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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of DHs excuses for DD's bad behaviour!

99 replies

Fatlapdancer · 09/03/2015 08:07

We have two DD's eldest is 5 and youngest 19 months. We have quite literally had the weekend from hell with both of them winding each other up.

DD1 has been going through an awkward phase for the last 3+ years now. Nothing is ever right for her! She won't eat anything I cook for her, every meal she's had she's thrown on the floor this weekend!! I use the naughty step and take away treats butDH says I'm being too harsh. Like yesterday morning when she threw her crumpets on the floor "oh she's tired". NO SHE IS FUCKING NOT!! She's been up an hour and had 12 hours sleep 7pm-7am!! NOT.TIRED.

She has moaned, screamed and cried all weekend. We went out for dinner yesterday as a very rare treat. Sunday dinner all over the floor due to my Brazilla daughter and my sackless DH "oh she's tired". No she's turning into a complete and utter prissy princess because you have never backed me up with punishments and you have always pussy footed around your PFB!!!

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 09/03/2015 10:33

she doesn't throw it on the floor.

DisappointedOne · 09/03/2015 10:43

As for sleep, the timing of the sleep is important. DD is a night owl (as am I). Waking at 7am leaves us both tired no matter how many hours sleep we've had the night before. Neither of us are very into breakfast (eating before the day is into double figures makes me feel sick) so I don't force the issue.

I think you need to think about what you're asking her to do and whether it's for your benefit or hers.

BertieBotts · 09/03/2015 10:46

Throwing food on the floor and tantrums in the supermarket do seem extreme behaviours for a five year old, most children have outgrown them by then.

With the late bedtimes is it that DH is reluctant to put them to bed or is he trying and struggling/failing to? Because if he's trying but not managing, that would be another alarm bell and I would start to wonder if there was perhaps something else going on. Although if she is regularly going to bed so late because he can't really be arsed and the general contrast between daddy no boundaries and mummy disciplinarian that is going to be confusing too and I agree that cumulative tiredness may well be the cause of such immature behaviour for her age.

pictish · 09/03/2015 11:02

I agree that consistent and appropriate bedtimes are an excellent place to start. Then you need to put your collective heads together and figure out a method of dealing with naughty behaviour that you can both adhere to.

Throwing food on the floor then screaming that she's starving is unacceptable. The disrespect, the mess, the noise...all of it is what you might expect in a toddler. Yes she is only five and will have her moments yet and many of them to come, but there is a limit, and she has breeched it. It's a zero tolerance situation.

Your dh needs to take his daddy goggles off and get real.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/03/2015 11:05

Sounds like your DH wants to be 'a friend' and not a parent.

You need to explain to him that the reason his daughter is behaving like a brat at home is because he allows her to by not disciplining her and the reason she behaves at school is because there are clear rules that she needs to follow and clear consequences if she does not.

Ask him what he is going to do when she is 5/10 years and older and bigger and she will not listen to him.

He needs to start to parent her now or he will have to face the consequences.

Purplepoodle · 09/03/2015 12:12

1 2 3 Magic worked well for us.

mildlyacquiescent · 09/03/2015 12:18

ANother vote for 123. I understand it doesn't work with every child but it was useful for us.

holeinmyheart · 09/03/2015 12:41

Sorry but I think you have one angry child here. I know you love her but do you actually like her?
You have a 19 mth old who you say picks up her toys and is probably adorable. I think your eldest is jealous.
She is too young to address her feelings and rationalise and so is responding with raw emotion.
They say bringing another baby into the home, is like taking a Mistress home and telling your wife ' love her like I do '

I think you should arrange some fun time alone with your eldest and makes sure that she feels your love. When she is older she will not remember the words but she will remember the feelings of warmth and acceptance that she felt from you.
Give over praising the little one in front of her for a bit and ignore any bad behaviour ( unless it endangers her life)
I think if you are not more patient with her, your little 5 year old is in danger of becoming the focus of your stressful life.
She is too young to have a strategy for winding you up, or for thinking, if I am a good quiet girl, Mummy will like me more.

I know what you are going through is hard and some times I felt like throttling my children. However a loving childhood, with a calm rational Mother and Father is a wonderful thing to experience.
You are the adult here and only you can modify your behaviour so that it modifys hers.
Best of luck as no one is perfect but sometimes we are so tired and stressed that we can't see the wood for the trees. Be patient!

mildlyacquiescent · 09/03/2015 12:47

holeinmyheart

I think that mistress analogy is appalling.

Yes, sibling rivalry is a thing, but many older siblings do dote on their baby brothers and sisters nonetheless.

I also don't think OP gives the impression that she "dislikes" her kid.

I do agree with the bulk of your post, though- the kid doesn't really understand what she is doing, or why.

IreneA78 · 09/03/2015 13:41

Your child is unhappy, and communicating this to you loud and clear.You need to get to the bottom of this, whilst at the same time having boundaries.
You need to see the world through her eyes

Original poster

Fatlapdancer · 09/03/2015 14:21

This is the thing! She has plenty of one on one time with me and acts up even then. I addressed this a while ago when DD2 was just a baby. I was BF so I had her attached to me 24/7 for the first 10 months, I also suffered with PND which didn't help matter at all. I felt sorry for DD 1 because this screaming monster had seemingly taken over the world! Or her world at least!! I started to express and would ask my mum to take DD 2 so that I could have quality time with DD1 thinking it could help her challenging behaviour.

