Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

so angry with DH need to calm down

108 replies

2boysandcounting1 · 09/03/2015 08:34

This morning had a big row with DH mainly about the state of the house. I saw red as all weekend i have tidied the house, done all the washing and put it away and their was loads. This morning as he was getting ready his clothes were all round the house again, all breakfast things left out of the fridge and the house looked a complete mess again. I was getting children ready and breastfeeding baby. I'm just fed up of the house being a constant mess and in doing all the night waking with the baby so in tired.

What set me off was my husband started saying for fucks sake stop moaning! In front of our 5 year old so i told him not to swear infront of the children aged 5,2 and 3 months. He didn't stop. I said i will stop doing all the tidying and washing as there is no point and he said it was my job i chose this life!!
So angry at him feel he has a complete lack of respect towards me. He said i was lazy! As if i have time to be. I also got called a fucking useless bitch and that i couldn't cope. This was said in front of the boys.

Yesterday his friend was due to come round at 4 and was over an hour late so i said to my DH why not ask him another time and he said if i ruined it i can forget the christening which we are planning for our youngest. I just didn't feel it was great timing coming at tea time. I went upstairs to fees the baby(and calm down) before he got here and my husband came up and said are you not coming down and saying hello. Dont have a problem being polite to his friend as his friend is actually nice, it is more my husbands attitude.

Sorry rambling now but feel wound up and pretty upset.

OP posts:
fizzycolagurlie · 09/03/2015 19:01

I think there is a tendency on Mumsnet to jump to the "divorce him" rant.

Yes, what he said was insulting and nasty but she said he is not normally like this.

Its taken out of the context of their life. How much sleep did he have the night before, how stressed is he?

I know its not normal. I can't imagine my DH speaking to me like this (I'd likely laugh in his face and tip a cup of tea on his head).

But you can't just dismiss someone for saying this. ITs not all day long every day, like it is from a genuine abuser is it? Get some perspective, people!

fizzycolagurlie · 09/03/2015 19:02

sorry OP I cross posted.

Has he apologised?

woowoo22 · 09/03/2015 19:52

Fizzycola, have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Genuine question.

Original poster
2boysandcounting1 · 09/03/2015 20:00

Fizzycola, no he hasn't apologised, he hasn't even mentioned it. He is upstairs putting the children to bed while i feed the baby. Can't believe he can try and talk to me like nothing has happened.

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 09/03/2015 20:04

It is the nice and nasty cycle. Designed to keep you hanging on for the nice. Small crumbs of affection while you spend your days walking on eggshells doing everything in your power not to set him off.

Witchofthenorth · 09/03/2015 20:06

Calling your wife a slag, manipulating her with the threat of no more children and a christening and swearing at her and making her feel worthless are not the actions of a man who is a little stressed or tired fizzy

Christ on a bike!

OP, this is awful and his treatment of you is deplorable. You need to leave, you and your children will be so much better without him. This is abusive behaviour and absolutely shouldn't be tolerated! Jesus, even of he was stressed or tired and it was a one off, it is still unacceptable.

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2015 20:09

ITs not all day long every day, like it is from a genuine abuser is it? Get some perspective, people!

Are you reading the same thread as everyone else? What would it take for you to class it as abuse?

Iflyaway · 09/03/2015 20:16

Have you got your contraception in order OP (sorry, none of my business I know).

Just don't have any more children with this waste of space. He's horrible. Lazy, self-entitled, puts his mates before his children and you, slags you off in front of his kids great way of teaching them about human relationships

He should be cherishing you, the mother of his children!

Iflyaway · 09/03/2015 20:23

ITs not all day long every day, like it is from a genuine abuser is it? Get some perspective, people

Oh dear, some people have just never experienced abuse.... And I hope they never will!!

Of course abusers do not do it all day every day. They have their charming side too - probably more than 50% of the time.....

That's what is so insidious....

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 09/03/2015 20:31

He said all of that in front of your children? Sad

He's a nasty fuck isn't he?

