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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

so angry with DH need to calm down

108 replies

2boysandcounting1 · 09/03/2015 08:34

This morning had a big row with DH mainly about the state of the house. I saw red as all weekend i have tidied the house, done all the washing and put it away and their was loads. This morning as he was getting ready his clothes were all round the house again, all breakfast things left out of the fridge and the house looked a complete mess again. I was getting children ready and breastfeeding baby. I'm just fed up of the house being a constant mess and in doing all the night waking with the baby so in tired.

What set me off was my husband started saying for fucks sake stop moaning! In front of our 5 year old so i told him not to swear infront of the children aged 5,2 and 3 months. He didn't stop. I said i will stop doing all the tidying and washing as there is no point and he said it was my job i chose this life!!
So angry at him feel he has a complete lack of respect towards me. He said i was lazy! As if i have time to be. I also got called a fucking useless bitch and that i couldn't cope. This was said in front of the boys.

Yesterday his friend was due to come round at 4 and was over an hour late so i said to my DH why not ask him another time and he said if i ruined it i can forget the christening which we are planning for our youngest. I just didn't feel it was great timing coming at tea time. I went upstairs to fees the baby(and calm down) before he got here and my husband came up and said are you not coming down and saying hello. Dont have a problem being polite to his friend as his friend is actually nice, it is more my husbands attitude.

Sorry rambling now but feel wound up and pretty upset.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/03/2015 09:32

it sounds like youre both speaking to each other with complete lack of respect, although he is doing more swearing, and when youre already in the midst of an argument which has gone badly, youre then texting him that hes a disgrace. There doesnt appear to be much love left from either side and youre actually making each other miserable.

Thumbwitch · 10/03/2015 09:39

Time to call a day on it, I feel.

SweetPeaSoup · 10/03/2015 09:43

I couldn't read this and run. Things are completely up in the air at the moment, and I bet you've got that horrible heavy-sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.

My advice would be to make sure the kids are sorted, make yourself a cuppa, and get on the phone to Women's Aid. I don't know my way around this situation, but they will absolutely be able to suggest a course of action for you.

He DOES sound like an abuser, so it's brilliant for both you and the children that you have put your foot down and called him on it. Do you have support nearby - family / friends who can stop in to share that cuppa and generally be there for you? (Most) people on here are great, but a hug is better in person.

Original poster
2boysandcounting1 · 10/03/2015 12:17

Branleuse- i don't agree that I was talking to him with disrespect, i was just standing up for myself. I called him a disgrace as he called me a fucking bitch and slag which to me is disgraceful.

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 10/03/2015 12:30

it sounds like youre both speaking to each other with complete lack of respect, although he is doing more swearing, and when youre already in the midst of an argument which has gone badly, youre then texting him that hes a disgrace

It's not just an arguement that's gone badly though is it?

And to be honest, I think that texting him to tell him he was a disgrace is mild. I would advocate telling everyone that knows him exactly what he said to his wife!

This isn't about just that day, it's about the emotional blackmail, him making her feel unworthy and the outright disgusting names he is calling her. And yes...his abusive behaviour.

2boys...I'm glad he isn't coming back tonight, now just to make sure he doesn't come back at all. How are feeling about that prospect?

passmethewineplease · 10/03/2015 12:38

fizzy really? This man is a horrid abusive shit.

Tired or not you do not call your partner those names in front of your children. You shouldn't call them names full stop.

OP please get out, you and your children deserve better.

Nasty nasty nasty. Oh and abuse doesn't have to be 24/7 for it to be abuse Jesus!

Original poster
2boysandcounting1 · 10/03/2015 12:39

Witchofthenorth- i actually feel numb at the moment and really upset. I feel like speaking to his mom as i know she would not be impressed with how he is at all.

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 10/03/2015 12:43

Have you anyone who can be with you just now? Some support for today/tomorrow?

Does anyone know how he has been treating you?

pand0raslunchb0x · 10/03/2015 12:47

@2boysandcounting1

Forget about the name calling for now... I wouldn't speak to his mother either. I'm going to reitterate what I posted on the previous page as I think time has come for you to take some action...

Your "husband" has become completely complacent, is taking you for granted, does not know where his priorities lie, sounds as if he not capable enough to accept his share of responsibility in supporting you and helping to raise the children. He lacks integrity and you sound like a mismatch as a partnership.
If by some large miracle he realises his shortcomings and steps up to a basic standard requirement of input, effort and respect then maybe it will work, but i think that sounds like it might be too much of a task for him.

If it comes to it and one of you needs to leave the house - it definitely shouldnt be you. As a heads up - If the police are called out to a "domestic" they may be completely unhelpful and say that he owns half of the house so unless he is physically abusive theres not much they can do, I personally would change the locks if he is unmanageable, protecting yourself and your children is of utmost priority until you find a solution with mediation regarding the children, living arrangements and sale of assets etc.

I would advise that you speak to someone that knows you well, is not related or associated with your partner for an unbiased point of view and to safeguard yourself before you do anything rash, make sure you think logically and make unemotional clear decisions. I'd recommend taht you talk about your issues in confidence with this neutral supportive person and seek as much additional support from other sources like a doctor, womens aid, shelter or citizens advice bureau. Wishing you well and hope things improve.

CrystalCove · 10/03/2015 13:07

But you can't just dismiss someone for saying this. ITs not all day long every day, like it is from a genuine abuser is it? Get some perspective, people!

Oh my, this is quite possibly the most ignorant thing Ive ever read on here about abuse! Seriously fizzy - do you believe abuse is only "genuine" if it happens all the time? Thats actually worse than ignorant, its scary. Please go away and educate yourself, that would be helpful to you.

