DP or DH?

[Juniper44]

Do you interpret threads differently if someone says DP rather than DH?

Do you assume the relationship's not as serious if they're not married?

I assume DP to mean someone who lives with the person, and for them to use boyfriend/girlfriend if they live apart. If DP is used meaning that they live together I don't see the relationship as being any less serious than if DH was used. Myself and my "DP" have been together for 7 years, lived together for 5 of those years and are completely inseparable but we just haven't been able to afford to get married yet (but are doing so next year). So our relationship is no less serious just because we aren't married yet but I would (rightly or wrongly) assume someone who doesn't live with their "DP" doesn't have that same level of seriousness yet.

Thanks, PomBear. And thanks for being so reasonable in your response. Long live PARD!! I love being able to have a discussion without it turning into a slanging match!

I'm 100% not a romantic type. DP and I are getting married because we want to be able to make certain decisions for each other. I know for example, that I want to donate my organs, or my entire body to my closest University that teaches Medicine, depending on how I die. My Mum would not allow this, and she's currently my NOK. DP understands my wishes and will fight for them, if need be. And vice versa. I know that if DP if for whatever reason, ends up in a vegetative state, he'd want me to end life support. And vice versa. He had a conversation about this with a recently married colleague recently, and she was horrified at how unromantic it all was. It just makes sense to us.

Silly thing is, I get all misty eyed when planning readings and music for our wedding. I'll most likely end up bawling my eyes out walking up the aisle.

I still think though, that a couple can be just as committed without being married.

Yes, if there are legal ramifications to it.

Yes, if DP means 'bloke I've been snogging for 5 minutes.

No, if it is about an actual partner. I would assume living together, some element of shared decisions/money/family.

I'm on my second DH so I can hardly judge if someone's saying 'partner' because my first DH wasn't one.

Yes. Probably because many people use "partner" when it's actually just boyfriend/girlfriend, like they're trying to inject some seriousness when there really isn't any.

A girl I know says that marriage is just a piece of paper to her. She says the man she had a baby with, and bought a house with, was her husband and she calls him her "ex-husband". I 100% disagree with her calling him her ex-husband because, simply, he was not and their relationship wasn't that serious (as evidenced by how quickly each moved on).

Honestly... anyone can buy a house with someone. Anyone can have a kid with whoever they want (and sometimes don't want). Choosing to continue to stay together is great and all, but that choice means you're not tied legally, you're not at the same risk (half of assets, inheritance etc etc), you also don't have the same rights (next of kin for example).

To those that say they just "didn't feel the need" to get married... so why don't you just go do it? Just go sign that piece of paper and make your relationship legal. There's got to be a reason you don't want to do it. If it really doesn't alter your relationship at all, doesn't mean anything (when you know really, it does legally) then go and do it. I can't help but feel like your failure to take "that step" is because you realise that there is a certain "next level" to a married relationship and you just don't want to go there.

So yes. I do assume the relationship isn't as serious because I believe if they truly wanted to be together, "let no man tear asunder" and all that jazz... they'd take that legal step, that final step, to bind themselves to the person they love.

FWIW it doesn't mean all marriages are great (or that all non-marriages aren't serious), but most people assume that if you went to the effort of getting married, you'll probably try harder to stay together because you've got more to lose, hence the difference in answers if you're "just" partners.

Not usually. In the odd circumstance it might be a valid consideration.

But on the whole, no.

TBH I always assume that if someone says DP then the relationship is fairly long term and committed and I do at folks who say DP about a boyfriend they've been seeing for a matter of months.

But DP to me signifies a deeply committed relationship in which a cohabiting couple have just chosen not to marry (yet it never, none of my business)....and this is coming from someone who married within a year of going out with my DH

Actually I think I must be in the vast minority - because my friends who refer to someone as their partner have Definately crossed over into firmer and more committed territory than that of a boy/girlfriend, I don't know anyone in RL who would refer to a recent date as a partner

"There's got to be a reason you don't want to do it."

Why?

Why does there have to be a reason you don't do something? Doing something requires a reason, not doing something doesn't, surely?

To do something that requires making an effort - and even the most basic marriage ceremony means going out of your way, so that requires a decision and action...so there's a reason. Not doing something is just not doing anything, so no reason needed.

No.

A 10 year relationship is a ten year relationship whether those people are married or not. I pity people who think a relationship can only be validated with a certificate and a ring. Screams of insecurity in their own coupling.

Yes. I would consider DH to indicate a more serious relationship. However, I wouldn't ever consider it to indicate a BETTER relationship than a DP.

I know people who got divorced after 18 months and people who have been happily together and unmarried for 12 years. The latter is obviously a much better relationship, but even though the former was a shitty one, it still had much more serious consequences when they decided to split. So in that respect marriage is always more serious - you can't just wake up one day and go "meh...over it see ya!!" and walk out the door. There are much more ramifications when splitting, and frankly, there are more rights for the people involved.

but again, more serious is not an indication of "much better" or "much happier".

