For those that had a difficult/miserable childhood/teen years

[hopingforamiracle]

How did you get over it?

Counselling, CBT, hypnosis and now at the grand old age of 45 antidepressants.

Are parents great

Haven't got over it completely. In effect I have put feelings in a locked box. Occasionally the box lid opens (usually after a glass or two of wine)

I see the difficult parts of my childhood/teens as having made me the resilient person I am today. Looking back on my life between the ages of 10-16 I'm amazed that I've turned out as well as I have! I also recognise how great my life is now compared to how it was then and I feel grateful for that.

BUT, the difficulties in my youth were ill-health, bullying, and a sister who tried to undermine any shred of self esteem I might have been left with. This is nothing compared to what some people have been through. Had my childhood involved the death of a parent or similar, or abuse, I imagine it might be a lot more difficult to let go of the past.

I got over it when I had my kids. They gave me a lot of strength to stand up to my parents and anyone else actually. I knew my parents were controlling and abusive, especially my Mum but couldn't seem to be bothered to sort it out for myself didn't seem worth it. There was no way that was happening with my kids though.

Same with ex H when it was just me I put up with him but once I had dc I knew I couldn't have them grow up witnessing and absorbing his behaviour so that was that.

I thought I had dealt with it by telling myself (and others) they did their best under difficult circumstances. But recently some things have brought it all up again, recent safeguarding course at work where some of what I experienced growing up was clearly pointed out in presentation as emotional abuse, neglect and required action.

Also my eldest sits GCSE's this year and its made me think a lot about my life at the same stage, which was awful and included a suicide attempt that was brushed off as exam stress and never referred to as an overdose but I think no one knew as I never talked about it and it was not talked about again, no follow up by GP who attended as home visit.

So, maybe you don't get over it just learn how to cope and not repeat the past with your own children but be prepared for little things to suddenly bring it all back and you have to learn how to cope with it all over again, sorry I am no help to you really.

Maybe counselling, talk to your GP/friends, hope you find something that works for you

I moved to the other side of the world and now have my 4dc who I hope will be close to us and each other. It still affects me, I can never have the relationship with my parents that I see others having and that hurts. It is easier my mum not living in the same country as we can have a pleasant but distant relationship via Skype, and she adores my DC, but whenever she comes to visit I am on edge the whole 2 weeks, fearing she is going to make a derogatory remark and I feel like she is judging me. I stood up to her a long time ago and she doesn't say these things out loud anymore but I suspect my feelings will never go away completely. She is much better since she split from my dad and I understand that a lot of the way she behaved towards me is due to how unhappy she was, but I still remember them and the things she did. My dad has now chosen to go NC with us as he decided he had a new life and it was too hard to be involved in the old one.

All this plays on my mind when I let it but that is one of the reasons I don't like silence and I will always have music or TV on if I can. My 4dc also help and I throw myself into caring for them. for everyone.

I thought I had got over it but after having treatment for cancer at the same time as DD started school, it all came flooding back weirdly. I ended up having some counselling, which only helped a bit. A lot of long suppressed feelings came up and still do from time to time.

I am now kind of coming to terms with a lot of feelings that have resurfaced - not being good enough, being the weird one etc. I am slowly realising that it's ok to be a bit different and in fact I would hate to be one of the herd.

It's difficult, to all.

I should add that I bring DC up in a totally different way to the childhood I had, and they are very happy balanced resilient and popular! So I have done one thing well, which is a good start

An absolute fuckton of therapy

Which isn't done yet, by any means, but it's got me back on the right road. My main thing is making sure I take care of myself (I like the oxygen mask analogy here) and listen to my feelings. When the old thought patterns start to re-emerge; when I start feeling the need to self-medicate with excessive food and/or alcohol - that's when I need to stop whatever I'm doing and pay my soul some attention for a while.

Haven't. Therapy. Cake. Being kinder to myself. Realisng prob 70% of population unconsciously affect their offspring because of their own issues and apart from making counselling mandatory for all feck knows how to solve that one. Famous line by poet Philip Larkin "They fuck you up, your parents".

From comments my counsellor has made re other cases he has had like mine, an awful lot of pople are emotionally totally un equipped to fulfill the emotional needs that a child has. Its all just automatic to people: find person, settle down, have kids is as much thought as goes into it.

My only suggestions is anyone who is planning a child should be made to do mandatory weekend on their own with two children under 5. (as i did as a part time Nanny when on hol at Uni). That would give people some small inkling on what children involve emotionally: and probably mean a lot less people would breed.

