To be sick of DHs excuses for DD's bad behaviour!

[Fatlapdancer]

We have two DD's eldest is 5 and youngest 19 months. We have quite literally had the weekend from hell with both of them winding each other up.

DD1 has been going through an awkward phase for the last 3+ years now. Nothing is ever right for her! She won't eat anything I cook for her, every meal she's had she's thrown on the floor this weekend!! I use the naughty step and take away treats butDH says I'm being too harsh. Like yesterday morning when she threw her crumpets on the floor "oh she's tired". NO SHE IS FUCKING NOT!! She's been up an hour and had 12 hours sleep 7pm-7am!! NOT.TIRED.

She has moaned, screamed and cried all weekend. We went out for dinner yesterday as a very rare treat. Sunday dinner all over the floor due to my Brazilla daughter and my sackless DH "oh she's tired". No she's turning into a complete and utter prissy princess because you have never backed me up with punishments and you have always pussy footed around your PFB!!!

(Not aimed at anyone in particular.)

Dissapointed

There are always fashions in childcare. There have been since time began.

Sensible people take what feels good for them and their family.

Children need boundaries. Children need to feel safe, they need parents who are working together and who back up each other. They need predictability and they need to know where they stand.

How you get there is a personal parenting choice just like bf/ff and Ap or putting your child in a seperate room from day 1.

All approaches are valid.

I have always found time out the best as a very busy cm and mum.

Each to own.

Op I hope you sort out your dh as he's your main problem not your dd

There are always subtle differences between parents and that's usually healthy but I think to be so very different presents obvious problems.

I Definatly think it's important to present a united front to your kids.

Depends whether you're more bothered about short term or long term effects, I suppose. In situations where crowd control is an issue the methods will be different.

You should always think about long term concequences with children as you are ultimately inflicting adults on the world.

zzzz because it's not fair for one parent to allow extremes of bad behaviour and the other to be then telling the child off.

It's confusing and unfair.

Children need to know where they stand. That's why all nurseries, schools settings have rules that everyone has to adhere to.

"Time out sucks" such a well reasoned argument there.

I don't use time out, BTW, so not defensiveness. But really criticism/discussion of parenting styles is not really the pressing issue here, at all.

It took DC1 years to get over the horror of DC2 arriving - so I wouldn't assume that your DD's behaviour doesn't have origins in her sisters arrival and your PND - if only because you all got into habits of reacting to each other which have become set in stone over the years.

The best advice I was given was that you can't change DCs behaviour, all you can do is change how you react to their behaviour and hope that the ripples spread. If you keep doing the same thing and reacting in the same way, then you are going to keep getting the same results.

You and your DH need to decide how you both want to parent and set boundaries for your children. I would very strongly suggest you find a local parenting class and both attend. There are lots of parenting classes out there, not aimed at "fixing bad parents" but aimed at bringing parents who are trying their best into a calm place where they can share ideas and techniques with other parents and have the time and space to think about how they want to parent. Try googling Positive Parenting courses in your area.

we took the heat out of the mealtime tantrums by giving dd her meals at a little table in another room for about a week. Not as a punishment more like a kind of reminder that she had the choice to eat the food and we weren't going to make her do it. We made a sort of game out of it - special time. Low table. No witnesses to the throwing so made that likely.

Dd was finding mealtimes unbearably overwhelming - it seemed to bring out a sort of reaction - anxiety fussiness whatever - she would never eat anything but was obviously hungry. Cortisol suppresses hunger. Low blood sugar makes children more angry. Vicious circle in both cases.

It worked. She is still quite fussy about food but much calmer at mealtimes. She is certainly not malnourished (size 12, tall and 13 years old now )

I think you need to find a very simple meal that you know dd likes to start out with. Then once she feels less stressed by mealtimes she might start eating anything you cook. Or not - but why go through all this just for the sake of a principle? It is hell when food is rejected but simple food can be just as nutritious (and yes I know a crumpet is simple food but perhaps just she didn't fancy it at that moment)

Tbh I think no-one wants their husband shouting at the children. You may have the better deal to have a father that doesn't get angry with his kids for misbehaving. Tolerance is underestimated quality in fathers.

If you go on the food threads you might find a lot of fussy eaters there.