I put the boundaries in place and I do believe that in consistent. The problem is that DH overrides me. It's like he's trying to get them on 'his side'. He actually calls them 'team daddy' which winds me up and makes me dig my heels in even more! I've told him that if we can't control them at 5&1 how the hell are we going good to control them as teenagers!! They are going to expect everything on a plate and expect special treatment!! I don't want that! I wasn't bought up that way.

OP posts:

loveareadingthanks · 09/03/2015 14:37

Aha! So DH likes to play good cop/bad cop with your children and casts you in the role of bad cop who actually parents, while he gets to be the 'nice' one who is their mate.

This is going to be very damaging to your daughters and he is being a terrible parent. You are right, if they are like this now they are going to be nightmares when they are older. It's also exceptionally unfair on you and it's as if he is trying to be their favourite and drive a wedge between you. He shouldn't be competing with you in this way.

Your DP is the problem, not your daughter, and you can see that.

I'm not too sure what you can do if he really won't listen. Can you try to bring up the nice/nasty parent roles and why he feels he needs to compete and set you up in this way? If he really thinks tiredness is the reason, wtf is he letting them stay up late? Perhaps an earlier 7pm bedtime every single night would be a good idea? Tiredness could well be a factor - it won't be helping anyway.

Young kids like having rules and boundaries and knowing what is allowed and expected of them, and what isn't. It's quite scary for a young child to feel 'in control'. Scared children act up. She behaves in school where they have firm boundaries, and I'm sure she's very happy in school. Can you talk to him about this side of things? that she doesn't seem very happy or settled at home, and actually firmer boundaries will make her feel better.

frumpet · 09/03/2015 14:49

I think 'Team Mummy' should go for a nice weekend away and leave 'Team Daddy ' to it

mildlyacquiescent · 09/03/2015 15:19

That's quite shcoking actually, OP.

I couldn't live with thar.

Viviennemary · 09/03/2015 15:25

In the old days she would have got a spanking for that type of behaviour. And might have been less keen to repeat it. But that seems to be a no no these days.

HumphreyCobbler · 09/03/2015 15:27

Team Daddy? FFS. I would be livid.

In your situation I would try and get both of you on a parenting course, or read a book like How to Talk, and just try and get on the same page about parenting. Hopefully this would make your DH see the importance of a consistent approach between parents. And also that a regular bedtime is essential.

DisappointedOne · 09/03/2015 16:06

" I've told him that if we can't control them at 5&1 how the hell are we going good to control them as teenagers!! "

This soeaks volumes. Children aren't supposed to be controlled. You're in for a hell of a time when they're teenagers with that attitude!

finnbarrcar · 09/03/2015 16:11

Your DH sounds like an arsehole. This "Team Daddy" thing has to be nipped in the bud right now. Children thrive on boundaries and consistency, they need to know the consequences of their actions will be exactly the same, regardless of which parent is looking after them at any particular time.

You need to work as a family who support and love each other, not rivals constantly in competition and conflict. It will only get worse and worse unless this is addressed now.

I feel very sorry for your DD, she is piggy in the middle and that's an awful burden to place on her.

clam · 09/03/2015 16:20

Disappointed don't get hung up on semantics. She means control the behaviour. And she's right. Good habits need to be instilled now, or it'll all only get worse.

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 09/03/2015 16:44

DS3 used to throw his food on the floor a lot. He lacks the ability to control his frustration much of the time and has difficulties with transitions as well as lots of other situations, which require careful management. I think he has SPD but no diagnosis yet.

I almost always ask DS now what he would like before cooking-this has stopped the food throwing. I also don't get cross if he rejects food or try to cajole him into eating it, as this is counterproductive. I do offer healthy alternatives. I would never let a child go hungry. Magic 1 2 3 didn't work at all with DS, it made his behaviour worse (and yes we were consistent for weeks with it). Now I have a different perspective on things I wouldn't do it again or recommend it.

I would suggest looking at

www.livesinthebalance.org and reading The Explosive Child.

Your daughter sounds very unhappy. What you're doing now isn't working. As some pp have said, I tthinkhink you need to find out what's causing this behaviour. I would try and work with her rather than trying to punish the behaviour out of her, but I know this is not a popular view.

Lovemycatsandkids · 09/03/2015 17:21

Children most certainly should be controlled to keep them safe and to instill boundaries.

Throwing food on the floor aged 5 is shocking behaviour.

What social skills is your dh teaching his dds?

Does he think this behaviour is normal/acceptable/endearing.?

Does she do this at school? Good grief.

I can guarantee you as a parent of 4 teens and older op unless you do get the upper hand here you are going to regret it.

Your dh is being a lazy arse parent and hoping to leave all the hard work to you.

Spoilt children with a weak parent and no boundaries are invariably unhappy kids as she indeed sounds.

Please you listen to your instincts and get some family support.

Oh and time out and the naughty step are Ofsted approved( cm who had inspection yesterday) and they work.

Lovemycatsandkids · 09/03/2015 17:25

Team daddy is a dick head and selfish to boot.

DisappointedOne · 09/03/2015 17:33

Perhaps Ofsted need to research and thing (heaven forbid) before recommending such shite.

Not scientific but a nice gentle introduction to why time out sucks.

DisappointedOne · 09/03/2015 17:33

www.gentleparenting.co.uk/kc/time-out-or-time-in/

zzzzz · 09/03/2015 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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