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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect someone to send things to charity after they've used them??

62 replies

troublelovesme · 12/03/2015 17:26

We give a lot of DSs clothes to a friend for her smaller son of a similar age but AIBU to ask (politely) that they send these items to a charity shop once they've finished with them? They do buy most clothes from charity shops but have mentioned that they are thinking of selling their sons clothes on eBay. We've given some things new with tags and some things like Converse and Vans so I think I'd feel a bit cheated if they make money from our kindness.

and now I sound like a bitch

OP posts:

KicktheBride · 12/03/2015 18:10

I don't think people are reading the part where I've apologised for sounding like a bitch and said I won't suggest it as I'm still getting a lot of abuse for thinking it was acceptable. Apparently it's not and I've been told now so there we go.

Flingmoo · 12/03/2015 18:11

YABU. If I bought something nice as a gift I wouldn't expect someone to keep old baby/kids clothes forever but I wouldn't expect them to just give them away for free either, maybe to another friend who is having a baby but not to charity. (I also doubt charity shops make much from kids clothes seeing as they always seem to have tonnes and all for 50p.)

I would prefer a friend to sell them on eBay which could end up helping towards a new treat for the kids. I know at least two mums who sell their kids old stuff on eBay and put it towards a big treat like play equipment for the garden.

icelollycraving · 12/03/2015 18:30

Yanbu. I think it's very rude to sell on something that you've been lent/given.

SueChef · 12/03/2015 18:37

For most people the OP shows up in a different colour but you've changed your name so people can't easily see your update.

You can't tell people what to do with a gift, but i dont think old clothes count as a gift personally. "Here's some of our old clothes, can i have them back when you've finished?" or just off handedly say it'd be nice if they were continued to be passed on.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 12/03/2015 18:46

YANBU
If someone gives you their hand me downs as a favour, it is polite to pass them on afterwards, rather than try to make a profit.

I see a difference between hand me downs- which circulate amongst families and are a favour passed on- and a present e.g. a birthday present, which is yours to do with as you please when you have finished with it.

I would be surprised if someone sold something I gave them as a favour, it would feel grabby and mean to not want to pass the favour on.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 12/03/2015 19:22

If I pass on clothes I ask the people receiving them that, if the don't need them, they pass them on in turn to benefit someone else or give to a charity shop and explicitly ask them not to eBay some of the better bits (Gap or Boden). No one has refused them on those terms. I only tend to pass on to friends I know, though.

LittleBairn · 12/03/2015 19:32

It not just that its rude. But when it comes to clothes it can be next to impossible to remember after a couple of months who gave what. So she would need to sort out your clothes from the others if she wanted to sell afterwards.
One of my bosses friend gave bin bags full of clothes (I was a nanny) after a year she demanded them all back because she wanted to keep them. We couldn't work out what items belonged to her so she came around and rooted through all the clothes until she was satisfied she had found them all.

RocketCat77 · 12/03/2015 19:45

YANBU .
I feel this is the same as if you were given something from Freecycle. It would be bad karma (in my mind) to sell something on that you have been given for free. I always pass on again things I have been given - I consider it to be sharing the love

MrsHathaway · 12/03/2015 20:05

I think in general one should not profit from something that was handed down for free.

On the other hand it is tricky as pp said to keep track of who passed on what.

When giving or receiving hand-me-downs I like to be crystal clear what happens next. "Pass it on" is the usual rule in my experience, but sometimes someone will say "can I have them back for my nephew afterwards" and you have to commit to doing so or decline the loan.

A neighbour lent a lot of newborn things on condition she got them or equivalent to pass to a cousin who was due six months later or so. A babygro she lent took on significance for us, so i kept it but replaced it in the bundle with a couple of nearly-new babygros I wasn't attached to.

