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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my dd (5) to sleep in same bed as stepdad?

56 replies

flowerandrandd · 10/03/2015 13:08

So briefly mother has been remarried for 12 years. He is a lovely man etc, mid 60s etc. I have two daughters, one is a terrible sleeper. They have offered to have them for a sleepover. They have stayed before but last time my mother matter of factly told me my 5 year old daughter shared a bed on her with step father.

He is a lovely man as I said and has never given me any cause for concern but it doesn't sit right.

Firstly am I being really unreasonable and if I do choose to broach the subject how do I do it without sounding like I calling him a peodo?

OP posts:

DoJo · 10/03/2015 13:37

I think you either accept that they address your daughter's sleep problems in the same way that you do i.e. letting her get into bed with them, or you refuse the offer of overnight care.

You cannot expect them to introduce a sleep regime at their house if you aren't able to be consistent about her sleeping in her own bed at home (not criticising that btw, we are the same if my son wakes as it is the way we all get most sleep). If her default is to get into bed with the adult caring for her when she wakes in the night, it is a bit unfair to ask them to sacrifice their sleep to try and settle her if you know it is unlikely to work.

Unless you have a better solution, then you need to decide how much you want a night off I think!

HairyHandedFucker · 10/03/2015 13:38

Grunt, she didn't say she thinks her SF is a potential paedophile, she is saying she just doesn't like a man sharing a bed with her five yo child.

CrystalCove · 10/03/2015 13:43

And if they will be offended, you've got yourself a reason to be worried

I dont agree with this at all. Fair enough say No OP (and that is your choice). But if your Mum and Step Dad are hurt for example it will be because of the implication you dont trust either one of them not to abuse your DD I would think - not because you have a "reason" to be worried.

Think about it a little more - would you let her sleep in the bed if for example it was only your Mum?

waterrat · 10/03/2015 13:45

your child, please act on instinct. It doesn't matter about other people's feelings.

I would say you don't want her in bed with them at all, that makes it easier.

although I agree with the poster who said if he is abusive, he won't need to share a bed with her. So you need to separate out your fears from what actually makes sense. If you trust him, you trust him.

Tinkerisdead · 10/03/2015 13:45

I had this exact issue and I explained that I was teaching dd about "tricky people" and that i'd explained a grown up should have no reason to invite them into their bedroom. That at five she couldnt understand who it was okay to share a bed with mummy, daddy nanny and grandad so how was she to know its not okay to get into uncle X's bed? Or so and so's daddy? It was easier to teach her grown ups dont have toys in their rooms like kids do, we have no reason to go into another grown ups bedroom and asked my mum and stepdad to follow that so she was clear on the rules.

Viviennemary · 10/03/2015 13:46

I wouldn't like this either. The accepted custom when I was a child was it was perfectly acceptable to sleep in same bed as relative or friend of same sex but not done to sleep in bed with any person of the opposite sex unless they're a parent.

popalot · 10/03/2015 13:50

I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I'd cancel then work on dd staying in bed by herself so the problem doesn't arise again. It's not that you're saying he would do anything, it's just not quite right and he's in a vulnerable position too. So remove the possibility without having to tell them why and say you don't want her to get it anyone's bed and needs to learn to sleep by herself.

lovestodazzel00 · 10/03/2015 13:50

YANBU I would not feel comfortable with this. Op did not imply he was going to abuse her dd when she said he was a lovely man. It would not feel appropriate to me and Step father probably feels alittle odd about it too, If you do not need the babysitting wait until shes a little older and more independent.

Original poster

flowerandrandd · 10/03/2015 13:59

Sorry I've not been clear it is my step father. I suffer crippling anxiety and I am counselling for it, this is just an example of how I over think a situation but it just doesn't sit right with me, I've since spoken to my mom, not my finest hour but I can rest assured that it won't happen and she has given my word that she will not mention to step father. He is a lovely man but then again everyone thought jimmy saville just liked helping kids... I have to cover every eventuality with my kids, I have only known my step father for 12 years x

OP posts:

Booboostoo · 10/03/2015 13:59

Can i ask the posters who accept the stepGF is not an abuser but are still worried what it is that they are worried about? If he is not going to abuse the child why can't they sleep together? Honest question btw, I am trying to wind anyone up.

