To think hiring a cleaner for 1 week only is not the fabulous mutters day pressie my DH thinks it is?!

[Littlegiraffe]

I am raging ð??¡ Proper raging.

Text this morning read: "I have hired a cleaner to come on Friday to do the bathrooms, floors, kitchen, hoovering and general clean, as a Mother's Day pressie from all of us"

Firstly, I have had a horrendous chesty cold for over 2 weeks, as has our 2.8yo DS. We have both been coughing loads, day and night, so there has been little sleep for us. DH sleeps like a corpse and is generally useless if woken out of a deep sleep anyway, so I have been up &down during the night with DS - and working Mon-thur in a pretty demanding job - despite feeling miserable myself.

Secondly, we agreed before xmas that DH and DD (almost 19yo) needed to pull their weight more around the house. DD is just lazy and has - as a result - not only had the allowance we gave her when she started Uni removed, but also her travelling expenses too. Travelling expenses (which only amount to around £35/week) were stopped after she failed to keep to the rota we all agreed (all that was required was clean her own en suite, keep her own room tidy, clean the microwave and do 1 washing per week)

DH has also failed to keep to his part of the agreement, which was to hoover the upstairs at the weekend and clean our en suite. He has cleaned our en suite twice since December (me doing it the rest of the time as dirty bathrooms are minging) and has hoovered upstairs 3 times (again being done by me when I eventually crack after reminding him it needs done)

Thirdly, DH is always training for something (triathlons, marathons) leading up to an iron man in 2 years. This results in A LOT of extra washing, which I need to keep up with. I started going to classes on a Wednesday night (and a Friday morning, one I can take DS to in my day off - metafit with a toddler, bonkers ). Exercise is important to me, especially for my mental health, as I have been to hell and back since my Mums suicide 4 years ago. So I NEED this time out the house, but it's at the expense of tidiness/cleanliness. I don't see why I should be the only one running myself ragged trying to keep up with everything.

So I sent a reply saying he had ruined my day, as a one off cleaning session is not what I need, those 2 pulling their weight on an ongoing basis is what I need (&we all know you have to tidy before a cleaner comes so this is even more hassle for me)

He thinks it was a nice gesture. I am seriously livid. Tearful even (but that's probably due to the exhaustion of the last 2 weeks lack of sleep)

The lack of sleep is possibly clouding my judgment, so MN - AIBU??

That is a stupendously good idea, Ruby.

YANBU. Go with RudyTuesday's suggestion!

Welllllll whenever we asked my Mum what she wanted for Christmas, Birthday, Mothers Day , her answer was always "A tidy house"

We all cleaned ( I cooked) my Dad did the shopping. My Mum was the one who untidied everything

So , if it had been feasible, a cleaner for a day would have been a brilliant (if sadly short-lived) present.

I agree with Fish. What a fucking insult.

And any extra washing generated by his hobbies, he can do himself or it'll go undone.

YANBU and definitely do not wash any more of his sports stuff! In fact don't do any more of his and DD's clothes at all.

Totally agree with not doing his washing, I am fucking sure Iron Man could work a washing machine.

Obviously fathers day, birthdays and Xmas presents for your DH will now be a cleaner.

This Thursday night he has to stay in and tidy the house from top to bottom in readiness for the cleaner's visit on Friday.

Lastly, as getting a cleaner is such a "great gift", you should tell him that you're spending the money he was planning to spend on triathlon fees/race entrance fees etc on a regular cleaner - surely he'd prefer for the money to be spent that way anyway as it's an amazing present.

I'm pretty sure he'll understand once you spell out the above to him he'll get what an idiot he's been, and now for you it's tools down. You need a huge wash basket for him and for your DD, they pile their dirty laundry in those and it stays there until they deal with it. If it gets left in the washing machine/on the line/ not put away, you chuck it back in those baskets until they learn to deal with it properly.

Time to get tough, they've shown you what they think of you, so it's up to you to change their perception.

My DH does a fair bit of training and I have wrestled stuff off him to wash in the past. Left to his own devices- which suits him tbh- he's happy to reuse on muddy runs etc. Clean clothes every time people are taking the piss imo. And yes of course capable Iron Men types can use washing machines...

He's not lazy and definitely not a slob. I'm not defending his actions here AT ALL, but he does work very hard and has raised and provided - very well for my DD - his DSD - since she was 5. He is such a good man in so many ways (housework aside) which is why I am so enraged at this stunt!

We had a smaller house before and more time to keep on top of it. And DH worked away a lot do there was less mess/cooking/washing etc. Life is busier now, with my mum gone, I also cook for my dad most nights so there are 5 people to see to, not just 4 (& he's a vegetarian which often means a separate meal)

I agree with those saying "stop being a martyr" but I have higher standards than DH and DD clearly have so it is hard to think of leaving smelly washing lying for days. I will try to work with this approach though.

Glad to see the majority are in agreement with me though. This has definitely given me the kick up the arse to make changes.

Yes to iron man doing the Thursday night tidy before cleaner comes.

Yes to have a frank talk about roles and responsibilities.

And, I'm hiring a weekly cleaner. We no longer pay for DD to go to uni so that saving is enough to cover a weekly cleaner. Iron mans hobbies aren't cheap so this is small in comparison but the benefit to me is priceless.
Thanks for all your replies.

Stop doing his washing for starters - if he wants to train, he feels the impact of that, not you.