YouAreMyRain · 09/03/2015 21:33

Fizzy so it's ok for OPs DH to call her a fucking useless bitch and a slag in front of the DC if he's tired?
Confused
Is it ok for him to punch her in front of the DC if he's tired or angry?
Or rape her if he's horny?
Something's are never acceptable, under any circumstances.
I am not jumping in screaming "divorce!", I have shared my experience of leaving an abuser with the OP.
My exH only called me a name once, sort of, he muttered it when I was out of the room and I heard him. It wasn't to my face, it wasn't in front of the DC. He did other shitty stuff but basically I left him because he wasn't nice, I was frightened of his anger, I felt sick when I heard his key in the lock. Some would classify the abuse I experienced as low level, I was never hit or verbally abused, but there was emotional abuse and he was very angry and controlling. It was too much for me, I left him.

OP a really good book to read is "why does he do that? -inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft" very eye opening and insightful. I was terrified my exH would find it and had to hide it, that says a lot!

spongebob5 · 09/03/2015 22:09

OP please contact Womens Aid for some support, & look into doing the freedom programme. You & your children deserve better than this!

fizzycolagurlie · 10/03/2015 02:24

2boysandcounting1 I am sorry to hear that. I really hope he sees sense and apologizes to you, or at least becomes willing to talk about what happened. I really hope things turn around.

fizzycolagurlie · 10/03/2015 02:26

Youaremyrain
You have a lot of anger and I can see why, and I'm sorry to see that. I don't think you read my post to the end, its actually a very balanced response. I suggest you go back and look at it again.

ApocalypseThen · 10/03/2015 06:25

its actually a very balanced response.

It actually isn't. It's a very silly response from start to finish aimed at minimizing this man's behaviour and finding excuses for something totally unacceptable.

antumbra · 10/03/2015 06:41

fizzy- I found your post very patronising. Most abusers don't abuse " all day every day". Most abusers spend a large amount of their time being utterly charming- even apologetic to their partners. I don't think you really understand the nature of abuse.

I too have been in an abusive relationship and reading this thread sets off alarm bells to me.

YouAreMyRain · 10/03/2015 06:49

Fizzy - I read all your post. At best it's ignorant of the cycles and dynamics of abusive relationships, at worst its excusing and apologising domestic abuse.
You do realise that in your post you are saying it's ok to be abusive if you are tired, don't you? I'm not sure the justice system takes people's tiredness into account when prosecuting them, with good reason.
Maybe you should reread your own post because I'm clearly not the only one on here who finds it disturbing.

LindyHemming · 10/03/2015 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 10/03/2015 07:12

I have rows with DH. We get heated, we get angry, we swear. Sometimes in front of DC (not big nor clever and we really do try not to do this).

What we don't ever do is call each other names like that - DH would never call me a slag nor anything similar, nor would he try emotional blackmail like your H has - it would be the beginning of the end if he started that shit!

Your H has zero respect for you, and for what you do. You are counted as "worthless" because you have no "monetary value" - as in you don't bring in any money. If you care enough, I suggest you sit down and work out how much money you are saving him in childcare and cleaning costs. So next time he throws your lack of working in your face, tell him how much you'd cost to be paid - because that's what he'd have to pay out if you weren't around.

Glad you've already decided not to have any more children with this person; and I completely understand why you have no interest in intimacy with someone who has no respect for you.

Original poster
2boysandcounting1 · 10/03/2015 09:12

Well this morning things were no different. I told him that he hadn't apologised for what he called me and he said he would never apologise to me and got our son back out of the car as he was taking him to school.

I told him that i wasn't doing any more washing for him so he tipped the clothes horse full of clothes over. The kitchen now looks terrible. I am on the brink of tears. I have never felt so alone.

He told me to get a job and then said that i was never career minded. He then said he is not coming home tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
2boysandcounting1 · 10/03/2015 09:16

This wasn't in front of the children luckily. All my clothes sand children's clothes are all over the kitchen floor.

OP posts:
Schoolaroundthecorner · 10/03/2015 09:19

Good I'm glad he's not coming home, you will have a much nicer evening as a result. Tell him he's not coming back at all OP.

he's setting a dreadful example for your kids and you do not need or deserve this abuse. You truly will be much better off without him.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 10/03/2015 09:20

Tell him to make that a permanent arrangement. Latch the doors and go to bed!

DandyHighwayman · 10/03/2015 09:24

Ugh what a pig

Well you know where you stand now. Have a cup of tea, ring your mum or a good friend for some RL support. You'll have to pick up the mess, let this be the last time your clear up his stuff, yes?

antumbra · 10/03/2015 09:29

Well done.

You don't want your kids growing up in this environment.