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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP is selfish for going to the gym?

75 replies

AlmondAmy · 12/03/2015 07:29

DP usually works away and has access to the gym in his hotel. When he is closer to home he's started leaving two hours earlier than he needs to (at 5.30 am) to go to the gym, too. This wakes the baby without fail meaning I also have to be up from 5.30. We have a 2 yo with additional needs too who is up anything up to 20 times per night, will only accept me and doesn't nap in the day as well as an older DD to ferry to school/activities so the amount of sleep/rest I get is minimal.

Before baby was born I planned that I'd get up at 7 so I'd be able to have ashower while he watched the baby before he left. Now I can't do that and have to take baby in the bathroom with me and do everything while he's out until 6.30 pm. He then washes up before falling asleep by 8 pm.

Aibu to think he's selfish for doing this? He completely opts out of helping out in any way on work days then at weekends the dc won't accept him anyway as he hehas no idea about their needs and routine so he gets those off too.

OP posts:

TheSingingMonkey · 12/03/2015 10:40

OP all I can say is that it's time you kicked him up the backside. Do not tolerate this any longer.

AlmaMartyr · 12/03/2015 11:51

YANBU, he sounds incredibly selfish and is opting out of family life. I realise the thread has moved on a bit but I'm a gym addict and DH likes to exercise and we make sure that it doesn't impact on family time. I'd be livid in your shoes.

TheSingingMonkey · 12/03/2015 12:00

Does he play any part in family life at all? Why is he even there? He sounds useless. I bet you wouldn't even notice if he wasn't around. I can't get over how some men jus carry on as if their life hasn't changed. It's utterly selfish.

Plarail123 · 12/03/2015 12:05

YANBU he is selfish.

nunkspugget · 12/03/2015 13:09

This sounds exhausting. Nothing makes a hard day harder knowing the other parent is living it up at the gym, having actual lunch breaks and alone time in the toilet. I assume you are going to stop doing a hands turn of work that only benefits him, ie his laundry, cooking extra for him etc.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 13:23

'also the problem with "make sure you go out for a coffee" when partnered with selfish lazy fucks like this is that you know all the shitwork will simply be waiting for you when you get home'

And she's exhausted. Go for a coffee and a slice of cake is right up there with book a spa day when you're exhausted and have a useless partner who does FA. He won't 'take charge' he will sit and do nothing.

Morelikeguidelines · 12/03/2015 13:33

You should definitely make yourself go out at weekends so he is stuck with kids and has to learn. Teach him routines etc first if he is receptive but if not still go.

Why can't he get up early without waking baby and toddler? Would it help if baby was in another room? going to gym is not per second unreasonable but I can't see why he can't get up quietly.

He should cut down to 2 or 3 times a week so as to help you if this would help.

He can do any night waking with baby as baby has presumably not yet learnt to "only accept you".

I agree with others - put baby in cot while you shower as no harm will come.

Dh can do more than washing up in the eve - he can put school child and or baby to bed even if you middle one needs the familiarity of being with you. He doesn't need bed at 8 (my dh tries this one).

Can you get any more help with your middle child as 20 times per night would kill anyone even if dh was pulling his weight?

mewkins · 12/03/2015 13:41

Yanbu and how have you put up with this??? He is acting like he doesn't have children and responsibilities. If he wants to go to tye gym he could go at lunchtime or even after work would probably be less stressful to you. And you need to go out in he evenings/weekends to get some time to yourself.

WipsGlitter · 12/03/2015 13:44

I know what you are saying expat but going out does give you a breather imo and you can recharge a bit to face things when you go back. Also even if her husband doesn't interact with the kids you do realise that they will all still be alive when you get back and maybe that will give the OP the confidence to leave them a bit more often.

Having said all that five mornings going to the gym at 5.30 seems excessive!

mewkins · 12/03/2015 14:27

It's a very convenient fitness regime that gets you away from helping get three children up and ready for the day.

Rainbunny · 12/03/2015 15:00

Basically I would tell him to sleep on the sofa so he doesn't disturb people getting up. Also agree that you should leave him to deal with the kids on the weekend. If you are not physically there he will have to learn to cope and you will not be there to witness it and therefore stress about how he should be doing it, he'll figure his own way of doing things.

crazykat · 12/03/2015 15:10

Going to the gym in itself isn't selfish. However the way he's doing it is very selfish.

He needs to realise he has children and they come first. He needs to start doing his share of the childcare so that the childreb will accept him to give you a break.

If he wants to go to the gym he should go after the kids are in bed, after giving you a hand with bedtime. If he's too tired at this point then he needs to stop going. My dh has just started lifting weights and he goes to the gym for an hour once our dcs are in bed, he has a very physical job but still helps me out before the gym.

sleeponeday · 13/03/2015 05:19

It's a very convenient fitness regime that gets you away from helping get three children up and ready for the day.

