very strange. My nan died 12 years ago but I don't think I will call pat nanny for my son. But I'm not worrying about it my son will develop his own names and will be totally normal like it was 4 me

ShanVanVocht · 14/03/2015 21:50

You don't like him saying something you actually agree with? It sounds like you are determined to see the worst in him. This really isn't about what your kid calls him, is it?

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 22:35

My point is that he shouldn't have said it... It was unnecessary and quite hurtful at the time. Not because I wanted a step father but because it seemed like an unnecessary thing to say.

And yes. Yes it is about what my kids call him.

OP posts:

WineIsMyMainVice · 14/03/2015 22:46

I haven't had experience of this direct situation. But it must be hard.
My only suggestion is could you find some other childish / affectionate name for him? For instance my mums name is Nora but my dc call her Nor Nor. She loves it! I also know another grandad who calls himself Packa. Just silly names but unique all the same!

ShanVanVocht · 14/03/2015 22:52

How was he to know that you would find it hurtful and unneccessary? Some people would have found it reassuring they they knew it was inappropriate to try and parent a grown adult who already had had more than two.

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 14/03/2015 22:56

Yes, that's a fab idea... And it could be nice for him to come up with a comedy child-friendly name for himself.
I definitely think talking to him about it one on one is a good idea. I do think mum might be trying to push a commitment onto him which I don't think is a good idea. Ill talk to her in a few months about it. She did something similar on my wedding day... We had wine on the tables and only a very small amount behind the bar and mum told me to put a £20 tab for her partner behind the bar so that he can "have a beer and won't feel left out because he doesn't drink wine..." She told me this as I was getting ready... Thankfully my bridesmaids averted the issue and dealt with it whilst I counted to 10 lol!

OP posts:

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