so angry with DH need to calm down

[2boysandcounting1]

This morning had a big row with DH mainly about the state of the house. I saw red as all weekend i have tidied the house, done all the washing and put it away and their was loads. This morning as he was getting ready his clothes were all round the house again, all breakfast things left out of the fridge and the house looked a complete mess again. I was getting children ready and breastfeeding baby. I'm just fed up of the house being a constant mess and in doing all the night waking with the baby so in tired.

What set me off was my husband started saying for fucks sake stop moaning! In front of our 5 year old so i told him not to swear infront of the children aged 5,2 and 3 months. He didn't stop. I said i will stop doing all the tidying and washing as there is no point and he said it was my job i chose this life!!
So angry at him feel he has a complete lack of respect towards me. He said i was lazy! As if i have time to be. I also got called a fucking useless bitch and that i couldn't cope. This was said in front of the boys.

Yesterday his friend was due to come round at 4 and was over an hour late so i said to my DH why not ask him another time and he said if i ruined it i can forget the christening which we are planning for our youngest. I just didn't feel it was great timing coming at tea time. I went upstairs to fees the baby(and calm down) before he got here and my husband came up and said are you not coming down and saying hello. Dont have a problem being polite to his friend as his friend is actually nice, it is more my husbands attitude.

Sorry rambling now but feel wound up and pretty upset.

I'd see a solicitor to discuss your options and contact Women's Aid. He's a bully.

Crikey is he always this way towards you? You're under huge amounts of pressure having three young children, never mind an adult man-baby added into the mix. Do you have much of a support network of your own if you were to consider leaving him?

You sound like a lovely Mum, doing everything for them all. Unfortunately, you need some support. If he's not giving you the support you need, what's he doing in the relationship? What's he giving you bar grief? Anyone who speaks that way about the parent of their child needs more help than you can give. From this point on my only advice is that you must put yourself and your children first. If that means taking him out of the equation, do it. If it means laying down the law and instructing him he must never speak to you like that, do it. Do whatever it takes to ensure your children have a happy, secure home. They don't need two parents to have that. One cracking parent can be enough.

Seriously, start looking into benefits and saving some money if you can (without him knowing and into your own bank account).

Women's Aid will be able to offer some advice and there's benefit calculators online or contact your local benefits team. Do you have family local?

A friend of mine is now on her own after leaving her abusive husband. People are so supportive and I'm sure you've got friends who's be more than happy to help. My friend borrowed some of our baby stuff and buggy etc while she had no car etc. I couldn't think of a better person to help out and would have helped out more had we been closer.

What i always wondered was do abusive people know they are being abusive because i find it hard to believe he is being like this on purpose. But then i think if i over heard somebody elses husband speaking to them in this way it would sound wrong.

if i over heard somebody elses husband speaking to them in this way it would sound wrong.

YES, OP. It is wrong. My DP and I have had our moments, but neither of us has ever spoken to the other the way your H speaks to you.

Please contact Womens Aid and look for other advice and support on how you can manage financially without him.

It is wrong. I think that sometimes abusive people don't accept that they are being abusive. So what? Whatever they are thinking in their heads doesn't matter - it doesn't change their behaviour and it doesn't change the situation for you of living with someone who is abusive.

'When we chat he says its heat of the moment and he didn't mean it.' Really? You fall for this? It could well be that it's the heat of the moment and just pops out and he doesn't mean it. Again, so what? The reason it just pops out with you is because he has no respect for you. At all. do you think he goes into work and calls his boss a fucking lazy cunt? Or says 'god mum sometimes you are such a useless bitch' to his mother? Or 'Dad, why are you such a moaning old wanker?'

Your children are being damaged by witnessing this.

And how long before he starts on them?

Sounds like a shit life, for you. It won't be any more shit on benefits for a bit till you can get yourself established without him. Single parenting is a breeze compared to parenting with someone who treats you like this and behaves in a way that damages the children.

psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/03/07/beyond-the-physical-6-signs-of-silently-abusive-relationships/

You might find this interesting reading.

@2boysandcounting1

Really sorry to hear about your situation! From what youve said all of the above comments are salient to be honest. Your "husband" has become completely complacent, is taking you for granted, does not know where his priorities lie, sounds as if he not capable enough to accept his share of responsibility in supporting you and helping to raise the children. He lacks integrity and you sound like a mismatch as a partnership.
If by some large miracle he realises his shortcomings and steps up to a basic standard requirement of input, effort and respect then maybe it will work, but i think that sounds like it might be too much of a task for him.

If it comes to it and one of you needs to leave the house - it definitely shouldnt be you. As a heads up - If the police are called out to a "domestic" they may be completely unhelpful and say that he owns half of the house so unless he is physically abusive theres not much they can do, I personally would change the locks if he is unmanageable, protecting yourself and your children is of utmost priority until you find a solution with mediation regarding the children, living arrangements and sale of assets etc.

I would advise that you speak to someone that knows you well, is not related or associated with your partner for an unbiased point of view and to safeguard yourself before you do anything rash, make sure you think logically and make unemotional clear decisions. I'd recommend taht you talk about your issues in confidence with this neutral supportive person and seek as much additional support from other sources like a doctor, womens aid, shelter or citizens advice bureau. Wishing you well and hope things improve.

He sounds awful! Do you really think it would be harder on your own? Have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk and see what you might be able to claim in the way of benefits.

