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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP is selfish for going to the gym?

75 replies

AlmondAmy · 12/03/2015 07:29

DP usually works away and has access to the gym in his hotel. When he is closer to home he's started leaving two hours earlier than he needs to (at 5.30 am) to go to the gym, too. This wakes the baby without fail meaning I also have to be up from 5.30. We have a 2 yo with additional needs too who is up anything up to 20 times per night, will only accept me and doesn't nap in the day as well as an older DD to ferry to school/activities so the amount of sleep/rest I get is minimal.

Before baby was born I planned that I'd get up at 7 so I'd be able to have ashower while he watched the baby before he left. Now I can't do that and have to take baby in the bathroom with me and do everything while he's out until 6.30 pm. He then washes up before falling asleep by 8 pm.

Aibu to think he's selfish for doing this? He completely opts out of helping out in any way on work days then at weekends the dc won't accept him anyway as he hehas no idea about their needs and routine so he gets those off too.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 12/03/2015 07:30

Yanbu. Totally selfish and unfair on you.How often is he doing this?

WipsGlitter · 12/03/2015 07:31

Can you leave the baby in the cut while you shower? Does he do this everyday.

I'd just go out at the weekend and get myself a coffee and read the paper so he had to take charge and no-one was mithering you.

BestZebbie · 12/03/2015 07:33

YANBU - Him going to the gym sometimes (like maybe once a week for two hours) is not unreasonable, but both the opting out of home responsibilities and the waking everyone in the family up at 5.30am are very unreasonable by themselves, let alone together!

chrome100 · 12/03/2015 07:34

YABU. Going to the gym is important, the baby won't wake forever.

MrsMinton · 12/03/2015 07:35

He is selfish in general by your post. He needs to learn their routines and be a partner. Otherwise he is just another need you have to sort out.

Firstly I would tell him he is learning what happens and getting involved. Then make him.

Secondly I would say that he does the gym either alternate days or twice a week. The other days he does morning duty so you can shower in peace.

My DH works away all week. He still does his share of house and child things when he is here because I do it alone the rest of the time. That way we both get some downtime.

Yosemitefalls · 12/03/2015 07:41

chrome did you read the OP? A child waking up to 20 times a night plus a baby is breathtakingly exhausting. Really you think he should just go to the gym?

I say this as someone with a DH who is completely addicted to gym/cycling so I totally understand the whole exercise thing but I have older children and can cope quite happily on my own.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2015 07:42

He sounds like a selfish pig in general

if going to the gym is "important" I wonder when op gets to go the gym (or equivalent non family related activity)

Cat2014 · 12/03/2015 07:43

Yanbu - a couple of times a week would be ok but he should be taking his turn then

BabyGanoush · 12/03/2015 07:44

Yanbu, it is not selfish to go to a gym, normally, but in these circumstances he should try to temporarily be a bit less selfish and pitch in a bit more.

As to showering, leave them in their cots, even if they wail and howl for 10 minutes it will do them no harm

Really, just have those 10 minutes!!!

Bonsoir · 12/03/2015 07:44

Not only is your DP being selfish, it is also really quite unnecessary to spend quite so much time working out. Is he addicted?

sosix · 12/03/2015 07:45

Its not going to gym that is selfish. Have you discussed this with him?

MissDuke · 12/03/2015 07:50

How is he waking everyone? He needs to get up as quietly as possible, I get up at 5.30am for work and have never woken anyone! He really does sound selfish.

Icimoi · 12/03/2015 07:52

YANBU. He could go to the gym in his lunch hour if it's that important, or maybe after work. But really he could get a lot of that exercise much more cheaply just by looking after his children.

WayfaringStranger · 12/03/2015 07:53

Yanbu! It's not selfish to go the gym per se but selfish to go if it means opting out of family life. Plus, waking everyone unessecarily would make me see red.

adventuretime11 · 12/03/2015 08:13

Yanbu

Jackiebrambles · 12/03/2015 08:19

Its totally selfish in my opinion. Not going to the gym but not allowing you the time to have a worry-free shower in peace without one ear on whether babies are screaming!

Since having kids I have always got up and showered whilst DH is still in the house so I can have that peace whilst he's in charge. Its only 15-20 minutes but it means a lot to have that time when you are looking after babies all day! Especially since they are up in the night a lot, you must be really struggling.

Can't he do the gym at lunchtimes or at the weekend, maybe when the kids are napping??

Whocansay · 12/03/2015 08:21

He is breathtakingly selfish. Have you tried to discuss this with him? He sounds as if he's opting out of family life. This is not just about time to go to the gym.

Mamafratelli · 12/03/2015 08:23

Yanbu. Does he do any parenting?

DecaffTastesWeird · 12/03/2015 08:27

YANBU. Agree with pp who suggests going out on your own for a coffee at the weekends. It's important to get some time off when you are doing the lion's share of child care.

Also agree with PPs who said you need to discuss this with him. It's unfair of him to opt out of family life in this way. Of course he should get some exercise, but there are better times. Why can't he go to the gym after dinner in the evening or buy an expertise bike / cross trainer for your home? That way you can both use it and you won't be left alone in the house.

PtolemysNeedle · 12/03/2015 08:28

YANBU to think he shouldn't go to the gym in the morning if it means he's going to wake the baby, but the baby waking early won't last forever, so maybe your DH needs to make a temporary change of time for going to the gym.

If he says he's too tired to go at the end of the day, then he'll have some idea how you feel.

DecaffTastesWeird · 12/03/2015 08:31

*exercise bike. Wtf is an expertise bike?!

Nunyabiz · 12/03/2015 08:33

YADNBU. I am currently fuming that my husband, who is self employed and can decide if and when he wants to go into the office, is currently sleeping in for the 3rd morning in a row, while i have been up since 5am. Why should mums never have a chance to clock off? Why is their time their time and our time is whoever wants to take a piece of us? Men need to learn to prioritise and out their family ahead of all else. All.

Nunyabiz · 12/03/2015 08:36

Just realised i said 'men need to' and i know this is a massive generalisation, but i am just so sick of hearing this same old stereotype. It's exhausting and unfair and mentally draining. Some men really need to consider someone other than themselves, and not just as a treat, but for the sake of their family.

Jackiebrambles · 12/03/2015 08:42

I don't know what an expertise bike is Decaff but I want one!!

ThatBloodyWoman · 12/03/2015 08:42

I think he's being incredibly selfish.
Incredibly selfish.

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