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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP is selfish for going to the gym?

75 replies

AlmondAmy · 12/03/2015 07:29

DP usually works away and has access to the gym in his hotel. When he is closer to home he's started leaving two hours earlier than he needs to (at 5.30 am) to go to the gym, too. This wakes the baby without fail meaning I also have to be up from 5.30. We have a 2 yo with additional needs too who is up anything up to 20 times per night, will only accept me and doesn't nap in the day as well as an older DD to ferry to school/activities so the amount of sleep/rest I get is minimal.

Before baby was born I planned that I'd get up at 7 so I'd be able to have ashower while he watched the baby before he left. Now I can't do that and have to take baby in the bathroom with me and do everything while he's out until 6.30 pm. He then washes up before falling asleep by 8 pm.

Aibu to think he's selfish for doing this? He completely opts out of helping out in any way on work days then at weekends the dc won't accept him anyway as he hehas no idea about their needs and routine so he gets those off too.

OP posts:

Jackiebrambles · 12/03/2015 08:44

OP you definitely need to make a plan to take some time for yourself so you can have a break. Even if its just going to a coffee shop for a slice of cake and a read of your book in peace for 2 hours on the weekend when he's in charge.

When my DH goes off to play footie on a saturday sometimes (thankfully, rarely!) then I always take some time for myself later that weekend. And he understands that this is fair. Its not about point scoring but just protecting both of your 'me time'.

QTPie · 12/03/2015 08:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

pillowaddict · 12/03/2015 08:53

He is being incredibly selfish, it doesn't matter that the reason for not engaging in family life is a 'healthy' one. There are different ways that he could be keeping fit that don't involve him waking the household at 5.30 and leaving you to do all the work - he could. Take the baby for a run in the buggy at that time which leaves you to sleep, before coming back to get involved with other dc's routine for example. This would be a serious deal breaker for me if my dh had no compassion for my sleep deprivation and had no interest in looking after his own children.

Quitelikely · 12/03/2015 08:54

Please, please do not stand for this.

What sort of life and relationship have you got?

If I was you I would be thoroughly unhappy.

When we have children, new routines need to be created and the adults need to adapt. That means your dp needs to alter his lifestyle to accommodate the fact he has a new baby. Not permanently but temporarily.

I would offer your dp a separation. You have dc Monday to Friday and he has them all weekend. You have no life. This is how you will get one with this selfish man.

notnaice · 12/03/2015 09:01

If he really must go to the gym then he can go at 8pm when it's his time, rather than family time. He won't be so tired as he's not getting up so early, and even if he is too tired, welcome to your world.
Incredibly selfish of him. Bad enough that he's opting out of family life but even worse that he is making your life more difficult by waking the baby as well.

sparklepopsicles · 12/03/2015 09:04

I want an expertise bike too!! And yes he is being selfish. Don't know why he can't creep out the house without waking the baby though but sounds like he is opting out of all parenting. Does he help at weekends? You need to tell him how this is affecting you

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 09:07

YANBU. And it's not 'helping', it's pulling your weight.

Sortmylifeout · 12/03/2015 09:07

Oh I know several men who have suddenly found the motivation to get fit when they have young children.

Aka doing anything they can to get out of the house.

Mrsstarlord · 12/03/2015 09:08

This but struck me as important. I wonder whether you mentioned these plans to him? You don't say. But if you didn't and he wasn't aware, perhaps he also had a plan in his head which he hasn't discussed with you?

Of course what he is doing is selfish, but perhaps he hasn't even considered the impact on everyone else. Maybe you need to tell him about how important it is to have him there as part of the family and how tired you are.

Of course you may have already had these conversations and he is carrying on, in which case ignore me - he is being VU.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 12/03/2015 09:10

Does he do this every day? DH will go to the gym at 6.30am, before work, but on average 3 days per week - one of which is a weekend day.

I think that's probably enough isn't it?

Our youngest DC is also 3.6 years & sleeps reliably well at night, which makes a difference!

3Caramel · 12/03/2015 09:11

I was going to says YABU until I read that your other child has SN. Now I think he's being totally unfair! Of course going to the gym & looking after yourself is important, but you should get a chance to do this too, and not have to miss out on much needed sleep every weekday.

How about suggesting a compromise to him - he can go a couple of morning a week, help you out a couple of mornings, and you go out to the gym / coffee / have a lie in a couple of mornings.

