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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Apparently I'm unreasonable to cancel Mothers Day

86 replies

Harrietsferrets · 07/03/2015 21:30

But only in this house. MIL will still get her stuff and DM will still get stuff from me. I just felt that the lack of anything approaching help or even doing anything asked would not be cancelled out on one day by a bunch of wilting daffs or something from the school sale that I paid for.

Kids are 12, 9 and 8. Husband won't remember unless I tell him.

OP posts:

clam · 08/03/2015 09:10

This argument (about a man not needing to honour Mother's Day for his wife/partner because she's not his mother) is trotted out every year. Whilst technically true, I think it is nonetheless his job to ensure that the children, in an age-appropriate way, have got it covered.

Anything else is just mean and disrespectful. So no, OP, YANBU.

tywinlannister · 08/03/2015 09:18

I think YABU. My mum used to 'cancel' things like her birthday or christmas in order to make us remember them or guilt us in to buying something/sucking up to her all day. Its not really an effective way of communicating your unhappiness.

throckenholt · 08/03/2015 09:19

My DH always remembers to get something for his mum, but it never occurs to him to arrange something for me, or remind the kids either.

To be honest though, I really don't care. I tend to see it as another marketing event, designed to get people to spend more money on stuff they don't need, and might well not do them any good either.

AGirlCalledBoB · 08/03/2015 09:19

My oh did not remember to pick me up a card last year, it was my first one and nothing to show for it. I was really upset, on that one. He also never buys me birthday or Christmas card/presents. Bastard

Anyway so I refuse to get upset about it this year so I have arranged a meal for my mum. Her birthday is the 16th. Sister and brother are coming down. Will get to catch up with them and they will see their nephew. Lovely.

Oh is not invited
May also buy myself that rather lovely bracelet I spotted last week from my son

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 08/03/2015 09:21

BrummieGirl I'm so sorry. Mother's day puts such as unbearable amount of pressure on anyone who does not fit that perfect/FB gushing picture. Hoping for a happy outcome for you in the future.

PeaStalks · 08/03/2015 09:23

Saw this thread and had to google when is Mothers Day.
So it's actually next week.

DH would never know, how would he? It's not as though it's even the same date every year. They don't do stuff at school past primary age so once DC reached secondary school I would have to have told them myself, all a bit pointless really.
I will give my mother a card and a bunch of flowers though.

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 08/03/2015 09:30

As for me, mother's day has always been about a huge torrent of guilt as I felt under pressure to be the good daughter and send something for my narcissistic mum, a cycle I've been trapped in since childhood because of the guilt and pressure she would pile on. When I saw mother's day adverts etc. I never thought of myself as the mum in question - even though I am a mum. Just of how I had to sort something out for her, even though I didn't want to. When I did, she would be all gushing and OTT about how wonderful I was. But I knew if I didn't, there would be hell to pay.

I've finally gone N/C and this is my first mother's day since then. I was in town recently and I saw all the ads and signs, and they just didn't hurt any more.

I don't expect anything for myself. I get a lie in every weekend, as does DP, and cups of coffee made for me all the time, and a DP who does half the housework. That's worth more than one day of special treatment. I get cards the DC have made at school and nursery etc. and sometimes we have lunch out. That suits me fine and I never want to be that person who piles on the pressure.

But this year I went and bought myself a bag as a secret MD present to myself. No one else knows that's the reason I bought it.

Ragwort · 08/03/2015 09:39

There is absolutely no need to buy (pun intended) into the great big commercial aspect of 'Mother's Day'. Actually to be pedantic the correct term in this country is 'Mothering Sunday'. .

Do whatever you want to do but huffing and puffing about 'cancelling it' (and how can you 'cancel' a day anyway ?) is making more of a drama about it. And yet another good reason to not have a facebook account.

I am planning to invite my parents for a meal next Sunday, have bought my mum a card and some plants that I know she wanted - (no MIL) whether or not my DH and DS give me a card or present doesn't bother me - I am having the day I want.

If you don't want to 'celebrate' - then don't.

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 08/03/2015 09:41

So OP, I agree with a PP that if you are cancelling it in a big attention-seeking huff, it's just pressure on everyone.

If you really don't require anything/don't like it and don't want the fuss, that's different.

But I think there is something topsy turvy about being upset if you don't get a fuss made of you on one special day, if your OH (and maybe kids too) treat you like a skivvy the rest of the time anyway. Demand a fair deal every day.

missusdaly · 08/03/2015 09:46

Well my BH has just (yesterday) called me a shit mother so he better not suggest making anything of Mothers Day.

Our DD is 2.

I'd like to take DD with me and take DM and my sister out to dinner next Sunday.

popalot · 08/03/2015 09:50

I know what you mean, this mothers day malarky is a bit over the top. I see it as a day to spend with family really. I don't want a card or anything as it's just another thing to recycle. I keep the handmade ones because they're cute. I want my dd to thank me anytime when I make her a nice tea or help her to a big tidy up in her room. I don't expect anyone to do all the chores 'for me' on the day. dp and dd are both making more effort to help around the house generally anyway. We all go out somewhere I like instead - because that's what I like.

maddening · 08/03/2015 09:51

Why would you cancel a day between your dc and you due to you Dh being a lazy twat? The dc not doing stuff in the house is down to both you and your Dh - an 8 year old doesn't generally magically start doing housework that is up to the parents to teach them.

