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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to shift goalposts on childcare and put 6wk old into ft nursery

251 replies

Jackieharris · 06/03/2015 14:34

I'm pregnant. Planned 3rd DC. I earn more than DP and hated mat leave last time so we agreed before pregnancy he'd be the sahp and I'd go back to work early with this one.

I'm in the process of changing jobs so won't get smp so have to go back after 6 weeks, no option. If DP hadn't been willing to be sahp I would have waited to ttc until I'd bulit up maternity entitlements again and taken maybe 3-6 months off instead.

Atm DP earns £200pwk (self employed). But he has now heard about an opportunity to earn £400pwk and is applying for it. (Didn't consult me first)

Now if this had been before the pregnancy I'd be so happy for him. But I feel like he has totally moved the goalposts for me. He seems to think instead of him being a sahp we can just put newborn into ft nursery at 6 weeks.

I'm not against nursery. Other DCs went, but not until 11 months old.

I've looked up the cost of the local one (he didn't bother to do this) and it costs £200 pwk. So he'll be bringing home exactly the same as now! (Prob more work/more hours/more responsibility too)

He's planning on doing this without actually asking my opinion or doing any research on how it will work out re: tax credits, logistics of nursery runs (he doesn't drive, I do), who will be off when baby is sick etc.

I felt able to go back to work so quickly because I was relying on having a sahp and the convenience that brings in terms of sick days, no having to get a newborn up and out early etc.

I'm really annoyed. 1) that he didn't discuss this with me 2) it isn't what I agreed to when we ttc

He doesn't seem to see a problem and I feel like a bitch for not being 100% happy that he's had this opportunity.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 07/03/2015 11:53

The other issue is he's already starting starting a list of things he wont do.

This indicates the attitude that's it's all a "favour" that he's home. not his role as an equal parent. It's not optional. someone needs to be at home with the baby. as a parent not as a favour to their wife at a minimal level and not until a better offer comes along and he's bored. but as a FATHER to a new baby. A baby that needs him to step up and be what his wife has been to the two before.

Susiesue61 · 07/03/2015 11:56

Beyond repair, you call people like me selfish! I was going to type a long reply but I can't be bothered. I spend my life running around for work and my family, I love them to bits and they love me. Whether I went to work when they were 7 weeks old (Ds1), 13 weeks old (Dd) or 6 months (Ds2) I chose to have all those children, none were an accident. I do a job I love, I need to work to pay my bills, and I trained for 9 years to do it.
However, my child are arrangements were already sorted while I was pregnant and DH and I were both happy with them. That's what the OP was about

BeyondRepair · 07/03/2015 12:02

Yes Susie, I don't believe a nursery is a fit environment for small babies.

Its like getting a puppy then having to leave it alone all day to go to work or you know, you won't be able to afford the food it eats, or the dog bed it sleeps on.

A puppy needs company and warmth and no one forced you to get the puppy.

Or are you going to argue a nursery is fine for babys who are weeks old?

  • I spend my life running around for work and my family

Thats lovely but all small babies want is Mum to hold them, and if not mum Dad, and at a push a grandparent.

Susiesue61 · 07/03/2015 12:07

That's your opinion and you're entitled to it' as I am to mine. Did you notice where I said I only got 8 weeks full pay and couldn't afford to live without working?! I didn't have anyone else to have him, so he went to nursery. Not ideal, but not damaging either.
Life isn't always perfect but we manage

Rafterplease · 07/03/2015 12:09

Re: 'A baby needs its mother, it's her voice and smell the baby has got to know in the womb' etc...

This is just an opinion, not a fact. There are bits of fact in there - eg there is proper evidence that a baby recognises it's mother's voice after birth - but it doesn't follow that it needs its mother 24/7! That is a HUGE leap of logic. Babies also recognise other people's voices early on but you're not insisting therefore they can't leave the baby's side either. Even more of a stretch for smell - there's a hell of a lot of difference between the inside of a woman and her outside! It's pure assertion that the baby is somehow damaged if looked after someone other than the mum. As has been said, all this is deeply cultural really.

Goldenbear · 07/03/2015 12:12

It just sounds a 'mess', absolutely nothing to do with 'sexism'. It's incomprehensible that you concieved a '3rd' baby (no less) and both of you appear 'unwilling' to be involved or even 'responsible' for the early baby months, that you can't magically bypass to get to the stage you like!

He sounds highly irresponsible with his unwillingness to do 'groups', 'parks' generally socialising the child which is an important part of the SAH role. My DH never wanted to be a SAHP to our newborns which was fine by me as I wanted to do it but if he'd had to be he would've no doubt stepped out of his comfort zone for these things as he's their Dad and a responsible fully grown adult!

Even you have spoken like the child care is not your concern, and I quote,
'I said if this is his plan he will have to book childcare (pref cm) several months in advance, calculate tax credits and work out timings of school/nursery runs. He hadn't seemed to have thought of any of this.' This sounds detached and blasé to me- I would expect both parents to be involved in finding the person that they want to look after one of the most important people in their lives?

Rafterplease · 07/03/2015 12:12

Regarding the puppy analogy: no, it's more like getting a puppy and then having someone else play with it during the day when you are at work. Which sounds absolutely fine to me and I'm pretty sure the puppy would be happy with it too.

