to think giving back your child because he turns out to be disabled is wrong?

[colourfulmummy]

This storey just didn't sit right with me, I thought well its the daily mail it might not be true but then saw it on her web site in her own words. It's all me, myself and I... poor me what I had to go through? what about the child? surely every parent knows anything can happen. How can someone be a child's parent for two years and then totally walk away and then expect to adopt another child?

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2986483/Mother-reveals-gave-adopted-toddler.html#readerCommentsCommand-message-field

adoptiondisruptionuk.com/about/

i just dont understand why she applied for the adoption order? very sad situation. impossible to judge without knowing the facts.

Yabu. It sounds like any single parent - biological or adoptive - would not have been able to look after the little boy. He needs round the clock care.

I think it absolutely needs discussing. WE still have people suggest that would-be parents "just adopt" instead of going for IVF, support for adoptive parents is inadequate in this country and it seems adoptive parents are not being adequately informed of the needs of the children they are taking on. I can see why she would want to put this issue forward for discussion.

I'm not sure how anyone could take issue with what she's done, she was a single woman who just couldn't provide round the clock care and she was always clear about that.

I don't think there is enough information for me to form an opinion, haven't walked a mile in her shoes and all that so YABU.

turquoiseamethyst I just couldn't imagine walking away from a sick friend let alone my child. I just couldn't get my head around it but that's why I posted? I wanted other peoples thoughts on it.

It sounds to me as if the little boy's needs mean that (had they been known from the offset) he would never have been put up for adoption.

Something not dissimilar happened to a friend I once had. Their adoption broke down - awful, but no reflection on them.

YABU. I don't actually think the fact he was adopted is really that relevant.

I used to work in homes with children who had PMLD and needed round the clock care. It isn't something a parent should be judged for not being able to provide.

I think that's a very unfair statement OP. I know some people whose adoption broke down and it was devastating and certainly NOT something they did lightly. Having read about the very considerable needs that this little boy had I'm amazed that you can't have some empathy with this woman.

just couldn't imagine walking away from a sick friend let alone my child.

Have you had to do either ?

I ask becuase ... I was a hero in my own head.

When it was theory.

But when I cared for somebody round the clock in my home the reality was very different. Had I had any alternative I would have run for the hills. And there was a dark dark place I visited on a couple of occasions where I had to put a pillow down and walk out the room.

I couldn't, still can't, mourn a death becuase my relief is too great.

Presumably they wouldn't fund the carers he needed, but would fund it for foster carers? I agree, post adoption care can be piss poor.

I've seen a similar story elsewhere, although with a biological child. No funding for respite or carers, mother driven to breaking point by child who required 24 hour care. Child ended up being placed in foster care. Ironically in home care and/or respite would have been the cheaper option.

Em

I've worked with families with a disabled child who requires 24/7 care. Whether adopted or not some conditions mean that it is in the child's best interests to live in a residential care setting, with experienced carers carrying out the round the clock care they require. This isn't about one parent 'failing'. There is only so much care one person can provide.

You obviously have no experience of this kind of situation. If you did you would have nothing but empathy for all involved.

I think you would need to be very naive about the reality of adoption and the quality of typical post-adoption support to get incensed about this story, insofar as we can grasp it from the DM. Someone - perhaps from the excellent, wise and kind bods on the Mn adoption board - will have the stats, but a percentage of adoptions do disrupt. It's desperately sad for everyone involved. A child has experienced yet another upheaval in a life that has already had too much of it, but the adoptive parents, who have gone through a stressful, lengthy and difficult process in order to be approved and matched, have almost certainly endured heartbreak, and possibly marital breakdown, and/or difficulty and danger with older children. The disruption almost certainly comes at the end of months or years of agony.

And the 'birth parents can't hand their children back, so why should adoptive parents be able to?' approach is risible - how do people think children end up in care in the first place?

She went to the newspaper? Don't be so naive. The local papers and gossip columns are scoured by trainee journalists searching for something that can be sold as a story to the Nationals. She would have then been approached and told that her story was going to run, as they had enough juicy detail for the readers but it would be 'oh such better'if she made a comment and put her side of the story.
I forgot to say before: YABVU.
You sound like Daily Mail target audience though.

I know a couple who had an adoption broke down. They have faced a lot of judgement and hostility from people who don't know the full facts but they went through utter hell and turned their lives upside down trying to make it work. They reached a point where they were so emotionally and physically exhausted (her weight plummeted, they were both on antidepressants and their marriage was hanging by a thread) that they couldn't carry on. They were deliberately decieved about the physical and mental health needs of the child they adopted. It turns out that the poor kid had suffered horrific abuse (although when my friends asked outright prior to the adoption if the child had been abused they were told no) and it was well documented that she was severely traumatised and displaying very extreme behaviours but no support was given in managing this. Although they have since receieved a formal apology from those responsible, it was too little too late. They have since found out that their situation is not that uncommon. I refuse to judge anyone who has had an adoption break down as the stigma of having "given back" child is immense and I don't believe that anyone would put themselves through it if they didn't honestly feel they had no other choice.

em brave post love.

I certainly wouldn't judge this lady.

Awful situation all round.

It's a very sad story. She knew he had a delay but thought it was just from being in care rather than with a primary carer. It turned out he has quite bad brain damage, he fits multiple times a day. She is a single and working. There was no way she would be able to give him the time and care he needed. Plenty of biological parents give up children or put them on care. I don't think we can judge her without walking in her shoes.

Colourfulmummy you sound vile with your judginess. The child is under care by 4 adults now, that's very obvious the woman was not able to provide the necessary care for him.
Very easy to say what you would do if you were in her position but you never would actually know would you

Recent research from Bristol University found the adoption disruption rate was 9% which sounds surprisingly low to me - previous research had always found a rate of about 20%.

I don't understand why she felt the need to relinquish her parental responsibility Surely she could have got residential care for him and continued to be his Mother??

Wow i know a lot of people who care for severely disabeld children and some of them are single parents. You cant just give up as they are your child, i always adoptive parents were the same.

I have read DM link. It's so sad for all concerned and I think the DM were surprisingly uncritical of the mum. That poor woman, how can anyone singlehandedly look after a child with such high needs. Maybe if better support had been available she might have felt able to keep her child.