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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For those that had a difficult/miserable childhood/teen years

121 replies

hopingforamiracle · 13/03/2015 08:18

How did you get over it?

OP posts:
JoffreyBaratheon · 13/03/2015 23:12

My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly when I was ten. My dad remarried with obscene haste (or so it felt, to us), a woman who had been his childhood sweetheart, who had 4 kids, was widowed and had written a speculative letter to the last address she had for him. A couple of months before mum died, my grandad died and clearing out his house, my mum had found this "Are you single?" begging letter and instead of burning it, or binning it, unaccountably put it in her handbag. After she died, dad took it as A Sign.

Turned out my stepmother was mentally ill although we didn't think of it in those terms, in those days but her daughters and I, meeting and talking as adults, agreed that she was. They were fed and if hungry - they had insurance money from their dad's dying. So went out and bought what they feeded - food and clothes-wise. I had nothing. Aged 19, an average height, I weight 6 1/2 stone. My stepmother cooked one meal for us and another for dad. When we told him, he refused to believe us. My brother left home because he couldn't stand my stepmother and he had bought me food, and looked after me as much as he could. So then I was alone.

We were from totally different backgrounds - socially, culturally - everything. A house ful of little girls grieving for dead parents under the control of a terrifying, mentally ill woman. The stepsisters loathed me and I loathed them (as adults we became friends).

My stepmother realised that she'd have to discredit me before I told my dad what was going on, so she had me sent to a child psychiatrist. And then went on and on about me being mad. Her phrase was "nutty-looney". I was just a sad, grieving little kid. I was a tomboy and her girls were girly. I had tried to fit in with them and her but just before they married, the stepsister my age told me, when the adults weren't around, that her mum had told her I would be a 'bad influence' and to keep her distance. I was so upset I ran off and that was the start of me being branded nuts.

I had a brilliant teacher who got me out of assemblies and would sit and talk with me. Friends' mums also rallied round, feeding me, etc. I loved my dad very much but his wife was his blind spot - he refused to believe anything anyone said about her. My aunty wanted to take me, but she didn't know how to approach it - I found out years later. And I started being bullied at school because I had greasy hair and was dirty (stepmother would only let us bath once a week and would measure the depth of the water). I was given what I was told was my Child's Allowance for all my clothes and shoes - but I later found out she kept most of it as I was only given a quid a week. That was for everything I wore and all my shoes for 7 years.

My dad wasn't allowed to sub me money as "it isn't fair on the girls". But The Girls had thousands in the bank. Then she hit on the idea of sabotaging me at school by starting rows when I had exams. The GP called the social workers in but they wrote her to say they were coming. The house - was filthy but she spent a week tidying and polishign and when they walked in, there were cakes in the oven and a gleaming palace. I was made out to be a liar.

I have had whole periods of my adult life where I thought I had put it behind me. And whole periods when it has resurfaced. I was wildly insecure as a young woman - had loads of male attention but thought I was ugly and too thin and looked like a boy and all that stuff my stepmother used to say. I think it was at the root of a lot of my problems, even to this day.

In those days blended families were freakishy rare. Now they are the norm. I was mercilessly bullied at school because of how I looked (basically for being poor - which was stupid as my dad had a good job, a huge house, some land...) and because my stepmother did stuff like send me to school with filthy Pyrex dishes for cookery. By the time I was 16 she made me do all my own laundry because she said I would whine if she shrank something. But she wouldn't let me use the washing machine. So I did 4 A Levels whilst doing all my own laundry by hand, making most of my meals, and coping with my dad and brother's fractured relationship and my stepsisters loathing me and my stepmother's constant neglect/abuse.

I never told my kids til they were teenagers. Sometimes when my brother or his in laws - who knew me at that time - talk about me in my raggy clothes, and some of the things they witnessed, my kids can't really take it in as I have always come across to them as a force of nature. I took what happened and decided to work my way to university and never go back. So even at the time I turned it into something positive. But it damaged me in ways I still find difficult to understand. Having a step parent was even worse than losing a parent. But I guess not every widowed/separated parent marries someone with 'issues'.

manicinsomniac · 13/03/2015 23:39

By growing up and getting over myself. Realising that I was not a unique and special snowflake who defined by angst and issues but just a normal member of society.

Also, accidentally becoming a mother made me realise that I had to take some responsibility for my own life.

