to think giving back your child because he turns out to be disabled is wrong?

[colourfulmummy]

This storey just didn't sit right with me, I thought well its the daily mail it might not be true but then saw it on her web site in her own words. It's all me, myself and I... poor me what I had to go through? what about the child? surely every parent knows anything can happen. How can someone be a child's parent for two years and then totally walk away and then expect to adopt another child?

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2986483/Mother-reveals-gave-adopted-toddler.html#readerCommentsCommand-message-field

adoptiondisruptionuk.com/about/

None of us know how we would react to such a difficult set of circumstances. We cannot judge.

Respite care in this country is horrendous though.

This story was in the times2 yesterday.
I didn't read it all but looked more indepth then DM article. It was right next to an article about mumsnet, wrote by some dick journalist.

According to her website, she says he "will always be my son, and I have parental responsibility with him which I share with the local authority."

To be fair on her Mrs DeVere, she is campaigning for an amendment in the care order form which would also benefit biological parents who've placed their child in LA care as they can't meet care needs that occur as the result of a disability.

I don't think she wants to be treated differently from bio parents who are
In the same situation as her- rather that none of them are being fairly represented.

JadedAngel so agree, any child can become disabled at any time.

Of course adoptive parents 'aren't the same'. They go through a long, invasive, agonisingly bureaucratic process in order to be approved and matched with a child, having had to disclose their most private stuff to social workers and consider incredibly difficult stuff like what level of disability/drug addiction/ sexual abuse/depth action etc etc they would consider accepting in a child - then they are handed a complete stranger after a couple of weeks of introductions. Bonding, even with a non-disabled child who has had the best possible experience of being fostered and adopted, takes time . Trying to bond with a severely traumatised or institutionalised adopted child, whose past has gaps you can not fill in, with a disability that turns out to be very serious, with minimal post-adoption support, is simply not the same as a scenario where you are a similarly disabled child's fully-bonded/biological parent.

YABU OP.

Having only read her story (not going to give the DM any extra clicks), I am amazed that you can blame her. It's a heartbreaking story when you come to it without a mean-minded, nasty frame to it. I think if you'd read them the other way round, you might have seen it differently.

MrsDeVere i know. I am just talking from my experience.
her being a single woman who works was mentioned. I know plenty

tapwater I could honestly kiss you after that post.

I'm not an adopter, but I believe that parents by adoption retain their legal status as their child's parents forever, after the adoption order is signed - the child has a new birth cert, and it is as if s/he was born to the adoptive parent. This is not altered should the adoption disrupt and the child gives to live elsewhere.

Oh, cracker.

(I may not be right about the adopting parent remaining as parent inalienable, even after disruption?)

Inalienably.

I was ready with a knee jerk response, but after reading both links, my heart breaks for everyone involved.

My DD requires total care, she has a neurodegenerative condition. We get little to no support and the thing that keeps me going now is the ability to sleep while she is at school, and the fact that I am not doing it alone.

all this kind of stuff does is feed the idea that children with disabilities are disposable.
sorry for be in nasty. but I can't see it any other way.
I hope the child is now with a family/person who accepts them and they are all happy/
(hides thread)

Op, go and adopt a young child wit pmld. Be a single parent and hold down a full time job. Try and do this with no support from anyone because the wait for the possible respite can be years, yes really years. Try to do this while going to various medical appointments, to other appointments begging for help. To have no sleep because of the complex needs of the child.

Oh wait, did. I say work full time? What was I thinking? You cannot work full time because finding childcare for a child below school age for a child with pmld is bloody hard. Never mind the impact on the time off for appointments. Exhausted because of a lack of sleep. The child is ill and requires time off.

Then come back and condemn her. She told them that she could not handle a disabled child, not everyone can. Even birth parents face this dilemma but without this type of judgement.

The person at fault is the person who placed the child with her, knowing her circumstances. Knowing that could not cope. That person failed her and a child that requires 4 carers. Yet that person was happy to place th child in a household of one.

Your judgment is clearly aimed at the wrong person.

Feel sorry for all concerned. No judgment here. Social services should have been more honest about the child's needs and assured he was placed with a family who has agreed they had the abilities to cope with a child with such a degree of difficulties. Sad for child and mother.

YABVU.

You can't judge a woman on that. Many, many people couldn't live like that.

The child is now in a residential unit with paid staff who are trained to care for him Samcro. And it's most likely the best and safest place for him.

He has a serious medical condition which means he may die without proper 24 hour care. It's got nothing to do with her not "accepting" him.

what is crap is that now he is in LA care, he needs 4 carers. i bet the poor woman had nothing like 3 extra full time carers helping her. my friend has a severely disabled daughter. yes, she has carers. no, nothing like enough help or support. yet if she was to put her daughter into care, she would be assessed as needing round the clock medical care

She could have remained the child's legal parent. That would not have prevented him being cared for in a residential setting.