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Original poster

To not want my husband to go to the wedding

335 replies

scb2021 · 10/03/2015 23:13

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 21:38

alpacino
Spot on.

expatinscotland · 11/03/2015 21:55

Why do you put up with that shit, al?

'No, it's not cool. Not at all. We never go out together. I never get a day off. You'd rather hang out with your friends than us. That tears me up. It's unfair and I feel rejected and miserable.'

sqibble · 11/03/2015 23:18

I think it's nice to try and hang on to friendships over that difficult period when dc are small. I don't know how close the friend is, but it could be a bit of a deal breaker on the friendship if dh didn't make their wedding.

Solution, as others say, would be either he takes a couple of days off before he goes and does sole childcare to give you a break. Or you accept help from someone else whilst he's away.

I didn't have three under five and god help dh if he was ten minutes late home from work. I do know what you mean to some extent.

Carriemac · 11/03/2015 23:28

YANBU. Get a sitter have a girls night out. Loan a weekend wash with DH and get mil to cover. In the nicest possible way, get a life

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 11/03/2015 23:30

That's another thing I don't get. Surely, if the friendship is that close then the friend should understand if the OP's DH couldn't make it Confused Friendship should work both ways.

OP I think you and your DH need to have a serious discussion about this and weigh up the pros and cons of him going, and possible solutions to give you extra support if he does go. Also look at extra support on a regular basis during the week which may help you feel more able to cope/less exhausted until the children get a little older.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 11/03/2015 23:37

Sounds to me like this is a combinations of several things, none of them huge, but together they add up to the trip not working:

  1. He can afford to go, but you can't afford for both of you to go. So you miss out on a trip and on that money which could be used for family holidays/fun.
  2. Sounds like he regularly goes away with work and family leaving you to hold the fort.
  3. Asking the MIL to stay in advance of talking to you shows he KNEW that this was crossing a line.
  4. He is relying on you to grit your teeth and smile and say 'It's OK - please go!' If you don't - you're the bad guy.

The end result? He gets to go the the US - you get a weekend with MIL!

In an ideal world, is going to the US for a few days without you a big deal? No.

But this is not an ideal world, so actually - it IS a big deal.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/03/2015 06:16

Yy. middleagedandconfused
Especially 3 and 4

Sunbeam18 · 12/03/2015 06:38

I can't believe people are suggesting that the OP wants to go to the wedding too - she doesn't! She just doesn't want to be dumped with all the childcare for days on end. And anyone suggesting the whole family go is mad - £6000 for 4 days, two of them travelling. Two needless long-haul flights in four days for three very young children would be cruel never mind anything else.
OP, I think that 1) your DH needs to give you regular time off that you can look forward to, and 2) that you get some outside help on a weekly basis

Joyfulldeathsquad · 12/03/2015 07:51

Yeah op you get a life. You have a girls night out while your 'd'p swans off to America. Don't worry that he can scrape the cash together for a lads holiday but not for a family one because you can have a nice girly night out. Lambrini anyone? Hmm

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/03/2015 10:49

But joyfull the poor lamb will hae those tiring flights. Hmm

stormtreader · 12/03/2015 12:16

I think people are being a teeny bit unfair to the DH here - it sounds to me like he didnt say "ive already asked the MIL to stay, she'll arrive friday night", he asked if she COULD help IN CASE the OP said yes. He was thinking about how to source help for her before asking, was that wrong? Id rather that than a last-minute "I guess maybe we could see if my mum is free, she might be if youre lucky..."

Its also not family money as such that is paying for it, his mum has offered to pay for him, theres no option to say "Weve decided im not going, we'll just take a cheque for the money, thanks". This isnt family savings that could be spent on something else, its an offer of a funded trip or nothing.

OP I notice youve said that you cant manage without help (totally understandable!) but you seem to be focused on that help being from HIM ONLY, it really sounds like youd benefit from looking into other longer-term support options to help you out - hes not available a lot because hes working to earn money, so some of that money should maybe go on funding the help he cant contribute right now.

BathtimeFunkster · 12/03/2015 12:22

Is his mother paying for the flight?

Or is she going to cover his hotel, suit hire, and all spending money?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/03/2015 13:03

Hmm. I think he should be aware tht his wife is struggling. And just decline. Not put op in the position where she would have to be the bad guy for saying no.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 12/03/2015 13:06

Hmm. I think he should be aware tht his wife is struggling. And just decline. Not put op in the position where she would have to be the bad guy for saying no
I agree.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 13:14

'I think it's nice to try and hang on to friendships over that difficult period when dc are small. I don't know how close the friend is, but it could be a bit of a deal breaker on the friendship if dh didn't make their wedding.'

