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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think, you did this, so stop complaining.

56 replies

snowmancarrot · 13/03/2015 03:36

My friend has a ds with her now ex husband. She, by being obstructive and various other ways, made contact with his father as difficult as possible. Examples include, changing the days last minute, only agreeing to time when he would have been at work, trying to have him arrested for harassment when he was trying to arrange to see his son, saying he could only see him at her house. The list is endless. Lots of minor things to make sure it was unpleasant each time he was allowed to see his ds.

After months of aggravation from her he's said he can't drag their child through anymore of her emotional blackmail and doesn't have contact anymore.

Aibu to think that she can't then sit complaining about it to me, when it was her who wanted to make his life a misery as she believed he had made hers.

Maybe I need to cut her out.

OP posts:

SueChef · 13/03/2015 04:27

It'd be a cold day in hell before i was friends with someone like that! I would tell her

DontDrinkandFacebook · 13/03/2015 04:34

I think if I'd had to sit there and watch that happening I'd be having to tell her a few home truths, even if it meant losing the friendship.

And now this poor child will no doubt grow up being manipulated to believe that his father didn't love him and couldn't be bothered to see him.

MidniteScribbler · 13/03/2015 04:42

She's a bitch. There is no way I could be friends with someone like that.

But I would also hope that the father would fight like hell to keep seeing his child, rather than just throwing his hands up and walking away. I would never stop fighting if it were my child.

FeijoaSundae · 13/03/2015 04:58

If you're going to cut her out, you might as well tell her why. What have you got to lose?

However, I'm also a bit at the Dad just giving up like that. In fact, I'm extremely ...

Snozberry · 13/03/2015 05:05

He doesn’t sound innocent there either, apart from trying to have him arrested they are things he could compromise on. Why won’t he see his son at her house?

Poor kid being stuck in the middle of all this.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 13/03/2015 06:24

Snoz on what basis can you possibly say that? The OP hasn't said a single thing about him except how he has reacted after her friend's attempts to sabotage his access.

What you really mean is that you are happy to assume that he has done something to deserve being messed around by her, as you are reluctant to believe that any woman might just enjoy being obstructive and difficult towards an ex.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 13/03/2015 06:26

And unless she has been through the proper procedures because of safeguarding issues, why on earth should he agree to only seeing his son at his ex's house?

siblingrevelryagain · 13/03/2015 06:32

His part in any guilt/fault is irrelevant here-yes, it's a shitty situation but every father should fight for their child, regardless of how hard the mother makes it. Some mothers take children to live abroad or do awful things to fathers but they don't give up on their kids. What a waste of space he is and what a bitch she sounds.

Only1scoop · 13/03/2015 06:33

I'd probably say 'you got what you wanted' because it sounds like she actually has.

Sounds serious if police involved etc....so it's hard to comment as we don't know what occurred.

She sounds full of revenge though and best to keep a distance.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 13/03/2015 06:37

I do agree he seems to have walked away too easily.

LittleMissRayofHope · 13/03/2015 06:38

I agree with most. If your planning on cutting her out anyway or no longer feel you wish to be friends I would say something.

Personally I would say something and if that risks the friendship then the friendship isn't solid anyway.
She's damaging her child and using her child to punish her ex.

She needs help.

AlpacaMyBags · 13/03/2015 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeaceOfWildThings · 13/03/2015 06:42

I know someone like that, a few years on. The DC now lives with the dad and only sees mum erratically. Sadly the DC has MH problems which have completey disrupted school life. Poor kid indeed.

I recommend asking your friend to not talk to you about her ex, and see what happens. She might cut you off!
Support the dad and the child if you can. He needs a better lawyer.

LittleMissRayofHope · 13/03/2015 06:48

Does sound like he's walked away easily. Although I don't blame him for having enough if the story reads entirely as above

Here's hoping he will try formal channels now.

Scotchmincepie · 13/03/2015 06:50

I'm not sure ending up being arrested counts as walking away easily...

LittleMissRayofHope · 13/03/2015 06:54

My ex could have me arrested everyday of the week and I'd never stop trying to see my kids.

