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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being a stepmum

54 replies

MsColouring · 09/03/2015 20:50

I guess I probably am. Most people who post saying they are a step parent usually get told they are unreasonable so I probably am too...

OP posts:

iwantgin · 09/03/2015 20:51

Maybe you are, maybe you aren't ?

What's up?

needaholidaynow · 09/03/2015 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MsColouring · 09/03/2015 20:55

Nothing in particular. Just fed up with seeing anyone who mentions being a step parent being given a hard time and wonder why.

OP posts:

QueenofLouisiana · 09/03/2015 20:57

I am really close to my StepDad and my StepMum is a kind and caring Granny to DS.

I think many step parents do a great job in tough circumstances.

treeshine · 09/03/2015 20:59

Original poster

MsColouring · 09/03/2015 21:01

I do think DSS has a better time with his dad since they moved in with us and gets on brilliantly with my dc. My dd cites a positive of me and her dad splitting up is having dss as part of the family.

OP posts:

Allstoppedup · 09/03/2015 21:03

There was a thread earlier (admittedly it hit zapped) that was very much in favour of the step-mother.

Some people are massively harsh on step parents, it can be a tough gig.

You sound fed up but take heart, not everyone thinks you are intrinsically wicked!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/03/2015 21:07

No they just get told if they are being a twat. Just like every one else who posts do.

CaraDelevino · 09/03/2015 21:08

YANBU. I've posted threads in the past where, I might mention DSD as an aside to the main point of the thread, and then some posters jump all over the fact that I'm a SM and start twisting everything I say so that somehow my not wanting to scrabble together a world book day costume at 10pm the night before means I resent my DSD and should probably leave my partner, for example.

Oh, and I HATE HATE HATE the 'you knew he had kids when you started a relationship with him' line. Like I'm not supposed to find ANY aspect of step parenting frustrating or difficult because I'm supposed to be possessed of psychic powers that allow me to anticipate every possible scenario before it happens.

And is that not true of parents who moan about their DCs? 'Well you knew what you were getting into when you chose to have DCs...'

Or what about women in shitty relationships? 'Well, you knew he was a twat when you married him, so...'

QueenB14 · 09/03/2015 21:12

Yanbu

Unless you are my dd's stepmum, in which case yabu

But I'm just a cow

needaholidaynow · 09/03/2015 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CallMeMaybe · 09/03/2015 21:15

obviously not all step parents are evil. However, an overwhelming attitude I've seen on mn is that being a stepmum is so very hard, the kids are hard work/the ex is a bitch/noooobody understands how hard it is etc etc. It never ceases to amaze me how many bitch neglectful ex wives and difficult children there are in the step parenting world and how many saintly stepmums who have to come second to all these evil other people just out to get them. Stepmums who nobody else understands but other stepmums.

And there is a clear double standard. A man has to be prepared to take on the children mostly on a full-time basis without complaint otherwise he should be (rightly) dumped forthwith. However a stepmum has the right to insist the children spend time away from their home because they, the stepmum do all the hard work and they deserve to come first to the stepchildren from time to time....

Obviously not all the stepmums on mn are like this but a large number are. And if this is a representative of what stepmums are like then I would say that any man getting married again is generally not putting his children first, and any woman not prepared to put the children first shouldn't marry someone with kids.

If the kids are healthy and happy in both environments then I'd say you're doing things right. But if you complain about the stepkids on a regular basis then yab probably u for being a stepmum.

I would be very interested to hear the other side from some of the apparently bitch ex's on some of the step parenting threads on here. I imagine they would read somewhat differently to the stepmum's account.

CatsBollocks · 09/03/2015 21:17

Stepmûms are ok as long as they know their place. My DC's SM learned her place a long time ago and never dares overstep the mark with me. Smacking my DC well overstepped the mark and she very quickly realised her serious error of judgement.

needaholidaynow · 09/03/2015 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenB14 · 09/03/2015 21:19

cats she smacked your DC?

Wow I'd be livid

Original poster

MsColouring · 09/03/2015 21:19

I also hate the 'You knew what you were getting into...' line. You could also say that to any biological parent who has a whinge about any aspect of parenting. Complaining about how hard parenting is is socially acceptable. Complaining about step-parenting isn't.

Also when people are told they should keep out of issues involving the ex. So when my dp has an issue with his ex we should just not talk about it. And if we do, I should have no opinions or emotional response. Which isn't really healthy in a relationship. Obviously if I was getting fully involved in arguments it would be unreasonable but I find most people who post about exes are usually just asking for opinions.

OP posts:

Tutt · 09/03/2015 21:20

Children don't come first and that happens naturally in any family, everyone in a normal healthy relationship takes turns in who comes first PLUS you should put yourself first as if you are happy/balanced/healthy in all aspects then the children will be, it is a balance... I'm not just a Mum!
But as a step-mother you will be vilified as above post if you dare to breath without putting someone else first :)

TwoOddSocks · 09/03/2015 21:23

wow CatsBollocks I thought you sounded overly controlling until I read she smacked your kids. I'd be beyond livid.

OP I've never seen what you describe. You'd need to elaborate.

Charlotte3333 · 09/03/2015 21:23

DH here is step-dad to DS1 and, watching them over the years (DS is 9) I wouldn't want to be a step parent. It looks frigging hard work, with none of the (admittedly minuscule) glory parents have. When DS1 achieves stuff, people are all "he takes after his Mum, he takes after his Dad, he's Granny's boy for sure". Nobody pauses to think, actually, stepdad was putting in time and effort, too.

DS1 has a sort-of step mum at his Dads house. They're not married but have been together for 5 years, and she's brilliant with him. No word of a lie, I think he prefers her to his Dad sometimes. And she must have a shit old time of it sometimes, too, with this gobshitey 9 year old turning up at her house some weekends and her DP dropping everything for him. It's a hard balance to get right. But step parents do get it in the neck a lot on here.

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 21:31

I think my DS's stepmum is great. She got ex off my case for starters! . She is kind and fair to my DS.
I think at times my DS has preferred my DP to me or his dad too! He's fun and uncomplicated (until he left us).

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 21:40

And I would have loved to be a sort of step mum to my DP's DD, but his ex withheld contact for a year when DD stayed one night at ours without exes permission he 'forgot' to tell her we had been together 4 years and I wasn't a crack whore serial killer

CatsBollocks · 09/03/2015 21:41

She smacked my DD when she was 4 and my DS when he was 18 months. They never stayed overnight again and rarely see their dad now. The odd thing is I'm a SP and get on brilliantly with my DSC and their mum. It's not difficult to respect someone else's parenting choices and adhere to them.

I do think a lot of SM's are jealous that their partners had children before they met and never understand that as I'm not a jealous person.

CatsBollocks · 09/03/2015 21:49

he 'forgot' to tell her we had been together 4 years and I wasn't a crack whore serial killer

I'd have stopped contact too! So he simply "forgot" to tell her he'd been with someone for 4 years and you went along with it? Really? While I appreciate people move on, where our children were concerned my ex and I told each other we were in new relationships (and a don't mean a few months relationship). Neither of us wanted numerous different partners introduced to our children. Why the hell didn't he tell her?

QueenB14 · 09/03/2015 21:57

I have to say I agree why we're you a secret?

Oh and cats I don't even know how I would handle that bet you felt like ripping her bloody throat out

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 22:00

He's a weak person. I have been his only relationship since they split but well, one, he was scared she would stop contact (which she did), and two, he didn't want to hurt her feelings, even though she left him. Never mind that my feelings were hurt. Anyway enough about me...

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