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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go to the wedding

335 replies

scb2021 · 10/03/2015 23:13

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
Flipchart · 11/03/2015 09:01

What's depressing is the constant reinforcement of the idea that women exist to make men's lives easier.

Whose on about women making men's life easier?Confused
We are talking about a planned event over 4 and half months away where the DH has tried to find support. It is for one weekend. Not every week for until the kids are 18!
Some people need to get a grip.

Who knows what time out the OP is going to need or want in the future. This is what I mean about give and take.

Nanny0gg · 11/03/2015 09:03

For those still having a go at the OP:
That is a great idea about him taking extra time off. I really regretted asking the question after being told that I was giving SAHM's a bad name for not wanting him to go (!) but actually the more balanced responses have been incredibly helpful so thank you very much. I will send him off with good grace but ask him to take a day off either side so I get some time away and I will chuck some money at the problem while he is away and get a bit of help with the kids.

Failedspinster · 11/03/2015 09:05

Bloody hell, some of these comments are mad.

Of course generally you would want your partner to be able to attend the wedding of a good friend. But if you can't really afford for him to go, and you are struggling with three small children anyway, then it wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest that the timing is wrong. It doesn't make you clingy to say "not right now", it just means you're being honest about your ability to cope. Which is very sensible. As the children get older, of course it will become more practical for you both to take the odd weekend away.

If you feel unable to manage alone right now, then no quantity of other people telling you how they coped fine in similar circumstances should guilt you into saying otherwise - no matter how good their intentions. Definitely arrange some help for you if he does decide to go. Maybe a friend or relative of yours if you'd prefer it wasn't your MIL. Once my DH had to work a weekend including evenings when DS1 was new, and my cousin stayed with us which worked out really well :)

I must say though, if him going on this do means you won't get a family holiday this year I would totally veto it. It's an astronomical cost for a mate's wedding that only one person gets to go to.

cestlavielife · 11/03/2015 09:07

OP get some help in place now during the week. Pay for some help. au pair cleaner whatever. Or have Mil every week for 2 x 6 Hours. Tuesday and Thursday. Get paid help on now for next few months or you will crash and burn. one weekend on your own should be manageable with help so long as you don't over stretch during the week.

Flipchart · 11/03/2015 09:08

No one was having a go at the OP, just offering opinions..
We know she came back with that comment but people, including myself still like to debate and talk about other opinions on the subject.
Nowt wrong with that.

Failedspinster · 11/03/2015 09:11

Agree with cestlavie - get some help. Maybe pay a daytime babysitter if family can't help that regularly, just to come and give you a break.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 11/03/2015 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsfuzzy · 11/03/2015 09:18

sorr if i'm being a bit thick [only had three cups of coffee so far, how is op and family so strapped for cash, if her dh does such long hours ? also if mil is paying for her ds to go, why does that affect the family finances ? as for mil not paying for the whole family to go, why should she ? it's her money after all.

mrsfuzzy · 11/03/2015 09:19

fairy, you makes some very good points.

LittleBearPad · 11/03/2015 09:36

I agree a name change? You're allowed to post as you wish.

You didn't ask your husband to stay home and he rang ypur mother and his to see if they could help out today. The bastard Hmm.

Iagreewithyou202 · 11/03/2015 09:36

Fairy I do agree with you. I am going back, but I have to find a new job really as my boss has been utterly vile to me. Problem is he is being an arse about a reference (he didn't actually appoint me as he got the position whilst I was on maternity leave). No, being a Sahm does not work for me, I have said that from day 1 and I have always been honest about it. No I don't like to ask as I know that he has a job that is difficult to have time off and I don't want him to suffer, I didn't ask anyone to be off, he did and my feeling was that if he was that concerned about how ill I was then he should be the one taking the time. At this point I did ask for him to stay off and I have asked that he try and be home earlier on some days (he is out from 6.30 until 7 most days). Apparently I have forgotten how hard the job is and that he has no choice. As far as I see it, it is a hard and horrible choice to make, but his family still have to come first and today I don't feel he has put us first, instead he has put his credibility first. (He starts a new job in 2 weeks anyway) I do almost all the night feeds but wake him when I really can't cope anymore. My husband is not a bad man, he is supportive at times and I know he loves me dearly, however today I needed him and he wasn't there. I just think it's easy for men to not make the sacrifices sometimes. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood!

broomy123 · 11/03/2015 09:58

OP it sounds like you're having a rough time and I think some of the responses don't take this into account. Whilst I would probably be annoyed with husband asking MIL behind my back too (as I agree it should be discussed with you first as you will be here you should be comfortable with it, although I'm sure he did it with good intentions!) if she's willing to help could she maybe take the eldest over night for some of it? Could she even help out in the week on an ongoing basis as it sounds like you could use it.

