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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this 'office banter' went too far....

51 replies

askyfullofstars · 12/03/2015 18:52

I work in an office with 2 departments in it. There are quite a lot of men in there and we generally have a good laugh. I do generally have a naughty sense of humour and so 'office banter' (much as I hate that phrase its the best way to describe it), generally consists of a lot of silly double entendres.
However, today I wore a v neck top and was subjected to comments such as "hey skyfull how much for a lapdance ha ha ha ha" and more.
I told them it was making me uncomfortable, I didnt like it and while we usually have a bit of a joke they were taking it too far (and FFS it was a v top, not like I was flashing my cleavage).
And suddenly they get all arsey and tell me I cant take a joke, its only banter.
I feel a bit torn, like I want to complain but I dont feel like I can as up to that point we always had a bit of a laugh. I just feel this overstepped the mark.
Think I'll wear a polo neck tomorrow...

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 12/03/2015 19:43

"They are confused - you banter about some things, but then get funny over something they consider to be banter. A lot of men just can't understand where the line is - or even if there IS a line. If you don't want 'personal' banter, then stop bantering altogether."

Yeah- because obviously it's a woman's job to moderate men's behaviour- how are they going to know otherwise, poor things? Hmm

Original poster
askyfullofstars · 12/03/2015 19:43

chipdip I did say something.
Ok I concede I am BU, but Im just pissed off that when I said enoughs enough and it was making me uncomfortable they should have stopped.

OP posts:
liketohelp · 12/03/2015 19:48

A joke is not something that makes you uncomfortable. They are way out of order. Complain if they carry on after you`ve said it makes you uncomfortable.

If an employee says things you find offensive, such as sexist remarks, you can complain and cite the Equality Act 2010 - its called "creating an offensive environment". It doesnt even have to be directed at you - any language which offends someone in the workplace is against this law.

Check out the law on www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1814

Viviennemary · 12/03/2015 19:49

Don't complain. But there's nothing wrong with saying 'you're a bit out of order there' or 'you've overstepped the mark with that comment' or something similar. But if there is banter in the past you can't really complain if you've let it go before. And it doesn't seem that bad to me and I'm not a great fan of this kind of thing myself in normal office hours.

Holepunch · 12/03/2015 19:53

That's all well and good liketohelp, but it does sound like OP has contributed to "creating an offensive environment". If there was an investigation, I'd expect her to be found equally "guilty"

Holepunch · 12/03/2015 19:54

Absolutely yes, they should have stopped when you asked though OP.

Lweji · 12/03/2015 20:13

I don't think you were unreasonable.
What if you said their wives were giving away lapdances? Would they still find it funny?

If you asked them to stop, they should stop and apologise.
As they stopped, I wouldn't complain, but I would if they did it again or didn't stop.

And FGS, don't wear a polo neck. Don't change yourself because of arsy men.

Hakluyt · 12/03/2015 20:15

Of course they should have stopped! Don't let anyone make this your fault.

Thankyoumrspatterson · 12/03/2015 20:17

They wbu BUT emailing someone to come in cause you have something to show them is pretty funny! I actually lol'd

Lovemycatsandkids · 12/03/2015 20:19

I think you all need some more work to do!

When you are at work you should be working. Sure ask about families and the weekend but dirty jokes!??

You all need to grow up.

Lweji · 12/03/2015 20:19

Sorry, didn't read it all properly.

They didn't stop, so do complain.

Even the usual banter, that you take well, seems directed AT you. Is it mutual at all? Do you give back? Or just go along with it?
Because it is a sexist environment, and in a way grooming to what happened today.

ImADonkeyOnTheEdge · 12/03/2015 20:21

Blurred lines has a lot to answer for.

Pastaeater · 12/03/2015 20:23

Completely agree with Corygal - "can't take a joke= the bully's defence". Why do women feel obliged to apologise to and defend themselves from men's "humour".
Banter is one thing; distressing personal and sexual remarks are something else. Maybe the OP has blurred the lines with her comments in the past, but as soon as she said she was offended and concerned they should have stopped.
Why do women on here feel obliged to defend male stupidity and bullying, and criticise other women??

UnbelievableBollocks · 12/03/2015 20:24

OP you're not being unreasonable. Being asked about lap dances because of a top you're wearing completely oversteps the mark and saying something there and then about it was absolutely the right thing to do.

I've worked for years in a male dominated environment and there absolutely is a line between having a laugh and being sleezy.