Years of psychiatric treatment did absolutely nothing until I made the decision to help myself.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 14/03/2015 00:19

I just grew up and thankfully morphed from being as ugly as sin, appaulingly shy teenager Into a can I say a beautiful confident women.

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 14/03/2015 04:29

A fuck tonne of ecstasy and dancing in fields/clubs/squats from the late eighties onwards was probably the start of it.

Plus a serious yoga habit, completing a degree, foreign travel, a career that was successful for a while, some counselling, a little help from my friends and the love of a good man continued the good work at times.

Fadingmemory · 14/03/2015 05:19

After many years I came to realise that my parents did their best, even if as a child I felt unloved and like an object.

Their harshness went in tandem with their religious faith which I rejected. They preached the god of love who 'makes us all tick' (whatever that means) but I felt unloved.

I found being a parent robbed me of my physical and mental health for years. I was entirely unprepared for the exhaustion, sense of complete loss of self and for the complete lack of interest shown by my then H.

My youngest is now 20, I have apologised for everything I can think of that I have done wrong and we are close. Clearly there was a great deal of wrong because I am NC with my other children. My parents are now both dead and my anger and puzzlement at them abated years ago. My life pans out according to what I do now, not because of what my parents did or didn't do many years ago. I have to accept that at times I have not been a good mother. I cannot blame my parents for that.

If I had my time over again I would not marry, nor have LTRs or have children but, given what is, every day I try my best to make sure DD feels loved and supported, be that praising her, giving an opinion she may not like or saying, 'No!'

Coffeewalnut · 14/03/2015 05:32

It's been helpful to read these. Flowers to you all.
I've not yet gotten past the past.
I also found that having my DC has made me look at my parents' behaviour with new eyes. I can't make the excuses that I used to tell myself for my parents behaviour any more. As a PP has said, I think some people are just completely incapable of meeting (or even recognising) a child's needs.

Not yet at a stage where I can do the work to move on for my own sake, partly because of the non existent self esteem I have. Like a PP said, I think I am trying to be the good parent I didn't get.

I feel that I need to do therapy but with small kids lack of finances and finding the time is close to impossible. MN has been incredibly helpful over the years to help me know I'm not wierd or at fault. I have finally accepted that I had a shit time growing up and it has affected me. It's the question of how to move on and stop it holding me back that is hard for me.
Oh and Mothers Day can be painful too so good luck if you are in the UK and finding it tough.

woffington · 14/03/2015 06:05

Mum tells me I was happy. All i remember was being isolated, not allowed out, made to look like a boy and being sent to relatives who told me I was going to burn in hell.

I don't remember the happy bits. That makes me sad.

It was a revelation when one of my friends told me she never feels depressed. My past hangs over me.

I try very hard to be happy but my past is insiduoius and comes out as anger or wanting to be alone.

TinyTearsFirstLove · 14/03/2015 06:57

By talking about it with my siblings and nice parent.
By sticking a metaphorical finger up at my mother every time I show my kids how much I love them by listening to them, giving them choice (letting the choose what they want to wear, they a re KS1, whereas my mother still chose what clothes I should wear when I was 14), allowing them age appropriate independence, reading to them, playing with them, not terrifying them, not emotionally blackmailing them, giving them confidence in themselves etc I think 'see what a good Mum I am, despite you'.

EndOfTheRainbowInSight · 15/03/2015 12:19

Flowers dear god hopingforamiracle

First thing is you have to get out of there, away from that toxic family. Get out and have as little as possible to do with them. Personally once I'd got a new address I'd just leave in themiddle of the night, leave a note so they don't call the police and give them no contact details.

I'm not that familiar with benefits any more (if you haven't got work), but get over to the CAB and find out what you're entitled to.

It will be a hard slog, but at least you know the fault is with them. Now get away from them. If you don't like being alone get a cat, but really you are much better alone than with them. When looking for a new home you could try looking for a room ina shared house perhaps?

And do stay in touch on here. Try www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2262683-But-we-took-you-to-stately-homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

EndOfTheRainbowInSight · 15/03/2015 12:43

You could also contact the Samaritans. Right now.

EndOfTheRainbowInSight · 17/03/2015 17:45

How's it going there, hoping?

popalot · 17/03/2015 17:59

Firstly, I realised it made me the person I am and that is a good thing in the main, apart from the anxiety.