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 12/03/2015 09:39

I can't leave baby while I shower if heiisn't there because of the 2 yo - if she woke up she could hurt baby due to the nature of her needs. He does this every work day so 5 out of 7. Baby is newborn and breastfed and he cannot cope with the 2 yo, 7 yo doesn't want to be left with him so time to myself is nil. I don't resent the kids taking up my time to be honest but I do resent him for being useless and claiming to be a parent when his contribution is zero.

OP posts:

Mrsstarlord · 12/03/2015 09:47

Have you spoken to him about it? Sounds like things are really challenging (I completely get where you are coming from as my DH worked away from home for weeks on end when ours were babies and we had similar struggles when he came back).

Communication was a really important thing for us as he withdrew when he came back as he struggled to work out where he fitted in and felt that the kids didn't want him there because they would come to me rather than him. It wasn't easy because we didn't talk to each other enough and we both made assumptions that created resentment which didn't need to be there. So my advice would be to talk to him, agree a balance of time away for each of you and some time together. Maybe he can buy one of those buggies which people take running?

sleeponeday · 12/03/2015 09:47

He sounds bloody awful, tbh. Spoilt, entitled prick - he's waking you for a day with a baby and toddler, without a minute to yourself, so he can hit the gym? He's using it as an excuse to opt out, it sounds like. You're a person, not a domestic appliance.

CocktailQueen · 12/03/2015 09:47

OP, he is monumentally selfish. Poor you, you must be exhausted. You need to sit him down and tell him that what he's doing is incredibly selfish and useless. He also needs to step up and start playing a part in your family's life - start being a parent!

What would you be happy with? How much do you want him to change?

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 12/03/2015 09:56

I'd be happy if he just didn't add to my load cocktail. I.e. 2 yo had a booster seat with seatbelt at the table, he took it off and made a big deal of her being a big girl who didn't need it, cue her getting up and down from the table all mealtime which isn't helpful when she already barely eats and isn't growing. I replaced it after a few days of this and explained to her it's for her to be safe, she complained but not too much then I go in the kitchen for dinner and he's removed it again! Whenever she starts kicking off he just leaves the room saying he doesn't want to do the wrong thing/make her worse but he doesn't get that that's just opting out and I don't ever get to do that.

OP posts:

notnaice · 12/03/2015 10:08

I bet he lies in, those 2 days at the weekend when he doesn't go to the gym? Definitely don't let him lie in then.

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2015 10:15

He really is neither use nor ornament, is he? Not only does he have no idea of the needs of his own family, he walks out of the room when they're being explained to him.

He sounds completely selfish and tbh I can't see the point of him.

Jackiebrambles · 12/03/2015 10:18

5 days a fucking week??! He's taking the piss OP.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2015 10:23

What a useless article

he can't cope with his own children

what us he for exactly ?

also the problem with "make sure you go out for a coffee" when partnered with selfish lazy fucks like this is that you know all the shitwork will simply be waiting for you when you get home

the issue is him not making time for a solo coffee

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/03/2015 10:24

No idea about the DCs' routine? Spell it out to him. Write it down.

I am surprised he managed to make time in his busy busy life to impregnate you.

knittingirl · 12/03/2015 10:24

He is taking the mickey.

Your 7yo won't want to spend time with him UNTIL he spends time with them - it has to come from the parent first.

The booster seat at the table issue is ridiculous - you need to be clear with him that he cannot make rules in the house that will be left for you to enforce, which he hasn't discussed with you. By the sounds of it he's only around for mealtimes at the weekend, he can't make an arbitrary decision on his own which affects your entire week.

You need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion, preferably after the kids are in bed. He needs to know that you need some serious support here. He needs to put in some effort to actually get to know his kids, and then he won't need to be afraid of "doing the wrong thing".

championnibbler · 12/03/2015 10:26

does he want out, do you think?
it sounds like me might.
was he keen to start a family in the first place?
he does sound very selfish, maybe he is gearing up to bail on you all.

TheCowThatLaughs · 12/03/2015 10:27

The thing with the booster seat, he must be doing that just to piss you off! Does he do anything else like that?

Chchchchange · 12/03/2015 10:31

He sounds like a dreadful partner, I'm not sure how you don't utterly resent him every mi ute of every day. It's immensely selfish, you must be so tired. I just want to give you a big hug, someone should be taking care of you too, and shouldering the load!

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