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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about this?

66 replies

firsttimemum0000 · 07/03/2015 11:58

So this morning dp decided to wash his car. He spent a good hour on it. Thing is there are a number of things in the house that he should have been doing, things he has been promising he'd do for ages, things that are, imho, more important as they benefit us all not just him. To be fair I think that washing cars is always a waste of time but my issue is that he chose to do that over the various chores he knows he should be doing instead but doesn't want to.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 13:20

Talk about it clearly rather than nagging or doing it yourself then.

DoJo · 07/03/2015 13:23

I am another one surprised that you are getting a hard time - ignoring jobs which would benefit the whole family in order to do an unnecessary one which will barely benefit anyone seems churlish, especially if he is fully aware that there are jobs which need to take precedence.
Ignoring your daughter's laundry in favour of buffing your car, making arrangements to spend time as a family then reneging on them to wash the car and refusing to lift a finger to help keep his own home running smoothly isn't something that you should have to put up with, and I am astonished that some posters' suggestions seem to be for you to continue to do everything yourself and let him continue to get away without doing anything he doesn't want to.

It's a YANBU from me, but I think you need to work out how you can approach it without it ending up in another row. Do you think a calm discussion once you've had a chance to get your thoughts together would achieve anything?

Jackieharris · 07/03/2015 13:27

This isn't about his car.

This is about wifework (great book btw for anyone who hasn't already read it).

If he's not clearing up after himself then he is being 100% unreasonable. He's a grown adult. He needs to take some responsibility for his own self care.

Stop doing the chores which only benefit him eg washing/ironing his clothes.

ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 13:30

If your daughter isn't with you tonight perhaps you could talk this through properly.

ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 13:32

Stop doing the chores which only benefit him eg washing/ironing his clothes

Doing that without talking about the situation is just game playing.

DoJo · 07/03/2015 13:43

Doing that without talking about the situation is just game playing.

The OP has made it quite clear that she has tried to talk to him about it and reminded him of the outstanding jobs, hence the accusations by some posters (including yourself) that she is 'nagging'. He knows he broke a door, so why is the OP's job to keep pointing out that it needs fixing?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/03/2015 13:43

Yabu to expect him to pull his weight at all. Of course you're not.

You do need to sit down together and agree how things will work for both of you. Having to tell a grown adult to do stuff that needs to be done regularly or that visibly needs doing is frustrating at best and disrespectful at worst.

There are various ways of dividing up the household chores and that would include things like washing the car (if he uses the car for work it's important that it's presentable. If it's just for school runs/supermarket shopping/driving to the station not so much) and also childcare. How bigger or one-off jobs are dealt with needs managing too. There also needs to be agreement between the two of you about what is an important job and what is not and when those less important jobs will be done.

Can you outsource some of the domestic stuff? Cleaning, shirt service, online shopping for example? I know not everyone can afford those things but some can.

Once you both have agreement then a routine for the jobs helps. Not necessarily something as formal as a rota but maybe Monday is bin night, Sunday afternoon change beds, Saturday night is date night (eurgh, I hate this phrase and have never done going out for date night myself but we do try to spend Saturday night together), Saturday mornings one takes dd out while one parent has a whizz round doing jobs.

But you do need to tell him and soon or you will build up anger and frustration.

Original poster
firsttimemum0000 · 07/03/2015 13:44

Thanks, I really needed to hear something supportive. There isn't really anything I can stop doing that would only affect him or that he would give a shit about. If I didn't change the sheets for a month, or 6 even, or never cleaned the bathroom I doubt he'd notice. We're a non ironing household and he does his own laundry, apparently I can't do his right. And that's the thing with lazy men isn't it? If you did stop doing stuff to try make them see how much you actually do it's you and your child that loses out. He has no idea how much I do, how much heart and soul I put into everything to try make things nice for our dd. All he ever sees is the stuff I don't do, the one time I forget to put a nappy bag in the bin or whatever. I had planned to talk to him calmly today after we drop her off but when he had a go at me this morning for really fuck all, all the pent up resentment about all the above came out and now we're not speaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
firsttimemum0000 · 07/03/2015 13:50

That's exactly it, it's disrespectful. He broke the door a month ago. As an experiment and also cos I wanted some peace, I haven't mentioned it once. So he hasn't done it. Why didn't he do that today instead of cleaning his car? I shouldn't need to tell him which of those things is more important.

The anger and frustration have already built to critical mass as you can probably tell!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 13:53

I simply thought that if the OP tries to talk later when their daughter isn't there he wouldn't be able to say "later".

I don't see the point of not mentioning the door and just getting more and more resentful about it.

Original poster
firsttimemum0000 · 07/03/2015 13:58

That was my plan, to talk tonight. Hopefully that can still happen.