Forgot to say.. Claudette, not being good enough is massive for me, i dont think you are weird at all. I totally have that running through the back of my mind 24/7 even now. Its horrible how automatic it is and horrible how it can devastate me even now if i am having a wobbly week. My only consolation is i can put a good face on and people would never know. I would hate people to know i am so self hating as it seems so negative and self defeating. I dont want to be negative like my parents were.

Reassuring to see other people saying they haven't got over it, as I'm 40 and thinking it really ought to be behind me by now!

I tried to forget about it for years, having left home at 18 and just steadily withdrawn from birth family ever since. It came back with having my own kids and seemed to crash on me once they'd actually started to let me sleep a bit! I just keep going over the same key 'crossroad' events again and again at the moment, what if I'd done this, if only I'd done that. I am slowly getting to the point where it won't dominate me I think.

I think it is a bit like a bereavement, only a bereavement from something you never had. Perhaps you never get over it, but you can learn to live around it. You just need to give it time and distance.

I had a difficult childhood as my parents were in a tough situation and didn't have the resources to deal with it all. I had some issues which went undiagnosed throughout my childhood and adolescence (only diagnosed aged 32 in fact) which compounded the problems. My teen years were a blur of sexual exploitation, serious mental health issues and absconding. I've had therapy (extended psychotherapy paid for by NHS), which provided a few insights, although the style simply didn't suit me and my needs so I wouldn't say it has helped me as much as others.

For me, what has helped was living well, and learning more (through my own research) about the factors behind my parents' situation. As I've grown older, I've learned to understand the reasons behind their behaviour and I no longer see them at fault, but I value them for the things they did manage to do. They were not abusive but very ill-equipped - and this was down to factors entirely beyond their control. I've also learned more about my diagnosis (which was missed by therapy and meant that it never really got to grips with all my issues but only focused on a small element of them). I've spent a lot of years doing creative work which has been therapeutic (but not explicitly art therapy).

Life is good now - I have a great marriage, good career, a lovely DS. It's been a steep climb, but from where I am I can see that it's given me a depth and perception that others have lacked when they've had a much easier ride in life. So I'm grateful for that in a way.

I haven't but am making steps towards doing so now at 36 and a parent myself.

My parents were and are controlling and abusive. I don't want the grey cloud that they represent hanging over my life anymore. For my kids' sake.

Nor do I want to do rely on alcohol or medication to get me through.

My DH and kids have given me the will to start cutting ties / making peace.

Forgiveness. You have to forgive the people who made things bad for you.

I'm here now, I am not me there then. That about sums it up.

It is absolute folly and futility to get entangled with thoughts about the past, trying to make sense of it, letting it push you around, explaining today's behaviour with reference to the past.

You can't control or fade the form and frequency of your memories, thoughts, associations or feelings but you always have a choice about whether you let those dictate what you do now.

Therapy. Four years of private therapy have helped me move on so much more than I ever expected I would.

I've found a lot of healing in raising my own children, giving them an innocent, care-free childhood and watching them enjoy it.

Also, becoming my own best friend instead of my harshest critic. I started ruling out saying anything to myself mentally that I wouldn't say to a friend in a rut. Totally altered my stress levels.

I haven't got over it. I have learnt to accept and let go of quite a lot of stuff. But some things seem to affect me over and over again. I was NC for about 8 years. Have recently got in touch again. Things have actually been ok, but I do think seeing my parents and siblings again has triggered me. And my siblings did not have the same awful childhood that I did, they were quite a bit younger, and I am reminded of this every time I see them, as they are obviously 'ok' and don't have the issues I do.

Counselling, best thing I have ever done.

I had counselling in my late teens against my will (adoptive parents thought they were doing the right thing, very difficult childhood, 10 years in foster care, sexual and physical abuse) and it got them and me nowhere. I was very bright at manipulating people, so would say all the right things to my counsellor, she would report back to my parents that I was coping magnificently and was a healthy, responsible young adult and they would sit and scratch their heads at it all.

I had DS1 and decided I wanted to stop fucking up on my own life. Put myself through Uni, met DH, worked my arse off and got myself together in terms of supporting myself and being a fully-functioning adult. But still felt something was missing, so had three years of counselling and it was beyond amazing. It is like a light has been switched on and I don't feel bad for the childhood I had.

