To not want my husband to go to the wedding

[scb2021]

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

I would also look into other things that will make your life easier while he's away such as M and S ready meals in the fridge or batch cooking stuff for you and the children before he goes. Netflix or DVDs so you and the children have something to watch, maybe a new toy to keep the older two occupied etc

And relax any healthy eating/ screen time limiting rules while he is away and do no housework at all

A huge yawn to all those who have described the far more arduous situations they have dealt with stoically and survived and used them as justification that anything less should be 'sucked up'.

£1500 for 3 nights??!! Sounds like a lot of money...

Will you be having a family holiday later in the year?

And totally agree with what bathtime said
My relationship isn't transactional. It doesn't have to be, because when I've been overwhelmed my DH hasn't been making solo holiday plans.

What's the point of being married if you can't cling to your spouse when you think you might be about to go under?

I think that you are focusing on the wrong thing, I think that it's not so much about that you won't cope, it's that you aren't coping. Having 3 under 3 is hard work, I know from experience ( now aged 5,4,2 and 1) My oh is armed forces and he went away for 4 months when I found out I was pregnant with no4, I was left with a 3yo, 2yo and a 6 month old and I didn't think that I could do it. I didn't have any support nearby either. The biggest thing that helped me was having a routine, so if you don't already I'd recommend trying to establish some kind of routine for all the kids, start with one thing at a time, e.g bedtime then when you can do it, move on.
You sound really exhausted, which may be clouding your judgement. Please bear in mind that your littlest will probably be a better sleeper by July.

YABU!

Yes, asking him to fill the freezer with healthy meals you can stick in the oven would also help you to feel less overwhelmed.

A huge yawn to all those who have described the far more arduous situations they have dealt with stoically and survived and used them as justification that anything less should be 'sucked up'.

I hope I didn't imply that - I was just trying to give tips on what did help me - not implying that the OP was unreasonable. Though my reading is that DH is going and OP now has to cope.

I'm also not saying it easy - I remember a few really awful times though thankfully most of time it was more straightforward than I thought going into it.

YANBU

DH's old friend is getting married in Russia in August. I will have a toddler and a 4 month old - so 1 less than you - and money is not an issue. DH has not even suggested that he will be going to the wedding. His time off is limited (he also works long hours) and it is taken as read that that limited time is spent with his family.

When DD was a baby there were several weddings we missed. It just wasn't feasible.

IMO when you are having a tough time at home - which clearly you are - any extended periods of "me time" for either parent are off the table, and that includes weddings. You need each others' support whenever you can get it.

YANBU. It's a wedding, not a conference to secure world peace. PMSL at the idea this man is 'heroic' for going on a few flights in a few days. Give the boy a medal.

Family comes before friends always.

He needs money from your MIL to afford it. That means he cannot afford it.

He fancies going on a jolly.

That's fucking selfish.

I understand completely the dread of having a whole weekend to fill when you've had a hard week and know you won't have a break. I have 2 dd's so can only imagine the increased workload from another dc.. but the wedding is 4 months away, sleep may have improved, it will hopefully be sunny etc.

When my dds were small and dh was away I planned easy meals, had some structure to the day - meet a friend etc, and in the afternoon put the tv on!

How are things usually? If you are struggling generally maybe you need to talk to your dh about how to give you a regular break. You need time to yourself even if it is for an hour while he takes them to the park.

family come before friends when its the Male of the realontionship but not so for the female partner.

Look at the rest of mumsnets if its the blokes family (parents siblings and friends) comes second place to his partner/ wifes

but the advice given to mothers / females here is friends and her family is the proity.