When he's got three kids under five, works away a lot, his wife is struggling, the wedding is thousands of miles away and he has to get money from his mother?

That would be a shallow friend.

He will need a few hundred dollars, too. The tux and shoe hire will not be cheap. They will want to go out after the rehearsal dinner.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/03/2015 13:27

I am sort of thinking you should let him go and cope... but then I don't think this friendship will really survive at a close level now the friend is moving to USA, despite OP's DH's business trips there.

This is because - yes, I have friends with East and West Coast USA families (they moved) and it's nigh on impossible for them to meet up, albeit occasionally.

I'd say you going with the baby would be a compromise.

nequidnimis · 12/03/2015 13:35

I can't see what OP's DH has done wrong really - been invited to something he'd really love to attend and discussed it with his mum.

I expect his mum offered to pay, and offered to help with childcare, to facilitate the trip. When he had all his ducks in a row, he broached the subject with OP.

I can understand that having three young children is difficult, and I've been there myself, but it's only four days and there's been lots of good advice here about how to make it easier.

I can't get my head around the argument that he shouldn't go, as presumably he'd do the same if OP was offered a free holiday.

Flipchart · 12/03/2015 13:49

I bet if it was the OP that had been invited to go to a wedding some of the responses on here would be very different!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 12/03/2015 14:29

No - I'd still say the same and have done regarding a hen trip to Portugal. Couldn't afford it. It would have really stuck in my throat jetting off on a expensive holiday paid for by mummy when my family hadn't even had a trip to bloody Blackpool for the day.
And - to the postefs than say "ooh book yourself a spa/weekend away" with what?? Is mummy supposed to pay for that too?

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 12/03/2015 15:12

It would have really stuck in my throat jetting off on a expensive holiday paid for by mummy when my family hadn't even had a trip to bloody Blackpool for the day

This ^

AlPacinosHooHaa · 12/03/2015 15:16

expat

'No, it's not cool. Not at all. We never go out together. I never get a day off. You'd rather hang out with your friends than us. That tears me up. It's unfair and I feel rejected and miserable.'

Because there is no one to look after our DC and dh doesn't have that many friends so I wouldnt begrudge him going out a few times, its just been unfortunate it also coincided with a work trip etc.

i dont feel rejected and miserable I just feel trapped and miserable and thats not because he goes out occasionally. its just the way things are at the moment.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 12/03/2015 15:17

I bet if it was the OP that had been invited to go to a wedding some of the responses on here would be very different!

yes I would be saying go go go , leave dc and have a break, DH is not getting a break is he, he is getting another very expensive paid for break.

nequidnimis · 12/03/2015 15:51

Maybe DH's mum thinks he is deserving of a break since he works full time and spends the rest of the time helping to care for the DC, even if some on here don't agree.

Maybe she could see how much he wanted it, and decided to do everything she could to make it happen.

I hope I'm in a position to do that for DS when he's an adult.

I don't understand why accepting a generous gift from his mum is morally wrong - if he doesn't go on the trip it isn't available for a family holiday, it's withdrawn.

I think that, in a relationship, you should want to support the other person if they've been given a wonderful opportunity, even if it's a pain in the arse to you, or if you don't see the appeal yourself.

Obviously OP should be able to do the same when an opportunity arises.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 15:57

Jesus wept! Poor darling, having to work full-time after chosing to have three children. Cannot imagine enabling my adult son who chose to have three children close together to go on a fucking jolly - wonderful opportunity, my arse! - and leave his exhausted wife at home.

BathtimeFunkster · 12/03/2015 16:15

Imagine having a mother in law who interfered in your life to the extent of paying for her son to take holidays away from you and your children.

Confused

I just can't imagine in a million years my parents paying for my brother's flights for his third jolly in less than 6 months while his wife was left at home with two toddlers and a baby.

If my brother came to them looking looking for support in browbeating his wife into going along with it they'd tell him to be a man and look after the family he chose to have and barely sees.

I just can't get my head around all this bollocks about "opportunities" and "once in a lifetime".

Your own wedding might be once in a lifetime (if you actually bother to be a supportive and decent spouse), but you will get hundreds of "opportunities" to go to other people's weddings.

I lose patience when my 6 year old goes on this way about missing a party. But, you know, he's 6.