YANBU to hope the things will be passed forward rather than sold. YWNBU to say "when you've finished with them do hand them down to the next person or take them to the charity shop" but YWBU to insist or check up.

keepsmiling2015 · 12/03/2015 20:10

You are being really unreasonable.

cingolimama · 12/03/2015 20:39

Give. Gift. Giving. Means that it's not yours anymore. If they want to wipe their arses floors with the items of clothing you gave them, if they want to make an absolute fortune on ebay, or if they want to rip them all up for a wacky craft project, it's all the same. It's none of your business and stop being so precious about where "your" items that you so kindly lent these ingrates end up.

I'm astonished that anyone gives a shit.

crabappling · 12/03/2015 20:45

How about books? I often tell people to pass along a book once read.

Its like that, isn't it?

cingolimama · 12/03/2015 20:54

Why Crab? Why on earth would you "tell" people what to do with what you gave them?

SolidGoldBrass · 12/03/2015 20:55

People who are pissy about other people selling stuff on ebay have clearly never been skint. It is not your business what other people do with things you have given them. And anyone who gave me baby clothes and ordered me not to sell the good stuff would get them back and be told to fuck right off.

cingolimama · 12/03/2015 20:59

Hear hear SGB!

Bagelicious · 12/03/2015 21:03

Totally agree with you OP, they should keep the kindness going and donate to either someone else who can use them or on to charity. It's in really bad taste for them to profit from the situation

Blowitout · 12/03/2015 21:08

Second hand childrens clothes don't sell for much anyway. Chances are if they are donated to charity shop they will be sold on as rag and then the middleman will take a cut on profits. It would upset me if my friend was throwing in the bin after use but it wouldn't bother me if they were being sold or given away. Don't pass them on if it is bothering you.

Morelikeguidelines · 12/03/2015 21:11

Oh, I have said please give to someone else or a charity shop provided it is not ruined. Is that not OK?

I don't check up on them afterwards though!

IfOnlyIHidTheXboxController · 12/03/2015 21:12

If you felt that strongly a way around it could be to 'lend' them and you could then donate them to charity when they were given back.

ClockwiseCat · 12/03/2015 21:14

Usually I would say YANBU because I agree with 'paying it forward' BUT your friend's circumstances sound a bit stretched if they usually buy all clothes from charity shops, in which case they may need the money.

GingerLDN · 12/03/2015 21:16

OP Yanbu. It's 'paying it forward'. I think saying I'll give you these on the condition that you give them to charity is too much but a friendly mention of them maybe handing them on to someone who needs them after should be ok I think. Someone said you do t gift with conditions but I wouldn't necessarily take it as a gift. It's hand me downs, a favour and it's nice to be nice instead of trying to make money on someone's generosity

Charlotte3333 · 12/03/2015 21:17

If you give something to another person it no longer belongs to you for you to dictate what happens to it. I regularly give DS2's clothes and shoes to friends once he's outgrown them. It's up to them what they do with them. One friend re-sells on ebay and tries to offer me the money, I refuse so we end up having a night out on the proceeds. But she's the one who puts in all the time and effort listing stuff, there's no way I'm taking that money.

KicktheBride · 12/03/2015 21:39

Obviously I would never have checked up on the items but was just wondering if it was unreasonable to ask before giving them that if there was anything they had no use for if they'd pass them onto a charity shop of their choosing. I know they're frugal as they choose to spend their money elsewhere (they go away each half term for a week so save their money for that) so was hoping that knowing they've been in need of the clothes before that they'd help someone in need. We've been in need in the past when my husband was made redundant and was very happy to receive hand me downs but also passed them on afterwards. If they do sell them on eBay I wouldn't break the friendship or mention it (I obviously wouldn't even ask what happened to the clothes)

FYI I didn't make the suggestion just dropped the bag off so thank you all for your opinions :)

NorksWar · 12/03/2015 21:52

Yanbu. Totally agree with you OP.

MrsHathaway · 12/03/2015 21:57

Oh I see, that's a bit different.

Not, "pass this on once you've worn it lots" but "pass this on if you aren't going to use it at all".

YANBU.

Except, next time, sort your chuffing namechange out

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