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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really want to host this child again?

83 replies

vladthedisorganised · 14/03/2015 11:11

I'm new to this playdate malarkey.

Brought one of DD's friends - or someone she's mentioned a few times anyway - home for a playdate after school yesterday.

DD and guest seemed to play together OK, but guest was Hard Work in the extreme. She moaned that we had to walk (2 minutes up the road) to the house instead of driving, was hardly in the door before yelling "I'm HUNGREEEEEE I'M HUNGREEE give me some FOOOOOOOD" then whinging that "You've got nothing NICE in your house" when I dared to make some toast to keep them going. She announced loudly that the meal I provided was "disgusting", mithered for sweets all the time and moaned all the way home that my car was 'not very nice' Hmm. Not a thank you, not a please, the whole time, and a fair amount of screaming.

Apparently she wants to come back next week - her mother is very keen to repeat the experience. AIBU to be less keen to host the little cherub? Hmm Even DD can usually manage a 'thank you'..

OP posts:
PegLegAntoine · 14/03/2015 15:57

I'd be mortified if my DCs behaved like that, YANBU

MaryWestmacott · 14/03/2015 15:58

Also not a big fan of parents who don't offer to host playdates back and if the mother is so rude as to try to tell you you should host again the following week, without so much as an half-hearted attempt to arrange at playdate at hers, I guess you can see where the little girl gets her lack of manners and social graces from.

I'd arrange for someone else to come over next. Wait and see if an invite to go there arrives and if your DD enjoys it. I wouldn't rush to repeat. If the mum is so rude as to try to get you to invite her DD over again, I'd go with something like "I'm glad she enjoyed it. We've got such a long list of friends DD wants over to play, I feel like i'm always hosting these days!" and avoid being pushed into a date.

InQuiteAPickle · 14/03/2015 16:04

I've not let any children come to play with DD1 for a while now because IME they're all like this!

Strangely though, their parents fall over themselves to have DD back to theirs because apparently "she's such a polite little girl". No. She's not. She's normal but you could do to teach yours some basic manners!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/03/2015 16:47

It might not be the case that the child is desperate to come back, more that the Mum is desperate to palm her off Wink

And YY to the becoming a 'habit'. Don't go down that route.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 14/03/2015 20:24

Was going to post a thread like this myself, and after seeing responses still not sure what I'll do! The child was 7, hit me on the bottom as I ran up the stairs (WTF?), threw a cushion on the floor at my feet - not a big deal in itself but I'd just asked DS not to put cushions on the floor, announced that he could go wherever he wanted in the house after I asked them not to go in adult bedrooms, and kept throwing himself on the floor, shouting and flailing.
I feel bad because his mum is lovely and confided in me that school mentioned poss autism. However he doesn't act like this at home - my son and him have reciprocated a few times before.
It was the most stressful three hours ever and I was so glad when his mum turned up. But I said nothing... And after he'd gone my husband said the boy had hit him too!
Will give it one more chance and if necessary say to his mum 'X didn't seem very happy today' rather than 'he was very naughty'. I'm not good at being assertive with other people's children!

Hippee · 14/03/2015 20:31

rookiemere I have had exactly the same comments about my car from one of DS2's friends - again, I couldn't disagree Grin. Did leave a long time between invites to DS1's friend who threw soil at me - his mum told me he was having a "testosterone surge". He behaved much better on the second occasion.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/03/2015 20:36

Ifinished if the school are investigating autism ie they see red flags, it is understandable he is different at home. It will be challenging for him to be in a different house and he will probably be slightly immature for his age. The bed thing is probably sensory. My DD goes nuts for beds in any house she is in. please don't judge him.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/03/2015 20:39

Discuss it with his mum in a neutral way not in a way that describes him as naughty.

Always totally bemused why people can hear a child is likely to have a social communication disorder then make absolutely no allowances for this when judging their behaviour as naughty. I feel for his mum.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/03/2015 20:39

As for girl in OP, she's just young and may well be nicer in time. I'd give her a chance.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 14/03/2015 21:22

Fanjo, one teacher told his mum she thought he had autism, the other said she was sure he didn't. And I've been to his house several times - he doesn't act like that at home. But also I'm not judging his mum - just don't really know how to tell her that he hit us both?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/03/2015 21:25

Well I can see why they might think it since his behaviour IS unusual. I would have a friendly chat with his mum.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 14/03/2015 21:31

I just don't want to upset her after the teacher's comments... Which is why I think it will be easier to explain he didn't seem very happy rather than suggest that I thought he was being really naughty.
But I also didn't handle it very well, I could have been firmer and explained the boundaries better.

cerealqueen · 14/03/2015 21:40

Sounds like they played well together, which is what its all about.

I would expect your DD to be invited back first.

