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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP or DH?

98 replies

Juniper44 · 13/03/2015 22:52

Do you interpret threads differently if someone says DP rather than DH?

Do you assume the relationship's not as serious if they're not married?

OP posts:

ilikebaking · 13/03/2015 23:41

Yep. Not married then I discount it. If that offends you, sorry.

GraysAnalogy · 13/03/2015 23:42

A lot of people do and it annoys me. Like being married turns your relationship into something transcendental . If I got married to my partner of 5 years (I think it's that long I don't even count) it wouldn't make any difference so why would people treat us any differently.

FakaP · 13/03/2015 23:42

casper I could have written your post, except for the children... We are just not that fussed on marriage. Been together 14 yrs, lived together 12 with a mortgage. I am sure that my married friends who have been together less that a year are seen to be more 'together' than us...

GraysAnalogy · 13/03/2015 23:43

Yep. Not married then I discount it. If that offends you, sorry

So up until that day you had that ceremony you think the relationship was worthy of discount?

So today my relationship with my partner is nothing, but if tomorrow I got married it magically is worthy?

OddBodkins · 13/03/2015 23:46

Discounting a relationship unless people are married? Why? I have loads of friends that have been together for years and have children and choose not to marry.

OddBodkins · 13/03/2015 23:47

I also know tons of married people who have divorced.

GraysAnalogy · 13/03/2015 23:54

I know people who are on their fourth marriage, yet theirs are much more important and serious than ours

VinoTime · 13/03/2015 23:58

I don't believe in marriage. I think it's a totally unrealistic concept. People change so much over time and many naturally grow apart. I simply could not imagine ever wanting to be tied to one person forever. It would bore me to tears

I don't interpret threads any differently at all based on marital status. What a silly thing to do. It's not for anybody to dismiss another person's relationship just for its lack of 'official' paper.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 13/03/2015 23:58

I was married. For two years to an abusive ratbag.

Now have a naice DP of 11 years who really loves me.

Guess which one I discount as 'not a proper relationship..?'

maddening · 13/03/2015 23:59

So my relationship of 11 years, having owned a home together for 8 with a 4 year old son is not as serious as someone who meets and marries a person a year later and married for a further year ? Riiiiiiighhhht

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 13/03/2015 23:59

And it is just green paper with some squiggles.

Like a Mint Aero wrapper...

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 14/03/2015 00:04

Okay, you know, I was intent on being nice and polite and not confrontational on this thread, but now I'm pissed off. ilikebaking, DP and I aren't married so you discount our relationship? So when DP suffered a serious head injury and I say by his bedside for days, that wasn't in a real relationship? When I supported him Mum through the darkest days of her depression, when,she was suicidal, that didn't count? When DP sponged water on to the lips of my dying Grandad because he wasn't allowed drink water, DP wasn't displaying enough commitment to me? When we helped each other through 5 miscarriages, we were just what, dating frivolously?

How fucking offensive.

Tapwater · 14/03/2015 00:08

Some people get unbelievably offended that neither DH nor I actually know when our wedding anniversary is, and that we did it in jeans with two witnesses on our lunch breaks, and that neither of us thinks it was an important thing to do (there was a legal reason at the time, which was the sole reason we married).

I can't even remember the colour of the paper, though the registrar had a lovely fountain own - I was mostly hoping she would hurry so I would be able to get a seat after lunch in the library reading room where I was doing research at the time....

itsbetterthanabox · 14/03/2015 00:08

No it doesn't affect it at all to me. Loads of people get married quickly or post when they haven't been married long. It doesn't make it more serious.
My 9 year long cohabiting relationship is more serious than my friends marriage where they married 1 year after meeting each other.

mamaespanola72 · 14/03/2015 00:13

What does dp stand for?

RandomNPC · 14/03/2015 00:16

Dear partner

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 14/03/2015 00:18

No. I treat it differently depending on the circumstances/backstory though. If someone says 'my DP of 6 months' then I take it less seriously and advice would differ. If it was a longstanding, actual DP then I would view it the same as being married (although practical advice may change due to legalities etc)

TheDetective · 14/03/2015 00:31

I'll never marry (again).

I was with my DH 5 years to the day I married him. I found out on my wedding day he was a cheating, lying cunt. Marriage over.

I'm pretty traumatised from marriage I'd say.

Add to that the fact that I own my own house and have children, I'd be a twat to ever marry again.

Just. Won't. Do. It.

And I don't care what anyone else thinks. If I go on to another relationship, I know it will be serious enough for me. If they want marriage, they will have to find someone else. Luckily most men aren't so desperate to be married. For some reason... :)

I like the idea of being married, and do feel it's a huge commitment. But children are a bigger commitment to me.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/03/2015 00:31

No.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2015 00:50

Depends.

GraysAnalogy · 14/03/2015 00:59

According to people on here, when these two get married their relationship will be more valid than us with 'just' DP's

metro.co.uk/2015/03/13/students-fall-in-love-in-freshers-week-and-get-engaged-just-three-months-after-meeting-5102400/?ito=facebook

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 14/03/2015 01:01

no my input does not require a marriage certificate

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/03/2015 01:28

Yes. If they use "DP" then they haven't bothered getting married for whatever reason. If they use "DH" they have.
I do think of the two relationships differently, if only because it is harder costlier to walk away from a marriage than a not legally binding partnership.
I am of course an out of touch old gimmer, but that's how I feel.
Feel free to nuke me

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 14/03/2015 01:41

PomBear, I absolutely won't nuke you, we all have our opinions. However, please see my post upthread about what DP and I have supported each other through. For years, marriage didn't enter our heads. It's not that we weren't bothered about our relationship, we were just happy as we were. Then DP nearly died, and we realised that we wanted to be the ones to make end of life decisions for each other, legally. So we're getting married. Just please don't assume they we weren't married because we weren't bothered about our relationship.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/03/2015 02:01

I just read what I typed and see what you mean Shadows and how it could sound.
I shall rephrase - not that you (generic you, not YOU you iyswim) aren't bothered about your relationship, but that you weren't bothered about the actual marriage itself. You were secure in your relationship with each other and that level of love and trust is wonderful!
I'm not even sure I quite have a leg to stand on so to speak because I have been divorced twice, so am living proof that the actual marriage is SO not the be all and end all, but I am also old fashioned/sadly romantic and like the thought of the Happy Ever After bit of it (as whoever it was once said, remarriage is the triumph of optimism over experience )
Some people get all worked up about the actual Marriage with a Capital M bit, and some people think of it as "just a piece of paper".
As you have said though, there are situations where it legally does make a massive difference, especially when something unexpected crops up

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