If you're like me the problem here is tiredness. You're wiped and therefore it's often hard to think straight. Give it some thought to see if you could make it work. I agree with Flip who said it's all give and take, but I dont think you need to cash it in return so to speak. Just think about if you could make it work as it's a special occasion. If you can't then you shouldn't be criticised for recognising so. Good luck

DecaffTastesWeird · 11/03/2015 10:09

Sorry I think YAB a little bit U. It does sound like you have your hands very full, but with four months notice, could you not enlist help from someone? Even if you don't think your mil would be helpful, maybe someone else? I also don't think asking his mum to potentially help is particularly awful. I would love it if my DH did that!

Could he take some time off the following week to give you a bit of a break?

If it is an old friend I understand why he would want to be at the wedding.

Dowser · 11/03/2015 11:08

I haven't read all of the thread but my twopennorth

If he can afford it without the family finances suffering then he should go

You should get some help in, mil, an older teenager to play with bigger ones, mil etc

Many husbands have to go away on business trips so just see it as that.

It's not a trust issue is it?

PotatoLetters · 11/03/2015 11:40

Yanbu. I'd be livid if Dh did this and I only have 2kids!

LucilleBluth · 11/03/2015 11:45

Why shouldn't he ask MIL to help out, they're her grandchildren, why ask someone else?

Thumbwitch · 11/03/2015 12:40

I don't think the issue is so much that he asked his mother, it's that he asked her before he spoke to the OP about it.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 11/03/2015 12:47

YANBU, Op. Your DH should miss the wedding because you can't afford it and his family need him more than his friends. Your DH sounds selfish if he honestly can't see why you are upset about this.

Hakluyt · 11/03/2015 12:52

Well, if he had been me, I would have checked with my mother first to see if she was available before I raised it with my partner. That just seems sensible. But I'm a uncomplicated soul............

3luckystars · 11/03/2015 12:52

I think you should leave the older two with his mother and go yourself and bring the baby too. Sorry if this has been suggested in every other post too, I havent read every page.

I think you are in the trenches at the moment and cant see that this is a nice thing. You must be shattered, I know how hard it is at home when you are hanging waiting for someone to come home and relieve you. I think you need a break too. Mind yourself and I hope it all works out for you.

Rosieliveson · 11/03/2015 12:56

I know how you feel in looking forward to the support with DC at weekends. Could he take a few days off in the run up so you can get a bit of rest and downtime then? I understand you not wanting him to go but I also understand him wanting to be there.

goandshowdaddy · 11/03/2015 13:12

YABU. My DH went away with work for 3 weeks when my DS2 was 1 week old and I also had a 2.4 year old DS. I coped with the help of my MIL!. You will be fine. Let it go Grin!!!

GhostlyPenguin · 11/03/2015 13:18

I found myself having to cope with DH being away for weddings and work stuff - conferences, at weekends when I had 3 under 3 - and it was very daunting.

I got though by having in a lot of quick easy food - so meals for everyone were easy and having a relaxing time as possible so TV was on a lot.

I was lucky that my parents would drop by when they could and stay a few hours and bring food - so I saw someone and they brought food - though that wasn't always possible. I also accepted very little would get done those weekends.

When I just had one DC - I was ill and DH did arrange without consulting me for MIL to come over. It was a nightmare - her finding fault dismissing me being very ill and going on how wonderful she was for helping and how wonder DH was and what a great time he'd be having -pretty predictable and very miserable.

So No - I'm with you on it being talked through before talking to others - it means you can talk and decide together without everyone else setting forth their views on what should be done.

While I'm find for work and UK weddings - wedding abroad I have had to talk though with DH and say no to. We just couldn't justify the money.

I was amazed when a couple I knew spent 5K attending a wedding abroad for just him - leaving her at home doing up a house with two young DC during a period he was away all week anyway. I couldn't understand how that cost could be justified - man was groomsman - for one of them especially as they were drowning in debt with the house. Female my friend did express annoyance with the wedding couple for destination choice and therefore the cost - but they still paid it.

velocitykate · 11/03/2015 13:31

I can totally see where you are coming from, because I would have been exactly the same when my eldest two were young (I have a much bigger gap between numbers 2 and 3 which would have made it easier). It's just a horrible feeling being knackered, looking after a baby and toddler (or two toddlers in your case) knowing you aren't going to get a break from it.

That said, this wedding is obviously very important to him, so I would probably let him go under certain circumstances 1) that you get some help you are happy with ( good friend, DM, Mil if you get on and she would help, whatever) while he is away and 2) at some point in the future, when you feel the baby can be left, you get a weekend away with a friend or at a spa or something.

You sound overwhelmed and knackered, so I would also be asking him to give you more help through the week and look into some paid child are on a regular basis to give you a bit of a break.

Good luck

keepsmiling2015 · 11/03/2015 13:36

Yabu it's a once in a lifetime thing. I'm sure you'll be fine without him for one weekend. Maybe you could invite family or friends over to help. You should be happy for him to go to US and watch his best friend get married!

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