At least if you were on your own you wouldn't have another adult making mess in the house, wouldn't be worried about sweary rows breaking out in front of the kids, not having your dreams used as a weapon against you, not be manipulated and abused by someone who is supposed to love you.

i think you should kick him out.
what a prick.

YADNBU what a useless husband and father! Firstly stop having more children with him because you obviously know what he's like. Secondly think of going it alone with your kids. He has no respect for you, the names he called you were awful and especially in front of your kids.
What a vile man.

He sounds horrible. I'm not going to join in the voices saying you should leave him but I am going to implore you not to have another baby with him.

I hope you will leave when you are ready. It can take a while to build up the courage but you really should not have to put up with this. X

Have you heard of the boiling frog analogy?

If you put a frog into a pan of boiling water it would jump out. If you put it into a pan of cold water it would stay there, then the heat gets turned up, little by little, it becomes uncomfortable for the frog but it's happy it its familiar pan of water, it gets slowly hotter until it's boiling but it's happened so gradually that the frog doesn't realise.

Abusers are charming and manipulative. They start off with the flowers and love and romance, they draw you in, get you hooked. Then they get a bit grumpy because the dinner you made is too cold. You blame yourself, apologise, warm it up, you ask yourself how you could be so useless as to serve cold food! You don't want to upset this prize of a man who clearly loves you. You start fretting about the temperature of his food. The next time the food is cold, he gets really angry, he works hard all week and comes home to this!! How can you be so useless? Other men wouldn't put up with this! You're lucky he's still with you!!

You blame yourself etc etc but it's not just about the food. The children are too noisy, his trousers aren't ready, the MOT is due, you haven't hoovered.

But he tells you he loves you and you believe him. He's great with the kids! Other people respect him and envy you. He's brilliant 95% of the time!

The trouble is the 5%. The knot of fear in your stomach, not wanting to upset him, not telling him things in case he gets angry. You are nervous, anxious, walking on egg shells.

Most abused people do not realise that they are being abused. It happens incrementally.

For most people the name calling, the swearing in front of the DC, the verbal abuse, those are boundaries, lines that cannot be crossed. Most people with healthy boundaries would walk away if those lines were crossed. Your idea of "normal", your idea of what a "healthy relationship" looks like has become distorted. His behaviour is totally unacceptable to most people.

I understand because I was in your situation. Terrified of coping on my own, not knowing how I would survive financially etc. But I did it and it's the best thing I ever did. I am so proud of myself. Check out the benefits calculator linked above. Plus he would have to pay you maintenance (I think it would be 25% of his take home pay with 3 dc and it's not taken into account for tax credits etc)

Your DH is nasty and swearing at you, name calling in front of the dc, that is exposing them to emotional abuse, it is not acceptable. At all.

Sorry i haven't been on, for some reason my phone wouldn't let me log in until now so i couldn't reply to you all.

Thankyou for all the useful advice, really appreciate it.

Youaremyrain- i hadn't heard of the boiling frog but that's so true what it says. Thanks for posting that.

Also thankyou for the links i will look at them later when children are in bed.

What a horrible twat. So sorry that you are having to put up with this. If this is not just an exhausted grumpy parent blip you should LTB or tell him to bugger off x

He chooses to behave like a twat. I would not choose to be with him. He's aceSnker and you should kick him out. See a solicitor.

You don't have to put up with this. You can do it on your own, you will be much happier. I've done it after putting it off for a long time. Don't spend another year/5/10 years with this bully

oh dear, he's not just being unkind - he's throwing his weight around verbally and emotionally. You need to get advice asap from solicitor. He's not likely to change and you're not likely to have a better life with him. In my experience, it gets worse. Sorry, not good news for you, but I think you know which way you are heading. Have to say, from experience, single motherhood is hard financially (not impossible tho) but a billion times better than living with an ogre, for mu m and kids.

I like the shity coffee analogy - If you have a cup of 90% good coffee but it has 10% shit in it would you still drink it?

He isnt treating you very nicely at all :(I think you need to start thinking about collecting relevant documents etc
x

I NEVER say LTB but you really need to. What an absolute prick! Your poor boys, get out now before they think this is how women should be treated

2boysandcounting1

When you have small children its the time there's most strain on the relationship. We only have two, but we argued a lot out of tiredness and being overwhelmed with the mess.

Its hard but you need to sort of find a way to "forgive" each other and work together to make things better, first in a practical way (cleaning up not leaving stuff out - him) and then in an emotional way, you'll feel more inclined to be affectionate.

It took us a few years to sort it out but we did it in the end. Now we rarely have an argument and we both pitch in. Granted he pretty much sticks to putting things in the dishwasher and shaking out the duvet, but he is better at picking up his clothes, etc than he used to be.

You kind of have to decide to be the bigger one in this and start the conciliation between you. Agree on ground rules, like no swearing in front of the kids no fighting in front of the kids etc.

hope helpful.

Fizzycola - he called her a fucking useless bitch and a slag.

This isn't a "we're grumpy and tired and both need to pull our weight" situation.

Arguments about the house being a tip? I think it's a rare one of us who hasnt done that...easily done and easily forgiven.

Your other half calling you a slag? Massive, massive flashing red light, alarm bells and sirens. Absolutely not ok.

Seriously - you are my rain's advice above is spot on. he sounds like a total shit.

He is home now and trying to talk to me. I cant even look at him never mind talk to him and the funny thing is I have achieved more this evening with doing it myself than with me helping me as i have just got on with it. He has also asked me what's for tea!! I bought myself some nice soup and French stick so I'm having that.