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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sick of DHs excuses for DD's bad behaviour!

99 replies

Fatlapdancer · 09/03/2015 08:07

We have two DD's eldest is 5 and youngest 19 months. We have quite literally had the weekend from hell with both of them winding each other up.

DD1 has been going through an awkward phase for the last 3+ years now. Nothing is ever right for her! She won't eat anything I cook for her, every meal she's had she's thrown on the floor this weekend!! I use the naughty step and take away treats butDH says I'm being too harsh. Like yesterday morning when she threw her crumpets on the floor "oh she's tired". NO SHE IS FUCKING NOT!! She's been up an hour and had 12 hours sleep 7pm-7am!! NOT.TIRED.

She has moaned, screamed and cried all weekend. We went out for dinner yesterday as a very rare treat. Sunday dinner all over the floor due to my Brazilla daughter and my sackless DH "oh she's tired". No she's turning into a complete and utter prissy princess because you have never backed me up with punishments and you have always pussy footed around your PFB!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatlapdancer · 09/03/2015 08:18

Sorry cut myself short!! She has ripped out every page in every book in her room. My ask her to make her bed and tidy her toys away as her little 5 minute "chores" which I dont think is unreasonable - DD 19 months even tidies her toys away but oh no I'm asking too much of them according to DH.

She's ripped all of the lining off her car seat, kicked holes in the plaster in her bedroom and of case DD2 is sat watching so we are likely to have a repeat problem in the next year or two. She's just so difficult and I feel as though she doesn't love me. I just wonder where the hell I went wrong!

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 09/03/2015 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fatlapdancer · 09/03/2015 08:21

We both work. He works fully I me and I work part time - mostly nights so he looks after them/ puts them to bed although they are sometimes still up when I get back at 11:30pm grrr

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatlapdancer · 09/03/2015 08:25

He tells me I am far too strict with them but I don't think I am. I maybe over compensate for what he doesn't do and I've explained to him that if he stepped up to the plate a bit more then I would be able to relax a bit. It's not like they don't get any attention. We've always put inthe effort to play with them, take them for walks, read with them etc. I just don't get why she's so difficult. Even a trip to the supermarket is a nightmare because she just tantrums. If I walk off and leave her I get judged for it and I stay and try to calm her down I get judged so I can't win

OP posts:
kwerty · 09/03/2015 08:25

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this; it sound as though you need help with her behaviour, not with your DH's attitude. Meant in the nicest way!

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 09/03/2015 08:27

Maybe post in behaviour and development for some support? You definitely need to show a united front with discipline, and it sounds like you need some techniques that you're both on board with.

Original poster
Fatlapdancer · 09/03/2015 08:29

^^ thank you both I will see if I can get it moved

OP posts:
pictish · 09/03/2015 08:29

I'm with you. At 5 your daughter knows that throwing food on the floor is naughty and provocative behaviour. Your dh is being foolish. She's tired...my backside.

I think you're right in thinking something has to be done about this...otherwise he is setting her up to rule the roost, and you can't have that.

pictish · 09/03/2015 08:31

Kwerty how is she supposed to sort out her dd's behaviour if her dh (and co parent) condones it?

chinstrappenguin · 09/03/2015 08:42

Is your 19 month still under a HV? Maybe worth speaking to them regarding your elder DD. I had a problem with my older DD and even though she was no longer in the care of the HV, she really helped.

differentnameforthis · 09/03/2015 08:42

You don't sound like you like her very much, op. Perhaps she is picking up on this?

although they are sometimes still up when I get back at 11:30pm grrr So she IS tired. It doesn't matter of she has 12hrs sleep normally, it doesn't take many late nights to completely over ride the good that 12 hours can do.

Rjae · 09/03/2015 08:44

Does DH like this behaviour from his DD? Does she play him up like this or not because she does what she likes with him? Either way you both need to get on the same page with parenting and your DH needs to be made to understand how this behaviour and his lax parenting will translate in 10 years time.

HSMMaCM · 09/03/2015 08:45

Bet she doesn't throw her dinner at school, whether she's tired or not. You and DH need to work out a consistent behaviour policy, which you will both stick to. Make it praise for good behaviour whenever possible.

BertieBotts · 09/03/2015 08:51

The thing is even if she is tired, it's not something you can just let her do.

However it does sound like she's not responding well to a punitive approach? Have you looked at other ways of managing behaviour?

Looking at the reason behind something is definitely something I agree with but it doesn't mean that you just go "Oh well, it doesn't matter then." It means that you use that understanding to tackle the cause of the behaviour. (I agree with you that in this case she probably wasn't tired!)

Marmiteandjamislush · 09/03/2015 08:52

Our DS2 (just 4) also throws food, when he's being really, really vile. Blush I understand why you feel annoyed with your DH about this, luckily mine backs me up, but I would be furious if he didn't! I just find it such feral behaviour and it does really rile me, but the best thing I find is not to react (easier said than done, I know!) It is not tiredness at this age, they can express that in other ways, point this out to DH and get him to step up.