The point of not mentioning the door was to see if he'd do it without being asked, to give him a chance to do something off his own bat... If I had mentioned it I'm sure the result would have been the same.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/03/2015 14:00

Obviously meant yanbu. Stupid autocorrect!

Talk to him. Not in a "you've not done this stuff and it makes me feel angry/frustrated/disrespected way" but in a "we need to find a solution to getting the house stuff done. What do you think we should do?". Make it clear that it's his problem but without blame, even though he is totally to blame for not stepping up as an adult.

Your objective is making things better, otherwise you have two choices.

  1. Put up with the current situation
  2. Leave

Neither seems very sensible as a first option.

Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing?

DoJo · 07/03/2015 14:01

I don't see the point of not mentioning the door and just getting more and more resentful about it.

Because it demonstrates that when the OP doesn't 'nag', things don't get done by the other adult in the house who should be contributing to its running. He broke it himself, so it's not like he can claim that he didn't know it needed doing and I don't think anyone would really think that washing a car is more of a priority than fixing a door that everyone in the house presumably needs to use.

Dismissing her previous attempts to talk to him as 'nagging' while suggesting that she just needs to talk to him seems to suggest that it is somehow her fault that he hasn't done the jobs which he is responsible for because she just hasn't found the right way to remind him to pull his weight.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/03/2015 14:05

But it's that priorities thing. One person's very important thing is not another's.

If the door being broken doesn't affect the dh he may genuinely not have thought about it if he isn't at home much. Whereas it might be a total pain for op who is at home all day.

What is not helpful is hoping someone will notice. Everyone has to take responsibility for themselves and in op's case that means speaking up.

WasabiPeace · 07/03/2015 14:06

How did he break the door, out of interest?

ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 14:07

No I think they could both be doing more. He should know what needs doing - yes he broke the door - but she needs to communicate openly too. Hopefully tonight's talk will help.

AskBasil · 07/03/2015 14:09

LOL and when she speaks up, she's a nag

Women can't win when they live with lazy men who freeload off their free labour

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/03/2015 14:15

There's a difference between speaking up and nagging. Passive aggressive acts like hoping someone will notice just doesn't help. Nor does behaving like an entitled prick by doing nothing around the house help.

Both adults have to take responsibility for their relationship and home, there is likely to be an element of compromise and ultimately if they cannot communicate or live together without being disrespectful/feeling disrespected then it's a dysfunctional relationship.

ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 14:17

I agree, MovingOn

DoJo · 07/03/2015 14:24

There's a difference between speaking up and nagging. Passive aggressive acts like hoping someone will notice just doesn't help.

I'm not sure what that is though. The OP says that he keeps promising to do these jobs, so he clearly knows they need doing, he is just choosing not to do them. I don't think there is anything that suggests the OP is being passive aggressive, just fed up of asking him to do things and not getting anywhere.

Original poster
firsttimemum0000 · 07/03/2015 14:37

That's exactly it Dojo, often his excuse for not doing stuff is that I haven't asked him in the right way and it seems like some other posters are buying into what is just a bullshit excuse. Hence my not asking him. I suppose it was passive aggressive game playing but hey I'm not perfect either and at least now I can point to a concrete example of when I don't say anything he still does nothing.

I'm mad at myself for blowing up at him now, I had it all planned what I was going to say tonight but now I just seem like a shrill hysterical woman who blows up for no reason. Not for the first time. Gah.

Thanks for all the replies, I'll update tomorrow.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/03/2015 14:43

I can totally understand why you felt driven to it. It's just not a constructive thing to do.

But you know that and what you need now is some support to confirm your belief that should deserve better and you're not being unreasonable and some constructive advice.

I hope it goes well tonight.

DoJo · 07/03/2015 14:50

I think it can be helpful though - if the OP's partner's default response is that he won't do things because she is 'nagging' him or that he will get to them 'later', then an example of a situation where she hasn't reminded him and the result is the same undermines his argument.

It shows that she is willing to adapt her approach and allow him time and space to get to the jobs when he's ready, but that it doesn't make a blind bit of difference because he won't do them anyway. When someone reels off a list of excuses for why they aren't pulling their weight, it can be helpful to point out that none of them hold water using an example that they cannot deny. It might have been annoying to the OP for the last month, but at least it means that she can be sure that it isn't a question of 'leaving him to get on with it' which he would clearly have claimed otherwise.

MagicMojito · 07/03/2015 14:53

OP you really are NOT coming across as a nag and IMO yanbu. I must be reading a completely different thread to a lot of previous posters Confused

Its exhausting when the person you love and who you are supposedly in a partnership with is willing to leave the dogsbody work all for you. IMO it shows a total lack of respect for you as a person. Is his time so much precious than yours?

Its really easy to say "just down tools, that'll teach him" but the reality is, you stop doing chores, the place gets a tip and he learns NOTHING.

iLoveMushrooms · 07/03/2015 14:53

i dont think you should be pissed at that just say to him he has other things to do now