No I don't agree with backing up the other parent regardless that could be dangerous in some situations.

However generally parents should agree on the fundamentals of their parenting or they end up posting here like the op.

Of course children find subtle differences between parents and that's great and normal but such huge differences in approach isn't beneficial to either the dd here or the op.

Or do you think the dh is right?

How the hell is a 4 year old expected to process totally different mixed messages from each parent and why should they have to bother

Sounds really stressful to me. Kids arnt experiments. They deserve better than that.

Of course school rules arnt adhered to rigidly at home etc but surely essentials of boundaries and behaviours are universal?

So biting, hitting spitting, running in the road etc. all universal no nos.

I fucking hate this site sometimes.

'You don't seem to like her'

'Are you the FT parent?'

'Do you spend time with her one on one.'

Fuck off. The kids being hard fucking work. And it just so happens that the parents are taking a different approach and I amount of discussion or planning can prepare for that because you both dont know how you will truly parent and react to certain situations until it arises.

Seriously, theres a right bunch of judgemental cunts baying for blood on is site now, I fucki hate it (I realise Im repeating myself).

OP my DC1 was identical at the same age, and me and his father were at loggerheads for the same reason. Its hard.

It passes, but its hard! I feel for you, I didnt forsee it coming, and for sure you two didnt either. But it IS a phase and I only wish I could give you more constructive advise.

Tbh allowing extremes of bad behaviour is not really the issue here. It is that the child is behaving badly in the first place - and that might be for all sorts of reasons and not just due to inconsistent parenting. Certainly your anger at your dh may be making a tension all of its own which your dd is picking up on and getting even more confused and explosive.

Team Daddy is damaging your daughter as it's putting her in the role of mummy - she's making decisions like an adult with daddy.

Except she's 5, and her brain can't handle that responsibility. She doesn't know what happens if she throws her food on the floor, and that's worrying and stressful for a child. She can't make the right choices because she's not being guided towards what those are - at school it's all laid out and easy but at home it depends who's looking at her.

I completely agree that you should both aim to convey to your dd that throwing food on the floor is an undesirable and unproductive activity.

That goes without saying.

But surely just taking away the need to throw it on the floor might be the first step? She wants attention at mealtimes - so take the heat out of the situation not inflame it.
She wants different food. Sit down with her and say you going to make a meal together of bread and butter chopped apple and a piece of cheese. She will help you make it and that is her dinner. (or whatever simple thing you know she likes eating and doesn't require prep)

There are loads of books on toddlers who behave badly when eating - try and see if any of the techniques might still work.

It is a phase It is a phase. But it shouldn't drive you and dh apart.

Well it's not working here or the op wouldn't have posted would she.

Agree with Brian

Resting think you are right but they are the minority.

Clearly people post here because they do care about their kids.

Most posters however much they disagree are trying to help.

Not sure about essentials being different though zzzz not for 4 year olds. Life should be nice and simple to a 4 year old not about fitting behaviour to suit each parent. That's sad. And especially if the op is made to he the tough parent. Very unfair.

To a child saying nothing is encouraging or worse ignoring.

To he honest maybe she's trying to get some attention from passive dad.

No one knows the cause of the behaviour, we only know what's posted but I think general parenting norms and all the general advice is that kids need consistent boundaries.

I am curious that you seem so against this.

I think it is fine for parents to have different parenting styles and approaches. But both parents need to treat the choices if the other parent respectfully and come up with a way of not undermining one another. Talk through your differences over a glass of wine at the end of the day, when you can take your time and hammer out solutions. Don't argue with each other about who is correct in front of your child while trying to deal with challenging behaviour.

Of course it's our opinion! You have yours and I mine as do all posters.

I am pointing out that the majority of child care experts, and I hate that word, agree that consistent boundaries are beneficial for children. I agree with that. You don't. The op doesn't as the alternative isn't working for her family. I can see where it would be beneficial to be honest but that's my opinion.

You are perfectly entitled to yours.

Sorry can't see. And the op does!

Sorry long day.

If she's good at school, maybe this is attention seeking.

Is she jealous of her sister, do you think?

Try ignoring her, putting her in her room with everything removed.

Threaten a very early bedtime every time she misbehaves and follow through, DH should agree if he belives this is due to 'tiredness'.