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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really want to host this child again?

83 replies

vladthedisorganised · 14/03/2015 11:11

I'm new to this playdate malarkey.

Brought one of DD's friends - or someone she's mentioned a few times anyway - home for a playdate after school yesterday.

DD and guest seemed to play together OK, but guest was Hard Work in the extreme. She moaned that we had to walk (2 minutes up the road) to the house instead of driving, was hardly in the door before yelling "I'm HUNGREEEEEE I'M HUNGREEE give me some FOOOOOOOD" then whinging that "You've got nothing NICE in your house" when I dared to make some toast to keep them going. She announced loudly that the meal I provided was "disgusting", mithered for sweets all the time and moaned all the way home that my car was 'not very nice' Hmm. Not a thank you, not a please, the whole time, and a fair amount of screaming.

Apparently she wants to come back next week - her mother is very keen to repeat the experience. AIBU to be less keen to host the little cherub? Hmm Even DD can usually manage a 'thank you'..

OP posts:
DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 12:05

Yanbu

The80sweregreat · 14/03/2015 12:07

Was her name Violet Elizabeth?

BitterChocolate · 14/03/2015 12:07

I would tell the other mum that you are surprised that her DD wants to come back as she seemed uncomfortable and unsettled when she was with you. If the mum asks in what way, then you could say that her discomfort was being expressed as whinging. Suggest leaving it at least another term.

I would be a bit worried that the other mum is wanting you to have her again so soon. I'm not saying that she definitely wants to take advantage of you for free childcare, but there's no harm in nipping play date requests in the bud unless they suit you, especially given the child is hard work.

TheRestofmylifeiswaiting · 14/03/2015 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonzoDooDah · 14/03/2015 12:17

TheRestofMyLife you said what I was trying to say but more eloquently :)

championnibbler · 14/03/2015 14:03

Hell to the no.
And I'd be setting the mother straight on the reasons why.

SaucyJack · 14/03/2015 14:07

She does sound rude- but toast on a play date?

I'd have at least stretched to a custard cream. It's supposed to be fun.

SaucyJack · 14/03/2015 14:08

Unless there was proper butter and Marmite on it, then in which case YWNBU.

Timetoask · 14/03/2015 14:09

Her behaviour is indication of what standards they have in her own home, I wouldn't invite her back and I wouldn't send my child to her house either.

drbonnieblossman · 14/03/2015 14:29

Play dates are sadly even amongst young school children, a bit of a competition. "I went to Tarquin's for tea and we had CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM AND JELLY BABIES after our dinner and his mum's really nice". It's all important for the host child to feel proud of their environment and "cool" mummy.

We all do things differently of course, but where usually we would have a "grown up" dinner, when there are children to play, it's pizza and garlic bread, fish and chips etc and a dessert. It's a treat for a special occasion.

It can be a shock to have a school friend over who to your thinking isn't as well mannered as your DC or who seems moany and ungrateful. In some cases they are just impolite and you grit your teeth and vow never again but sometimes they're just nervous, or feel they need to assert themselves because they're in someone else's environment, none of their own toys etc and of course their mum and/or dad isn't there.

i would say not to have a blanket ban on this child coming again. Leave it a while then ask again. Get them a bun or something treaty from the shops - it just sets a good tone. If she is rude, you must tell her "Fanny, that's a little rude. Id rather you didn't speak to anyone like that again, it's not very nice". She'll know where she stands pretty quick. She'll have had great fun and know the boundaries in your home.

I find calling children brats really nasty. Children have to be taught manners and courtesies. She may not have been taught and that's not her fault.

rollonthesummer · 14/03/2015 14:35

Has your child been there to play? Quite rude of the mum to assume you'll do it twice without her bothering at all.

I'd have got some biscuits in though!!

esiotrot2015 · 14/03/2015 14:37

Regardless of anything else where does The mum get off suggesting you have her child again ?!

They should wait to be invited !

DontDrinkandFacebook · 14/03/2015 14:41

I had a child home for tea once who was exactly like this. It was the first and last time he was invited.

My friend also had a similar experience with him and she never invited him again either.

MrsFlannel · 14/03/2015 14:43

This is why I think people start all this playdate crap too early. Some kids are just not ready (of course some just aren't brought up well either!) but my DC would never be that rude...not even in reception! Most wouldn't....this child is either spoiled rotten or too immature to have learned manners yet.

WyrdByrd · 14/03/2015 14:48

I wouldn't host another playdate two weeks running - too much danger of it becoming a habit, regardless of what the other child was like.

If she's a young reception child I'd probably cut her some slack - not wanting to walk home & being hungry after school is pretty par for the course, albeit it wasn't well expressed.

I would definitely mention, as a PP suggested, that you are surprised she wants to come again as she didn't seem to enjoy herself the first time, and see how the mum reacts.

drbonnieblossman · 14/03/2015 14:50

mrs flannel you're spot on.

