To think hiring a cleaner for 1 week only is not the fabulous mutters day pressie my DH thinks it is?!

[Littlegiraffe]

I am raging ð??¡ Proper raging.

Text this morning read: "I have hired a cleaner to come on Friday to do the bathrooms, floors, kitchen, hoovering and general clean, as a Mother's Day pressie from all of us"

Firstly, I have had a horrendous chesty cold for over 2 weeks, as has our 2.8yo DS. We have both been coughing loads, day and night, so there has been little sleep for us. DH sleeps like a corpse and is generally useless if woken out of a deep sleep anyway, so I have been up &down during the night with DS - and working Mon-thur in a pretty demanding job - despite feeling miserable myself.

Secondly, we agreed before xmas that DH and DD (almost 19yo) needed to pull their weight more around the house. DD is just lazy and has - as a result - not only had the allowance we gave her when she started Uni removed, but also her travelling expenses too. Travelling expenses (which only amount to around £35/week) were stopped after she failed to keep to the rota we all agreed (all that was required was clean her own en suite, keep her own room tidy, clean the microwave and do 1 washing per week)

DH has also failed to keep to his part of the agreement, which was to hoover the upstairs at the weekend and clean our en suite. He has cleaned our en suite twice since December (me doing it the rest of the time as dirty bathrooms are minging) and has hoovered upstairs 3 times (again being done by me when I eventually crack after reminding him it needs done)

Thirdly, DH is always training for something (triathlons, marathons) leading up to an iron man in 2 years. This results in A LOT of extra washing, which I need to keep up with. I started going to classes on a Wednesday night (and a Friday morning, one I can take DS to in my day off - metafit with a toddler, bonkers ). Exercise is important to me, especially for my mental health, as I have been to hell and back since my Mums suicide 4 years ago. So I NEED this time out the house, but it's at the expense of tidiness/cleanliness. I don't see why I should be the only one running myself ragged trying to keep up with everything.

So I sent a reply saying he had ruined my day, as a one off cleaning session is not what I need, those 2 pulling their weight on an ongoing basis is what I need (&we all know you have to tidy before a cleaner comes so this is even more hassle for me)

He thinks it was a nice gesture. I am seriously livid. Tearful even (but that's probably due to the exhaustion of the last 2 weeks lack of sleep)

The lack of sleep is possibly clouding my judgment, so MN - AIBU??

Mutters?? Mothers, I meant.

Aaargh. I also meant "1 day only" not 1 week. I am tired.

Yanbu wtf is a cleaner a present for you?! You all make the mess so all are responsible for pitching in and tidying. Its a help for the hosuehold to have a clesner but not a present for you.

And whoppido one day of cleaning, what happens in the next week when it needs doing again?!

Well, can you just say no thanks rather than being upset?

If he wants a cleaner to come they can come on a day when you are at work perhaps. Or you could get a regular cleaner to come on one of those days and they could have a key. I agree DD and DH should pull there weight but maybe a cleaner as well would help. NOT to come on a Friday morning obviously.

Also I agree it is not a present for you.

Exactly madthing. Within a week, it's all needing done again! Why can't he see that?! He thinks that because I'm not well, it was "a nice thing to do"
A nice thing to do would've been coming downstairs this morning to find DSs stuff picked up off the dining room and living room floor. I went to bed at 8pm straight after DS as I am so tired from all the coughing, wheezing (I have asthma) and disturbed nights. He was out swimming.

I am speechless! On what planet did your DH think that is an acceptable present?? Cleaning is not exclusively 'women's work', not should it fall solely to you as the mother of the family - this isn't the 1950s, the whole family made the mess, and you also have a job! on your behalf!

yanb (fucking) u

Sorry to hear this.

Getting the message through to them all, DG mostly, but the others too, that cleaning is not somehow just your responsibility, would be a useful outcome of a rather horrid present. Hope it works.

Morelike we can't really afford a cleaner. DH took a massive drop in salary so he could invest in a small start up company (which I was and still am 100% supportive of) but it has meant we've had to tighten the purse strings.

Of course you're not being unreasonable - getting a cleaner is a household decision, like buying a new vacuum cleaner or having the windows washed. All adults in the house need to help keep their living environment reasonably clean - the implication that hiring a one-off cleaner is somehow giving you a present is unbelievably insulting. We have a weekly cleaner. This is not some kind of treat for me, because I have a vagina and therefore some kind of natural affinity for cleaning products.

Get Mr Triathlon to do the pre-clean tidying, and divide all future housework with him and DS. And get yourself a fabulous treat for MD.

Keep his sweaty washing separate and don't do it for a start.

YANBU

If he has the energy to train for Iron Man events he has the energy to do some cleaning and tidying.

However since the cleaner is coming, I think you should say that the house will need tidying before she does and you are hoping that them doing it is part of the present as you don't have time and feel too ill yourself at the moment. Make the point by retiring for a hot bath and early bed.

Hope you get some proper sleep soon as that will help you feel better

I'd want to fucking throttle him. Surely he realises that getting someone else to clean up after the whole family once isn't a gift for you???

I think yabu. This was actually what I asked for as my birthday and mothers day present together but didn't get. I think that the house bothers you and therefore sorting it out so it's easier for everyone to stay on top of is indeed a present for you. Perhaps the house doesn't bother dh as much.

Wow! What a prize knob.
Take yourself and DS out for lunch on Sunday and leave those two lazy, selfish arseholes to sort themselves out. And no more cleaning, washing or cooking for them.

What a twat. yanbu. Tell him you need the money to go away for the weekend. Alone.

Are you for real johnnydory? The op did not ask for this at all. She's washing her dhs endless sweaty gym gear and dealing with the kids whilst ill, and he removes himself to go swimming? On what planet is that reasonable?

On the other hand if I live to be a hundred I will never understand why women have kids in these circs in the first place. I see domestic work as non gendered and I knew DP was on the same page before I agreed to have a kid.

If he was lazy and slobby before, he won't magically transform will he.

Return the favour and book a cleaner for all of his future birthday/ Xmas presents. I'm sure he'll be thrilled. YANBU.

YANBU.

Paying as a one-off for a third party to pick up the cleaning slack so that Mum - who is otherwise expected to do everyone's share of the chores - gets a break from being everyone's fucking drudge. How is that 'a nice gesture'?

what a shitty present! But WHY are you doing all his extra washing? If he and dd can give up on what you all agreed, why are you being a martyr and picking all the extra work up?

Actually, I think RudyTuesday has it.

Both your DH and your DD get one-off cleaners booked now, for all their birthdays and Christmases.

Problem solved

YANBU. I would say to him very clearly "if you think a cleaner is a present for ME then that can only be because you think that cleaning is MY responsibility, which is sexist, insulting and disgusting. If it is a present for anyone it is a present for you and DD who have been failing to pull your weight. It is not my mothers day present."

And you need to stop being a martyr.

Definitely return the favour.