Yes, I interpret it differently because it is different and the difference could be crucial. If a sahm with 3 young children is asking about her dp of 16 years cheating on her, then yes I am immediately more worried about her financial security. That may not be an issue for her but I would want to know if her name is on any mortgage they may have etc. Also as many have said dp is often used on here for boyfriend. In rl this usually is not a problem as you know the background. On here you do not know sometimes.

DP/DH no difference unless you aren't living together. I agree that he isn't a DP if you're just dating, for the purpose of discussion here.

Yes

In a LTB type thread, there are practical legal and financial differences between a DP and DH.

A DH should hopefully imply that you've made a lasting commitment to stay together. DP can be more ambiguous, most have an equal level in terms of children and housing, but the description often gets misused to include casual cocklodgers and random new boyfriends. (Although some DHs will turn out to be little better)

I am married but rarely use 'husband' either in RL or on here. He was my partner for so many years, and I think of the relationship as a partnership, & don't really like the word husband, so it's always partner. Bit to think I might be judged here.

I'm not married to my DP but we have a mortgage together, a 15 month old and another on the way.

It's some responses on this thread that make me feel genuinely self conscious when I introduce him as my partner rather than husband.

In reality I'm not THAT bothered about marriage, I see it as an extra expense (well, a 'wedding' in particular) that currently we can't afford. It's something we've discussed and will do if we come into a few hundred spare.

It makes me sad that people would be so judgemental over something that really proves nothing in regards to the strength of a relationship.

I do see them differently because if someone refers to a DH you know that at some point they have decided they want to make a long term commitment to each other. As others have said it doesn't mean its a good relationship.

A DP can mean anything from a couple who are just trying out living together, to a fully committed couple of 20 years with a shared home and children. The term just doesn't give as much information.

I see them differently because it's easy to tell that a couple have made a commitment if they've married, but you don't have that same knowledge when people say DP. They might have the same level of commitment, but at the same time they might not.

It's impossible to tell the level of someone's relationship over an Internet post that doesn't tell you.

So when dp and I delayed getting married when his dad was diagnosed with leukemia because we wanted him to be able to attend and we all had a lot more on our minds than table plans and colour schemes our relationship became less serious than if i had stamped my feet and demanded we continue? When it became clear that he wasn't going to get better we offered to have a last minute wedding because we knew he wanted to be there but we decided it was best not to as it would put more pressure on him but our relationship would have been more serious if we had gone ahead? Is our relationship still not as important because loosing his father is still too raw for my dp that having a wedding would be far to painful at the moment but by me putting him first aparantly that makes our relationship less serious than if I demanded we got married?

I agree that on certain posts that whether it is a dp or dh can be very relevant for legal and financial issues but it is ridiculous to assume that the relationship must be less serious.

I call my OH my husband qhwn I speak to others, even though we are not married. It is for convenience ar "partner" is a very wooly term- sould be my business partner, my boyfriend of 4 months.
"partner" also makes me think of the Joy of Sex book I read as a teenager- it strives so hard to be a pc term but just sounds to "right on". So I stick with husband ) and he calls me his wife.

We have no intention of deceit, it's just a more descriptive term for our relationship. Most people assume we are married anyway- we have been living together for 20 years.

DP and I have two kids and have been together almost a decade. We have no intention to ever marry.

I think you can tell from most threads how 'serious' the DP is quite early on but I agree its a little strange to see the term DP used to describe a new boyfriend. To me DP (or OH which is the term I use) describes a long term partner you cohabit with and / or have kids with.

I sometimes refer to DH as my partner (here and in RL) because that's what he is, my life partner.

I wouldn't use boyfriend / girlfriend to describe an adult's relationship because it sounds slightly childish.

No, no I don't. I'd only ask if someone was married if it had a legal implication eg in divorce

I notice miikebaking hasn't been back!

When is it OK to swap from BF to DP then?

I think VinoTime accidentally put the reason lots of people take "unmarried co-habiting" couples less seriously - that while they might be spending decades with the same person, they are still keeping options open and are open to the idea this isn't forever.

The "don't believe in marriage" thing can be split into two main groups - the "we don't need a bit of paper to prove our life long commitment to each other" type - and the "don't believe it's possible to spend the rest of your life with just one person and as I expect to leave at some point when a better offer comes along, want it to be as easy as possible to leave" type. Many of the first type get assumed to be the second when they still "don't see the point" when the legal benefits to themselves and their partner are explained.

(There's also the 3rd kind who are the "terrified of making a big grown up decision" - same mentality of not making a will because don't want to face the fact they will die one day, nothing to do with their relationship, but really to do with their own nervousness about being "grown up"- kind of understandable at 25, not so at 35, by 45 seems a bit twattish)