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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being a stepmum

54 replies

MsColouring · 09/03/2015 20:50

I guess I probably am. Most people who post saying they are a step parent usually get told they are unreasonable so I probably am too...

OP posts:
TheMumsRush · 09/03/2015 22:04

Don't you just love it when kids are used as a weapon Hmm

CalicoBlue · 09/03/2015 22:10

As a Stepmum you ABU, no choice I am afraid.

I do find it strange that when mentioning DSS, he becomes that 'poor boy'. When my DC are not referred to as such. Though do they become 'those poor kids' when if it is my exh 's dp talking about them?

I have said much worse about my own teenagers on here, and just get support. Not so with DSS, one word of a moan and I am horrid.

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 22:12

It was easy for him I suppose because she lived 5 hours drive away and contact with DD was always there. He's an idiot who compartmentalised but it just ended up with him hardly ever seeing his DD.

canyou · 09/03/2015 22:14

U am a weird SP. I go on the piss with DSC DMum lolGrin Grin

It freaks everyone out when they realise our connection, but we are a family, yes a strange family but a family and tbh yes it takes work sometimes all the DC, hers, mine and mine and DPs dc are better for it.
Family get togethers are hilarious with his ex pil Grin

CatsBollocks · 09/03/2015 22:15

Children shouldn't be used as weapons BUT there is a huge difference with an almost stranger smacking a child when the parents do not smack. There is also a massive issue when someone "hides" a relationship for 4 years.

I will happily say no way was I leaving my children to be smacked with anyone who thought this was acceptable especially as their own father didn't smack. She was lucky to have kept her teeth in place as I really wanted to punch them down her throat, I have absolutely no qualms that she never saw my children after that incident. Anyone in their right mind that smacks an 18 month old on their bare legs because they squirmed when having their nappy changed is a bloody monster in my view. ExDH is bloody lucky I agreed to supervised contact. However he didn't like that as that "thing" that smacked my children was not permitted to be there. That was his choice.

QueenB14 · 09/03/2015 22:20

I don't know which child(ren)you are referring to but I don't think they were used as weapons in either case I thought the mothers had concerns and rightfully took steps to protect their dc's

TheMumsRush · 09/03/2015 22:25

I agree, I wouldn't allow my ds around anyone who smacked him, but then neither would his dad. What I'm referring to is stopping contact over smaller issues. I see it time and time again. If you trust your ex as a father and the child is safe and happy then no one should deny the child the right to a father, no matter how much you might not like his new partner.

QueenB14 · 09/03/2015 22:30

But the mum didn't get a chance to like or dislike her, she was kept a secret for a ridiculous amount of time and this woman's dc was staying at her house overnight? I would think that was shady if I was the ex. I don't know if I'd have stopped contact altogether or for that amount of time but I wouldn't be a happy bunny and would want to know what was wrong with the partner that I wasn't allowed to know about her for 4 years

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 22:39

I'm the partner and I'd like to know what was wrong with me!! I'm completely normal and have my DS so home nice and child-friendly. He told her when he initially started seeing me and then that was it, no further discussion. So when his DD came up to stay for a few days (at gms with him) she stayed one night at ours and ex went mental and made him drive her home next morning, cutting short her first visit to DP and his family in years. DD had had a lovely time.

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 22:40

Then, as I said before, she cut all contact, including phone, with him and his DD for a year. Now that's what I call punishment!

QueenB14 · 09/03/2015 22:44

I'm sure you are but wouldn't you wonder if you were the ex? Just saying I would be a bit Hmm and would think there was some reason.

As I've said up thread I wouldn't necessarily do what her mum did re withholding contact but I do understand why she was pissy about it.

Arsenic · 09/03/2015 22:47

Generalising either way is VU.

QueenB14 · 09/03/2015 22:47

But I am very Pfb and in any circs where I had merrily packed my Dd off to her grandparents and that wasn't where she stayed even for the one night I'd be a bit mad, gf or no gf

AliceAnneB · 09/03/2015 22:47

The book stepmonster should be required reading for all stepmums to be. And no one knows what having kids will really be like nevermind being a stepmum.