It's all a bit dramatic and attention seeking imo. The fact that the oldest eye rolls is either due to your Dh being a bad role model or you have form for this kind of thing.

As for the Dh - if he does not lift a finger in the house that is between you and him nothing to do with the dc.

TheSolitaryWanderer · 08/03/2015 09:52

Mother's day, a day for you.
Go out and enjoy yourself somewhere and leave them to their own devices.

PostOfTheDay · 08/03/2015 09:55

I don't do Mother's Day either. My Mum doesn't like it much and I don't either so I don't encourage my DC to anything either.

If your family enjoys it then that's great - it doesn't do anyone any harm but it's not for me.

I'm lovely to my mum year round and do nice things for her regardless of the day. My DC are the same to me. I don't feel I need or want a special day.

WyrdByrd · 08/03/2015 10:04

I won't be cancelling Mother's Day (I think that's a bit unfair on your younger DC's tbh), but I do have some sympathy with you OP.

MD is a bit of a non-event in our house - my first one I was battling with severe PND, the second one I did get a bit spoilt, the eight that have happened since have largely revolved around my own mum (mostly) and MIL.

My mum is elderly and we have a standing arrangement that I visit every Sunday - so that's that really. I'm not sure DD or DH have realised that it's MD next weekend although I did tell DD what I'd like if DH should ask - but I very much doubt it'll happen.

They are off to computer club and football next Saturday and I have a long weekend off work which I'm planning to spend decluttering/spring cleaning.

Bit disappointing really but I know I'm lucky to have DD and DMum still so I just get on with it and hope that one day it'll be my turn!

tywinlannister · 08/03/2015 10:11

That's exactly it zoomzoom. If you really don't want to do anything, rather than making a huge "I am CANCELLING mothers day!" announcement, there's the option of either not mentioning it at all, just going out for the day alone or maybe actually having a conversation about how you feel devalued for the rest of the year.

Ledkr · 08/03/2015 10:26

I don't think some people understand how horrible it is to have dc who don't help.
I have 3 older ds who were always a great help and pulled their weight but I now have a dd who simply doesn't. I've tried everything from sanctions to begging but the truth is she is a lazy entitled girl at the moment and a Mother's Day gift would for me be an insult.
Dh is working as usual so it's a normal day for me.

adventuretime11 · 08/03/2015 10:28

Tbh it is my childrens effort which get me through Mothers Day. The 3rd anniversary of my mums death is this week. Last Mothers Day was spent in a caravan with Mil who I later discovered had called me a waste of space in front of my dc. Thie year I will be spending the morning at the cemetery and the afternoon with mil. Dh has a medical procedure the day before and has said he will stay home if unwell and get me to take kids. Lovely. Especially since I was running around after dc within a hour of me having a similar procedure.

adventuretime11 · 08/03/2015 10:30

Agree my older dc could do more but they watch their dad leaving things lying around and say well dad does it. It drives me crazy.

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/03/2015 10:32

Dd is 13 and never marks occasions for me, I buy my own gifts and do my own organising now.
I am having afternoon tea with dd and a friend that I have booked

Ragwort · 08/03/2015 10:32

I sympathise Ledkr - my teenage DS is also lazy and I agree with that word 'entitled'. Although he is absolutely charming to anyone and everyone he meets outside the home. .

I have also used sanctions/threats (always carried out), begging/ crying with frustration - me not him .

My Mothering Sunday is going to be about me celebrating my mother - not about my own role as a mother and I am a happy with my decision.

Ledkr · 08/03/2015 10:44

Thanks rag I'm feeling it particularly today
She no trouble at all, good at school accepts boundaries etc. she just cannot bring herself to do anything without a huge fuss so my choice is to have a miserable time doing everything or a miserable time rowing with her and getting upset.
I leave her room now and just try to get her to clear up after herself whilst ignoring the whining and comments.
It's very hard to deal with particularly as I've had two surgeries recently, even that didn't make her pull her finger out.
My 4 yr old can't do enough, she peels potatoes, sweeps the floor and can tidy a room to the same standard as I would. It's weird.

Ledkr · 08/03/2015 10:45

Haha. Now I sound like I'm running a child slave

RufusTheReindeer · 08/03/2015 10:47

Don't care about presents (nice to have and I wouldn't say no but I don't care)

But if I don't get my Mother's Day cards all hell will break out

All the children are told this and DH...their lives will not be worth living!!

But presents and breakfast in bed...meh!

Mil will get a card, DH will probably not be arsed to get her flowers but I think she's another one who isn't fussed

Dd has already made my card, apparently it's awesome...

whatwhatinthewhatnow · 08/03/2015 10:50

I am wondering what OP expected other than an eye roll and shrugs when she said she was cancelling. Apologies? Lots of questioning as to why? Requests not to cancel because they had already planned XYZ?

Surely you can see that's attention seeking.

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