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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Apparently I'm unreasonable to cancel Mothers Day

86 replies

Harrietsferrets · 07/03/2015 21:30

But only in this house. MIL will still get her stuff and DM will still get stuff from me. I just felt that the lack of anything approaching help or even doing anything asked would not be cancelled out on one day by a bunch of wilting daffs or something from the school sale that I paid for.

Kids are 12, 9 and 8. Husband won't remember unless I tell him.

OP posts:

Brummiegirl15 · 07/03/2015 23:40

I'm dreading Mothers Day this year.

It should've been my first but I've had 3 miscarriages in the last 12 months. I should be having my first Mother's Day card and I'm heartbroken

My own Mum will be in Barbados with my Dad and I've already given her flowers and card.

I will be hiding away next Sunday and ignoring Facebook with all the gushing statuses.

I expect I'm being hypocritical because if I hadn't had 3 mc's I'm sure I'd be just as bad.

So no, in my mind you are absolutely not being unreasonable. It ain't happening in this house I can assure you

MerryInthechelseahotel · 07/03/2015 23:49

So sorry Bgirl

flora717 · 07/03/2015 23:50

Hey Brummie. Hand holding. I am planning on keeping a low a profile as possible. Again because of m/c/dates etc. I do have DC. They are at their Dad's until the evening. DH is away at work. I just hope noone notices and tries to entertain me.
So no, i don't think it's that hypocritical. Mother's Day is a sharp and needling day after m/c.

marshmallowpies · 08/03/2015 07:50

My MC started on Mothers Day last year so it will always be bittersweet for me (though in my case already had a DD). It does mean I think far more about the people who ought to be mums and dads, who desperately want to be, but aren't. I want to hug them all & wish I could make it ok for them! for you Brummiegirl.

My DM's birthday is in March so I never had to do Mothers Day cards or presents, she said not to bother as she would have had cards and presents from us already (& sometimes her birthday would actually be on Mother's Day itself or very near it). So Mother's Day was far more about doing chores and useful stuff around the house - or more usually being sent into the garden to do some mundane task out there.

Ledkr · 08/03/2015 08:04

I'm cancelling it too.
Ivd asked DH (who is very good at gifts) to donate to comic relief instead.
Dd13 is also completely unhelpful and reluctant to even pick up Her own crap, sges currently rather rude and selfish too so her wilting daffs can bugger off.
Dd2 is 4 so will prob do tea in bed with dh and cards from nursery which is lovely.

lem73 · 08/03/2015 08:06

In January my 12 year old announced that mother's day was a load of rubbish. Why should we get presents when we can go and buy something any time. When I told dh he was furious and made ds apologise. I know it's all commercialized but the remark did hurt so I feel just the same as you Op. Tbh a cup of tea in bed is all I need but I've yet to have that happen.

Ledkr · 08/03/2015 08:10

lem Id have told my 12 yr old that I feel the sane about birthdays and and see his reaction.

FlabbyMummy · 08/03/2015 08:14

Op you sound like a petulant child. You are angry with your DH and the only people who will get hurt are your DC.

Tell your DH that its Mother's Day and ask him to take your DC shopping

crazylady12 · 08/03/2015 08:26

My dd is only 5 so really excited about making me a card and going shopping with Nanny for a present, Am lucky I have my mum to do things like that I know how you feel about feeling unappreciated maybe just go out for the day on your own or with a female family member just relax got abit.

sandgrown · 08/03/2015 08:27

The whole point of Mothering Sunday is to make us think about the role of mothers so it will be a celebration for some but inevitably there will be sad memories for others. For me the cheap little gifts the children have made or chosen are the best .

Rebecca2014 · 08/03/2015 08:31

Single mum here with a 3 year old so very unlikely I will get anything for mothers day.

I would like to get a card one day though, to show she appreciates everything I have done for her...

ThisFenceIsComfy · 08/03/2015 08:36

Just go out for the day on your own somewhere.