Other than that, YANBU. Please tell me that you aren't also doing your 19 year old's laundry?

Well I personally would like that as I'm not keen on housework. But if you don't then he is BU.

Ps hesterton, that is exactly what I plan to do today. At the shop (wheezing as I go) for easy dinner (pizza and salad) which I'll make at DS and my convenience. Then another early night for me. Have doc in morning as I think I have a chest infection.
The other 2 are on their own (my dads at my brothers tonight )

I think booking a cleaner so that you don't feel obliged to clean is a nice gesture (although I agree they should not have let it get to this state in the first place).
However, booking it across something you have already arranged to do so that you will need to cancel for it to happen is completely not on, nor should you have to lift a finger extra to prepare for your own 'gift', so YANBU.

I think booking a cleaner so that you don't feel obliged to clean is a nice gesture

But the OP is NOT the only person in the house who should feel 'obliged' to clean! Her DH and DD are capable too; they just choose not to because for whatever reason they have decided that it's the OP's job.

Having a family discussion along the lines of 'How do we all feel about giving up a little bit of x or y so we can have a cleaner so we no longer have worry about housework?' is one thing, but buying a cleaner's services for the little wife is another thing entirely.

Good for you, getting a regular cleaner is a great idea if you can afford it.
As a vegetarian, may I suggest that, if you do the bulk of the cooking, you make the same meal for everyone and meat as an extra? for example we eat a lot of pasta, If I am making a meat sauce I will use plain passata for my dish, roasts are vegetarian with a hunk of meat, whole family eats veggie at least 3 nights a week. Might make things a bit less stressful.
absolutely agree that DH and DS should be picking up after themselves

This reminds me about when I asked DP to do something (can't remember whether it was to do something with then preschool DD2 or cleaning or maybe tidy up after himself)...
He got really stroppy, said I was BU - he was tired and it was his day off ...been working all week and he'd been up at 7am and done an hour at the gym ...he has never been silly enough to use that as a reason for being tired since!
Or the time he told me (before I gave up ironing all together) he liked ironing and would do it - after 20 mins he said could I not find someone (cheap) we could pay to do it ...
Same with cleaning ...tell him to clean up after himself and he will say we need a cleaner. Can I not find a cheap one. No we don't need a cleaner - I don't mind doing it - I do mind picking your shit up before I can...and you won't get a cleaner who will do that - so I'll still be picking your shit up for the cleaner ...
At one point DP would have thought this would be a nice thing to do for me - but I think he knows better now...
I pointed out if he was single and living on his own he would still have to do certain things for himself ...like clean up, cook, washing. (Read Wifework -clarified what I already knew). My life would be easier in many ways as a single parent... if we weren't together.
I'm now a SAHM with school age children and we have a compromise - he doesn't make as much extra work for me - so he washes most of his own clothes, picks up his own stuff and feeds himself and the DCs a couple of nights a week...and I do everything else - and I think that's fair...

I agree with bestzebbie. Why is it your job to wash his training gear?

Best, the house isn't in a state. I just decided not to pick up stuff DS had been playing with, and some things that has been left lying around (his dressing gown on the sofa, lego on the dining room table, some alphabet letters that he'd dropped off fridge door, books out the bookcase in the kitchen etc) last night as I really needed an early night. Had hoped DH might pick them up when he came in, but no.

I do like a tidy house but don't get totally uptight if it's untidy occasionally. It's dirt I can't abide. It's quite a big house too, 2 en suites, a bathroom and a downstairs toilet so it takes quite some time to clean. DH &DD accepted they'd need to contribute before we moved in but have failed to keep to that. In fact, they have got worse, not better. And any time I throw a flakey about it, it improves temporarily ... For a week at most!
A cleaner is the only solution.

I have higher standards than DH and DD clearly have.

Yes, this is a notion that always seems to pop up in these situations.

Somehow I suspect it often isn't true, and it is just an excuse for non-performing members of the family to do bugger all.

I suspect if the housework was left completely say, because you were abducted by aliens, op then said "standards" of DH and DD might rise fairly rapidly, particularly when they realised there were no clean plates or that they had to hop, skip and jump in order to cross the hallway floor.

I sent this:
Can you REALLY not see how shit this is? Getting a cleaner as a pressie to me suggests cleaning is almost entirely my job! It should be everyones! But you - like dd - can't be arsed with what you previously agreed to do. You are equally responsible (even more so in some ways) for filling the washing basket, dirtying the bathroom/toilet, dirtying the floor/microwave, for the dust flying around the house... You breathe& move, right?! I am totally insulted by this. Where did you find this cleaner btw? I don't want someone in our home for whom I've not seen references. Did you get a recommendation? Do you know it is a reputable company? I am going to arrange a weekly cleaner as it's clear neither you or DD see how unfair this is."

Maybe I shouldn't have been so arsey but he got the point eventually, and phoned to apologise. As has agreed we should now get s cleaner. Hoorah (but it annoys me that DD is so lazy, although I have made some progress myself in that respect - if she's cleared out a whole load of washing from her filthy room, and put it in the communal washing basket, I don't hesitate to dump it straight back in her room) Still have some way to go though

DHs company is growing and know it is a busy time for him, but he manages to fit in his swimming, running & cycling perfectly well. He prioritises that over the house. But I'm no longer allowing that to be at my expense.

Good for you OP.

well done

you are not skivvy

a skivvy