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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For those that had a difficult/miserable childhood/teen years

121 replies

hopingforamiracle · 13/03/2015 08:18

How did you get over it?

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 13/03/2015 12:41

I still feel anger sometimes.
Working with children has actually given my confidence in my own judgement because I know now without a doubt that things were awful so I don't have that fear that any of it was my fault or that I exaggerated in any way. I wish I'd kicked up more of a fuss, although I did go to social services. The irony is I actually didn't tell people the worst of it because it sounded so unbelievable.
I love my wonderful dh my ds and her children and I literally couldn't give a stuff about anybody outside of that so I suppose its made me quite hard. Friendships aren't important to me and I just fake it.I don't dislike people but I don't feel much either way.
Been nc for more than 20years. The next hurdle isn't far off as they will probably die soon and I can't let my ds deal with that alone.
Generally day to day I feel pretty lucky. I'm alive , good marriage , nice home, plenty of work.
The nightmares stopped when I met my dh .
So much of my memory is missing though, my dsis remembers a lot more.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 13/03/2015 12:49

Therapy.
Going no contact with the parent that caused a lot of issues (and still tries to cause problems).
And giving myself time to grieve for my mum (didn't have the time or space or support at the time of her death as I was expected to take on many of her roles).
And more therapy.

thatsucks · 13/03/2015 13:02

As most others have said you don't get over it, you learn to manage it and you try to focus on the here and now especially when you have children.

I almost wish I was NC as my mum is in my life an awful lot and though she's great in some ways, she's always going to be toxic. Manipulative, selfish, hard work, needy, 'outspoken' (bloody rude). My dad is always going to be a useless enabler who has ignored many many cries for help over the years. But I manage them - I hold them at arm's length.

Other Good Things That Have Helped Me:

My husband (not a saint, but very strong, emotionally intelligent and taught me to say 'fuck 'em')
Wine
Food
Friends
My career (very very fulfilling and makes me proud)
MY KIDS MY KIDS MY KIDS

Madamecastafiore · 13/03/2015 13:05

Going NC. Drawing that line and realising it wasn't me, they were toxic and they would have been abusive however I behaved.

MrsToddsShortcut · 13/03/2015 13:16

7 years of therapy.

I am still hugely angry some of the time actually, but that is, in part, due to being a lone parent with two young kids which massively increases the pressure.

My experiences as a child really informed the choices I made; rape, sexual abuse, an alcoholic parent and another that was hugely controlling. I ended up, as a teen and an adult in two very abusive relationships becuase I had no idea what was normal.

It's been a long road to finding some kind of normality but I've had to do it because of DD and DS - the last thing in the world that I want is for them to grow up in a dysfunctional abusive home.

I feel like I never reached my potential in life becuase I suffered years of mental health problems, and I'm trying to address some of that now. I'm doing an OU degree, taking up writing, which I love, and trying really hard to reclaim the 'me' that was lost for so many years.

I believe it is possible, but it is hard work! But couselling/therapy is a really good place to start Flowers

DawnOfTheDoggers · 13/03/2015 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hopingforamiracle · 13/03/2015 15:31

Thanks for the replies. Sorry to hear how it was so awful for you all Sad

I've had years of therapy, it did help some but I feel like i've got deep scars that may never heal. I've always wanted children and I feel giving them a nice childhood will be a healing process for myself. I just hope I can have children, otherwise I'll be devastated.

OP posts:
kickassangel · 13/03/2015 15:39

Knowing that it was them and not me helps a lot. I'm not the difficult, awkward one, but rather that was my response to the way they treated me, and really I should/could have been far more difficult and it still would not have been my fault.

Keeping my distance. I live 4,000 miles away and keep a rein on visits, although they still leave me in tears.

Try to come at my parenting style from a completely blank page rather than just falling into the same pattern as my parents.

Keep DD away from them (see visits) and have lots of talks with her about how they just have some very different/weird views and we can maybe put up with it for a few days, challenge it when necessary, and escape back to our safe home.

kickassangel · 13/03/2015 15:41

Oh, and I'm another one using education (an MA in Women's and Gender Studies) to boost my self esteem. Turns out I'm neither stupid nor lazy.

LittleRobots · 13/03/2015 15:48

I rreally struggle. Having kids opened it all up again as its hard to see such small pepopel and not understand why someone wouldn't love them.

