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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off about this?

66 replies

firsttimemum0000 · 07/03/2015 11:58

So this morning dp decided to wash his car. He spent a good hour on it. Thing is there are a number of things in the house that he should have been doing, things he has been promising he'd do for ages, things that are, imho, more important as they benefit us all not just him. To be fair I think that washing cars is always a waste of time but my issue is that he chose to do that over the various chores he knows he should be doing instead but doesn't want to.

OP posts:

fairylightsbackintheloft · 07/03/2015 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AskBasil · 07/03/2015 12:13

He's doing the job that's visbly his that he'll get recognition for.

Rather than the invisible one.

YANBU

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2015 12:15

OMG a whole hour choosing to do something he wanted to?!

ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 12:15

Have you actually pointed out the jobs and explained why you think they have greater priority?

PtolemysNeedle · 07/03/2015 12:17

YABU. You aren't his boss.

UncommonSense · 07/03/2015 12:20

Terrible.

I can't possibly understand why he has chosen to do something that he wants to do for a whole hour instead of working through a list of jobs / chores determined by his nagging wife that whines about him on the internet.

Have you considered getting a grip? Or getting off the internet and doing some yourself if they're that important?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 07/03/2015 12:20

Oh God DH does this daily. Hourly. He is never, ever lazy but cannot prioritise jobs at all.

Five minutes before a houseful of guests due, I found him quietly buffing up some silver picture frames whilst his 'actually needs bloody doing' list remained untouched by human hands.

Original poster

firsttimemum0000 · 07/03/2015 12:24

I shouldn't have to point out what needs doing. But that's the dynamic we've got into. He never does the stuff he's meant to, like fixing a door he broke a month ago, so I have to constantly remind him, then I'm a nag. He's not here much for reasons which aren't his fault so I think what little time he is here would be better spent doing stuff in the house that really are more important.

OP posts:

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 07/03/2015 12:29

To be honest Firsttime if he's not around much and he only has a little time at home, then unless the roof is dropping off, maybe ditch the job list and let him just enjoy some family time?

Fairenuff · 07/03/2015 12:30

You need to talk to him OP. Don't keep reminding him about jobs. He will just ignore it because he knows that, inevitably, you will ask again.

Instead, sit down with him and ask him why he ignores you. Not, why doesn't he do the jobs but why does he say he will and then not do them. Ask him how he would feel if you did the same to him.

If you don't discuss it and come to some sort of conclusion this will just keep happening.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2015 12:31

It's only an hour washing his car though.

If he's not otherwise pulling his weight around the house, that's a separate issue that you need to sit down and discuss instead of focusing on the car thing.

Do you both work equal hours?

ifdaryldiesweriot · 07/03/2015 12:33

To be honest Firsttime if he's not around much and he only has a little time at home, then unless the roof is dropping off, maybe ditch the job list and let him just enjoy some family time?

I agree. If my partner was rarely home I wouldn't want to spend the time we have together nagging him.

littlemslazybones · 07/03/2015 12:36

Do you have a young baby to care for firsttime?

Pasithea · 07/03/2015 12:41

It's what men do. All off them. Just accept it. Stop nagging and be happy he isn't either still in bed or watching sky sports.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2015 12:43

Don't be ridiculous Pasithea

Original poster

firsttimemum0000 · 07/03/2015 12:44

Well yes we were supposed to be taking dd to the park when he decided to wash the car. I ended up taking her on my own cos he took so long. I've been wanting to talk to him for a while cos he doesn't pull his weight but we rarely get a chance and when I try he always says later. Dd is staying out tonight, a very rare event, and I had planned to have a chat then before we went out but we had a "full and frank exchange of views" instead this morning when he had a go at me for something pretty minor that I'd forgotten to do.

See that's the thing, I do pretty much all the housework and most of the childcare which not only doesn't get recognised or appreciated or even noticed, he has a go every time I forget something but is apparently oblivious to all the things he forgets or just cba with. Clearly this is about more than the car, but it is symbolic.

We do work equal hours but he currently has other family commitments so I don't mind doing the majority of stuff while that's the case. But I would like him to use what little time he does have at home to do something more productive than washing his stupid bloody car.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 07/03/2015 12:46

Are you joking Pasithea?

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2015 12:48

I don't understand?

How could he go to the park and do the things on your list at the same time?

I'm guessing he just didn't fancy the park, so washed his car instead.

Perhaps you should work out an agreed list and time frame if you can?

UncommonSense · 07/03/2015 12:51

So basically, you acknowledge that when he isn't working or doing his other unavoidable family commitments (which is rare) you expect him to be doing chores?

You are being selfish, thoughtless and extremely unreasonable. Rather than continually nagging him you need to back off and allow him to have some down time.

if you continue the way you are going the relationship is seriously doomed. take a good look at yourself before it is too late. You do not own him or his time.

StarOnTheTree · 07/03/2015 12:52

I'm guessing he just didn't fancy the park, so washed his car instead.

Does anyone ever really fancy going to the park?

ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 12:52

I hope Pasithea is joking.

FunkyPeacock · 07/03/2015 12:57

I wouldn't appreciate being dictated to at home as to which jobs need doing in what order

If he is generally lazy and doesn't pull his weight then YANBU to be pissed off but I think expecting your husband/wife to complete household jobs in a time/order that purely suits you is a bit controlling

If these jobs are so urgent then how about doing them yourself?

TheoriginalLEM · 07/03/2015 13:01

i would pull my pubic hair out one by one to avoid the park.

it doesn't sound like you have a great relationship just now. you nag him about stuff he has a go at you about stuff. i suspect the stuff is pretty trivial. i suggest you spend that rare child free time reconnecting as a couple rather than having a discussion about shit that really doesn't matter! !

obeliaboo · 07/03/2015 13:17

Wow, a lot of these responses are incredibly rude and unncessary!

There needs to be an equal dynamic within any household, young children or not, and clearly the OP is frustrated and venting.
Personally, i ask him, regardless of any family situation/work situation, to remember that there are two of you and that one shouldn't have to do more than the other unless absolutely necessary. Not only that, but that its too easy for people to throw in the word 'nag' and be made to feel as though they're a nag, when it simply boils down to frustration and a lack of appreciation for what you already do.
Unless he can talk with you, and i stress talk, not sniping, bitching and either of you making demands, then i honestly can't suggest how to get your point through to him and visa versa.

IMHO, it does sound like jealousy on your part OP, but he also sounds like he's playing the prick card - you're both being as bad as one another and need to tackle that before giving him a list of things he 'said he'd do', when you already seem to know that reminding him of what he said he'd do, wont work.

Original poster

firsttimemum0000 · 07/03/2015 13:18

That's not what I'm saying at all. I just don't think it's unreasonable for him to help out round the house when he can instead of doing stuff that suits him. It's not like I'm busting his balls to be doing chores every spare minute but just the odd thing, or even just cleaning up after himself would be nice. I do everything and get zero leisure time. And to add insult to injury that goes completely unnoticed. He is lazy and doesn't pull his weight, I suppose that's my point. It's not about doing it at a time to suit me, it's about doing it at all. When I don't nag him, he still doesn't do anything. when I do he doesn't either so basically either I do everything and end up getting pissed off or nothing gets done and we live in a dirty house, the cupboards stay bare and our Dd doesn't have clean clothes. I know this all sounds petty but feeling like an unpaid servant who does everything with zero thanks does matter to me.

OP posts:

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