I think you maybe have a funny idea of what actually happens in nurseries?

namechangewontchange · 07/03/2015 12:22

A six week old in a nursery for 10 hours a day?? NICE

Susiesue61 · 07/03/2015 12:25

That's very good Rafter!

namechangewontchange · 07/03/2015 12:30

Why bother having kids if they are going to be dumped in a nursery all day... what is the point in that. Just don't bother...get a gold fish instead.

Susiesue61 · 07/03/2015 12:52

That's incredible namechange. I'm lost for words

namechangewontchange · 07/03/2015 13:13

Susie- care to elaborate

Nolim · 07/03/2015 13:20

I will elaborate namechange: you are insilting all working parent. Being a parent is not about being with your dc 24/7.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 07/03/2015 13:44

Gosh you are taking a battering here! Not nice at all, a weird kind of 'blame the mother at all times' kind of thing going on. Sorry that's happening.

As I said before, many people have missed the point on this in their eagerness to get onto the topic they want to be scandalized about.

What's happening is your dp is backing out of the arrangement which was agreed, when you are fully committed into it - you may well have decided against having a baby under these circumstances.

Have you framed it like that when you talked to him? That he's backing out whilst you cannot as there's a new life inside you! I think you should get that across as he doesn't seem to 'get' what a shocking/ awful/ childish thing he's doing.

I say childish as he's behaving as if the resulting mess is someone else's problem to clear up I.e. Yours!

And I agree with others who've said its sexist, as he has defaulted to:
Family and children = women's responsibility. I'm sure he would pretend it was by accident and he hadn't thought about it like that blah blah blah, or some other excuse, but that's exactly it. He has given himself the luxury of having to not think through the consequences, or oops I didn't mean to put it all on you... But you have TWO children, he's been through this before and knows full well what responsibilities and there is no excuse for him to behave in this way.

And also the way you're explaining it as poor communication skills is you, probably channelling his own attitude, that minimising his awful behaviour: selfish and thoughtless.

Rafterplease · 07/03/2015 13:45

Namechange, what is the point of getting a goldfish if you aren't going to be with it all day?

Susiesue61 · 07/03/2015 13:48

Your opinion that if I plan to work, I shouldn't have children. I have goldfish but I have babies too! And a cat! Interestingly I asked the boys if they felt hard done by by me working and them going to nursery, and they both said nursery was 'wicked' :) :)

Bonsoir · 07/03/2015 13:50

Perhaps a nanny would be a better solution?

namechangewontchange · 07/03/2015 13:58

I'm not saying if you plan to work you shouldn't have children, what i am saying is children have emotional and attachment needs so if you can't dedicate time to that then why have children? Why pay someone else to do it? Its our jobs as parents. Of course nurseries have benefits and can be good for children but not for 10 hours a day for a 6 week old. Rafter-a goldfish does not have the same needs as a child or require the same attention, I hope you manage to understand that? Btw I have 3 small children, 1 is in reception and the second one is in nursery 3 mornings a week. I work part time while my partner looks after them during the time I'm at work (he is their dad).

Chippednailvarnish · 07/03/2015 14:01

Another wonderfully judgemental thread where any woman who dares to step away from their children and go to work before they turn 25 is a terrible parent.

It's like reading the DM.

CalleighDoodle · 07/03/2015 14:05

Ffs people are deliberatky being nasty. The op never eanted to out child in nursery at 6 weeks. She still does nit want to out baby in nursery at 6 weeks. Her oh has CHANGED HIS MIND and no longer wants to be a sahd as he previously agreed. The issue here is not nursery at 6 weeks, it is wtf to do about selfish partner who is putting his own wants above baby's needs.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 07/03/2015 14:09

The OP wasn't asking if she should put her DC in childcare at 6wks, it was that she had a childcare arrangement with her DP and he wanted to change it with no discussion, resulting in no parent at home after 6wks.

Parents who have to go back to work, have to go back to work. Are you suggesting namechange that only parents who can afford 6/9/12 months off work are the ones who should be allowed to have children? In this case, her DP was going to be off for some time, so would have fitted your criteria.

OtherBarry · 07/03/2015 14:10

I'd be pissed off about him changing his mind though I wouldn't be too upset about him not going to toddler groups, lots of mums don't go to them. I'd be worried about how he was going to work from and look after the baby though!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 07/03/2015 14:13

Yes it is very Daily Mail isn't it?

Over looking the fact that the OP is saying she's upset that Her dp has changed his agreement and she's not happy at the nursery idea... But let's have a go anyway.

I'm unsure whether the frothy mouthed frothers are judging her for daring to go back to work leaving the baby with its father, or whether they're judging her for now feeling put in the position of having to think about nurseries... But I guess it doesn't matter much as it's all just good frothing material in general.

The answer always seems to be the mother must stop working and throw herself penniless on the state, potentially losing home in the process. I'm confused as there isn't a state waiting with open arms for these women who decide to sacrifice everything to be with their children 25/7. There isn't a stock of housing waiting, so being homeless or lodging in one room with no cooking facilities is a real possibility. Is that really better than being a working mother?

It's all very odd.

Nolim · 07/03/2015 14:15

Namechange your last post has some valid points regarding ops situation. Not that i agree with your position on working ft.

But when you make a general statement such as parents who use nurseries should get a goldfish instead of children you are insulting working parents.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 07/03/2015 14:15

Errr, 24/7 not 25/7! Though an extra hour would be loverly...