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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dd (5) to sleep in same bed as stepdad?

56 replies

flowerandrandd · 10/03/2015 13:08

So briefly mother has been remarried for 12 years. He is a lovely man etc, mid 60s etc. I have two daughters, one is a terrible sleeper. They have offered to have them for a sleepover. They have stayed before but last time my mother matter of factly told me my 5 year old daughter shared a bed on her with step father.

He is a lovely man as I said and has never given me any cause for concern but it doesn't sit right.

Firstly am I being really unreasonable and if I do choose to broach the subject how do I do it without sounding like I calling him a peodo?

OP posts:
TurnItIn · 10/03/2015 13:11

Would you allow your DD to sleep in bed with you?

Slothlorian · 10/03/2015 13:12

It doesn't feel right for a reason. TRUST your instinct.
Tell them that this isn't ok. Offending him really is bottom on the list of priorities. If they have a problem with your decision then alarm bells ring for me anyway. Be strong.

Original poster
flowerandrandd · 10/03/2015 13:12

Yes if course she is a bad sleeper, so she generally gets in most nights, it is something we are working on. We don't desperately need a baby sitter so think I'm best cancelling to avoid the whole discussion!

OP posts:
reni1 · 10/03/2015 13:17

I would not worry about it at all. As an additional precaution, presumably grandma is in the bed, too?

EstRusMum · 10/03/2015 13:17

YANBU. Don't allow it. TBH, you don't really need a reason for that. And if they will be offended, you've got yourself a reason to be worried.

Original poster
flowerandrandd · 10/03/2015 13:20

I knew is get mixed reactions! It's such a hard one.. When it happened last time no grandma slept with my other daughter, unsure as to why it worked out like that, how the hell do I say it to them tho without them thinking i am accusing him x

OP posts:
TurnItIn · 10/03/2015 13:23

I'd say something along the lines that you're trying to get her to sleep in her own bed now and that you'd like them to help with this by not letting her into bed with them. (That was why I asked if she sleeps in with you!)

madwomanbackintheattic · 10/03/2015 13:26

You can't do it without sounding like you think he's a paedo.

This man has known your dad since she was born, has always been her stepfather, and presumably always will be. Sharing a bed with him and her mother (her mother...) is just like her sharing a bed with you and your new partner. They are her other set of parents, and always have been. Get over yourself.

You are being alarmist and ridiculous, and enormously offensive. If you really think that your wife's husband of 12 years is a danger to your child, then whether she gets into bed with him or not is not the issue. You have a much bigger problem with contact at all.

It is your own mind that is seeing 'bed' as the problem. If you were not worried at all prior to your wife mentioning that she had slept with them, then you are just being offensive and it is your own mind that is drawing conclusions. If he was a risk to your daughter, the bed wouldn't be the only thing that rang alarm bells, particularly as she shares a bed with you, and at 5 years old, it would be perfectly natural for her to get into bed with her other set of parents as well.

Her other set of parents.

Her other set of parents.

I suspect this is more territorial on your part, and you are uncomfortable with the realisation that she gains support and comfort from the other relationship too, rather any stupidity about abuse.

You would rather see a 5 year old unable to sleep than have anyone else be able to comfort her in the way you do? Nice.

madwomanbackintheattic · 10/03/2015 13:27

Lol, dd not dad

HairyHandedFucker · 10/03/2015 13:28

YANBU, but for me, it's nothing to do with him being a male, and biologically unrelated - I just don't like the idea of my child sharing a bed with any adult other than their own parents. It's so personal.
I'm actually a bit surprised they didn't even think to ask you first. I find it inappropriate.

Booboostoo · 10/03/2015 13:28

I don't see the problem with co-sleeping as such.

If he is an abuser and you leave your DCs with him he will abuse them whether they sleep in the same bed or not. Do you have any reason to worry about him in general?

If he is not an abuser then I don't see the problem. No ordinary person suddenly gets the urge to abuse young children by sharing a bed with them.

HairyHandedFucker · 10/03/2015 13:29

mad, they aren't the other parents, they are the grandparents.

TurnItIn · 10/03/2015 13:29

I think the OP is talking about her mother and stepfather rather than the other half of a separated couple madwoman

Jackie0 · 10/03/2015 13:30

I agree with turnitin. Don't make it about them , make it all about her.
You don't want her sharing because you want her to be happy in her own bed at home.

madwomanbackintheattic · 10/03/2015 13:30

lol. YOUR mother. I thought it was HER stepfather. Grin I was wondering how that worked, but assumed your very open rlationship had meant a baby in the middle. Ignore me... Grin

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 13:30

No if you dont feel comfy with it go with your feelings.

I dont care how alarmist and over protective people would think to me to be.

You are in charge and dont feel its right, so dont allow it.

You could say child wasnt happy.

  • They are her other set of parents, and always have been. Get over yourself This is very different advice to the norm where its known blood relations can be, can be less of a threat to children than steps, new men etc in the family.
BarbarianMum · 10/03/2015 13:32

I think the thing to do is get her used to sleeping in her own bed at home before you send her on sleepovers tbh. Or could the girls share w each other?

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 10/03/2015 13:32

madwoman, re-read the post, OP is talking about HER mother and stepfather, not her DD's mother and stepfather.

Jackie0 · 10/03/2015 13:33

I don't think it's about accusing them of anything. I think a big 5 year old would prefer her own bed and I'm certain they would be happier not sharing with her, it all sounds very cramped and uncomfortable .

Liondemer · 10/03/2015 13:33

I don't think you abu. I wouldn't want my dd to co sleep with anyone but me and her dad.

mad the op is talking about her Stepfather. Not her DD's.

Liondemer · 10/03/2015 13:34

Sorry x post

BarbarianMum · 10/03/2015 13:34

Saying the child wasn't happy is very unfair if it's not true and child chose to share though. What was the poor guy supposed to do?

Gruntfuttock · 10/03/2015 13:36

If you think he's going to abuse your DD why are you calling him a lovely man? You can't have it both ways.

BarbarianMum · 10/03/2015 13:36

Saying that the child wasn't happy is very unfair if it's not true and she chose to share though. What was the poor guy supposed to do (am assuming she climbed in in the night)?

BarbarianMum · 10/03/2015 13:37

Aargh ,please ignore my double post.