to think giving back your child because he turns out to be disabled is wrong?

[colourfulmummy]

This storey just didn't sit right with me, I thought well its the daily mail it might not be true but then saw it on her web site in her own words. It's all me, myself and I... poor me what I had to go through? what about the child? surely every parent knows anything can happen. How can someone be a child's parent for two years and then totally walk away and then expect to adopt another child?

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2986483/Mother-reveals-gave-adopted-toddler.html#readerCommentsCommand-message-field

adoptiondisruptionuk.com/about/

I don't see how anyone can feel anything but sympathy for this woman. She tried her hardest and, tragically for both parties, it wasn't enough. It wasn't her fault.

I can't see that it's the same as giving birth to a child who turns out to be disabled, or who becomes disabled later in life. She wouldn't have had had that instant bond, total unconditional love and slow, gradual adjustment to the changes in her life.

(please don't think I'm saying that adopters can't have unconditional love for their child! Just that it presumably wouldn't come in an instant the way it would with a birth child)

Soon, from what I understand, she is still his parent, legally. All adoptive parents remain their children's parents after the adoption order goes through, even if it then disrupts.

of course the dm is going to make her look like a terrible woman that is what they do

but the story is not as simple as her changing her mind, it is not about that

it is very very sad for all involved so yabu

Ok I misunderstood the article, I thought she had asked for her parental rights to be terminated. So she is still supporting her child as his mother but he is unable to live with her due to health problems? If that is the case I don't understand why she has done anything other than out his needs first.

Next time I will read the thread

It happens to children with their birth parents too. I know a child who has the same disability as dd2. Missing her hand. One hand. No other issues at all.
Her birth parents here in the UK, less than 5 years ago, walked out of the hospital without her telling the hospital they didn't want her because of that.

But I wouldn't judge any story in the DM as having all the facts and not having fabricated their own for a "better" story anyway.

it isn't the fuck ok, Mrs devere. It is fucking stupid socially, morally and economically.

I think she did the right thing for the wee boy.

I have children with disabilities. She said she couldn't cope with a disabled child. The social worker lied to her about the severity of her son's disabilities. I'm not surprised the adoption broke down.

I really hate the phrase 'giving back a child', it's so innacurate. It sounds casual, probably partly because of the way the press use it. Reaching the point where you feel your child will either be in a better situation in a residential setting/different home, or that you simply cannot cope any more, is anything but 'giving back'. It's agonising, desperate, or perhaps a total empty numbness. It's an awful thing to go through, an awful place to be in. There have been a few times in parenting that I've thought that I can't do this any more, disruption, disruption. Not the right word, disruption, for how it is years down the line when you are a family, not for me, but it's the word that springs to mind first.

It seems clear to me that she knew her son had some level of disability early on, but she didn't 'give up' she was parenting, going to speech therapy, learnt sign language. Doing what a mum does for her disabled child. Reaching a point of 'disruption' came after much more severe medical neds came to light, as is clear from her story in her own words on her site. I don't understand how OP you read her site then thought she did something wrong. She clearly states that she and professionals concluded he needed 24 hour care and no care package could be provided to care for him at home (bolding mine). OP what was she supposed to do when she was refused a care package to enable her to care for him at home?

I wish we lived in a country where bespoke care packages of the type this mother couldn't get were available. I'm pretty sure it would be cheaper than this little boy going into care. It's awful

If she feels she is finally ready to adopt again, and this is I think around 2 years since her son moved into his current home/care setting, then why not? Would anyone condemn a birth mother trying for another baby in parallel circumstances? Yes, adoption is different. But she wants to be a mum to a second child at home. Is that wrong? She's shown that she will committ to and help a child with some level of difficulties that weren't anticipated. She has decided she is ready for her second child, probably only after an enormous amount of thought.