Then I thought about why it happened and accepted that the people who caused it themselves had a bad time in childhood.

Then I realised I wasn't a depressive and that actuallly I was anxious and living on high alert still, a long time since the last abusive situation occurred.

Recently, I have sought counselling imagining to be turned away but actually have been told what happened to me was pretty bad and I am working through it all with a professional.

So it's still a journey, but my dd is totally loved and protected and so the cycle will end with her. Of that, I am confident. And that (apart from learning how not to be so highly strung) is the most important thing for me.

popalot · 17/03/2015 18:01

Oh yes, missed an important part. I got away from all the people who were controlling me and started again by myself and proved to myself I was worthwhile and in the main fine, because it wasn't actually me causing the problems.

tormentil · 17/03/2015 18:19

The legacy for me is social isolation - I'm always on the edge of things/groups and I don't know how to change that. So I feel quite lonely and unfulfilled.

My DC are grown - all well balanced and well liked. They see my social isolation as being a choice I have made. They have no idea how much I cry about it.

Libitina · 17/03/2015 18:22

I got over it by cutting contact and not thinking about it. I'm just pleased that I haven't turned out like my Mother

Stratter5 · 17/03/2015 18:28

Counselling for me too

Bringing my daughter up in a totally different way to be a confident person who knows that she is loved unconditionally. This, exactly this; I've done my utmost, with the help of wonderful XPILs, and a good XH, to make sure the DDs have had the best upbringing I can manage. I don't mean spoilt, they have simply grown up in a house full of love and laughter.

I also ditched my family, and went totally NC. I just wish I had done that decades ago, instead of clinging to the vain hope that we'd all be playing Happy Families together. It was never going to happen, and it took a lot of therapy and some very frank talking from the DDs to make me realise.

For me too, the legacy is isolation. Self induced isolation, I simply don't trust people, or like them very much.

LithaR · 17/03/2015 18:35

I don't think I will ever get over it, but the pain lessens the more I make happy memories with my ds

hopingforamiracle · 17/03/2015 18:50

Endoftherainbow Just waiting to hear back from the HA about my application. Hopefully they can find me somewhere to live.

OP posts:
parkingpearlclutching · 17/03/2015 21:30

I did not have really bad things happen to me, "difficult" in the OP might conceivably be the case, maybe at times merely "uncomfortable". I don't have a good character though and I have spent years being miserable, just never felt loved, hyper critical mother, hard core religion, didn't fit into the community, was humilatingly ugly and badly dressed, was bullied (at home and school) and no one cared, that sort of thing. Suicidal on and off, self harm, but more because I bit shit than because awful things happened to me.

What made it better (some of these things appear to be contradictory but weirdly they fit together for me):

Growing up and being pretty. (I am not now so I don't feel it is boastful to say this - I feel like I am talking about someone else - but between about 17 and 35 I was very pretty). that made life easier, it is much easier to live life when you no longer walk into a room and know that everyone is instantly disgusted with you.

Making some real friends, including my first boyfriend when I was 17, who was sincere and kind and made me feel good. I still have a few really good friends (different people) and the difference between having someone and no one is incredible, even if I am physically alone it gives me strength to think someone loves me and thinks I am a laugh and good to be with

Music - playing in orchestras, singing in choirs, and raving

These are the two that are contradictory: knowing for sure that the poeple who were supposed to be looking after me totally threw me under the bus and no matter what they think or say (not that we talk about it) they failed a child and it was not my fault; and that I am the author of what happens next, I did respond badly to not-so-bad stuff and I can choose to respond differently to things now, up to a point

  • with good self care. I can forget to do this but the things I need are: sleep; exercise outdoors; music; right balance of seeing good friends and being alone; doing creative stuff; trying to have a bit of spare money for luxuries. I try to remember that I am a little fragile and unless I make space for certain things in my life they won't necessarily fall into place and then I'll be in trouble. I find this hard to remember because I keep trying to do things that I can see other people do or that other people ask me to do. I just have to try to remember that I can't expect to be like other people
Immovableobject · 17/03/2015 22:54

Compartmentalised, made lots of shitty mistakes but it all came right when I had my own DCs, which was quite a pleasant surprise to me in my 40s.

My sister is in therapy though - let our upbringing define her instead of moving on IMHO

EndOfTheRainbowInSight · 18/03/2015 09:50

Best of luck, hoping. I have my fingers crossed for you.

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