CrystalCove · 10/03/2015 13:08

I forgot to say to that emotional abuse is in fact a more powerful way of controlling a partner than physical.

SuperFlyHigh · 10/03/2015 13:10

better to be by yourself than with this selfish arsehole.

RB68 · 10/03/2015 13:19

Good Luck OP - but he is making you make the decisions here which is yet more manipulation - he is choosing to treat you like this and is there fore in the driving seat - please remember that. You face tough times but without all the abuse you have been receiving, verbal emotional or whatever - how long before he chucks you against the wall or floor instead of the washing...

wol1968 · 10/03/2015 13:24

How about sorting out the washing pile, dumping his clothes in a charity bag on the doorstep and changing the locks?

MinceSpy · 10/03/2015 13:25

OP he's engineered this argument so he can leave you and say 'look how unreasonable she is'. Wonder if there is an OW?. Good luck with whatever you decide

sosix · 10/03/2015 13:27

You know the answer. Ltb seriously.

thatsucks · 10/03/2015 13:27

God there are some bloody shameful responses on here.

Just because Mumsnet has a reputation for saying 'LTB' some posters fall over themselves to say the opposite - even when it is dangerous advice.

In no marriage, situation or universe is it ok for someone to call you useless, a bitch, a slag and to undermine and belittle you when you are just doing your best.

Marriage should not be unconditional and we must all have boundaries and deal breakers.

And I'm actually very traditional and believe in making marriage work wherever possible, where there are children involved. In this case I'd kick his sorry arse out.

popalot · 10/03/2015 13:39

Regarding your question about whether he realises he's being abusive.....I think he uses calling you names, throwing the washing on the floor and telling you you are not 'career minded' or insinuating you are lazy to keep you under his control. They are tactics used to keep you confused, upset and playing catch up all the time so he can stroll in and out and do what he wants. That's what it's all about.

It goes like this: You'll have a build up of biting your tongue and putting up with it, while he gets more and more unkind then bang a big row which you want an apology for then back to the beginning of the cycle where he'll be 'nice' as pie, then gradually start being rude/unkind until you have a big blow up again. And so on. Each time, the blow up is worse because you start to become more immune to the verbal aggression (although you hurt inside) so the abuser ups the anti and will start to get physical - throwing things around is the beginning. Then it becomes throwing things at you. Then it becomes swinging you around by your arm. Then it graduates to a hit. This is how it works. It is about him using tactics to control you.

Telling his mum might be helpful, but in my experience they will think you are exaggerating and maybe think you are a bit mad. even my own mother thinks I somehow caused/encouraged abusive behaviour. If someone hasn't experienced it, they don't get it. It takes a good while after the relationship has ended to realise it is actually abuse.

For now, he's being unkind and you are very unhappy and you need to get some space from that. Then you can read these posts again and analyse what has actually been going on.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/03/2015 13:39

I am sorry you are having to go through this and I think he sounds abusive and horrible.

Legally you cannot change the locks so please ignore this advice. However, as he has told you he won't be home tonight you could lock up fully and leave the key in the lock by accident and if that means he can't get in, so be it. He said he wouldn't be home and you believed him.

Please speak to Women's Aid to get some advice how to move forward. In the meantime make sure you have copies or originals of all key documents such as:-
Rent / Mortgage
Bank and Credit card statements
Passports
Details of his work and income
Car docs if you own one
Photos and other items you might want to keep safe.

You don't want him to leave and then find out he has taken your passport or the details of rent /mortgage leaving you with no info.

ihatelego · 10/03/2015 13:41

sounds awful i've had a few arguments with my dp recently about housework too and i know how it feels when you work so hard and they just go around with no consideration for tidying up or helping! have you spoken to him when you've both calmed down? after an argument when we're both calm my dp will apologise if he swore and say he's out of order and helps out more, if your dh doesn't hae the decency to act like an adult who respects you and at least apologise after speaking to you and treating you like that then maybe it's time to consider you own wellbeing and happiness and if this is the life and treatment you want.

hugs< x

pand0raslunchb0x · 10/03/2015 13:49

Chaz that is a great idea about "locking up fully" and wise advice on the documents too.

Ihatelego - OP has said its not just about washing or cleaning - it's the way he treats and speaks to her, constantly belittling and undermining her wih no respect or apology and voiding any of her opinions and telling her she's useless and not career minded so callously attacking her self worth.
Marriage is definitely NOT any of those things. I like the sentiment of your post though.

ihatelego · 10/03/2015 14:54

2boysandcounting

Please scrap the last comment I put I've read the thread in full and how he's reacted since your op and that's horrific.

Do you have a close friend or family that you can speak to for some help while you sort out getting away from him?

I have experience with women's aid they're absolutely fantastic they will look after you and give you the best advice so please look them up, I can also recommend domestic abuse talk groups if you have any locally, i went to one and they teach you how to recognise cycles of abuse and talk to other women who have had the same problem.

Lastly, please don't let him make you feel worthless, he doesn't deserve you to treat you like this and you're worth so much more. Just remember that however hard it gets and it is horrible and if you decide to leave him for good which i hope you do you will go through some very tough times initially but it isn't permanent and when you're out and sorted you will feel so much better and hopefully find someone that respects and loves you the way you deserve to be.

Please keep us updated on the situation,

big hugs

adventuretime11 · 10/03/2015 20:51

All the best op. You will be so much better without him.

AnnieMoor · 10/03/2015 20:58

It really sounds like there is no love or respect between the 2 of you.

I hope you can find the courage to separate - it sounds like an awful atmosphere for your children.

notnaice · 10/03/2015 22:19

Get the documents suggested above, together. Then talk to women's aid. Do it for the kids, if not yourself.
This is not going to get better on its own.