MagicMojito · 08/03/2015 08:41

BrummieGirl
mc are awful, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I do think I'm one of the few people around here that actually likes mothers day (the spirit of it anyway). Being pregnant was a massive pita, giving birth was the single scariest and most painful event ever and parenting is generally quite fucking hardwork, so I do like that there is one day a year to give you a pat on the back because it can be a pretty thankless job otherwise.

lem73 · 08/03/2015 08:43

Ledkr trust me I did!

Dawndonnaagain · 08/03/2015 08:43

Please don't cancel it. I know it's difficult when they don't help or it's reluctant help, but that sort of emotional blackmail stays with them. My mother would do this sort of thing on a fairly regular basis and then claim nobody cared about her. I'm 56 now and haven't forgotten.
Just say, Thank you for the flowers/present/card, it's nice, but perhaps we could organise a bit more help for mum too. It'll only last three weeks (until they're older) but hey, it's three weeks with a bit of help!

FenellaFellorick · 08/03/2015 08:45

Who told you you were unreasonable to cancel it?

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Or take yourself off somewhere for the day and enjoy yourself.

Were you hoping that you would say you are going to cancel it and this would get your husband and children to see that you are unhappy about being the family dogsbody?

OddBodkins · 08/03/2015 08:46

It sounds a bit unhappy for you at the moment op. Would it work if you actually say them down and had a calm, serious talk with them about their lack of support? We are gay mums and we both do things for our mums on Mother's Day so it is a full on mumfest here but I don't really expect a great deal from dd as she's busy spoiling her grandmas with us.

Ginormarse · 08/03/2015 08:53

I will be happy with a card and a cup of tea in bed.
I understand that mothers day is difficult for lots of people, those that have had mc or who's mothers have died. My SIL (my brothers wife) has twin baby girls born premature who are in the neonatal unit and one of them is critically ill. I will count my blessings and pray that my baby niece recovers and has cuddles from her mummy on mothers day

Redhead11 · 08/03/2015 08:56

I don't expect anything other than a card for Mother's Day. I have had some beautiful gifts over the years from DD2 and know i am getting something from her again this year, even though I have told her a card is more than enough. It does hurt, though, to be ignored by your DC. DD1 left home 7 years ago and last year sent me a text, which was an improvement over the silence of the previous years. I did have a very lame story one year about her sending me a couple of Mother's Day cards that both got lost in the post (including the one she sent to be signed for - cos i believe the Royal Mail didn't go looking for that one...)

I don't blame you for wanting to cancel Mother's Day, but i suspect you really need to sit down and have a word with your DC. Letting them get away with not helping around the house is not going to do them any favours in later life. You need to get your DH on side here, too. Why not go and do something by yourself and let them get on with it without you?

SomewhereIBelong · 08/03/2015 08:56

Your kids are 12,9 and 8 - if you both as parents haven't taught them to be considerate who will...

You DH should be remembering his mother's mother's day - not your kids mother's day....

GoldenBeagle · 08/03/2015 08:57

OP, I agree, Mother's Day will feel very hollow if you are generally being taken for granted and treated with a lack of respect.
Talk to your DH calmly and assertively and tell him (before the day) that you are feeling like this and want a family re-calibration . That you would like everyone to work more as a team , with you and he at the Head, setting an example . Include all children in some chores / taking responsibility. And be explicit : ask him to mark the new phase by organising to take you out for a lovely family lunch at which he makes it clear to the kids just how valued you are , and how as a family you will all value each other by helping out and thanking each other .

ragged · 08/03/2015 09:01

The whole thing annoys me, too, OP. Whadda load of sentimental tripe. YADNBU!

KatieScarlettreregged · 08/03/2015 09:02

I've told both DC that a kiss will suffice. They are skint (students) and the thought of them going without to buy me something I don't need is not what I want. I know they love me, they don't need to prove it.
(I'm taking my own mum out for tea and gift shopping as she likes MD and I like to make her happy)

HSMMaCM · 08/03/2015 09:04

The only person you have to worry about on mothers day is your own mother. It's not grandparents day. If your DH ignores his mother or your dc ignore their mother, then that's them showing a lack of respect. No effort required on your part there.

HSMMaCM · 08/03/2015 09:05

And i don't need a gift to feel appreciated. Just a morning cuppa and a bit of effort is fine for me.

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