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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect someone to send things to charity after they've used them??

62 replies

troublelovesme · 12/03/2015 17:26

We give a lot of DSs clothes to a friend for her smaller son of a similar age but AIBU to ask (politely) that they send these items to a charity shop once they've finished with them? They do buy most clothes from charity shops but have mentioned that they are thinking of selling their sons clothes on eBay. We've given some things new with tags and some things like Converse and Vans so I think I'd feel a bit cheated if they make money from our kindness.

and now I sound like a bitch

OP posts:

fieldfare · 12/03/2015 17:28

You shouldn't give them with an agenda tbh. If you want them to be given to charity then donate them yourself, once you've given them away you have no further say in what happens next I'm afraid.

MrsFlannel · 12/03/2015 17:28

YABU. You can't GIVE with conditions! It's rude. don't give them at all if you feel that strongly about it.

ChipDip · 12/03/2015 17:30

Yabu you can't tell them what to do with something you've given them. Don't give it if you have conditions attached.

CaffeLatteIceCream · 12/03/2015 17:31

No. Sorry. If you give them away, they are no longer yours and you have no say in what happens to them.

Maybe she really, really needs the money? In which case, you've helped her twice. (Sort of). Isn't that enough?

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2015 17:32

YABU

If you're giving the clothes away, why would you care where they end up after that?

sosix · 12/03/2015 17:35

Yes perhaps they really need the money. Ideally i wouldn't want things passed on sold...i never resell stuff given except by pil

mumeeee · 12/03/2015 17:36

YABU. Once you give the clothes away they belong to the person you gave them to, so this person can do what they like with the, when they have finished with them.

KicktheBride · 12/03/2015 17:37

Ahh in that case I won't suggest it then. I just feel it'd be nice if they could pass on the kindness after us to someone else, if anyone gets what I mean?

KicktheBride · 12/03/2015 17:38

Also changed my username in the middle of this thread but don't think it has come up just incase that was confusing

stillwearingaredribbon · 12/03/2015 17:40

Even if they did give them to a charity shop somebody else could buy them to sell on eBay

DancingDinosaur · 12/03/2015 17:42

I suppose once you've passed stuff on then its for them to do as they want with it. I've asked people to pass stuff on to the womens refuge before, after they've finished with it. If she needs the money though, and you gave it away anyway, then you cant really begruge her that.

AliceLidlLovesWindlePoons · 12/03/2015 17:43

I don't think you should put conditions on something if you give it away.

Especially if you don't mention those conditions before you make the offer to give something to someone.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/03/2015 17:44

Yes you do sound like a bitch. If you minded what they did with them you should have sold or donated them yourself.

iliketea · 12/03/2015 17:47

It depends how the conversation goes I think. I've recently give a whole load of clothes to various friends.. They've asked me if I want them back when they've finished with them (all small baby clothes that they are never in for long(. I asked that they just pass them on to someone else who needs them, or if I happen to fall pregnant in the next few months, they can give me back anything that happens to be still wearable once they've used them.. I would be a bit pisaed off if they started to sell it on eBay, mainly because I have them because they needed them (I could have put them on eBay myself).

KicktheBride · 12/03/2015 17:50

I don't want the money for them it's more before I give the next bunch (my son is growing out of 6/7 now) I was wondering if I can suggest it to pass the kindness on to someone in need rather than just selling it. Obviously whatever they've done with the last few bags is done. But as everyone's said IABU to ask I won't ask :)

londonrach · 12/03/2015 17:50

Yabu. Once you have kindly given the item its up to person to either pass on or sell. If you care that much sell them yourself!

HairyPotter · 12/03/2015 17:54

I'll go against the grain and say it would be nice to pass the kindness on. She has benefited once and it would be greedy to make money out of it as well.

I do expect to be in a minority however.

CocobearSqueeze · 12/03/2015 17:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/03/2015 18:00

Telling someone else to donate to charity, no matter what the circumstances, is smug and wanky. It's not up to you to organise what people do with a gift once you have given it, and none of your business what charities they do or don't support.

BackforGood · 12/03/2015 18:00

It would be nice, if she can afford it, to pass on the kindness, but ultimately it's not up to the person who gives things what they receiver does with them afterwards.
tbh, I was happy to pass on clothes to other people as we were lucky enough to be given lots but I couldn't give a monkeys what happens to them afterwards - I don't need them and I got rid of them as I saw fit. If she's desperate enough for money to go to the time and trouble of eBaying stuff, well good luck to her.

Theenormouscrocodile · 12/03/2015 18:03

I agree with the OP. I don't think people should sell on stuff that has been gifted. We've been given loads and also passed on lots. It's just the way it is. You don't sell on stuff that you didn't buy.

Buxtonstill · 12/03/2015 18:03

Controlling much?! So you want her gratitude for giving her the clothes and the little bit of smugness you feel for being 'kind', but any more benefit she gets from the gift is stretching your kindness too far?
Sell them yourself if you're that bothered, but you won't get to pay the generous benefactor.
If for one moment I was in your friends position and had an inkling what you were thinking I would be pretty hurt that you couldn't be honest with me

TheresACatInMeKitchen · 12/03/2015 18:04

If you feel that strongly about it then maybe you should pass them on to charity and bypass your mate.
I clearly remember passing on dc's clothes and telling the receiver they were free to do what they want with them

Ie if any of it wasn't any good then to pass on/sell/bin. As once its out of my hands its no longer mine to dictate what happens to them.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 18:05

YABU

Nomama · 12/03/2015 18:10

I'm with OP (both of her )

When I pass stuff on I always say, use it pass it on or take it to a charity shop. I would find it weird if someone chose to sell on hand me downs... really weird!

Then again I grew up in hand me downs. Took them, wore them and passed the ones that weren't worn to rags on to someone else. That may be what makes it seem odd, making money from a gift.

I love the idea that handing down stuff is 'playing the generous benefactor'. If that is how it is seen these days I think I'll just shove everything into the nearest recycling bank - and sod anyone who might have had the benefit! Ingrates!

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