Especially if it was still in the early part of the break up.
She is emotionally abusing both the father and the son and if that's all it takes for the dad to dump his son for good then yes, he has walked away too easily.

Mrsstarlord · 13/03/2015 06:54

After months of aggravation from her he's said he can't drag their child through anymore of her emotional blackmail and doesn't have contact anymore.

I love MN but something that drives me mad is the way that there are always a handful of people who are determined that all men are in some way at fault. FFS the man is putting his own child's wellbeing ahead of his.
How anyone can go from reading the OP to its the dad's fault is beyond me.
The woman is awful, the child and the dad is being dragged through all sorts of emotional turmoil by her.
But no doubt at some point someone will be along to explain how the dad is abusive and the woman a victim, or how the system is unfair to women because we live in a patriarchal society.

youarekiddingme · 13/03/2015 07:01

I am not surprised sadly.

I know. Number of people who've been very demanding about contact being around them (not the childrens schedule) but around what they want to happen, days, times, no overnight - no compromise. Then sit complaining that the father has never offered overnight, only has them one weekend day or best one ever was a woman who was furious when she wanted to switch days to go on a spa day the father had plans that day.

One particular friend was cut out for this tyoe of behaviour amongst others. Everytime we planned something - during her dcs contact with dad she'd always make it into a drama about contact - it got too much.

thatsucks · 13/03/2015 07:26

How can posters conclude she's a 'bitch' going on this scant OP? We don't know the full story - maybe you don't either OP.

You say she wants to make his life hell like he made hers? Well you could just see that as woman scorned, or maybe he treated her terribly and she is concerned about him having access to her child.

The Relationships board is full of women who are desperate about their exes having access not having to their children - women who have suffered (sometimes very subtle) emotional abuse that is not seen, known or understood by other people.

I'm not going to judge because I don't know you, her or the man in question.

Maybe she's a 'bitch' as others have said. Maybe she's not.

You don't sound like you like her anyway so why not do yourself and her a favour and withdraw your friendship.

ArmyDad · 13/03/2015 07:31

Gave up too easily after months and being arrested/threatened with arrest? Doesn't seem like giving up to me. Agree with mrsstarlord he is putting the child welfare first. YANBU to think your friend did this to themselves

Mrsstarlord · 13/03/2015 07:37

The relationships board on MN are a very targeted population, were there a dadsnet site the boards wod be similarly skewed in the opposite direction. The OP is a friend of the woman in question and that woman's actions are so disruptive to the relationship between father and child that the OP is considering withdrawing from the friendship.
The actions described are awful, there is no indication that there is any reason for her actions except for making the contact between father and child as difficult as possible.
You can apply any level of additional assumption to this which might explain her behaviour (and assumption is all it is) but based on this information the woman is being awful.

Original poster

snowmancarrot · 13/03/2015 07:37

To answer questions, yes he was told to see the child at her house, she was living with her parents and they would call him a cunt in front of his ds.

He took her to court and she stopped him seeing his son unless he agreed to go to hers until the court had ordered time. How could he have gone to hers if she called the police for harassment from him.

Any time I've suggested that she might be obsessed with making his life a misery she just shuts down.

I've known her for years but it's wearing me out.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 13/03/2015 07:38

I would tell her some home truths yes, but also try and make her realise it's in her child's best interests to have contact with their father and help get to re-establish contact constructively. If that didn't work I'd cut her out.

Mrsstarlord · 13/03/2015 07:38

Sorry for typos.

BertieBotts · 13/03/2015 07:44

How on earth could she threaten him with arrest if he hadn't done anything.

Massive assumptions happening here. I am not necessarily saying it was his fault either but you can't assume it's hers. Although yes messing around contact times is unreasonable.

Nice to know i am a "bitch" for taking my child to live abroad where he is having a hugely better quality of life and the ability to speak two languages fluently. I suppose the fact that my ex fucked off is irrelevant, and I ought to have waited around for the full 16 years just in case he changed his mind?

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