To not want my husband to go to the wedding

[scb2021]

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

op normally copes on her own all week, and dh the helps at the weekend

mil has offered to come over and help, so op wont be on her own, but seems op doesnt want this

i would hardly call flying round the world, a wedding and flying back again a holiday of a lifetime, he will be jet lagged and worn out, but least gets to tend his friends wedding

thats what i said roman mil is happy to help, so why not have the older 2 to stay at hers for the weekend while dh is away, i used to love staying at my grannies

In what way is it not a holiday? I dont get it.
Becaue there's a flight either side? Of a few hours?
Easy peasy. Check in. Get on plane. Sit down for a few hours (watching tv, listening to music, reading a book) have food and drinks brought to you. No toddlers to look after.
Oh yes. Fucking arduous that is. Poor sod.
Ffs!

He isnt flying round theworld. Do you own an atlas?

Do I own a dictionary?
Really. Many of the women I speak to describe their commute to work in the city on a packed train as a break. This just illustrates how unaware some people can be about the work involved in parenting small children.

Having read through more I think your DH has what my DH had. I made is explicitly clear to him that the hierarchy is #1 spouse, #2 kids, #3 our parents #4 other family members (siblings and their DC) and #5 everyone else.

He should have talked to you first and then his mother. My DH is famous for putting his mother ahead of me and I don't stand for it. I put him first and expect the same.

A trip to the US should not be costing GBP1500 for such a short duration. We just bought flights for the PIL to visit in June for $1100 each which is approx. GBP735. I would give him GBP1000 in total and tell him he needs to fly back Sunday night, unless the wedding is on Sunday itself (highly unlikely). The remaining GBP500 is for you to buy in help/meals.

Clearly your idea of a holiday has probably changed somewhat to fit in with your slightly hysterical argument Amanda but I will put that down to you bordering on pedantic.

My argument isnt hysterical.
I think that is unfair.
I see that as a break.

im rubbish with places but gonna be a 2/3hr wait/check in at an airport, 6/8hrs flight depending where in usa,then to hotel/venue

a day of fun and then wait/check in of 2/3hrs and flight of 6/8hrs home and then back home

its 2 days of hectic travelling for one days pleasure

but op wont be on her own for that time as mil can come over and help

YANBU. You sound exhausted and 3 children under 3 every day without a break would break me. When life is tough you and your DP are a team. He should know how it is and should have politely declined the invitation. You need to protect your health and ring fence regular time apart from your kids.

Well if the journey is going to be so arduous, hectic , no fun - what's the point in going?

All that money for such a stressful time!

Maybe he could use that money so they could all go away somewhere nice. But no........ Hell woman get yo ass back in that kitchen!

Honestly - thread bingo on here

Spa weekend
Hire a nanny
Girls night out
Hysterical

And now the MIL is skulking about.... >

Add message | Report | Message poster Joyfulldeathsquad Thu 12-Mar-15 21:35:06
flip why don't you pay for them all to go? Or you have all the kids and op and her dh can go?

Bit of a difference coughing up for a whole family to go to America for 4 days than one.

Well if the journey is going to be so arduous, hectic , no fun - what's the point in going?

Really?

But no........ Hell woman get yo ass back in that kitchen!

Oh dear

Going to the US for a piss up of a wedding, without your kids, is not a chore. If it was a chore then he wouldn't want to go!! Getting on a plane is not hard. Online check in, bag drop then oh! Some down time with coffee somewhere with WiFi. Then on the plane - sleep or watch free films in blissful blissful peace, then MASSIVE PARTY, lie in, then repeat.

how the ever loving fuck is that a chore?

If you are struggling to fund this trip, then it is unreasonable. Otherwise I would let your DH go. And then have a mini break myself to New York with a mate whilst he has the DCS.

Well, quite goodnessgraciousgouda

Who said it was a chore goodness?

And who is going to pay for that amore ? Apparently there is only enough money in mummy's purse the kitty for DH.

Can now add 'treat your self to a trip to NY' to the list ....

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, especially if help with your children is available, albeit not discussed with you first. If it was your chance, would you go and leave him with the kids? I would be envious of a trip away but not so much so that I would stop him going. My husband is a lot more sociable than me though so I'm used to him going away without me, and I get the chance to do things by myself.

I think that our lives are too short and we need to cram in as much as we can. This is why I would have no problem if I was the OP and accept the help. I would also be looking for opportunities for me to be having fun as well in the near future. Things like this need to be shared. O get that he has already been away but without keeping score as such over the coming years things can be evened up. Give and take and all that.

Worked for us time and time again and funny enough we are still a happy family 24 years later!

flip does op know your on here? How did you find the thread?

I found the thread on 10th March when I first started commenting on it.

He doesn't know but I can pass my iPad over to him if you want?

Go on I'll rise to you,why do you want to know?

Quite a few people over the last 12 pages have suggested that the trip is not a jolly, but somehow some sort of obligation. My arse!!

on this page alone blondes implied that really the trip would be a huge pain in the arse for a wedding.

this is true, but less frustrating than say, your oh swanning off for a social for four days.

joyfull you mil/jaws comment made me laugh out loud, and then panic that I'd woken up dh! (its very late here)

Give and take works when both sides are equal.

This is not equal

Dh has had multiple holidays

Op has had none.

Op is doing all the giving, it's unfair.

Sorry I thought you said my DP. Not OP

Same question. Why?