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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be the one to choose my daughters nursery?

77 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 07:56

I am 4 and a half months pregnant and recently split from DH. I asked him to leave due to quite a lot of unpleasant behaviour.

We also have a daughter who is 1 next month.

I am struggling for money and also I have sole care of her and our other child who is at school. Eventually I asked STBXH if he would be willing to pay extra for her to go to nursery for a couple of days a week and he conceded to one day.

But he wants to choose where she goes.

There's something I really don't like about it - am I being unreasonable? I haven't chosen anywhere yet: was going to look round today but he just sent me a text announcing this fact.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Nolim · 06/03/2015 07:57

It should be a joint decision. Easier said than done, i know.

ConfuddledPickle · 06/03/2015 08:03

Ideally it should be a joint choice.

If I was a nrp I'd be unhappy about having no say at all. I looked around a couple of nursery's when I was looking for childcare for dc's and one of them I wouldn't have left a dog at let alone my child.

I don't distrust dh or think he'd make a bad choice - but I'd still want to have input.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 08:04

I should probably clarify that when I say sole care, I mean that dH doesnt have the children unsupervised at all at present.

OP posts:
CaptainMorgansMistress · 06/03/2015 08:12

As her father and the one paying for the nursery, I do think he has an equal right to make a joint decision on the nursery.

If I was in your position, I would visit a number of nurseries, choose say 3 that I liked and would be happy with (and I would try to ensure my favourite one was the cheapest on my list) and then invite him to choose from your list of 3.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 08:13

I will try to do that - thanks :)

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 06/03/2015 08:25

Of course he deserves to have a say in where she goes if he is expected to pay for all of it, especially if it's on top of whatever other maintenance arrangement you've come to.

Hopefully he'll be reasonable and agree to make it a joint decision, or to pick from a shortlist you've vetted first, but you can't even insist on that really, unless you prepared to share the expense. If you don't like his choice you do of course have the option to overrule him completely and just pay for it yourself. Sorry, but this is one of those situations where you can't have it both ways.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 08:28

It isn't a question of wanting to have it both ways dontdrink - the anxiety stems largely from worrying that if he selects where she goes and is instrumental in organising all of that then he could then feasibly collect her as her parent.

Perhaps it seems unfair on paper but his behaviour has led to him having very restricted access. As such, dictating the terms of her daycare is a slippery slope to him potentially having unsupervised access to her which would be at this stage a grave concern.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 06/03/2015 08:30

I think he has a right to have as much input as you do in choosing the nursery. Your dd isn't even one yet, your other child hadn't been born and you've only recently split, so it's not really an issue that he doesn't look after the children alone yet, and it would not be fair to use that against him as long as he plans to have them in future.

Nolim · 06/03/2015 08:33

Just to clarify op: when you say he has restricted acces is there a court order or something like that?

I remember when i was filling out nursery forms for dc that it said explicitly that the nursery cannot refuse acces to a parent unless there is a court order.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 08:35

Not yet and I don't think we will have to go down that route.

I have enough evidence if needed and will - but obviously he won't want me to.

The split is recent.

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 06/03/2015 08:36

OP why doesn't he have unsupervised access. Even if you choose the nursery he could still pick his daughter up, he has pr

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 08:37

Because he is abusive Mince

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 06/03/2015 08:39

Why do you want to depend on him for a couple of days a weeks childcare that you don't need when he's not good enough to look after his children on his own?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 08:40

Because I need to work and I need the money.

'Not good enough' - Shock this is not because he dresses them in weird clothes or something. It's because of extreme and sometimes very frightening behaviour.

OP posts:
Nolim · 06/03/2015 08:42

As mince says if he has pr then he can collect her from nursery and spend unsupervised time with her.

MinceSpy · 06/03/2015 08:47

Turquoise thank you for the extra info. You may need to take steps to make sure he can't collect either child irrespective of who pays or chooses the nursery. If you want him to pay then he deserves some say in choosing the nursery.

PannaDoll · 06/03/2015 08:54

It sounds like he is trying to protect himself from having to pay for the most expensive nursery in town rather than wanting rights to collect his child. Of course, you will know him better than us and be able to read other ulterior motives into his request. Quite honestly, for a couple of days a week, I'd have just tightened the reigns even further and managed to find the find the cash rather than have to deal with an abusive ex partner.

I'm a single mum of one in full time nursery care with another on the way. Nursery takes approximately half my wages at the moment (and will continue to do so when the next one comes along)! With the extra tax credits and child benefit, it's a stretch but not too much of a struggle.

PtolemysNeedle · 06/03/2015 08:55

If you need the childcare to work, then he should be splitting the cost of as many days as you need, not paying in full for one day.

But if he's a genuine risk to your children, you'd probably be better off taking as little as you can from him over the agreed child maintenance level and using childcare tax credits to pay for childcare while you work.

DixieNormas · 06/03/2015 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 06/03/2015 09:04

As others have said even if you choose the nursery and tell them he can't pick her up they will not be willing or able to stop him doing so unless it is legally enforced

The nursery should be a joint decision but that is sometimes easier said than done. Are there any that you are strongly against?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 09:10

No but I haven't looked into it yet.

I don't seem to be entitled to tax credits - this is a long and drawn out story but I have savings in the form of property rather than cash.

Pytomleys I only want/can work a couple of days a week really do he's paying for one day and I'll be funding the other

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 06/03/2015 09:55

Are you talking about working in a job you already have, or one that you want to find when your maternity is up?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 10:00

No I don't work at present, I mean some temporary work until my due date

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 06/03/2015 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PtolemysNeedle · 06/03/2015 10:46

Then until you get a job, he'd be paying for you to have a day to yourself doing whatever you want, so I think he does deserve a decent say in who will be looking after his children and where.

When you're working and your day to day logistics will need to be a significant part of the choice of day care, then you'll reasonably be entitled to a bigger say than him.