After that, you know what to expect, set some firm house rules, maybe she is rude but you can nip that in the bud, tell her how you expect her to behave and the see how you get on.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/03/2015 22:54

You sound nicer than many ifinished Thanks

Starlightbright1 · 14/03/2015 23:08

I also wondered if mum wanted another play date.

No to weekly play dates... You will soon find yourself not able to get out of having this child when you want to do something different.

I wouldn't particulary go and tell someone elses mum your child is a brat. I am yet to meet a mum who has said...Oh thank you for telling me.

Original poster
vladthedisorganised · 16/03/2015 11:22

Thanks all. They are only 4/5 so I'm not writing the girl off completely, but I'd like a bit of a break before I host again. She does seem to act exactly the same way with her mother - it did rub off on DD for a while which I didn't like one bit!

I had asked the girl's mother what she liked/disliked but obviously what I thought is acceptable doesn't equate to the girl's ideas - the sweets on the way back were 'the cheap ones and I don't eat the cheap ones', the fish and chips were 'disgusting' because they weren't from the chip shop, and the popcorn we made 'wasn't the proper Butterkist popcorn with caramel'). Oh dear. I am really terrible at being assertive with other people's children so I need to get much better at that.

I think I need to start saving up for the next playdate.. and be very, very clear about 'in my house everyone says please and thank you, nobody calls ANYBODY stupid, and we all try to be kind to each other.'

I really hope DD doesn't act that way, but I do always ask how she's behaved and at least make sure she's said 'thank you for having me' at the end of the visit.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 16/03/2015 11:42

I think you need to be a little firmer with her, as you said. If she starts complaining rudely simply say to her that if she wants to come again she needs to be a bit nicer and more polite. Repeat as necessary!

As for the possibly autistic child I would invite his mother over too, let her witness him? If she refuses be honest and say you struggled a bit with him.

LetsPutTheHeatingOn · 16/03/2015 11:56

vlad, you really don't have to go through this. Would it be possible to play in the park after school rather than haVE them back in the house?

Life is too short for this imo.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 12:07

Save up for the next playdate?

Please grow a backbone!

The fact this mum is 'very keen' to repeat this experience is very telling.

This will become habit unless you say 'NO' immediately.

'No, that doesn't work for us.' And that is really all you have to say. Over and over and over.

southbucks77 · 16/03/2015 12:10

A child is raised by the village not just the parent.

The girl might only have Butterkist at home, it might be her job in the supermarket to get it, which she does proudly and therefore can't understand why anyone else would have something different. She is in a strange place and voicing her "bemusement" at the things that are done differently. Unless she has spent a lot of time in other places then she won't know social etiquette yet. I would always tell a child in my house if they stepped over the rules, TBH they don't usually complain, they just need to know them. You can't expect a new child to know your rules until you've told them.

My DD's best friend (now 6) often comes to us for playdates/sleepovers - she hates the food (unless it's sweets), hates getting dirty/going outside, hates my DS (as he doesn't play by their rules), doesn't understand about how siblings play physically fight by jumping on top of each other. Nothing is ever quite right! However she is a lovely girl and my DD and her get on famously - it's just her way of trying to understand a new situation and we muddle through. And I know my DD leaves their house looking like a typhoon has gone through it. Blush It's not that she doesn't have to tidy at home it's just it's not her natural way of doing things.

LetsPutTheHeatingOn · 16/03/2015 12:17

We cannot in any way help to raise a child by having her over for tea occasionally.

I don't care if kids like different food, I understand and accommodate. But rudeness all the way through a visit that then rubs off on my child is not going to work for me because by the social rules I cannot tell off other people's kids and give them genuine consequences on a visit for tea!

rollonthesummer · 16/03/2015 12:22

I think I need to start saving up for the next playdate

What?! That's crazy!

Samcro · 16/03/2015 12:24

i wouldn't host again until yours has been to theirs.

honeyroar · 16/03/2015 12:25

I Disagree. Most children at most ages are quite intelligent enough to know who will be firm with them and who won't. They learn quite quickly that X won't let them speak to them that way. I was an au pair for quite a few families and have been a stepmum for years. I was always stricter than the parents (including my hubby!) yet still had a great loving relationship with the kids.

And no a few play dates won't teach them manners in general, but it will make them understand that if they aren't well mannered they won't be invited back. You have to let them work it out.. "If you want to come back here you have to say please" etc. if they refuse say "that's fine, but you won't be coming back.." Let them mull it over, they'll work it out..

candidkate · 16/03/2015 12:27

Obviously you have to say something but what if it was a one off? (Highly doubt it) No kid is an angel but this is bloody unacceptable and bad parenting.
I always use this approach but always on the day / in the moment

"Hi, I'm just giving you a call because your DC is being a bit difficult i think shes just tired.It’s just the usual stuff talking back….saying mean things…..refusing to eat…I'm sure this is a one off but i think you should pick them up" - The parent can do what they want after, but they are not coming back to my bloody house.

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