I'm happier, funnier and deal with life far better. I still have black-cloud moments, and down days. I stood in a Mothers Day assembly at my school yesterday watching our reception class with their Mums and had to leave the room and have a little cry in the staff room, it was just so, so lovely seeing those children so happy. That's not normal, I admit. But before counselling I never cried, never. Not even when people died or left. I just shut myself down and mad as it is, this is healthier.

There's a lot to be said for asking for help to put your past in perspective.

I haven't got over it.

I am learning to live with it better than I have in the past it's taken forgiveness, therapy, medication, being a better parent than mine and a whole host of other things along the way.

I still struggle because I haven't got a dh who is there for me in the way he should be/needs to be, because my self-worth is still so low/non-existent, because my mental health damage is permanent

Things like looking forward and appreciating what I have now are great and do help but they haven't "fixed" the deep scars underneath which are still a work in progress. Positive attitudes only carry me so far for so long and are not enough in the life storms that occur IYSWIM.

Good question.
I have forgotten it.

I have poured energy into loads of other brilliant stuff.
I left at 16 and allowed ambition and single mindedness to dominate and take over my mind.

It became deeply entrenched.

Everything else has been shoved out. For good.

I expect it depends on what made you miserable and how resilient personality you have as to if/when you get over things.

I was horribly bullied daily and my parents were useless with that and uber critical themselves.

I was very unhappy at primary and secondary and schools knew and didn't care and blamed me and I stopped many activities out of school as bullies followed me there.

My parents did love me and did try - but their own upbringings were looking back very toxic, tumbling down the generations, and they had little to no support and a lot of interference. I think it the circumstances they did well till late teens - when like many other parents dealing with almost and grown up people was near impossible for them.

I think it massively affected my social skills development - and I was lucky I wasn't turned off education and first guy who came along and stayed was a good one.

That negative voice in my head still there - and I have to work at being my own cheer leader.

I was badly bullied in my first proper job - but liberating thing about being an adult was that I could and did leave - took time but it was an option I didn't have as a child.

My DC attend a school that is big on the community feel and odd occasions the DC have had a teacher not listen I've stood up for them. They also have each other - something I realise I didn't have - my siblings were not a source of support and were bullying themselves - as an adult I can and do have little contact with them.

My DC have also learnt to stand up for themselves and not accept being treated badly - something I had to learn as an adult and mainly post DC. Something my own parents still discourage me from at times though their own assertive skills are getting better.

I'm still on edge in social situations and surprised people like me - I don't think that is ever going to go away though I am learning to care less with age.

I read a lot of books. Thought about stuff a lot. I was very lucky in that I have parents who love and support me unconditionally and I think that gave me a resilience to ultimately bounce back from what was significantly more than normal teenage depression. But it took a lot of work and a longish time. Ultimately, it made me the person I am today and helped me identify an area of very real interest that I've spent my adult life focusing on. I'm not sure I would have found this interest if I hadn't had such a terrible time as a teenager.

I am a very resilient person and I'm very good at compartmentalising so everything gets put in a box for me and I carry on. Sometimes I think it can make me appear to be quite cold-natured, when actually I'm not, it's just some sort of self-protection.

As a result of my childhood I never rely on anyone - that way I can't be let down again. I work hard. I'm an optimist, I always try and find the good side to everything. I no longer stew over things, because I can't change what happened in my life, I can only control things as I move on.

I am very happy with my own company though and don't need to have people around me.

I think I over compensate with my own children, but they know they are loved because I show them and tell them every day and I hope that I have never, ever made them feel unwanted. I try very hard to support them. I go way over the top at birthdays for them, but that's because birthdays were such dreadful times for me and even now at 44 years old I hate my birthday. It's the only thing I don't think I've dealt with well.

I get on okay with mum now, she never acknowledges how she treated us as children, I think now looking back she had some kind of post natal depression following the birth of my sister. She made my life hell though and constantly tried to sabotage my life; stopped me going out, wouldn't let me do homework, etc. I must have been resilient even then because I'd get up at 4.30 in the morning to do school work when she was sleeping.

I never had an issue with dad when I was growing up, but now I realise he should have stepped in and supported us children, instead of just doing his own thing and letting mum be so bloody nasty. I expect he never supported mum in bringing us up either so she was left to deal with 3 DCs (with a large age gap between the first two and the last one) on her own.

I think mum does regret her actions and our relationship now, she doesn't really have a relationship with my brother's children or my children. None of them have ever stayed at grandma and granddad's house and she's only ever seen them a handful of times in their lives.