Don't let anyone tell you that men making sleezy comments because of what you're wearing is your own fault.

liketohelp · 12/03/2015 20:41

holepunch - actually I thought of that, and I was going to say to OP that, depending on what she said, someone could also complain about her "banter". I was waiting to see what she would post first.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 12/03/2015 20:44

op I left a place of work that was all girls and one male - our boss. There was a lot of 'banter' - very close to the knuckle. The girls were just as bad.

Whilst I was kneeling down for somthing my boss said 'while your down there' and burst out laughing. Also on another occasion it was cold as I was coming in - he looked at my chest and said ' oh is it cold out side'. There is too many to list. I hated it. It was like a bad benny hill sketch in there. But that was what the culture was in work. I wished that on my first day I would have said somthing to them all rather than than trying to fit in.

On my next job while I was seven minths pregnant my work colleague who I was friends (male) said 'well I guess we know who would win a wet t shirt compition don't we joy ?' I wiped the fucking floor with him adding that maybe he should repeat that in front of my DP. I work in a male dominated area but I can maintain being friends/work colleagues with out having to lower myself to sexist banter PLUS I get much more respect apart from the one dickhead that thought he was too familiar with me

Stop with sex banter. It's insulting. If anything was to happen regarding sexual harassment you would find it very hard to prove as she have gone along with it in the past.

all of you need to grow up

RolyPolierThanThou · 12/03/2015 20:49

Consent. Its about consent. It's only fun if everyone is having a good time. The moment you said you were uncomfortable they should have stopped.

Sure maybe they didnt anticipate it would upset but you did speak up.

I'm sure they'd have been made uncomfortable if you'd suggested one of them go and do something sexually exploitative (as the exploited one). like 'if you're so sexually frustrated why don't you bend over for Pete. He might give you a reach-around' yeah pretty sure that would not be such light banter (with apols to Pete) as its personal.

Lovemycatsandkids · 12/03/2015 21:03

It's bollicks to say it's a male thing.

The male nurses at our hospital got teased in a very sexual way.

Women are just as bad it's a pack mentality.

As I said before work isn't the place for this kind of crap and op if you are sometimes 'near the nuckle' yourself you are just as bad.

Grow up and do your jobs.

Banter should be for friends and family not random work colleagues.

Dragonfly71 · 12/03/2015 21:10

Op did say something and they carried on!! YANBU at all. They are being prize wankbadgers and I think they need to be told their behaviour was unacceptable. A quick sausage joke is on a TOTALLY different level to continued unwanted jokes and comments about the op's breasts.
I would be fuming. And they would all have lost the right to have any kind of banter with me in future. They have overstepped the mark.

Coldteaandafag · 12/03/2015 21:23

Dragon - yes they were totally out of order. But op has allowed and encouraged this 'banter' also. She has put herself in a bad position. If this was investigated they would all be up shit creek

LustyBusty · 12/03/2015 21:48

Am I the only one that can also see the difference between a sausage double entendre and a "fancy giving a lap dance?" comment?! sky was having a weekly bit of sausage, a tube of pork product, in bread. It's just the tone of voice (and history) that makes it rude.
Where I work, double entendres are common. The weekly comment of "can I see your meat?" is trotted out by anyone to anyone who has ordered from the butcher. Along with the "misheard" comments (can't think of an example) and toilet talk. However, it never ever gets personal. No one at work has ever commented on my huuuuge (38hh) boobs (at work) nor my sex life. Nor anyone else's shape, size (other than "are you losing weight, you look good"), assets, or sex life (or potential lack thereof) it all stays fairly abstract.
Having said that, one day the conversation turned to how a young male colleague was off on a date, and worst came to worst, he was going to "get her drunk, lube her up and ram it in" I looked at them in horror, they shut up and I reported it to HR. They got a severe bollocking (i asked not to go formal, just wwanted them to know EXACTLY how pissed off I was) and I got written apologies. They never did it again.
OP, don't stick for it of it makes you uncomfortable, especially if you've asked them to stop and they haven't.

pluCaChange · 13/03/2015 20:11

Lapdanving or parking a bike in cleavage are incredibly personal comments. Ugh!

carabos · 13/03/2015 20:23

Probably easier all round if you act like professionals and don't indulge in banter and double entendres. That way, there isn't a grey area, isn't a dotted line or a minefield to be negotiated and you can all get on with your work.

If you worked for me, I'd have shut it down at the first mention of weekly sausages Hmm. How old are you fgs? 15? 12?

30somethingm · 13/03/2015 20:24

YANBU