AGirlCalledBoB · 09/03/2015 22:49

I have a great relationship with my stepmother. My father died when I was 10 but I still see her all the time so I am generally very in support of stepmothers.

I must admit though it does annoy me when stepmothers put down the child's mother for really no other reason than she is a ex or when she tries to overstep the mother.

My stepmother was and remains a huge part of my life and my own mother made her mistakes but my stepmother would never have slated my mother like some women do on here. Especially when they act like the dad is the best thing since sliced bread. Of course everything is down to the mother, nothing to do with the father.

TheMumsRush · 09/03/2015 22:49

I can understand why she was pissy too, but she is also punishing her dd and removing contact is a bit extreme and IMO used as punishment

AGirlCalledBoB · 09/03/2015 23:01

Oh god Cats I can't believe she smacked your 18 month old.

My son is that age and I would want to happily kill someone if they raised a hand to him. That's awful

itsbetterthanabox · 09/03/2015 23:24

I don't think step mothers are treated unfairly.
I've only seen threads where posters have disagreed with the op when the step mum dislikes the child or is jealous of the child, bitches about the ex and buys their dp's my ex was a crazy bitch rhetoric or moans about free time when the father barely has their kids as it is. I don't think step mums should act as parents, it makes it shit for them and it means fathers get to be lazy! As they can palm off parenting to another woman.

Maroonie · 10/03/2015 08:05

Well I'm unreasonable then. I co parent with my partner and he is far from lazy, but maybe thats okay as there's no contact with his mother? but then again maybe only step mums should get contact stopped for hitting children? And after witnessing DSS being abused by his mother I have definitely fallen for the 'my ex is a crazy bitch rhetoric' how am I doing so far? Actually don't tell me- after all step mothers have decided they aren't unreasonable anyway haven't we?

PtolemysNeedle · 10/03/2015 08:17

I don't think it's true that anyone who posts that they are a step parent usually get told they are unreasonable. That seems to be something that is trotted out by other step parents who have themselves probably been or felt unreasonable at times.

Being a step parent is an incredibly difficult job, you have to support your partner and their children, and always consider your step children on your family decisions without having any right to a say in decisions that affect only the step children and while always respecting the other parent even when they make life difficult for the person you love.

It's a tough job, with very little recognition, but there is truth in the line that you knew what you were getting yourself into, even if it is one of this things that you can never really be sure about how hard it's going to be.

People are judged more harshly when they complain about step children instead of their own children because their position doesn't automatically come from one of love. Plenty of step parent resent their step children and the impact they have on their children's or their own lives.

needaholidaynow · 10/03/2015 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annielouisa · 10/03/2015 11:15

I am step mum to 4 adult DC and 11 DGD. I maybe flamed for leaving out the S but the DC have been in my life for 18 years in May. My DH is step dad to my 2 DD and we have loved and supported each other through difficult times. My stepchildren were badly abused by their DM and my DD were abused by their DF.

As a team my DH and I have been their constant rocks and being a stepmum has brought me untold joy. I think it was easier in one way as I did not have to consider anyone but our blended family.

itsbetterthanabox · 10/03/2015 11:29

I don't understand why people post sarcy replies when their situation isn't what is being discussed at all. We are just discussing the posts which there are a lot of where the step mums do certain things.
If your child has no contact with their mother obviously that's different. Is it not obvious?

StockingFullOfCoal · 10/03/2015 12:02

My step mum is one of my favourite people. She's fantastic.

My exsDP however. Couldn't wait to meet my kids. Made a fuss of them for a few months. Then lost interest, apparently. That was 2 years ago. They're still together, she doesn't see them. ExDP lives with his parents. I can see issues in the future should they decide to live together.

Scotchmincepie · 10/03/2015 12:15

If I knew what I now know would I have tapdanced blindly into a relationship then marriage with a man with 3 kids. I don't think I would.

It's a job with very little or no thanks. It's given me sleepless nights and very little joy - that kind of happiness that parents get from just hanging out with their kids. Nope.

But they are, especially when measured by some of the stories on MN step boards - great kids with a great Mum. The relationship with their Dad I treasure and he wouldn't be the same guy if he didn't have them.