Booboostoo · 10/03/2015 14:01

Just saw your update OP. Glad it is sorted out with your mum, but if your DCs are looked after by your DM and stepGF why are they safe? Surely they can be abused during broad day light in, for example, the kitchen, it doesn't have to be overnight in a bed.

lovestodazzel00 · 10/03/2015 14:02

It is a perfectly reasonable issue to get anxious about. Your Dm sounds lovely I am glad you were able to have a chat with her and without causing any offence to your SF.

HairyHandedFucker · 10/03/2015 14:04

Boo, I just don't think it is appropriate. I wouldn't want my child sharing a bed with ANY adult - not my sister, not my mother or MIL, no one apart from DH and me. It's not that I think anyone will abuse my child, I just don't think bed-sharing, apart from between parent and child, is appropriate.

Booboostoo · 10/03/2015 14:08

Ok I am the odd one out. My DD has slept with my DM and my DFil (at different times!) and I never gave it a second thought.

Original poster

flowerandrandd · 10/03/2015 14:18

Booboo my kids have slept with my mil and fil but they are my dh parents. My nagging comes from the 40 years I didn't know my sf. I think it's that he's my sf that's why the prob is for me x

OP posts:

CupidStuntSurvivor · 10/03/2015 14:19

It's a tough one. My DD has naps with my step dad quite often. Doesn't bother me in the slightest - he's a good man and we're very close.

But if my instinct was telling me not to allow it, I wouldn't. Yes, he'd be enormously insulted. That's to be expected really. The only realistic way to presume he'd take it is that you don't entirely trust he's not a paedophile. But in reality, I think you're uncomfortable with it because it's a level of intimacy (and yes, it is intimate, though not in a sexual way) that you have never had with him. We have a lot of intimate interactions with close family while growing up but with step patents, that step is skipped. We can wholeheartedly accept a step parent as family while still feeling uncomfortable seeing them being intimate because in adulthood, the intimate relationships we develop are either with our children or with our partners. Step parents don't 'fit' in that sense, hence discomfort.

Original poster

flowerandrandd · 10/03/2015 14:21

Cupid that makes absolutely perfect sense, thank you x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/03/2015 14:21

I think any man that would be "enormously insulted" by my insistence that my child sleeps only with her parents has a question mark over him, tbh

HairyHandedFucker · 10/03/2015 14:30

Or woman, AF. I wouldn't be insulted in the least if someone didn't want their child sharing a bed with me.

I think it is about levels of intimacy, and for me, I've drawn that line at any other adult bed-sharing with my child.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2015 14:40

or woman, yes

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 14:48

flower your right to be cautious. Abusers are more likely to be known to dc and also people who are not blood relations.

there it is.

Icimoi · 10/03/2015 15:47

The problem is, if she isn't going to be allowed to get into bed with her grandparents, is she just going to be distressed all night when she stays with them? I am wondering what OP thought was going to happen given that she knows her dd likes to co-sleep.

IreneA78 · 10/03/2015 16:25

It is inappropriate .You are right to be cautious and it is for his protection too.

LittleBairn · 10/03/2015 16:51

YANBU its about teaching your DC appropriate boundaries its fine to sleep with your parents but when you extend it to others boundaries get blurred and children get confused.

MissDuke · 10/03/2015 17:54

Tbh, I wouldn't ever let my children sleep over elsewhere if they co sleep. I would wait until she is able to sleep in her own bed. Just because I don't think its fair on anybody, not because I am suspicious of everyone.

Sleepovers aren't essential, my eldest is 10 and has slept elsewhere maybe twice. Don't be afraid to say no to such a request.

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