You know, I think I could do with losing some baby weight. I'm almost certain it would make me a better wife and mother if I worked out at those exact times every single working day. Maybe I should explain this to DH and suggest a similar arrangement?

BictoriaVeckham · 13/03/2015 05:50

What do you want out of this OP?

Sit him down after the kids are in bed and tell him. It's about shared responsibility, equal time off and 'me' time and parenting together off the same hymn sheet.

10 hours a week at the gym is great, if he hasn't got other responsibilities like children and a home, but that's a lot of time which ultimately you should have too.

Propose you will be out 6.30-8.30 every night to make it fair? I'm sure he'll see your point then.

Ooooooooh · 13/03/2015 06:44

If he wasn't waking the kids in the morning and if he was also doing some form of childcare daily for an hour, going to the gym daily would be ok. You could just shower in the evening.

My DH is out 6 till 7 for work so has no contact with the kids during the week. Thre days a week I go to the gym at 7pm while he does the bedtime routine. I get a small break and he bonds with the kids.

Ooooooooh · 13/03/2015 06:59

In your shoes I'd probably set the alarm for 5 and leave the house myself at 5.30 just as he's getting up so he can do the morning routine. Id read the papers and have a nice cooked breakfast in peace, returning at 9am

MiddleAgedandConfused · 13/03/2015 08:29

I like Ooooooooh's arrangement to go to the gym.

Make plans to go out over teatime several days a week and leave him to it.

notnaice · 13/03/2015 11:17

Have you talked to him about it yet, op?

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 13/03/2015 11:59

i saw one of your comments about "so i wont get it wrong" can you be a bit "this is how we are doing it, this is the only way, stop it you are doing it wrong"? rather than explaining why you do things your way, the booster seat seems a good example.

meandjulio · 13/03/2015 23:41

It does sound like a vicious circle, he backs away from doing parenting tasks as he's ?afraid of getting it 'wrong', and has less and less connection with his family as a result.

I am amazed that anyone can get up without waking a baby, ds would wake if I so much as moved my eyelashes.

I don't really see why you have to be reasonable - in your shoes I would seriously consider slashing his tyres so he couldn't get to the gym at all - but I would precipitate a bit of a crisis. Show a bit of your despair and say to him that you just don't feel you can go on like this. Ask him how he is feeling and whether he is happy, enjoying parenting etc - because he's not showing it. You have to find some solutions together. It sounds as if the booster seat thing was a clumsy effort to do some parenting by someone who hasn't got a clue. It's amazing that he's a father of 3.

Rafflesway · 13/03/2015 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 13/03/2015 23:58

Ask him. Ask him when you are going to get hours to yourself. Ask him how you're meant to feel when your children's other parent doesn't even know their routine. Ask him how he thinks he'd cope if you were ever in an accident and stuck in hospital? And how you could possibly have an easy mind when your children would be being looked after by someone who has never done it?

But mostly ask him when you are going to get your time off.

HelenaDove · 14/03/2015 00:18

Gt post Jux.

Taytocrisps · 14/03/2015 09:07

YANBU but you're facilitating him. I had similar issues with DH in that he was spending a lot of time on his hobbies/outside interests. He's a great Dad when he is here but he was spending less and less time at home at weekends. I had to sit him down and tell him that it's not acceptable for him to spend so much time on his hobbies/outside interests and that I was starting to feel like a single parent. I also told him that he was being very selfish. I pointed out that our DD won't be small forever and he's missing out on precious time with her. He was a bit shocked but could see that I had very strong feelings about it all. I told him he could cancel all plans for the following weekend as I was going shopping and meeting up with friends. After that we worked out a compromise. You need to work out an agreement with your DH. It might be gym two mornings a week and once at the weekend. Or it might be two evenings a week and once at the weekend.

It sounds like he doesn't have a great relationship with the children but if you're there 24/7 he's going to sit back and leave it all to you. And the kids are going to look to you if you're there because that's what they've become accustomed to. Take off for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday. Go shopping or go for a massage (you can fall asleep on the massage table) or go for a coffee or meet up with friends. Claim back a bit of time for yourself. Could he take the kids out to the park or playcentre for an hour or two at weekends so you could have a little nap? It sounds like there's a lot of resentment (on your part) at the moment and that's not healthy for your relationship. Also, the uneven parenting roles is a very bad example for your kids to witness.

TwoOddSocks · 14/03/2015 10:42

YANBU. and chrome why is him going to the gym important when obviously the OP would have no opportunity to go to the gym herself? If the baby won't wake forever then he can forge the gym until the baby stops waking.

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