When my DD is at school, she is in the constant care of two adults in addition to her teacher. They are both in the classroom for her alone - one (a nurse) manages her medical care and seizures, as she seizes upwards of 100 times a day. The other works with her on educational and therapeutic goals (and behavioural intervention, as she suffered a stroke as a very small infant and is at significant risk of self harm due to a lack of impulse control). That is two adults required to support, control and care for a 4 stone 4' tall 9 year old wheelchair user. Still, she arrived home with a massive knot on her forehead today, and a patch of hair missing as the impulse to cut it off instead of doing her Maths activity while the aide turned to grab supplies was too great.

And then, she comes home, and I fly essentially solo as DH must work.

Plus, she isn't my only child.

DH and I have discussed that there may come a time that we are no longer able to care for her and assure her safety. The thought breaks our hearts.

Also - I have personal experience of being lied to and misled by social workers about my childrens backgrounds, experiences, needs and difficulties. It's a disgrace when it happens deliberately, and it still does, thankfully not as much as it did 10 years and more ago.

More often, there are other reasons than deliberate misleading why adoptive parents don't find everything they should know. Poor communication, poor recording, poor filing, multiple changes of social workers, would be the main reasons.

When I was a children's entertainer I was employed to perform at a party for disabled children who were adopted.
My word it changed my whole view on adoption.
The parents were just amazing and quite chatty and open about the general issues surrounding the children. It sounded like bloody hard work and a couple of the mums said they had previous experience caring as professionals.
I don't know how on earth they managed it and they were so happy and positive about their dc.
Even just visiting for the couple times I did I heard how these children had often been abandoned, one mum told me her dc was abandoned outside the hospital.
I wouldn't judge any biological or adopted parent on their choice regarding raising a child with disabilities, because I haven't been there myself.
Certainly, the dm wouldn't be where my knowledge would come from YAB entirelyU.

If he now has 4 carers round the clock why do you think a single woman would have been able to cope? They didn't inform her of the little boys difficulties and then didn't offer her any support. YABU.

she did the right thing, because it was too much for her to cope with. The boy is in a better situation now. Always best to be honest and upfront. Perhaps the adoption agency should have been a bit more honest with her at the start. Having said that, adoption is never going to be easy. Plenty of children will be emotionally scarred at least and so unless you have a new born, there will always be something to work through.

It's a sad situation but she couldn't look after the little boy. Four people now care for him. She's still has pr for him.

I can't judge what this lady has done. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to look after the child on her own.
Ds1 has special needs, less severe than this boy's, it is extremely hard and exhausting and I just couldn't cope if I didn't have DH.
This boy needs more care than what this lady can provide and it was brave of her to admit it.

YABVVU OP!

This women didn't just let this little boy live with her for a short time it was for two years! He now needs 24hr care with four carers....

They both have been let down by SS.

I would love to live in your very black and White world not.

YABU

I think if she was unable to care for him, and he needed an environment where he had a team of carers around the clock, then she absolutely did the right thing. The priority is his needs as the child, not her (or any other adult's) needs as the parent.

What I struggle to understand is the idea of "handing him back". Is he no longer her son? If she'd given birth to him and he'd had needs she couldn't meet by herself, and had gone into care, he'd still be her son. When you adopt someone you take on whatever you would have taken on had you given birth. It's a tabloid article, so I take it all with a pinch of salt, but I really don't get the sense that she will continue to be involved in his life. That's the bit I find odd.

She didn't "hand him back"? If she still is his mother and he's her son. Isn't that just DM phrasing it in the most provocative way?

She placed him in a facility able to care for his needs but is upset she wasn't told the full extent of his disabilities as she knew she wasn't capable of caring for a child with severe disabilities, perhaps she felt someone else may have been able to give him a family life for longer had he been placed with them instead from the beginning?

Seems hugely unfair on them both.

I know what people mean saying you don't get any choice or warning about disability with a biological child or accidents happen, but I don't think it's the same thing at all - she was vetted and assumed to be able to cope. Bio parents decide themselves if they can cope, adoptive parents have to be approved by someone - and they approved her to manage alone with a child who needs 4 carers!