To not really want to host this child again?

[vladthedisorganised]

I'm new to this playdate malarkey.

Brought one of DD's friends - or someone she's mentioned a few times anyway - home for a playdate after school yesterday.

DD and guest seemed to play together OK, but guest was Hard Work in the extreme. She moaned that we had to walk (2 minutes up the road) to the house instead of driving, was hardly in the door before yelling "I'm HUNGREEEEEE I'M HUNGREEE give me some FOOOOOOOD" then whinging that "You've got nothing NICE in your house" when I dared to make some toast to keep them going. She announced loudly that the meal I provided was "disgusting", mithered for sweets all the time and moaned all the way home that my car was 'not very nice' . Not a thank you, not a please, the whole time, and a fair amount of screaming.

Apparently she wants to come back next week - her mother is very keen to repeat the experience. AIBU to be less keen to host the little cherub? Even DD can usually manage a 'thank you'..

This is very similar to one of DS2 friends 10 years ago when he was 6. The lad criticisedEVERYTHING. He said our house was small and untidy, our garden was the smallest he had ever seen and how do we cope, he didn't like my food. DS2 told him to be quiet and that'my mummy made that for you!'
I was giving him a lift back home and he criticised our car. I just pulled up and told him I had a rotton day with him , he had been very rude and would he like if I told his mum about it. ( who incidentally is lovely!) He begged me not to and said he would never behave like that again. I didn't mention it as mum was so welcoming and the boys went off to play somewhere while we had a chat about other stuff.

Over the years he carried on coming to ours on and off but every time he was about to start moaning about something he would check himself or say 'oh, sorry flipchart! Obviously my words stuck with hm about what I find and don't find acceptable!

OP doesn't sound confident enough to be very firm with to all intents and purposes an unknown child. She shouldn't feel that she ought to host again in those circumstances.

southbucks77 Not in a confrontational way but you cannot wrap children in cotton wool and over analyse plain rudeness.
It’s not difficult to explain to your child how to behave when they are in someone elses home. People should take responsibility for their children actions! I was raised very well and my mum still knew i was capable of having my moments! After greeting me she always asked the parent :"How was she was she good?" It's good to give a shit and teach your kids the following in regards to going to other peoples houses:

Rule 1) Always say please and thank you
Rule 2 ) Every house is different, people have different rules, different sized houses, different religions different taste in food etc….respect everyone and if something is different embrace it and learn something. Say “I’ve never had this rice before because at home we eat it with spinach” or “Thank you miss abc for the toast but I don’t like bread”
Rule 3) Don’t complain, ask questions and say whats wrong nicely

AIBU?

I would slowly work your way through playdates with all the other children your dd plays with regularly then maybe try her again if she and your dd still play together. But be firmer. I think most people give visiting children more leeway with manners etc than they do their own but I still wouldn't allow a child to be downright rude to me without a reprimand.

Round here 'I don't think X really enjoyed themselves' is code for 'your child was a horror.' Equally though, children can act out of character. Ds2 was shockingly rude to a friend's dad the other day . Luckily, because he goes there regularly they know he's not usually like that and told me about it rather than just never inviting him back again.

Quite a few of dd's friends have been like this. Some still are at age 9/10. It gets easier as they get older as they just disappear up to the bedroom.

I think you have to set your stall out early with what's acceptable in your home with some of them. Tell them if they're being rude. I tend to do it in a jokey way - "did you really just say that?". They back track fairly quickly.

Part of it I think is just testing the boundaries and getting over excited. I have a really good friend and she and her dc often come round together. But when the dd is on her own she can be really rude, which she isn't when her mum is there. I just say to her "I don't need to tell you that you're being rude, do I" and she usually replies "no" and stops.

I got better with practice (after a few hair raising playdates). There are those who are well trained to say thank you for having me and use a knife and fork nicely but aren't terribly nice to dd - I'd rather have the ones who don't say please and thank you but are nice to play with myself.

Well I certainly wouldn't tell the mother about the child's behaviour. I'd leave it a few months and just be busy if a playdate crops up. DS had a schoolfriend who was a bit of a pain but we just put up with him. And he is now a very well mannered boy so kids can improve.

Age 4-5 I'd make some small allowances for a total lack of tact about the car, and general arsyness straight after school when the school lunch has run out.

In the rare event that sweets make an appearance in my house, no-one would think to criticize their cost
"These sweets are cheap" - have an apple instead dear and don't give the sweets back.
Moaning about walking - try distraction - walking without stepping on the cracks etc
Popcorn - helping to make it themselves usually takes the edge off.
As for the rest - I generally go for a pretty stern "we don't use disgusting about food" in a taking no prisoners teachers sort of voice. That and the death glare usually help.

You don't need to save for anything and it's entirely down to you as to the frequency if ever of the friend visiting. I wouldn't make it more than once a month to start with though.

And yes be very, very clear about 'in my house everyone says please and thank you, nobody calls ANYBODY stupid, and we all try to be kind to each other.'

I'd do one more visit in a couple of weeks and if it's generally whingy I'd just say that I don't think Miss X likes visiting us, she doesn't find much to her taste and leave it at that.

I would host another playdate, but would have a list of answers ready for this little girl - 'Well, it's these sweets or no sweets - it's up to you, but no complaining, whichever you choose', and if she went on being rude, I'd say, 'Since you are not enjoying being here, I will ring your mum to come and collect you, shall I?' - and follow through if she carries on.

That will give her the message that you won't put up with her being rude - and if you do have to get her mum to come and collect her, maybe that will give the mum the impetus she needs to crack down a bit on her dd.