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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP or DH?

98 replies

Juniper44 · 13/03/2015 22:52

Do you interpret threads differently if someone says DP rather than DH?

Do you assume the relationship's not as serious if they're not married?

OP posts:

base9 · 14/03/2015 08:06

When you have made a serious and longterm commitment to each other.

antumbra · 14/03/2015 08:14

mary- there are other reasons too.

I don't value marriage as an institution. I don't see any legal benefits to it either for a moderately money savvie couple- could you please explain what those benefits are?

MaryWestmacott · 14/03/2015 08:14

Oh and to answer the OP! I give different advise if it's DP than DH, you have less rights and less responsibilities as a DP, so advise is obviously different. if someone says DP, I don't automatically assume dcs are the DPs, don't always assume houses and finances are equally owned/shared. "DP" can mean a variety of commitment levels.

And I'd always tell any woman who's only living with a high earning man rather than being married to him that she's a bloody fool to become a SAHM and/or support his career at the cost of her own/her own lifestyle.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/03/2015 08:43

What's that committment base? love? joint finances? living together? Kids?

The problem is that there are so many scenarios now with 2nd marriags. step kids, etc etc etc that it's hard to make a blanket judgement.

For example, I don't live with my long-tern BF / DP because we both co-parent our respective kids with our respective exes. We both live 5 minutes walk from those respetive exes and 20 miles from each other so moving in together would mean that one set (or both) of kids would lose their 50/50 co-parenting set up / have to move schools etc. So we keep it like this for now while the teenaged kids are at a vital stage of their education. We own property together, we holiday together, we sleep together 5 / 6 nights a week - is he my BF or DP? Are you judging us as "not havinga proper relationship"? (not that I give a fuck if you are!)

base9 · 14/03/2015 08:53

Antumbra - if you don't see the legal and financial benefits to longterm partners especially with dc, then possibly you have not had to think about it? Why do you think gay couples fought long and hard for the right to marry? It was not just a romantic whim! The benefits of marriage durinG incapacitating illness (for making decisions on your partner's behalf) and death are profound, for starters. You will spend a lot of money down a lawyer's office arranging the same benefits that can be had for the cost of a cheap registry wedding. If you do not want to marry that is sound but you should know about all the possible outcomes.

wowfudge · 14/03/2015 08:58

I find sykadelic's post pretty offensive. Why should someone take that step just so you don't judge them as less committed in some way? We don't need the words of a church service which were quoted to show our commitment to each other.

I find a lot of what marriage represents outdated, but if a couple wants to be married then that's their choice.

Also for a lot of people the cost of having a huge do puts them off. Yes, it is completely unnecessary to spend thousands wining and dining your extended families in order to get married, but it's the expectation for a lot of people. So some couples choose not to marry until they feel they can afford a wedding that lives up to their expectations.

base9 · 14/03/2015 09:01

Oh, and I am married and do not value it as an institution either. But I do value Indefinite Leave to Remain, and him being able to make decisions when I was in a coma (rather than my scatty mother as next of kin) and the knowledge that if he left me tomorrow then I have a right to his substantial pension benefits accrued during my sahm years (I now work Ft and we earn roughly the same, but there's a decade of money there that I would want, thank you very much).

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 14/03/2015 09:04

No. I don't. But I do think DP gets frequently misused when they are a casual boyfriend.

ShadowStone · 14/03/2015 09:13

I tend to view a relationship as less serious if they're unmarried. Particularly if you're comparing relationships of roughly equal lengths, i.e. DP of 3 yrs vs DH of 3 yrs.

If a couple has got married, then they've made a public commitment to each other, and they are legally tied together in a way that an unmarried couple isn't, which will have legal and financial implications in certain circumstances (like relationship break ups, or one partner dying without a will).

However, I don't automatically view an unmarried couple as being less emotionally committed to each other than a married couple. If an unmarried couple have been together for a significant length of time, then I would assume that they're clearly emotionally committed to each other, and most probably more so than a couple who've got married a few months ago after a quick relationship.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/03/2015 09:36

Gosh some people's world views are very narrow aren't they?

Handsoff7 · 14/03/2015 09:36

Yes and yes.

You don't get the full picture from any post. On average, a married couple is more committed than an unmarried one. The detail of a post can (but doesn't always) reveal whether DP is very long-standing and that this is a relationship much like a marriage (but lacking the legal protection).

If no detail is provided, you have to go on averages.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 14/03/2015 15:12

I'm a bit baffled by the 'having your DP legally recognised' by getting married.

Could I not just have him microchipped?

WestEast · 14/03/2015 15:58

I used DP with my (now separated from) female civil partner, so in some circumstances people have taken the legal step to bind themselves together and the term 'partner' is the correct legal one. Not everyone is straight.

Pilgrimforever · 14/03/2015 19:59

It's nice to know that the 7 months that DH and I have been married mean, to some people, that we are more committed to each other than the previous 20 years we lived together, had 5 children together and bought 3 houses together.
Funnily enough we don't feel more committed to each other.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 14/03/2015 20:06

No, but I do feel a little when a boyfriend/girlfriend of 3 months is referred as a 'partner.'

TheCrowFromBelow · 14/03/2015 20:22

You can nominate anyone asyour next of kin, as long as they agree, doesn't have to be a blood relative or husband/wife. I think.

Original poster

Juniper44 · 14/03/2015 20:30

Dp and I are named as each other's death-in-service beneficiary. We also have life insurance that would cover the other if one of us died.

The only thing we lack (apart from a commitment to each other, apparently) is the next of kin thing, but then I trust my mum to go with my wishes.

I object to the basic principle of marriage as, historically, it signifies you as a possession to pass from father to husband. I don't want to belong to anybody.

If people stay in unhappy relationships purey because it's hard to leave a marriage, then what sort of life is that? If DP and I break up, it'd hardly be a simple situation. All of our money is joint, our mortgage is joint and our child is joint.

OP posts:

IAmAllImportant · 14/03/2015 21:11

I walked away from a 5 year marriage with hardly a backward glance.

I have been with DP for over 10 years and we have two DC together.

I could not walk away from the man I have not married as easily as the one I did!

OTheHugeManatee · 14/03/2015 21:26

Unmarried couples are, statistically speaking, more likely to separate than married ones (even when there are DC involved) so actually the numbers do support a presumption that DH implies more commitment than DP unless you're Katie Price.

FuzzyWizard · 14/03/2015 21:40

You can actually name whoever you like as your medical NOK. My aunt had my mum as hers despite having a husband and parent still living. Her husband is severely disabled and she knew my mum was more clear-headed than my nan in a crisis. I was asked at A&E once who i wanted as next of kin and asked for DP to be listed.

icedgem30 · 14/03/2015 22:32

How long do you need to be in a relationship before it is classed as serious or long term?

Do people actually use partner as a term for someone they've been with five minutes?

And no I wouldn't judge at all. I have no plans to get married in the near future, doesn't mean I'm not committed to my relationship though.

MythicalKings · 15/03/2015 07:42

I wish there was a new word for "partner I live with".

When DS was at nursery I bumped into another mum in town. She was with a woman who she introduced as her partner X.

A couple of months later at a nursery function she introduced me to her DH. The partner was a business partner.

That's happened a few times. We need a new word.

thatsucks · 15/03/2015 08:20

We had our dc before marriage. Never interested in getting married BUT was a bit odd calling him 'my boyfriend' (can't STAND the word partner) when you've lived together for years and have kids.

Am more comfortable now saying 'my husband' now we are married.

But it's ridiculous really - I'm not religious, I have and had no moral feelings about having dc 'out of wedlock'.

As for AIBU question, no not really.

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