Seeline · 09/03/2015 08:53

At 5 presumably your DD is at school? What do the teachers say about her behaviour?
If she is regularly up late with her Dad, then she could be tired after 12 hours sleep on one night - she needs a regular routine - same bed time every night (not staying up late at weekends either).
When she throws her dinner on the floor, does she get more food? I would make her get down, clear up the mess and then wait until the next meal.
I would try to ignore naughty behaviour as much as possible. Tell her it is wrong, tell her you are sad and disappointed that she has behaved that way and then move on. She sounds like she is doing it for the attention (unless she actually has a behavioural issue - hence the query about behaviour in school).
You and your DH have got to agree on a method of dealing with her and stick to it. If she constantly gets mixed messages she will not know where the boundaries are.

thoth · 09/03/2015 08:55

She is tired, and a five year old needs consistent bedtimes. Your DH needs to understand this. My eldest is unbelievably badly behaved when she's tired, an angel when not. She just cannot control her impulses when she's tired.

CocktailQueen · 09/03/2015 08:56

How does she behave at school? Sounds like she has anger problems - at 5 she knows it's wrong to throw food, rip pages out of books etc.

sounds like you need to have a word with her teacher, also maybe the HV. You and dh need to work together too to be more consistent and parent together, or she will play you off against each other.

A consistent routine would help - kids up at 11.30??! No way.

Try reading 123 magic and getting your dh on board. Do you want to carry on like this for the next 10 years? And she's been behaving like this for 3 years?

Original poster
Fatlapdancer · 09/03/2015 09:46

She's good as gold at school! Comes home with star of the week awards etc. I just can't understand it. Of course I like her, I love her to bits!! She's just very, very challenging! I like to haven hem in bed by 8pm at the latest. To be fair DH usually has them put to bed long before I get back but she knows that she can play her dad a lot more than she can play me!

When she throws food on then floor, she refuses to clean it up and I usually end up cleaning it up, my bad, I know (sorry for turn of phrase!) She doesn't get anything else though. DH is with me on this one. He hates waste and we both work too hard to put food on the table for her to fling it on the floor because she doesn't like it and then scream that she's starving!!

I've told DH that tired or not, it is not acceptable to act up.

OP posts:
Sidge · 09/03/2015 10:07

I bet she's playing up at home because there's no consistency.

You and her dad need to be on the same page with parenting strategies. She's only 5, she needs clear and consistent boundaries and consequences. She can do it at school because the boundaries are there, clear, defined and there WILL be consequences.

At home she rules the roost by the sounds of it - your DH is weak and ineffectual, you are trying to discipline her but not being backed up by the other parent. She's running rings round you both and it isn't a phase - phases don't last 3+ years.

You need to have a SERIOUS chat with your DH because otherwise you are going to have 2 stroppy little madams for daughters and by the time they are teenagers they may well be out of control. Destroying car seats, walls and belongings at 5 and your DH's excuse is "she's tired"? Well put her to bed earlier, discipline her and parent her effectively otherwise he'll be telling a police officer "she's tired" when he's bailing her out of the local nick at 15!

I feel for you, it's exhausting when you're battling a partner regarding parenting. Tell him to cop on and take action.

BarbarianMum · 09/03/2015 10:22

She does soud tired, and also miserable and unhappy.

You and your dh need to agree some parenting techniques - it's not just a matter of him backing you up. And I'd also recommend you spend some 1 on 1 positive time with your eldest to try and break this cycle - this won't work immediately but persist.

And tell your idiot dh that 11.30pm is not a good bed time for a small child.

And sympathy also -we have just come out of 3 months of hell w ds2 -aged 6. What sorted that was me being calmer, playing with him more (we are the king and queen of 'too busy') and him going to bed earlier every night (8pm bedtime moved to 7.30pm). School is exhausting when you're little.

Goldenbear · 09/03/2015 10:23

At 5 I don't think you can be flippant about the tiredness causing pretty much 'all' of this. If its ad hoc and she's going to bed at 11pm frequently as you implied at first, it's definitely going to accumulate and cause a problem. Equally, if she doesn't get any other food once it lands on the floor (which I understand) she's going to be hungry as well. I have a nearly 8 year old who still behaves emotionally through lack of sleep or food. They 'are' the reasons behind most problems with my DS and definitely with my nearly 4 year old. Your looking to eliminate the problem you've got to address that issue IMO.

mildlyacquiescent · 09/03/2015 10:28

Your DH sounds lazy and irresponsible.

I'd be furious.

You HAVE to form a united front. His excuse-making isn't doing her any favours.

And the late late bedtimes for a school-age child... Shock that's crap. Any chance he is doing play-doh, storybooks with them for al that time or are they plonked in front of something while he pisses about on the internet?

DisappointedOne · 09/03/2015 10:29

I suspect your "discipline" has a lot to do with it. Lots of reasons why naughty steps and time outs are ineffective and cause further bad behaviour.

99/100 my 4 year old daughter acts up if she's tired or hungry (she often doesn't recognise that she is). This seems to be common amongst her friends and classmates. Understanding where the issue is is part of the problem.

differentnameforthis · 09/03/2015 10:31

Goldenbear has a good point wrt to the hunger. My dd (6) can be a little rotter if she is hungry, and if left too long (as dh did the other day - I was out) she gets over hungry & can't eat what is given to her.

Granted, she don't throw it on the floor.

You letting her refuse to clear up her own mess isn't helping. My girls do their fair share here, and if they spill food, they clear it up. I am not a slave, I will not get on knees & clear up a mess they caused (unless they throw up)

I think I would have offered at least some fruit/a sandwich.