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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go to the wedding

335 replies

scb2021 · 10/03/2015 23:13

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 11/03/2015 19:02

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Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 11/03/2015 19:03

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Cantbelievethisishappening · 11/03/2015 19:09

Just keep your expectations pretty low for the time he's away and make sure you get a break afterwards.

I suspect those married into the armed forces would be laughing their heads off at this comment alone.
It's three days FFS, not three months.

expatinscotland · 11/03/2015 19:14

He's not off in the wars, he's swanning off on another jolly with money they cannot afford.

minipie · 11/03/2015 19:18

Quite expat. If it was a work commitment it would be completely different. OP has agreed to do all childcare necessary to cover her DH's job (and it sounds like that is a lot). This is not a work commitment.

CalleighDoodle · 11/03/2015 19:20

Yabu. They are your children. Learn to cope.

Original poster
scb2021 · 11/03/2015 19:20

Actually he is away quite a bit for work - in France and the U.S. but isn't that different? That's work and obviously I have no problem with that.

OP posts:
TheFullGammon · 11/03/2015 19:23

OP you sound sane and balanced, which is quite an achievement with a 3 month old! I have to say the MIL coming to 'help' would be my idea of hell. I'd rather have a couple of duvet days or at least not feel pressured to get us all dressed before lunch, cater for a guest etc etc. Depends heavily on your MIL of course.

Longer term I would watch the pattern - if he is regularly swanning off and it's one sided, sort it out. Don't get to the stage of Iagree where he's asking female relatives to take time off rather than take it himself. I'm sorry,that's just awful.

HairyHandedFucker · 11/03/2015 19:24

The time off and the event wouldn't bother me so much as the expense. That's a lot of money, if you have to borrow (or have it gifted) from MIL.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 11/03/2015 19:33

Let him go!.... Let him go, ..let him gooooooo!"

Maybe he should take one child? Mother has other two so you have totally free weekend?
Failing that He should pack you off to lovely spa weekend next weekend
Sorry we are all ganging up, asking his mum was nice ( unless you can't stand her?)
Best of luck xx

Cantbelievethisishappening · 11/03/2015 19:41

You have missed the point somewhat expat

Perhaps OP you need to decide what the issue is.... is it money, is it him going to a wedding (so having fun) or is it because you can't cope for the weekend he is away.... ??

This comment That's work and obviously I have no problem with that. would indicate that you are pissed off he is going to the wedding of his oldest friend and you are left at home with the kids.

You are ok when it is work but not when it is a wedding.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/03/2015 19:44

Given how little time he spends with his children already, I think it's pretty shit of him to be fucking off yet again and leaving his family, that he chose to have, is responsible for, and is supposed to love, back home in his wake.

That's an awful lot of jollies for a man with such small children.

Particularly one who is away from them frequently for work.

Most parents who have to spend lots of time away from their children aren't constantly finding reasons to be away from them when they have a choice.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/03/2015 19:47

Travel for work - necessary, good for the family

Travel abroad for parties when you have 2 toddlers and a baby - taking the fucking piss, mate. How about being an actual Dad?

expatinscotland · 11/03/2015 19:47

I did not such thing, Cant. They cannot afford for him to swan off on yet another jolly. She is struggling, but to him, another jolly is more important.

That's twatish. That's what's pissing her off.

minipie · 11/03/2015 19:53

Cant - what Bathtime said.

Work trips are ok - OP will manage, albeit with difficulty - because they are necessary for the DH to keep his job which is what supports the family. Also they're probably not across an entire weekend.

This is the DH going away by choice, for fun.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 11/03/2015 19:56

I'd tell him to piss off.

You can't afford it. You need him to pull his weight in his free time. Life ain't a party when you have three small children to look after.

He is just a grooms man = a spectator .

Whatsonemore · 11/03/2015 19:58

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Whatsonemore · 11/03/2015 19:59

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DejaVuAllOverAgain · 11/03/2015 20:05

What would piss me off about this is the fact he discussed it with his mum before the OP. That's disrespectful and if I was looking at being left with 3 young children for a weekend I'd be the one to choose who was there to support me and it wouldn't be my ex-mil.

There's also a difference between a work trip that presumably is mid week and a jolly that's over the weekend.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 11/03/2015 20:07

Wrt to the cost, mil has offered to pay the flight cost and possibly hotel but what about the rest of it? Will he be expected to pay for his suit? What about food and drink and all those other costs that seem to arise? Is mil paying for all that too?

expatinscotland · 11/03/2015 20:25

In the US, groomsmen are expecting to pay the cost of their tuxedo and shoe rental. And yy, he'll need spends.

wanttosqueezeyou · 11/03/2015 20:39

Why is his mum paying for this trip?

Is she paying for a family holiday too?

SpanishMoss · 11/03/2015 20:40

Of course he should go. You don't have to work full time,with a completely absent DH.

frumpet · 11/03/2015 20:44

I think I understand where you are coming from , I woke up at 6.30 on Sunday morning and realised that I wouldn't get the opportunity for a lie in again for a fortnight and I had a little cry and my youngest is at school !
Three under three must be incredibly hard work and very Groundhog day like and I imagine you are counting the minutes and hours between weekends .
I personally would let DH go , I am not a super cool wife, but I would expect the same from him if the tables were turned .
Do you know how the conversation went with his Mother ? Perhaps he was having a little moan about not being able to go as he couldn't afford it and she offered to pay for him and offered to help out while he was gone , so less devious , more a problem solving Mother ?

AlPacinosHooHaa · 11/03/2015 21:21

BathtimeFunkster Wed 11-Mar-15 08:54:29

Totally agree with you.

Op My heart sinks when Dh starts off " have we got anything planned for so and so" because its not going to be, " darling, I saw tickets for x and brought them for you!" its ...." x wants to go out, so thats cool yeah?" I have never said NO, I wouldnt begrudge him, but my goodness its miserable for me.

What it means like you op, is I get zilch time off at weekends which to me are my days off.

Even though of course they are not really. Your still on the job very much even with an extra pair of hands and eyes.

Unless you are at home with your DC ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT every day and every single hours its very hard to make people understand how hard it is.

It would have been nice for him to have turned this down, however he wants to go and has put you in a horrible position because he will resent not going.

i agree with plans to have time off before and after - NON NEGOTIABLE. I also think you need to leave him to the DC for a weekend, without his mothers help, so he gets a reality dose of sole career to three small dc.