Can you imainge if the genders where revesred there would be an upproar that he was a controlling twat for stop her from going to a close friends wedding (if money wasnt a issue which its not here) and the bloke should man up and deal with the children but sinces its the mother complaining peoples opinion is that shes allowed to dictate if he can go see his close friends wedding

The thing is, every situation and every person is different.
Some of us, sometimes, might be happy to wave our dp off for such a thing. And some of us, sometimes, might not.
Its ok, imo, to want him not to go.
As someone else said it's a wedding, not a peace summit.
I don't think there is anything intrinsically unreasonable with him wanting to go or op wanting him not to go. But I think, given the obvious stress on op atm, that it's a bit thouhtless of her dh to arrange this trip.
And yes, maybe it was a considerate thing to arrange hel from his DM but I think it feels a bit undehand todiscuss it all with her before talking to op. Like he set it up so it could be presented as a fait a complit. (Sp?)
Of course she will cope. There are times when is tough. And there are times e enjoy the space from each other.
But it is not unreasonable to not want him to go.
I would not leave my dh with the kids to go on a break like that.

No way, he can't afford it its that simple, unless mil fancies funding a family holiday too

If anyone else mentions a fucking spa day in response to the dh going away for a week to America I will blow a lid. I also don't see anyone mentioning the op going away on holiday with her friends for the same value.

Totally sexist bunch of responses, if my dp had gone behind my back like this I would not be very happy at all.

YABU.

It's a few days away, in four months time!
There is AMPLE time to organise childcare / help as needed and he has even started the ball rolling by asking his mother if she would be available should you need her.

Are you sure you're not just a teensy bit jealous that he might have a few childfree days away to enjoy himself?

Totally disagree worridmum. First, I think a lot of posters wouldn't be supportive of a woman going away from her

Yy minipie

YABVU
Its 3/4 days
You'll manage.

it's his friends wedding - 4 days - I think it's unreasonable to say no

thats a slipery slope isnt it minipie imainge if the OP wanted to go out drinking with her mates / hen do in auguest would she need the premission of her husband to go as its her responseabilty for childcare and hes not happy to do it solo etc

rightly he would be told he cant stop her etc and should step up etc

Yes you are... Having said that, I feel for you.

Any chance he could take a day or two off during the twelve day stretch?

Thank you minipie for actually listening and getting it! I'm not trying to dictate to him at all - I'm not some tragic, desperate housewife who can't stand not to have DH around. I had a good career and we decided I would stay at home to look after the three young children that we chose to have together but that we'd share childcare wherever possible. DH has freedom to go to many social functions I can't attend - four or five office Christmas parties when I was heavily pregnant, a stag do in November, an overseas trip to a family do in two weeks time. But it is incredibly hard looking after three small children and it's something we took on together (when he isn't at work). Lots of posters have given good advice about getting time off either side and getting ready meals in but I find it incredible that I'm made to feel like some sort of desperate loony because I'd rather he didn't leave me with his mother (who is nice enough but I think it would have been appropriate for him to ask me whether I'd be willing to spend a weekend with her before he asked her to stay - do people actually want to spend a long weekend with their MIL after doing all week on their own?!). Anyway, I didn't come on here looking for people to tell me how right I am and how awful DH is, and there have been some great posts with useful advice and balanced views (for which I thank you) but some of you are incredibly strange - to make me sound like I'm pathetic for not just waving him off to a mate's wedding while I struggle with the kids is a bit extreme.

Bullshit, worrid, the response would be exactly the same if a man posted how much he was struggling and she decided to swan off on a fucking jolly (because that is exactly what this) that she couldn't afford without a parent giving money for it (possibly borrowed).

Could you arrange something to do with you and the dcs?

Do yum have any friends/family with whom you could maybe go away somewhere fun and child friendly for the weekend?

Or at least arrange some outings: even when I can't be be bothered really, I find the days are better with something to do.

I think YABU; it's only a weekend, and maybe if you try to look in it differently it won't seem so very bad.

Yes, OP, anything to enable this bloke to swan off on yet another jolly . Have you booked a spa day yet?

worrid yes, she would need her DH's permission to go out drinking with her mates or on a hen do. That's fair.

IMO Parent 1 always needs Parent 2's permission to go off and do something which means Parent 2 is in sole charge. Always. Whether Parent 1 is the mum or the dad.

Now, it would be unreasonable if Parent 2 always said no, so that parent 1 could never have any child free time.

But that's not the case here - the OP has listed loads of occasions where her DH goes off and does fun stuff leaving her in sole charge. (Hopefully her DH gives her some time off in return for these occasions...) But this trip is a step too far in her opinion and that's entirely reasonable.