I am huge, I realise there is a link behind my rather traumatic past that I thought I could just ignore and this fact :(

RandomMess · 13/03/2015 17:54

With hindsight I realised that my utter desperate need to have children was actually a desperate need to nurture my "child" self.

Please explore your desire to have children with a therapist. I really struggled with my eldest as it opened the floodgates yet again in a new way. Wanting to desperately different to my parents and not having the skills to be a "perfect" parent etc.

PeppermintCrayon · 13/03/2015 18:24

Therapy. Lots of therapy...

Charlotte3333 · 13/03/2015 18:51

Random that's word-for-word how I would explain my desire to have children. I have, essentially, grown up with my own children, because I missed out on my own childhood so much. I've tried to put it into words before and failed; your first sentence is exactly it.

CatsBollocks · 13/03/2015 18:56

I went to Uni to prove to them I wasn't stupid/dumb/waste of space. I proved them wrong in becoming a teacher then Depute Head and now Head Teacher. As I grew older I slowly realised they had been functioning alcoholics all along and I suspect my mother had some form of depression after having me. I wasn't 'planned' and I do think she thought her family was complete before I came along when she was 40. She never let me forget I wasn't 'planned' (and told me this on many occasions).

I had lots of counselling, unpicked my past little by little and moved on. Christmas time is still hard for me as I get the odd memory of how awful it was for me and how my siblings were treated differently.

RandomMess · 13/03/2015 19:00

For some reason it is so much easier to nurture your dc than yourself... I look at my dc and wonder how on earth my parents could be the way they were with me Sad

Children give you a whole new layer of something else you need to deal with that you didn't know was an issue.

ghostspirit · 13/03/2015 19:01

sometimes i think i have got over it. can tell myself all the things my head wants to hear and i can sound very logic... But then when i look at the reality of how my life is and how i have done things. its not normal and i will be surprised if i ever do normal. i know there is no such thing as normal. but i meal normal within reason. although as a whole/in general my life is quite positive just now.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 13/03/2015 19:02

It is a life of indescribable hell coupled with an inner strength that surpasses anything you can imagine

It never ever leaves you, you torment yourself daily, punish yourself and others around you

You daydream and imagine you're someone else,mist back and observe others and try and absorb yourself into their histories

You falsely cling to random people who replace those stable nurturers you yearned for

Some days you feel it has been so long you have suffered that you will never get over it, occasionally it gets too much to bear

Completely agree with the family of your own replacing the childhood you wanted. Even now I watch kids to and laugh with my heart

I find it sick that I cry years (I don't know if of sadness or joy) when I see innocent twinkles of laughter in childrens' eyes

HmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmm

CallMeExhausted · 13/03/2015 19:03

I live in the now and am determined not to do to my children what my family did to me.

I am also NC with my family - but very close to my DH's family.

Doesn't make it "alright" and it does bite me in the ass from time to time, but I am OK.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 13/03/2015 19:07

Brittany fairies I hate my birthday too. Painful memories but also the feeling I don't deserve cards and presents. My dad als stopped me from doing homework and revising for exams and I also said sod him and achieved really well! I'm another one who uses education for self esteem Sad

Namehanger · 13/03/2015 19:07

Not mine but DH - movement and then forgiveness and the Hoffman Process - forgive and then acknowledge you love dad & mum and will always do so.

CockMcStuffins · 13/03/2015 19:13

What is key for me is the the realisation was that although my teenage years were awful the person responsible was doing their best in a very difficult situation. For a while everything was my fault, but I got out and was stronger than anyone else. Maybe because of what I went through, maybe I always was and that was why I was the scapegoat.

I was able to forgive. I am still not quite the parent I hope to be. But striving.

AntiHop · 13/03/2015 19:16

Counselling. Drawing a line and not looking back. Keeping my distance from those who made me unhappy.

burblish · 13/03/2015 19:20

I'm not completely over it, either, and never will be. However, I can tell you that ensuring that my DC gets the childhood I wish I could have had is incredibly healing. Being able to model a healthy, loving, wonderfully happy marriage and family environment for my DC has also gone a long way to restoring parts of me that were in tatters before. The best way for me to deal with the sadness of my past is to create happiness in my present and for my future. Living well now is the best thing any of us can do.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 13/03/2015 19:22

Taking comfort in the fact that I have seen alot more than the average, experienced things some people will never, making me more tolerant, less judgemental and more forgiving

ragged · 13/03/2015 19:25

um, not sure I have. Lots of yrs of being unhappy first.