Smooshface · 14/03/2015 15:13

Well, if they complained here I would be suggesting that I call their mum to come pick them up, if they hate it so much like. That usually gets them to decide that actually what I provide is just fine actually.

I sympathise, it's so hard to know how much to tell other people's children to stop being rude etc. But as first playdate, they don't know the lay of the land. Next time you know to say as you start 'we have x snack at home', they will be aware of the walk, and get a treat in to say 'if you don't nag i may let you have a special treat' (if you want to bother!)

Ask the mum what she does after school maybe, so you know what daughter's expectations are. I don't know how old we are talking? As you could mention the rudeness but honestly some kids are just a lot more straight talking. If they really want to be friends, they will continue and loads of playdates don't have to occur now, and rules can be set if they are going to happen. The kid will probably calm down, and if you want to continue as you are and not do any treats then they will just have to like it or lump it! Maybe insist on some manners, a classic 'what do you say?' next time, and if they can't muster appropriate responses then i say it is up to you whether to take more action! My dc is fairly polite generally, but is a bit forgetful to actually say thank you.

Now I'm worried that they will have mithered people into food as soon as through the door! they do eat a fair bit!

rookiemere · 14/03/2015 15:19

If the Mum asks ( which is v rude) I would say "Oh I'm surprised that x wants to come again. She didn't seem very keen on the games that were available and didn't like her dinner."

rookiemere · 14/03/2015 15:21

The most classic one I had was when I gave one of DS's classmates a lift to a party. He looked round the car age 6 and said in this snooty disgusted tone " Your car is very untidy and could do with a good clean out." What could I say, he had me bang to rights Blush.

butterfly2015 · 14/03/2015 15:25

I'd ask the mum what food the child likes as you want to make sure they will enjoy dinner. I think calling the child a brat is harsh. Did your child enjoy having the friend over?

My dd s friend is an extremely picky eater but I have a list of food she likes and make something off that list. I'm quite happy to have her for a whole weekend. If she says she's hungry she's pointed towards the fruit, same as dd.

My children's friends are treated the same as my kids. I tell them off, praise them, comfort them if they get hurt and its a very open house in terms of friends being here. I enjoy having them about, teens up blaring music, younger ones doing their own thing. So if they whine, I tell them not to. If they say they want sweets I say no and you'll have to ask mum when you get home unless they've had dinner and I've got some in.

As for only asking back if it's been reciprocated, I have had one of dds friends for three whole weekends and a couple more overnights plus days out and dinners. My dd has not been there except when I have. Her little brother is disabled and there are five kids in that family. I won't impose my child onto an already manic woman who has enough on her plate.

MrsFlannel · 14/03/2015 15:30

Butterfly it IS brattish to be as rude as the OP's guest was! Demanding food.....asking for sweets...critisising the contents of her larder! AWFUL behaviour.

Endler32 · 14/03/2015 15:38

I used to hate hosting play dates when dd was younger, so many rude children, dd was no angel either and was quite possessive over her things so there was often tears, several children asked to go home early, got told my food smelt horrible and have been told my car is untidy. Now dd is older (11) most of her friends are polite, I do try and cook something they like so they can't moan about the food and now they tend to just go upstairs to dd's room to play and pop down for a drink and food ( soooo much easier ).

ChampagneAndCrisps · 14/03/2015 15:48

I wouldn't rush to repeat because it is establishing a pattern.

Have some other friends round, and it might give you a better idea of normality. Play dates are not always an enjoyable experience - but it's good to get to know your child's friends and their parents. Can be invaluable if they have the same friends as teens.

I also wouldn't be too quick to judge the child's behaviour. Lots of kids behave less than perfectly when they're not with their parents. I've seen that some parents who are the most disciplinarian have kids who behave very badly when mum and dad aren't around.

You never know when your own child is going to behave badly - maybe just through the excitement of being somewhere without mum.

I've cautioned visiting kids before if I think they're crossing a line with their behaviour. They seem keen enough to come back.

TheFullGammon · 14/03/2015 15:50

I'm not wedded to tit for tat playdates but it's a bit early for her mum to be keen for a second go if she hasn't reciprocated. I'd expect at least a token "we must have your DD over" at this stage.

If she's YR or Y1, try it again in a year or two perhaps as she is still diddy. But absolutely no need to invite her again anytime soon! I wouldn't moan about her behaviour to her mum, and I do tend to more treaty snacks, and pizza / sausages kind of thing for tea when we have playdate guests.

butterfly2015 · 14/03/2015 15:56

It might be starting behaviour but no need for everyone to call her a brat. I've suggested ways op could deal with it by being firm with the child if her own child is really keen to have her back round. Let's not forget that the child is behaving as she's been brought up. And young kids coming out of school are hungry. Sounds like the kid was changing her arm asking for other food. Maybe there's a total sweet ban at home. Maybe that's what she's given all the time. Who knows? I certainly wouldn't write her off as a brat after one visit.